All my problems can not revolve around my issues with J or Lucifer or G. They may make me sad sometimes, as I placed a lot of expectations within these people. However, they are their own people. They live for themselves, not for me. They have their own hopes (even Lucifer's biggest dream of having light skinned children), and who am I to judge or interfere?
No, I shall live for myself. During the weekends, I get so caught up in helping my little brother or mother that I don't take enough time to catch up on my ****. My little brother doesn't pay attention. He just talks and talks and requires a lot of attention just to keep him focused. He drains my energy at the end.
Why do I help people? Why don't I just run away? When I was little, only thing keeping me here was the occasional kind smiles my father gave me on the rare occasions he said hello to me at home.
Now, it is my youngest brother. If I go, he will not be successful, because they aren't good at looking after him.
2 weeks ago, J's friend D texted me about class and etcetera. I responded with an enthusiastic and funny response- something about cleaning with baking soda and vinegar. Eventually, he amicably manipulated me into re-visiting the notion of having a group dinner along with J.
I texted to let her know, and she ignored it for a week. I don't know what is wrong with her. Why doesn't she let it go, the fact that G liked me and not her? Who the heck cares that someone thinks I am prettier? That's subjective anyway.
What a strained friendship it is. When I tried to address it, she deflected by saying she was mad at something else. She said she didn't want to have dinner. When I told her I was in the same painting class as him, she coldly responded that it doesn't matter, she didn't ask, and she doesn't want to know. Obviously, she's outraged. She's thought about this so much, that she has started to hate me. It's her own insecurities. I can't blame myself. Maybe my critical behavior post graduation contributed to her hating me, I don't even remember what I may have said. I remember I had been extremely frustrated with her around that time, and I was terribly insecure. Is this going to be some vicious cycle?
12:15 am
Let's forget about J. Let's talk progress, if any.
I did meet with the State Rep a couple weeks back, and recently asked him for a recommendation letter. He agreed. I applied for one job as well. It is a job I want, but may not meet the average qualifications for. However, I would have made a strong candidate. The position is a counselor at CCP. As someone who has been through the college and graduate school process, and as someone who struggled-- I know how to approach these students. I also know how to help them. I really hope I get an opportunity for an interview at that college. It would be a great first job.
The citizenship interview was last week, and this week will be the oath ceremony.
I tried to apply for a few teaching positions, but they all required some level of certifications and a minimum 3.0 GPA which I don't have. You know what ***** is that I want a second chance. I messed up and did not get the 3.0- and I don't have money to get a teacher's certification. Yet, I know I can do these jobs better than many other teachers.
I did miss last week's career group, I think I had something else going on at the time, but I don't remember what.
I decided to start a professional blog about different topics that I am interested in. Ask my friend To to help, but I don't think he will be that committed. I have to study different professional blogs and see how detailed they are, and how they cite.
Maddison's mother texted me to tutor her daughter pre-midterms this week. I had to reschedule on my friend to another Friday. However, I am still not prepared to teach Maddison. Last week, she didn't contact me at all. And this week, I had planned on getting a lot of job applications done. Ugh.
I haven't accomplished a lot lately. After the issue with D & J dinner, I was anxious, and once the anxiousness left I became this extremely negative and sad ball. It consumed me. I decided not to let her ****** up brain affect me.
I don't think I can really be friends with Chr. Maybe he flirts with everyone, but it bugs me so ******* much. I had asked him to give me some space for a while.
To do his week: return shoes, make 12 copies of career tracking packet, call glasses place, call invisalign place, buy camera film, art supplies, and lip liner, register for race, write cover letters, and study for math.