i thought i was done with him.
our friendship disintegrated and he poisoned the waters between us
because i loved him, which is my fault, and i tried to tell him
(which is my fault)
but he was so cruel and i know that isn't my fault.
he hurt me in the worst way
and i thought it would make me crumble but
i stand still and i hope still and i love still.
in a weird turn of events,
god sent me something new
right when i needed a distraction.
and i feel my heart growing fond for this new boy
but part of it is still aching for this old boy.
i wish i could push him away forever, if only because that seems to be what he wants
but there's this movie about love that i watched
and it changed me forever,
and the character faced the same dilemma i did
except his outcome was a happy one (at first)
"is it better to speak or to die"
and he spoke, so i spoke,
and everything fell to pieces around me,
and now i can't watch that movie without remembering him
you know, him. california.
i remember how much my fingers itched to be on him at all times,
and how much my stomach flipped when he came close.
sloppy drunk kisses that meant the world to me.
i remember how i still love him
and how i can't let him leave me
even though he hurts me, even though someone better came.
i think our story ends like the movie does:
sitting in front of a fire, tears and acceptance.
the world keeps spinning and my heart will have to keep beating,
even if she doesn't really want to sometimes.
i will have to go on.
some days will be cloudy but i think i'll survive.
after all, god knows i've seen worse.
our story ends without a resolution and i think that's okay,
because i think the closure would be less satisfying anyway.
there is no happy ending because
he doesn't love me like i love him, or at all, and that ***** now
but i know someone will love me ten times better someday and
maybe when they make a movie of our story it'll have a sequel.
or maybe not, and i have to be okay with that.
my california vacation has to end.

i'm writing a letter to my mama that i'm never gonna send.
because she'd worry, and because i can't find my stamps.
hey mama, i'll start,
i'm really ******* sad today.
my heart is broken and i don't know how to focus on school.
i fell for this boy because he was my best friend and we had *** this one time and then i was a goner.
and he hurt me so much, mama, in little ways that i ignored
because i refused to see the bad in him.
but he was bad from the beginning. he was a bad friend all along.
because a real friend wouldn't just touch you when he's drunk and pretend nothing happened when he's sober
and not just once, either.
i really loved him, i think.
i think i still do.
oh my god, mama, what am i supposed to do?
i still have to see him everywhere but even thinking about him makes my eyes water and i have a paper due tomorrow that i can't finish because somehow it reminds me of him.
this is really tough.
i kinda wish i was still little and you could cook me dinner and do my homework for me.
but now we live in different states and i won't see you until the semester is over and i just feel ******* lost.
growing up is so ******.
did you have to have me?
i made a mistake in kissing him in the first place,
but it seemed right at the time, and now i've spent an entire year of college crying over the same boy that doesn't care and never did and ******* this is awful and i can't even cry myself to sleep most nights because i have a roommate and--
but don't worry about me, ma.
i'll be home soon and we can watch tv and go for walks and spend four hours in target and maybe one night i'll tell you everything and how much it hurt even though you'll cry too because you couldn't protect me from a boy with long eyelashes and a great sense of humor.
love you! bye.
she's my best friend. so why can't i tell her when my heart is breaking? i'll lick the envelope but never send it and i think keeping this from her is the worst part of it all

and it is all over now.
i disturbed the universe, and it disturbed me back.
right now, i feel as if lava coated me and
seared me and
sealed me in unmovable stone.
my love has thrown me overboard and let me drown.
i tried so hard to make a happy home
out of  a house with no warmth to give
and it has hurt more than any hurt before it.
i loved him loved him
i really did
and oh my god he didn't even care one bit
not at all
and now i have an unrequited love and no best friend
because i opened my mouth and dared and lost it all in one roll.
i think i will never speak again.
this is the worst end of love of them all
he is gone for good and i'm stuck here, numb.
right now, i feel as if lava coated me and
seared me and
sealed me in unmovable stone.
maybe tomorrow i will feel different.
maybe tomorrow i will shake loose the crumbling rock.
maybe tomorrow i will dry my tears and put on pants and fall out of love with him.
until then i am in bed feeling so much that it feels like nothing.
i have so much beauty in my heart!
why do i spend it all on boys with their doors shut?
right now, i think i'll die still asking this question.
maybe tomorrow i will find someone better
because i am nothing if not resilient and my love is elastic and i know this isn't the end of me.
but for today it is.
i disturbed the universe, and it disturbed me back.
but i am full of light and hope and
i believe there was a reason for this pain.
i have to.

