i live on a mountain where it rains a lot and i am lonely.
most days i fight with my eyelids to see the sun rise.
most days there is fog.
yes i've been avoiding the things i need to be doing
like filling out job applications
showering
getting out of bed
these days i mostly think about the things i've been missing out on up here.
i don't go out.
i don't sit in the passenger seat
in the glow of the courtesy light
talking about everything and nothing
listening to german folk music with my best friend.
i don't laugh till i cry
getting red in the face and chasing my breath.
i don't cook up insane meals we won't finish
while watching disney movies.
i don't go driving
i never end up at the beach it's too far.
i miss the sunshine.
no i don't talk about love anymore.
that word feels taboo in my mouth
i don't even know what it means
i don't remember what it feels like.
i keep my eyes closed till the tired goes away but i never sleep.
i wrap my hand around a cactus
call it an accident when they ask.
do i miss being sick?
maybe i still am.