I felt the weight of a million universes on my shoulders and in my head, pounding

Blood rushing to my head and I cannot fathom obtaining any peace until my blood has stopped pumping

Undesirable, inconsolable, insecure, three words to describe my demeanor

Torn from what I wanted , needed, and all I knew, brought to a state of numbness

Walking around like an emotional, emotionless zombie, unable to think speak or feel properly

Heavy heavy heart, what more can you endure when all you've got left is shattered pieces, too shattered to put back together

My eyes fill like a bathtub and my skin tingles with a feeling of remorse

There's a deep pang at the back of my throat, and a sharp stab in the center of my chest, I cannot feel this way .

This is not what it is supposed to be.

Grey clouds gather and I can see them reflected in your eyes.
Grey clouds gather as we lay under these skies.

The rain comes down, we run from it all.
The rain comes down, will you catch me if I fall?

I don't want to read too deep,
Into the things you do,
Or the things that I see at night when I sleep.

But it is hard when you practically said that you love me,
It is hard when I don't know what you want this to be.

Am I just wasting time? Waiting for the words to be said.
Or am I just wasting time, is it all in my head?

I am used to you pulling ahead,
We should have kissed long ago,
My soul feels like led.

But maybe it simply feels like a bird,
I am ready to fly,
Ready for my cry to be heard.

I am filled with joy and fear all at the same time
Is this beating heart even mine?

The rain came down, I felt so alive,
The rain came down, I like when we just drive.

I think I finally realize, you are my cup of tea,
Come on friend, come and cut me free.

Come pick my petals and kiss me quick,
Come make my heart explode and make me your pick.

If you fill up my cup, can I fill yours too?
As this rain pours down, tell it can be true.

A sky of stars and galaxies
Reflects itself in my mind,
And for a moment,
I wish that I could capture
That view through a man made lens
So I could share it with you.
That's what missing you feels like--
Like there is so much in my head
But no way to show it.
No way to send you a virtual kiss,
Or take a picture to tell you
What I am thinking.
My surroundings are vast and I am small,
But let me tell you this:
You are somewhere between
A mortal and a miracle,
And I find you in the stars
Because you don't belong
Among the humans.
That's the way I look at you--
My own personal Galaxy
That wraps me up
In a warm blanket of stars.
We may be apart,
But my heart lies wherever you are.

I remember you quite well.  
Your face, the way you spoke.
The way your body felt in a warm embrace.
It all floods back from my memory.
Right now.
It's been about 4 years since we met.
                        4 years.
You told me you'd never forget me.
I remember the first time you told me you loved me.
My God we were so young.
It's been about 3 years since you wrote me the first letter in the series of many.
                        3 years.
You told me I was perfect and that stars are not nearly  as beautiful as my eyes.
It was the first time I truly felt that was true.
It's been about 2 years since we stayed up at your house, eating pizza, talking to each other about the wonders of life at 3 am.
                        2 years.
And I still stay up that late almost all the time, thinking about how you hugged me and told me I was wonderful and everything would be okay, and how for the first time in my life I had someone to talk to. I've never had that after you.
It's been about 1 year since we slept in each other's arms and you made me jump on your back and we ran through the pouring rain together.
                         1 year.
We came to a stop. We sat on the bench right next to the lake. We spoke and all I could pay attention to was the way you said my name like it was the religion you practiced and the way the water dropped down your face and body like you were being baptized.
You kissed me then.

I've never felt so holy in my life.

It's been 4 years since we met.
It's been 3 years since I knew I loved you.
It's been 2 years since you saw the real raw unabridged version of myself.
It's been 1 year since I was saved.
And it's been my whole life I've been waiting for someone like you.

Tragically, my love, I don't think you even know my favourite color or the way I love to sing anymore.

You used to think of me every minute of every day.
4
You used to think of me often.
3
You used to think of me sometimes.
2
You used to think of me once in a blue moon.
1
You stopped thinking of me, just like that.
I lost my faith like I lost you.

I trace the curve of your spine
And write my secrets on your bones

We're surrounded by others
But your eyes say we're all alone

Is it that I'm myself with you,
Or that you're yourself with me?
Maybe it's the feeling of togetherness,
the power of we.

