I look in the mirror and I see a man,
Standing, looking down at the blood upon his hands
He shudders at himself, struggles to stand
This wasn't meant to be,
This wasn't part of the plan,

I look in the mirror, and I see a boy
Crying over spilt milk and broken toys
Over his favorite hot wheel being crushed by daddies van,
This wasn't meant to be, this wasn't part of the plan

I look in the mirror, and I see a monster,
A red blooded sociopath who looks like his father
Remembering a sermon of empty words
The deepest cuts bleed but dont hurt
But the ones on my wrist do,
This wasn't meant to be,
This wasn't a part of the plan

You want a rough guy,
Well that's just not me, baby
You want a man that'll waste your time
Instead of worry about your safety

I'm gentle, but I'm a wreck
You're always on my mind
I cant seem to satisfy
**** this poem, I'm to mad to even write
Thinking I'm gonna try and be someone I'm not for you.
LOL nope.

There will come a time when
I have to choose a path
And I know it will be the one
That leads away from you....

You're dead to me.
You'll regret leaving me.
I assure you.
But I wont be awaiting the return
Of someone who treats me like you did

Ungrateful *****.

Just another day in the life of me,
Wondering about the life-to-be
getting high and writing whatever
I'm just here for the good times together
Optomism, is surely underrated
Don't fret about the future,
Not everything needs calculated
I'm just trying to relax,
go on, try it and kick back

I will find a very special place,
Where the sun lands gently on your face
And it's engraved into my heart
You know, you're a work of art

I'll run my fingers through your hair, love
We can go here, or there, or anywhere
That you ever wanted to go,
Just as long as you know
That I love you more than anything
There are so many songs that are left to sing
We can watch all the movies,
That I actually remembered to bring.

I'm sorry for the pain I've caused
And the tears you've cried
With my name tattooed
In the streaks they left
Upon your pale skin
Every sob engraved into a calloused heart
That knows nothing but
Malevolence and loneliness
I'm sorry...

Arranged elegantly, decorated with babies breath
Is the face of a girl that joined the ranks of death
Every where, she wore a smile
To help a friend would walk a mile
She’d connect with how you feel,
Always down to keep it real
She’d give you her last meal
Before she let you starve

I knew her since I was about eleven,
Now she stands at the gates of Heaven
And I can only imagine the look on Gods face
When she stepped into His grace
Redefining “Angel face”
For those she left behind
In the wake of suicide
Always on our minds
Since came her time..

I'm sitting in In-School-Suspension
I flick their air with my tongue,
And I can taste the tension
And the humility
Of the acts that got my fellow **** ups here

One was in a fight,
One was selling ***,
One caught with a knife,
The other blew his snot,
On the principal

This room is as bland as bland can be
Tanned walls and tall ceilings,
That are impossible to reach
I just can't shake the feeling,
Of boredom taking over me

This poem has no real purpose,
I'm writing to pass the time,
Only five more hours to go,
Since it's half past nine

Tick, tock, tick tock,
Goes the clock,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
There it goes again, the clock
With it's ticking,
And it's tocking
It's driving me insane,
Up the tanned walls to the high ceilings
I can't shake the feeling,
Of boredom taking over me

They look me in the eyes,
My demons,
They leave me feeling paralyzed,
I'm dreaming,
No
This is far beyond a dream,
Oh, far beyond what it seems
A place of inner reflection,
Battling all my fears,
Head on, with no protection,
Except the strength I've gained.
Throughout the years

When I look in the mirror,
I see in my own eyes that,
The monsters are growing bigger
Thrashing, crashing in my head,
Leave me hopeless, sweating,
Keeping me awake in my own bed
The monsters fill me with dread,
Thrashing, crashing, inside my head
They **** me inside, leave me thinking that I'm dead
I've listened to the words they have said
When they're thrashing, crashing, inside my head

Humming,
In my mind,
An empty blank space
Binaural noise
Tune out,

Breathe in,
Contemplate my existence,
Wonder about the afterlife,
Breathe out

A circuit between thumb and forefinger,
Feel energy flowing through me
Wrists resting on the knees,
Palms up,
Back straight

Endorphins flowing,
Peace creeps over the body
The world blacked out,
Behind colorful, closed lids

In silence, I meditate

Tick, tock, goes the clock,
Racking at my ******* brain
Tick, tock, goes the clock,
Waiting for the break of day

I'm being driven to madness,
By the tick, tock, of the clock
Diving downward into sadness,
Listen tick, tock, of the clock

The buzzing of my ceiling fan,
The hum of my computer
This is the mind of the ******
Insomnia, never came sooner

It's just after midnight,
The bell has sung it's song
Gotta get to feeling right,
After so many days of trial

Let loose,
Let the alcohol take over,
Come through,
I need to cure this case of sober

It's a party, it's a party,
everybody's turning up,
Though it's just getting started,
I wonder if it'll be enough,
To take you away,
To take away the memories of my brightest days,
With you,
Intoxicate me...

