Magic use to be fairies I'm sure
Anticipation we try to lure
Playing make believe
Oh to be young and naive
A world full of magical mystery

How it started
Running around the playground squealing with laughter.
Building stables on the field
Or witchy poo on the fort
Over 2 decades of knowing you. Experiencing life alongside you.
I watched in awe as you raised your family, and held it together all of these years Watching you grow into this unstoppable, firecly strong woman you are today
Ever need me, I'll be there
I'll never be in your pocket, or the other end of the phone every day
You'll always be like family to me, sorry but you ain't getting rid of me

I've always had an image of what my idyllic life would be.
In my mind I'm failing myself if I'm not upholding that dream.

It became the most important thing for me, because then I'd be happy and content.

I didn't seek out hobbies for fulfilment and joy. Often leaving something I loved if I thought others were doing better than me.

I would stop seeing friends because this became my priority
All to have companionship, a family.
To sit around the table and share our day.

Being talked down to for years validating the fears you often already faced.
Being asked, "are you sure they're even your friend" or "why do you even like them".
When your anxiety gains a physical voice, and it's from a person you love you stop questioning the anxiety.

Years of often walking on eggshells, addressing things in a certain way to avoid any kind of conflict.
Then the table gets flipped and everything is pulled out from under you.
You have no one to turn to. Your people have been pushed away, the only ones that remain are also "their" people.

Your table looks incredibly small when there's no one to share it with.

Still afraid, unsure and raw. Your forced to find yourself. To better yourself for no one else but yourself.
It's empowering to be truly alone, and feel content with that.
To actually listen to your heart and find what makes it sing.
To not fill your life with clutter but those that truly matter.
I don't feel stronger, just more content and steady on my feet.

I wish I was stronger
That my mind would leave me alone
I keep trying
Pushing through all of these walls I've built
I keep trying
To focus on the little things to get me through each day
To focus on the positives in every single day
Why can't I just stop
Stop worrying about how I'm meant to do this because the pain and sadness doesn't stop
I wish I didn't feel so strongly
The emotions I carry weigh me down so intensely
I don't want this to be who I am or how I am
But it's the only way I've ever known how to be
Countless years of trying to brake this cycle just to function
To not feel so alone
To be happy
To be able to feel free of what I escaped from
To stand proud of who I am and that I'm here today

Motionless
Stuck where my world crashed all around me
Rotating through the mundane monotony on autopilot
It's time for a new book, not just a new page or chapter.

I wish I was stronger
That my mind would leave me alone
I keep trying
Pushing through all of these walls I've built
I keep trying
To focus on the little things to get me through each day
But each little thing is getting harder than it ever use to be
Why can't I just stop
Stop worrying about how I'm meant to do this
How I'm going to get through this
Stop avoiding life and carry on get over it and move on
I wish I didn't feel so strongly
But the emotions I carry weigh me down so intensely
I don't want this to be who I am
Yet it's how I see myself
I've got no dreams or aspirations
And I find that really weird
Why don't I want more out of life
Why can't I see a better future for myself
I just continue to get stuck in my head and weigh myself down
I'm a burden to myself
And I resent it more than I should
I wish I could see the light the silver lining behind it

The silence has become deafening
Encased
Submurged
Surrounded
By the silence
The chaos is not ceasing or changing its course
Destined to whirl around me
Twisting and pulling me in ways i could never explain
Pushing and pushing
And pushing
Until i cant hold myself anymore
My stregnth has shattered
Within the silence
Into a thousand tiny pieces i lay strewn on the floor

Alone, though I've caused myself to be
Bitter, weak, & fragile. It's just hollow inside of me
Confused by how I got here, or who I am today
Determined to do better in every single way
Although it feels over I have a long way left to run
Eventually I hope I'll understand what it's all been for
Fresh & ready to face whatever comes my way
Glints of me keep poking through
Hiding
It's overwhelming just how overbearing I've become
Just a little further, I'm sure my day is done

Pained with a sadness I have never known
A dagger driving into the core of my soul
As I let go of everything
Yet a calmness washes over me
Something guiding me
Its not my own
I'm noticing things differently
The way the breeze dances softly with everything it touches
The scents that are heightened
The smell of rain before the storm
Clipped grass on a hot summers day
Perfume that lingers long after they've gone
I'm not in a daze
simple pleasures are filling me with more
I don't have to be ok
I'm not sure I ever will be the same again

