No longer do wander aimlessly,
I've found my "path" so to speak.
It may not be yellow
Nor paved for the eye to see
Yet it somehow shines brighter
Radiating through me.

I wonder when the foggy haze will return to taint my view
Such a serene sense of serendipity one can never get use to
No more boarders on my horizon therefore I know this calling to be true

All that's left is to take that leap
Step out into the great unknown

Motionless
Stuck where my world crashed all around me
Rotating through the mundane monotony on autopilot
It's time for a new book, not just a new page or chapter.

Blanketed in your warm embrace.
Cradling me
Carrying me threw time and space.
Everything becomes right.

I wish I was stronger
That my mind would leave me alone
I keep trying
Pushing through all of these walls I've built
I keep trying
To focus on the little things to get me through each day
But each little thing is getting harder than it ever use to be
Why can't I just stop
Stop worrying about how I'm meant to do this
How I'm going to get through this
Stop avoiding life and carry on get over it and move on
I wish I didn't feel so strongly
But the emotions I carry weigh me down so intensely
I don't want this to be who I am
Yet it's how I see myself
I've got no dreams or aspirations
And I find that really weird
Why don't I want more out of life
Why can't I see a better future for myself
I just continue to get stuck in my head and weigh myself down
I'm a burden to myself
And I resent it more than I should
I wish I could see the light the silver lining behind it

Scratching from the inside, hurts more than the physical sense.
A shattering within my chest. Emotions on a tidal wave that has just smashed into shore.
I shouldn't trust my own judgement's anymore.
This is clearly not my shining hour.

Chest caught
Tight,
A pressure weighing
Nothing seemed this heavy before
Nothing was so precious before
My whole world has been flipped brought smack back intoo reality

Just breathe

A love so pure
So strong
So fierce
How can I muster the strength to wield such a strong and beautiful being

Just breathe

Your ailments become my own
Your achievements fill my my heart
Your presence brightens my darkest day
I am so blessed to have you in my life
I feel unworthy to call you my daughter

Just a breath could change everything.
To stop my chest growing so tight

I miss you
Not just in the physical sense
In every sense of the word

Your unique way of doing things, its like watching a symphony of noise
You're either in complete harmony with it
Or consistently fighting against it

Your laugh
Oh your laugh
It fills my whole body with warmth
A sound I crave to hear

The smell of the top of your head, comforts me
Like a mothers embrace, I know I am safe

Day to day living never felt less mundane
Always helping wherever we felt we could
Exploring, guiding each other
Always finding refuge in one another

Life is not the same without you
Never will be without you
The emptiness, at times consumes me
Swallowing me whole
The crator you've left within me
Can only be filled by you

I hope
I have to hope

She looked up at him and smiled.
For she knew whatever she had to face, as long as she had him,
She'd be home.

Ive been running for years, never feeling safe or at ease. No sense of 'home' until that day you held me.
My lifes been a lie, countless masks to face whatever gets thrown at me. Hiding from those demons that chase & torment me, too frightened & weak to tackle this road alone.
I feel safe when im with you, you're my best friend & my protector.
Ive trusted in you, pried open doors that were sealed with rust and vines.
Ive trusted in you, pieces of me im too afraid to look at alone.
I give you my hand, my hearts already yours.

Floating through the sky as though I were as light as paper.
Letting the breeze take me on a journey,
Don't worry about tomorrow its yet to exists.
Through thunder and hail and winds I couldn't bare to imagine.
I become a rag doll.
Thrown in any direction.
Soaked
Tattered and ripped.

Do you ever get the feeling you're trapped, or in captivity?
Not by the true meaning of the word.
An overwhelming feeling you try, but cannot escape from.
Forbidden topics we feel should never be mentioned, there lays part of the problem.
We need to learn to reach for one another, help each other break free from these chains we've imprisoned ourselves in.
Maybe then we will be able to heal our home.

Alone, though I've caused myself to be
Bitter, weak, & fragile. It's just hollow inside of me
Confused by how I got here, or who I am today
Determined to do better in every single way
Although it feels over I have a long way left to run
Eventually I hope I'll understand what it's all been for
Fresh & ready to face whatever comes my way
Glints of me keep poking through
Hiding
It's overwhelming just how overbearing I've become
Just a little further, I'm sure my day is done

Music*
Infects the mind.
Never stay
*inside the lines

Pained with a sadness I have never known
A dagger driving into the core of my soul
As I let go of everything
Yet a calmness washes over me
Something guiding me
Its not my own
I'm noticing things differently
The way the breeze dances softly with everything it touches
The scents that are heightened
The smell of rain before the storm
Clipped grass on a hot summers day
Perfume that lingers long after they've gone
I'm not in a daze
simple pleasures are filling me with more
I don't have to be ok
I'm not sure I ever will be the same again

How it started
Running around the playground squealing with laughter.
Building stables on the field
Or witchy poo on the fort
Over 2 decades of knowing you. Experiencing life alongside you.
I watched in awe as you raised your family, and held it together all of these years Watching you grow into this unstoppable, firecly strong woman you are today
Ever need me, I'll be there
I'll never be in your pocket, or the other end of the phone every day
You'll always be like family to me, sorry but you ain't getting rid of me

I've always had an image of what my idyllic life would be.
In my mind I'm failing myself if I'm not upholding that dream.

It became the most important thing for me, because then I'd be happy and content.

I didn't seek out hobbies for fulfilment and joy. Often leaving something I loved if I thought others were doing better than me.

I would stop seeing friends because this became my priority
All to have companionship, a family.
To sit around the table and share our day.

Being talked down to for years validating the fears you often already faced.
Being asked, "are you sure they're even your friend" or "why do you even like them".
When your anxiety gains a physical voice, and it's from a person you love you stop questioning the anxiety.

Years of often walking on eggshells, addressing things in a certain way to avoid any kind of conflict.
Then the table gets flipped and everything is pulled out from under you.
You have no one to turn to. Your people have been pushed away, the only ones that remain are also "their" people.

Your table looks incredibly small when there's no one to share it with.

Still afraid, unsure and raw. Your forced to find yourself. To better yourself for no one else but yourself.
It's empowering to be truly alone, and feel content with that.
To actually listen to your heart and find what makes it sing.
To not fill your life with clutter but those that truly matter.
I don't feel stronger, just more content and steady on my feet.