"and indeed there will be time
to wonder 'do i dare?'
...
do i dare
disturb the universe?"
i could wreck it all with the same breath it would take
to ask about his day, or tell him there's something in his teeth,
or suggest a new song.
and this power is deafening.
do i dare wake the gods?
surely they will want to see this,
this unraveling of my stability
(it does not matter that the "stability" was killing me)
they have such a cruel interest
in the blossoming and withering within my heart.
they tend the garden one minute and burn it the next
and they revel in watching the flames
and i think i do too.
i sit on the edge of a humbling world and waste time.
"and indeed there will  be time...
there will be time to ****** and create....
time for you and time for me"
but every second i deliberate i lose my resolve
and i resolve to bite my tongue
and get used to the taste of my blood.
i wait and deliberate and deliberately hurt myself
(old habits die hard) and i still can't swim
and i think this is drowning but it's just a puddle--
is this the way i go out? in a shallowness of my own making?
do i dare do i dare do i dare
step into the forest primeval and wreck it all
i know hope is useless but
something is telling me that maybe there will be time
for "affection that hopes, and endures, and is patient"
for a sigh of relief and what i so deeply desire.
he is all that i want
and the air that i breathe and i would hold my breath if he asked
and maybe i should hold my breath and tongue
do i dare do i dare do i dare
i'm toeing the line and there will be time
but i think i should just jump

i wish it was easier to be in love with you.
if i could feel a little less helpless,
a little less completely lost within loving you.
when you aren't around i feel weak,
afraid, half-empty.
and when you are...
when your arm is around my shoulders,
and your thumb is doing that gentle rubbing thing on my thigh,
when you let me take up my space in your bed,
and kiss my forehead before i leave...
loving you is so difficult, so painstaking and cruel
and time-consuming,
but i never thought it would be this easy
to want one thing with every little breath in my body.
to throw my whole self into wanting you and only you
is the simplest thing i have ever done.
to jump off the cliff was a no-brainer;
to fall lifelessly and wholeheartedly was uncomplicated.
it's the loving that is so **** tremendous.
out of all the things i've done,
the friends i've buried and lies i've told,
to be in love with you is the hardest of them all.
this heartache is nearly impossible,
but not loving you would be even worse.
you are endless
and you will be my end.
how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

i had a bit of a breakdown earlier today,
but i bet you're not surprised to hear this,
because i'm pretty sure you ghosts see everything
(kinda like god does).
but i bet you're also not surprised to hear this
because you knew that after you left,
until the last person who remembers you dies,
someone will be missing you.
you knew you'd break our hearts
and that we would long for the past when you were here
with every breath in our lungs
and freckle on our arms.
you knew you'd hurt us like this,
and put this infinite throbbing pain in our souls,
and still you left.
like a bridge over troubled water,
i will lay me down
(again and again and again)
because the sorry numbness of missing you is worth it,
just to reminisce on when you touched my hands,
and laughed with me,
and sang with me,
and cried to me.
i would go through every painful millisecond of missing you again
(and again and again and again)
if it meant i could remember you clearly.
but my memory is fading and your face is getting farther,
and it's harder to remember your voice and oh!
the prospect of losing you again is somehow worse
than losing you in the first place.
but this sad little glass is still half full,
because when i sat in the pew at your funeral
and sang your requiem,
god sat next to me and told me i would see you again.
and he told me to take my time
so i would have great stories to tell you
when i finally get to see you again.
old friend, other half of my sorry heart,
i'm making these memories for us,
and every day is for you, too.
but ******* it hurts to do it all alone.