I miss you
Not just in the physical sense
In every sense of the word

Your unique way of doing things, its like watching a symphony of noise
You're either in complete harmony with it
Or consistently fighting against it

Your laugh
Oh your laugh
It fills my whole body with warmth
A sound I crave to hear

The smell of the top of your head, comforts me
Like a mothers embrace, I know I am safe

Day to day living never felt less mundane
Always helping wherever we felt we could
Exploring, guiding each other
Always finding refuge in one another

Life is not the same without you
Never will be without you
The emptiness, at times consumes me
Swallowing me whole
The crator you've left within me
Can only be filled by you

I hope
I have to hope

Chest caught
Tight,
A pressure weighing
Nothing seemed this heavy before
Nothing was so precious before
My whole world has been flipped brought smack back intoo reality

Just breathe

A love so pure
So strong
So fierce
How can I muster the strength to wield such a strong and beautiful being

Just breathe

Your ailments become my own
Your achievements fill my my heart
Your presence brightens my darkest day
I am so blessed to have you in my life
I feel unworthy to call you my daughter

Just a breath could change everything.
To stop my chest growing so tight

To some,
This life is a maze,
To some just a path,
To others a confusing,
Distant memory.
Never be afraid of what's not yet set,
Before you start to age.
Some may dither,
Others they stumble,
But you remain graceful & strong.
My Granddad,
My hero.
Your wit must have seen you some trouble,
But your charm surely helped you out of a  few pickles.
That heart warming smile fills a room.
My Granddad,
My hero.
No one can ever compare to you.

My body is a temple, one I must uphold.
My body is a temple,
A temple with a few bricks askew?
The foundations no longer stable?
Moss and ivy growing up the sides, finding all the crevasses.

To look at, all but a natural beauty.
I'm weathered at such a ripe young age.
My body is a temple.
But this temple needs a grave.

I can't call the architect,
To tell them they ****** up.
All the sympathetic looks, or sideways glares.
No one truly understand the amount I learn,
from the way they look at me.

My body is a safety hazard.
No warning sign required.
Hips and arms clicking and cracking. Legs, back and neck no better

Ease me up gently and handle with care.
I'll bruise with the slightest pressure.
My temple may as well be completely collapsed right on top of me.

My temple has a leak causing the structure to rot.
I don't have the energy,
To fix myself again.
I don't have the energy.
I'm barely even still me.

Little by little I step away from myself
To be true to myself
If only to find myself

I, solemnly swear... . . . .
Who to?
I've never met you.
I could lie through my teeth, & you have to take my word for it.

Of course I have lack of faith.
When I have to trust ******* like this.
Our future is dependent on imbeciles.
Crumpling away.
Like the forests, the lakes, & streams.

Shivering at this thought is an understatement.
The world WILL go on, Mother Nature will rise up & rid herself of the parasites.
That is why I struggle to sleep at night.

I, solemnly swear to do better by this planet.
My,
Our home.

At a ripe young age my imagination would take me to faraway lands, where I knew I was safe because you were there to guide me.
As I grew I became confused by decisions made for me,
I was upset because you were my Dad but were unable to be there for me.
Headstrong & stubborn with an attitude to boot, are just a couple of reasons we clashed.
Whirling & twirling down a chaotic self destructive path.
Too scared to scream.
Too tired to ask for help.
I wish I had listened to you.
As I grow now I remember the guidance you gave me, I cherish the moments of laughter & memories you made with me. I regret the years we missed amidst all the chaos.
Seeing passion & knowledge just flowing out of you.
Taking the time to know you, become your friend as well as your daughter.
I love you Dad with all my heart, I'm just sorry I didn't say it sooner xo.

******* just let me sleep,
without nightmares or fare.
Without pain from clenching & grinding my teeth to the core.
Just please let me sleep.
Without aching tense muscles,
dread & anything more.
One night without clammy fists fulls of hair,
sheets drenched and clinging with sweat.
I weep as dawn breaks for I know my slumber awaits,
& the lord won't allow me to sleep.

As the tears stream down her solemn face
The curtains fall
The mask drops
She waits
As her 'friends' disappear

She looked up at him and smiled.
For she knew whatever she had to face, as long as she had him,
She'd be home.