I don't know of it was that **** smirk
Your scent,
Your clothes
Or your jokes
All I know is you turned me inside out
My usual thought-out replies
Replaced with a measly choke

There's really no thesis to this,
No ******, no conclusion

Everything I just described so vividly
Is merely a self-made illusion

I haven't met you yet - the one that'll make flowers blossom in the corners of my mind

Who I'll crave and adore
And with whom I will spend my time

I'm not waiting for you, I have no time to seek

You're somewhere living your own life.
Each minute,
Hour,
Week.

The memories you're making now I will hear about in years to come

Along with your whispers in my ear: "This is it... you're the one."

Maybe you think you're in love now, with him or she

But the universe will make it happen

The one you love... it'll be me.

nobody warns you about the first boy who tells you he wants to marry you.

nobody warns you about the tangible shift in the universe when he parts his lips to smile.

nobody warns you about the poetry he'll write you or how your knees will weaken or the melancholy hidden between the layers of his laughter.

nobody warns you that miles will morph into lightyears and you will curse the ocean for being the only thing that keeps his fingers from resting between yours.

nobody warns you about the day his sweater doesn't smell like him anymore.

nobody warns you that human hands are incapable of holding a person together.

nobody warns you that sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much you wish it was.

nobody warns you about the crippling nostalgia that renders you breathless.

nobody warns you about the nights when silence screams for your blood.

nobody warns you about the crater that forms in your chest in the middle of the night when he doesn't answer.

nobody warns you about how it's going to feel when he tells you he's in love with someone else.

nobody warns you that forever is a lie.

- m.f.

what you need to understand about me is that i am nothing more than misplaced passion and a pair of blindly swinging fists that tremble with unrighteous anger. so allow me to apologize in advance for the fires my subconscious starts. i am a clumsy compilation of ill-suited lines that will never see life in your poetry. at least, not like they used to. you are a book filled with with pictures i never got to take, and every day i am forced to sit idly by while she starts a new roll of film. the missile crisis reincarnate is inside my chest, so forgive me for not being able to control when i shake. forgive me for fumbling with syntax so crassly. i know better than to spew hate and call it poetry. please understand that the endless series of sinking ships in my head makes it difficult to form coherent thought. my thoughts, will **** me, if your absence doesn't first. i think about your hands more than i am proud to admit, and when i picture them reaching for her i feel so sick. i'm sorry. i am so sorry that i haven't yet learned how to moderate the volcano in my throat. i'm so sorry for spitting fire with my eyes closed. forgive me for confusing anger with bravery and burning down too many houses to count. in my misguided thirst for blood i weaponized memories and threw them like daggers in every direction, but the only one being hit is me. i am so tired of bleeding, i am tired of this one-sided war, i am tired of being a war. i tried so hard to be catharsis personified but i have to face the reality that my arms would only hold you like a grave. i loved you like rainwater, and lost you like time. you were never mine. you were never mine. you were never mine. i have to say that to myself every day because it eases the pain of watching you belong to anyone else. but i can't ignore the surplus of "what if's" wreaking havoc in my consciousness. i think that's why i get so angry when i picture you laughing with her instead of me. i am blocking out the memory of the night you told me my laughter could cure your sadness. ******* it. i am trapped in a nightmare where the walls of the home we built are lined with photographs of her. this is why i can't breathe at the thought of her smiling when the flash goes off. they say that nothing good stays; i have never been good at leaving, so i guess that makes sense. you once referred to me as an anxious mess you would spend the rest of your life cleaning up, and i can't get that out of my head. i hope you know, that after everything, i would still sit and collect dust on a shelf in your house forever, if that's what you wanted me to do. but i know it's not, so i'll go back to apologizing. i'm sorry that my rage doesn't have an off switch. i'm sorry for being a literal spitfire. i'm sorry for being an earthquake under her glass slippers. i'm sorry that my mouth is a loaded gun and that i have ****** aim. i swear to god i'm trying not to shoot so often but this is one of the hardest things i have ever done. so until i learn control i will burn in silence with the safety on.  

- m.f.