Perhaps I should blame
my inner demon for how
complicated my mind has become

this uneasiness with the easiness
of stress free living

and maybe I've lived in the present
long enough to know what is to come

living in the present is like
sailing on the bright blue ocean,
the beauty is everywhere,
surrounds you, wind in your face,
the sun on your skin,
cool spray across the deck
while the boat gently rocks

yet an uneasiness calls from below,
a black bilge pump and drain with
leaky seals, and deeper still
the ocean depths, cold, dark,
and suffocating

that which lurks below is more
real than whats above

I'm taking on water,  
its only a matter of time before
the boat goes down

I'm acutely aware of what
it feels like to drown

The past encroaches on the present,
fills it with painful regret

while the beautiful bright
blue slips away

I wish I could explain it better

I'm in a vicious cycle
of contradicting regret

there's a storm on the horizon

a leak in the boat

everything that exists below
is darkness come upon me,

I feel it in my gut at
this very moment,
right now, right here,
an impending doom,
my own little apocalypse

retrospect and regret
they never go away

today is nothing more than
tomorrow's yesterday and
I am continually being shamed by
that which I am already ashamed of

I'm in a vicious cycle
of contradicting regret

and I embrace it

because its the only thing I know to do






.

I Stole a Rose

I stole a rose in the market today!
And I thought your name as I darted away.

The shopkeeper’s shout made me turn ‘round and glance,
but his nod and his smile said, “Go on, take a chance!”

I ran down the cobblestone alleys,
taking shortcuts we discovered as kids.

Then all of a sudden, time seemed to stop.
And the whole of you welled up in my mind:

    I’ve loved you since I first saw your smile,
    As we’d walk to grade school together.

    I’ve loved you since I first heard your laugh,
    And it echoes in my dreams every night.

    I’ve loved you since I first held your hand,
    And I know now I should have held tight…

Somehow we’ve drifted apart,
but there’s a place for you still in my heart!
Today I’m in a chance-taking mood,
and so on this late afternoon:

I leave this rose…
      on your doorstep…
                             just to see…

                                                           ­                                  I Found a Rose

                                                     I found a rose on my doorstep today!
                                                    It’s made me smile and feel quite gay.

                                        I wondered a while if by accident it was lost,
                           or perhaps something someone had casually tossed?

                    But, there’s a boy on my mind who I used to know well,
                                                and my intuition tells me not to dismiss:

                                          I liked him since the first day I met him,
                                                         and often I replay our first kiss.

                 Though we’ve both gone our own separate ways now,
                                        my memories of being with him are bliss.

                               Could it be that he’s remembered me likewise,
                           and has proffered what my heart’s long desired?
  
                                                            I’d be foolish to not take a chance,
                                                         ­     and fail to believe an old dream.
                                          
               ­                I know a shop in the market where roses are sold,
                      so I’ll summon my courage to make a move quite bold!

                                                       I was dizzy and not thinking clearly,
                                                                     as I gleefully selected a rose.
                                                 The shopkeeper looked at me strangely:
                                               I wonder... is there something he knows?

                                                                              Now I leave this rose…
                                                                on your doorstep…
                                                       just to say…

I Found a Rose, II

I found a rose on my doorstep tonight!
And my heart is filled with delight!

I’m smiling and laughing and so full of glee,
just thinking what a wonder it is she chose me!

   I’m off now to pay a visit to the love of my life,
   and I’ll not hold back any feelings.
   But I do have one secret I’ll not tell her yet:
   someday I’m going to make her my wife!

Before your absence from my life I did not know what it was to be weak.
Everlasting secrets and whispers became the motifs of our cadenza.
Exchanges in conversation became riddles that filled me with torment.
Just imagining any fragment of the you I knew keeps me in your maze.