The dew drenched garden on a crisp Autumn morning.
Birds singing their song as you start your day.
Mist rolling over the Hunter Hills & down the galley, creating a lite fog throughout the town.
Your shoes become slicker with moisture, flicking drips into the air as you crunch through the leaves on your walk to school.
Teeth chattering as you make your your journey, steam rising from your mouth a constant reminder of the porige you had for breakfast.
Young & oblivious to the beautiful scenery that surrounds you.
The days when the worst part is facing possible detention.
If only I knew then just how easy I had it.

Blanketed in your warm embrace.
Cradling me
Carrying me threw time and space.
Everything becomes right.

To be is to ponder,
Taking every waking moment & nourishing it giving it life as though it were your last.
Cherish life,
For without it you simply wouldn't be.
Let go of hate caused by wrong doings brought upon you.
The peace & lightness that follows will guide you for the rest of time.
LOVE whole heartedly toward every living being.

Ive been running for years, never feeling safe or at ease. No sense of 'home' until that day you held me.
My lifes been a lie, countless masks to face whatever gets thrown at me. Hiding from those demons that chase & torment me, too frightened & weak to tackle this road alone.
I feel safe when im with you, you're my best friend & my protector.
Ive trusted in you, pried open doors that were sealed with rust and vines.
Ive trusted in you, pieces of me im too afraid to look at alone.
I give you my hand, my hearts already yours.

I will always see the cheese in all of those romantic quotes,
But I finally understand what they mean by "two hearts meeting and together become one."
Yes we argue from time to time & have our differences,
We're only human.
You encourage & push me to be the best that I  can.
Its hard for you but at least you try to show me sympathy when im upset or hurt.
You care for & hold me even if I put up an unnecessary fight.
You make me laugh even when at times I want to cry.
I look at you & feel a wave of warmth flood through me as butterflies dance inside me.
I still feel nervous around you,
Wanting to impress and please you at any opportunity.
I want to build a life with you,
Hand in hand.
Help fulfil each others dreams & longings.
I love you with every ounce of me.

You caught me in a webb from the first day we met.
I knew I wanted to know you more,
Although unsure of what more meant.
Intrigued by your quirky sense of humor,
Those soft caring eyes I could swim in for days.
That smile melted my heart & swept me away.
I feel safe when I'm with you as though I'm finally home.
Your little imperfections are what make you beautiful,
I'll promise to never mould or change you.
This is a little piece of me,
To show what you mean to me.
I give you my locket & key.

Mistaken guidance puts a fog like haze on reality.

Trying to figure out the point to " needing to make something of my life".
Constantly stuck in the mud with all these zombies of today.
Being force fed.
Feeding tube rammed down our throats to make their garbage easier for us to swallow.
Everything that life has to offer us is becoming a privilege,
Or taxed to benefit the hierarchy of the country.
Question authority,
Its becoming all we have left.

I wish I could flip a switch & revert back to childhood.
So free spirited,
Attaining pure joy from the simplest of things.
The world hasn't been tainted by its evil truths,
Slimey slithery bugs being flung in your hair were the worst of your troubles.
Content with your imagination,
Everyday filled to the brim with magical forest creatures.
When did our curtain of innocence get lifted,
The older we get the more hostile and brittle the world becomes.
I dont want to be in a world where we dont get to hear the children play.

Floating through the sky as though I were as light as paper.
Letting the breeze take me on a journey,
Don't worry about tomorrow its yet to exists.
Through thunder and hail and winds I couldn't bare to imagine.
I become a rag doll.
Thrown in any direction.
Soaked
Tattered and ripped.

Amongst the vines&mis;;, soft mossy ground under foot&the; smell of rain in the air.
Come.
Get lost with me in this magical land where the catipilars are bright and allseeing.
Come.
Get lost with me where i'll give you a little piece of me & open up a door for you to see into the depths of me.
I'm slipping down a rabbit hole.
I hope you'll be there to catch me when I fall.

There I lay,
Hollow,
All innereds  discarded along side the rubble.
Numb,
Dark shadows cascading faces to the mundane.
Confused & tormented,
Uncertain of where to turn.

I find you.

