time is an infinite stream of possibilities
may this blessing flow to you across time through love
I pray for you, the me of my past who struggled and
lost your way in depression.

May this blessing find you across time to you, from me the you of the future, to the 26 year old that I was in a moment in time,
where I was lost.

May you find your way out of despair and hopelessness, and
may you find the courage to set the radio outside of the filled
bathtub.  I know suicide seems the only way out, but you have
so much to live for. I am you of the future, as I speak to you of my past.  

May my love and hope travel across time to help you find joy in that little moment, where you turned on the radio to make sure power was flowing before you electrocuted yourself.  But in that tiny moment, reggae music blasted through the speakers bringing a spark of joy and rhythm into a dark moment, where you could not distinguish from the true and false.

May you find the wisdom to know that your pain will not last forever and all wounds heal with time, even heartbreaks.  I know, because I am in this very present moment the future self of you.  I know that your present feels bleak and each day feels more painful and pointless than the day before.  It feels like the whole world is against you and people who are supposed to love you only judge you and ridicule you.  Somehow it feels like who you are is not enough and you are sick and tired of feeling this way.

May my love and hope travel across time.  Love is infinite and collapses the space that separates us.  May my blessing find you
through this dark moment and many to come, so you may know
and experience joys, sadness, and full specturum of emotions
with an open heart.  You will someday embrace pain as one of your greatest teachers, because it has lead you to the other great teacher of life, love.  May you have the courage to really live, so you may face death, another great teacher.  May you live and die with love, and not with fear and hatred in your heart.

May this blessing travel across time in that infinite place in your heart, where hope will rise out of the heavy despair that is pulling you down to depths of pain that goes deeper and deeper.  Somehow, pain upon pain becomes comforting, and you begin to be trapped in yourself.  All you can see is this moment.

May my prayer and blessing find you and guide you to a future you cannot imagine in your present, but you would not want to miss.  Thank you, I love you.  I'm sorry for ways I failed you.  Please forgive me.  

May this blessing of hope and love find you across time and space to bring you home, so you and I can live in that infinite space of love in our hearts, where we are connected to life flowing through and in us.  May you find your way to me, to the now that is always being created.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pin rest; snug as a gun.

Under my window, a clean rasping sound
When the ***** sinks into gravelly ground:
My father, digging.  I look down

Till his straining **** among the flowerbeds
Bends low, comes up twenty years away
Stooping in rhythm through potato drills
Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft
Against the inside knee was levered firmly.
He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep
To scatter new potatoes that we picked,
Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a *****.
Just like his old man.

My grandfather cut more turf in a day
Than any other man on Toner's bog.
Once I carried him milk in a bottle
Corked sloppily with paper.  He straightened up
To drink it, then fell to right away
Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods
Over his shoulder, going down and down
For the good turf.  Digging.

The cold smell of potato mould, the squelch and slap
Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge
Through living roots awaken in my head.
But I've no ***** to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I'll dig with it.

Mr. Fawcett
Was a friend
Who ran hot and cold.
When he was hot
He drank a lot,
And smoked and toked,
And ****** and slurred.
We thought him quite absurd.
He wheezed and coughed
And finally croaked,
Turning himself off.

you've always acted like gravity, trying to keep my feet planted, trying to stop me from floating out because we both know I won't be an angel. but that never mattered to me.

I swore to you I was trying but you always kept me covered; embarrassed by the way I tore myself apart. mother, I was just trying to see the constellations. I was just trying to find something beautiful inside of me. it's so dark in there, I forgot about the blood.

you were always angry that I could never be quite as robotic as you. superficial; that my values didn't fit inside a handbag. I draped my body in black everyday preparing for my funeral.
I'll be dead soon.

I kept waiting for you to say something, to protect me. but you just watched as I ****** evil through a straw with bags under my eyes; as a ****** of crows perched at my bed waiting for me to be brave.

And I'm sorry that you ever had to shake your daughter and tell her to live or get a call from the ER. I'm sorry that I ever blamed you for my shattered reality.

I'm sorry about 2012.

Two sips away from poison
Two lies away from treason.

Two too many mistakes made for redemption
Two too many hands away from salvation.

Two minutes away from acception
Two seconds away from extinction.