I'm okay

I'm sad right now
I'll probably be sad later
I hope it will stop
I'm sorry
for bringing you down.
please don't leave me
again

"I don't think euthanasia's a sin" you told me that one late night. it was the first real conversation we had ever had. I listened as you spoke so deeply about your dream to be a screen writer. you always loved movies. In fact we met that way. you gave me a list of movies to watch before I died. I watched them with the eagerness of a child opening gifts on Christmas. death. that was always a big thing for you. you loved to talk about how you saw the world falling apart. I guess I found that intriguing because as you talked, I was falling apart. you knew how cynical I could be, and I knew how ****** up you were. but I still got so happy when you liked that picture of mine the next morning. I think we fell for each other because neither of us really liked ourselves and maybe deep down, we believed that we could fix ourselves. I never liked you growing up, but now I can't get enough. but of course, there's a problem. there always is. I'm in love with someone else.

remember when you used to untangle my headphones?
back when you were untangling me?
you had such pride in it, it was cute.
I wonder if you had that same pride in me?

you stabbed me with the best you had. an arrow with the word"pretty". you shot me with the word "cute". you poisoned me with the word "love". I fell so hard. I was so sick. and then I realized there's a way to live. I pulled that arrow out and drank the elixir. I was once so scared to move, but am now more relaxed than ever. i can breath again. I feel the best I've felt in a while. you can shoot me again, but now I'm immune. I know the signs and I know where you hide, lurking on insecurities of sad girls. you always had a thing for the broken. easy prey, I guess. but I'm getting stronger by the second. you stood me up again last week. said you'd be there and you weren't. I saw your family at church too. it reminded me of how desperate you were to be like them. flashbacks poured in and I felt like fainting on the exact pew you held me in after that long weekend. I remembered all of our midnight conversations and my old war injury flailed up. but then I remembered all the stuff you said to me, the way you never were there. and I remembered why that arrows out and not still in. you used to be so powerful. a villain in disguise. but no longer can I be the victim. I'm done with this battle.

a lot of my thoughts are you
but don't be fooled
sometimes death is there too

I was a toy you played with until it broke. your mom warned you not to turn it off and on too quickly but you just couldn't help it. you loved to see the way it light up when you pushed it. it was made for you. you loved the way it worked only and always for you. but one day, it stopped. you came home looking for something to play and you found it. broken. but you didn't fix it. it wasn't worth the time. didn't even check to see if maybe it just needed some love. you left it in pieces. little did you know, the game was working. it just needed  to be played for a long time. it needed to know the owner needed it. it needed to know that it was more than just a button.