Both battered & bruised.
Scared & confused.
I'll be your light,
Warmth & comfort.
A safe-haven to rest your weary head.

Smudging the lines, to try feel secure.
Trying to find the "black and white" among all this chaotic colour.
The little dog sweeping the path as I go "Are you trying to confuse me more?"
Left to my own demise,
Maybe what I want really isn't what I need?

Alone & constricted, could I be anymore confused?
Amnesia will fix this,
Wipe the slate clean. Isn't that what they say?
Who are they? & why wont they give me any answers?

I'm tired of putting on this face.
I wont apologize if it offends you.

Do you ever get the feeling you're trapped, or in captivity?
Not by the true meaning of the word.
An overwhelming feeling you try, but cannot escape from.
Forbidden topics we feel should never be mentioned, there lays part of the problem.
We need to learn to reach for one another, help each other break free from these chains we've imprisoned ourselves in.
Maybe then we will be able to heal our home.

I've fallen,* lost and alone inside this beautiful abyss.
I wonder how I found myself here, somehow this light reflecting, radiating and submerging me is making it all seem alright.
I found you,in a time of need. Broken in such subtle ways, my spirit is here to guide me.
I don't want to fix you, and I'd be a fool to think you could fix me. Maybe, just maybe we can become more at ease.  
Through the rain and deepest of snow, howling winds that whistle and sigh. We can wait out the storm in this little bungalow
I would wait, for you, a life time.
Just enjoy us in the NOW and see where it takes you.
Let go and be free, I'll be here to catch you

Scratching from the inside, hurts more than the physical sense.
A shattering within my chest. Emotions on a tidal wave that has just smashed into shore.
I shouldn't trust my own judgement's anymore.
This is clearly not my shining hour.

Not enough people sit and observe the world today,
or their closest peers in it.
Too much time spent on trying to get things done, and then wonder how it seldom goes according to plan.
Too much time spent worrying, then wondering where their lives went.

So much beauty, laughter and joy slipping through the cracks.
Never being experienced, never given life nor a chance to shine.
Does it make you saddened to think you may be missing so much of life?
The little things, all because of this thing called "time" may cease to exist.

Yesterday, I could see clearly.
Thinking & actions flowed freely on their own accord.
[ Where is my mind? ]
Yesterday, "things" mattered.
I had goals.
Or so I thought?
I didn't worry about the way I stood, or whether I have a "dorky" look. Because today I saw you.
I was struck with awe by the mere presence of you.
If my limbs hadn't of frozen, then maybe I would have spoken to you. As the days roll by this fog grows thicker, you've become a form of block in my mind. [ Just think something rational! I swear I've forgotten how!]
It's a beautiful dream I've planned out for you & me.
But I know I'll be, forever alone

Blanketed beneath your warm embrace, I'm comforted by your tender spirit.
Learning each other, getting closer & fonder.
We're fragile creatures still finding our tongues.
Spirited away through the nightly hollows, like finding peace among the stars letting the journey unfold & become clearer to see.
I wont be frightened, only eager for what's to come.
Knowing my soul sings louder, I wonder if your song has even begun?

My own advice must be lacking in something.
Will I in turn become defeated by my own dimise?
What doesn't break you makes you stronger.
Well maybe Im tired of being broken.
Hiding inside my head for now, let me know when you've found "an easy way out"

Projecting through time, space and the now,
no sense of time, we all know that doesn't matter.
Seeing through a lens of pixelated imagery,
no wonder none of this ever seems like reality.
Just take a minute.
Sit back and breath a little deeper.
Take in the beauty of every living thing.
Appreciate what you have and to be able to witness today.
Make a stand for something that truly matters.
Make your heart smile and soul sing,
for your projections will be all you have left.
So don't take for granted those little things.
Live free.

Secrets
Emotions
Heart racing
Softly weeping

No one hears the last cry
As the bottle falls from her hand
Not a drop left
There
Laying beside her
A solem bottle of pills
She lys there helplessly
So peaceful and free

True translucent sphares ascending down upon me
Amongst this chaotic mess
The beauty slanted & warping in time

Cascade your light on those who need it
For I am too far to find
At home in the darkness with all it's little creatures
Please
Don't leave me to my own dimise

I'm not lost
No need for pitty
Simply
Knowing
So don't pull back my shades to where I feel most at home