My heart is racing faster then it does after I do a sprint because I'm anxious to know what will happen between me and her. My own bed has lost its appeal to me, because I can't lay still for more than a minute, I want to run. I'm having trouble making what I want to say clear because my mind is clouded with the doubt that everything I do is quite possibly wrong or flawed. And I'm telling myself to loosen my grip on my wrist, because even though my nails have been bitten to almost nothing, if I keep holding on this tight, there will be marks in my skin tomorrow morning. And I can't reread this because my eyes are watered over with a glassy film of tears, so excuse any mistakes. I need water, but I'm choking on my own spit, because my throat is caked with the words that I should have said to her long ago. And I'm strangling my poor ragged teddy bear, because he's the one thing I can tangibly hold on to in my life right now; considering I've lost my mind and I can't catch up with my heartbeat that's running away too fast. And I should have gone to bed hours ago but instead I'm wide awake with no chance of that because there heavy footed soldiers marching around in my head and they have had no order to sleep yet; so neither have I. I'm taking the slow breaths that I was told are supposed to soothe me, but how can things be smoothed over and forgotten if each breath you take is sharper and less confident than the last. And my fingers are shaking because I've never had to put something like this into words.

I wonder if you think of how it used to be
If you put on a mask and tell people you don't miss me
Tell them that you've
Moved on
Forgotten everything
And don't care what happens next
When deep down none of that is true
I wonder if you see me
Everywhere you go
If you see my beaten up blue converse attached to every body in the streets
And hear my laugh on every summer breeze in the gossiping trees
If you wish things were
Different
Or remember things you promised me
I wonder if you ever need to talk to me but refuse to send that text because it
Hurts
             Too
                        Bad
To talk over the rubble and mistakes that make up what is supposed to be
At the very least
A friendship
I hope you remember the oaths you took and how you broke them without giving it a second thought
How you told me you would always be there
And then one day you were
Gone
I hope you remember
My God, I hope you remember
I hope you remember and realize
That you broke my heart
And I hope,
I hope
That I broke yours too

I only let myself cry
When it's so
Dark
That if I met anyone on the streets
They wouldn't be able to see my tear streaked
Cheeks
And bloodshot blue eyes

Kiss me asleep
with your obsidian lips.

Protect my ears
from the cacophony nights would bring.

Fill the void
between heartbeats that skip.

Take me into the lull,
and into the siren song that you sing.

as i walk down this road
with the moon shining a pale glow onto my shoulders
i feel weightless
empty
but in a good way
nothing is weighing me down
i’m like a bird
cloaked in feathers
airy
everything is clear
my thoughts
the sky
no clouds
sober
i understand now.
and i’m content.
i’m alone
in a way
but i’m okay alone
for now
because he taught me things
and i appreciate that now
and i don’t long for his name
i’m no longer mad
i’m at peace with who we were
and who we are now
and i hope so is he.