Introspection: noun, the examination and understanding of ones own mental and emotional processes.

This word has killed me for as long as I can remember.
Being an introvert I'm left with just myself and my thoughts
And, more often than not,
I hate myself for the sins that I've wrought
I'll never be good enough to satisfy myself,
Hell, I don't know if I'm good enough
For anybody else
And all these thoughts and these feelings that I've felt
Have me questioning the cards I was dealt,
And whether I should play at all
Whether I should just fall
Down into a hole and never come back up
Because the world would be better off without me

I remember when we were young
And we had nowhere else To go
And I had no purpose but you
And your happiness

My reason to be
My reason to breathe
My reason to love,
Riding the wings of a white winged dove
Into a sunset of uncertainty and inspired youth

I'll hold you in a cold place
Bring laughter back to that face
And i stay up all night to pace when you're gone
Because you're all I ever think about baby
And no one could ever take your place

Staring into field of emotion and tall grasses of affection
Glistening wet with the dew of sadness some days
But I see the sun still shining on brightly
Through the mists of hopelessness
I see all these things,
In your iris,
Leaving me to wonder, what you see
In these tired brown irises of mine

I barely eat,
I rarely sleep,
But I'm so tired of things
Eating at me.

Everything is warm,
Colors are vivid and bright
Sunshine in my soul.

I wish I had the strength,
to pull the trigger

I wonder how you feel tonight,
Cradled in the arms,
Of someone that will leave you at morning light
Before you awaken, for you set no alarm
When you rise, I'll be far gone out of sight,
Down the next highway,
Passing rows of corn and countless farms

I have to run from memories of you,
From all the things we used to do,
Who you are and how we were,
And all the comfort of your words,
I won't even remember your name,
I left my heart with you and yesterday,
So much tension between us,
So someone had to pay

I watched the sky bleed red last night,
It was a beautiful sight,
Maybe God cut the sunset with a knife,
Left it to die, or maybe
Bleeding is a new way of life?
Under a guise that maybe
Daytime isn't what I'm supposed to like,
And the devil's filled with spite
So he takes away the light, like,
"My shadow... touches"

Darkness, creeps, over, me,
Why, am I, scared?
Darkness, creeps, over, me,
God told me, to be-ware
I, didn't, listen
Devil pulls me, by the, hair

He said

You know your idolized reality?
It's a lie, my disciple
Can't hide your broken mentality,
You can write these peace cyphers
But what does it change, in actuality ?
Not a **** thing, young writer
Let's skip the formalities and say that
At night, I creep up in ya head like,
"I'm here, start running"


Darkness, creeps, over, me,
Why, am I, scared?
Turning, to the, word, but
God, wasn't, there,
I, should've, listened, but I
didn't, really, care,

Last night, the devil crawled in my bed like,
"Make space, we're sharing."

I was walking down the street one day
And I knew that nothin was gonna be the same
And I might catch the midnight train
Cause I've got nowhere else to go

I bid you farewell I'll return some day
With a thick gold chain and a pocket full of change
With a fresh new suit and a white fedora
Exotic cigarettes and a new Toyota
And you'll question me when I say
That way back when I used to know ya

I'll tell you tales of Californian waves
And hitchhiking down on sixty eight
But god had laid it in my fate
To come back to you, like I said I would back then

Sitting in my computer room,
Staring at a monitor that laughs in my face,
My words spilling faster than my hands can will them
To be carved into my retina,

My thoughts return to her,
She's wonderful, assured
A person far away,
Maybe on foreign shores
And I will find her before,
I die

Sonder,
I wonder,
Of all the other people around me,
are their worlds as mine are to me,
Ups and downs, smiles and frowns,
I wonder,
Do they ponder things as I do?

The world would be a perfect place,
if it weren't a place where one needs
nearly boundless energy to succeed.

My compassion and my contempt are always at war with each other.
I want to cut human kind with a blade and stitch together the wound I had created.
Sitting in Gods palm I asked him the question of why I am this way,
And he said it was because I was created in his image.

In the morning fog my breath collects
Always leaving me to wonder what's next
My life became black and grey poetry
Colors just appear when you notice me
Your eyes a shade of grey and icey blue
Kaleidoscopes of emotions and hues
Dance inside your ever changing iris
It's a gamble, it's my heart I risk
The possibility of hurting me
Could lead to lasting love, eternally
To take my hand and go through the fire
For flames cannot touch stars that burn brighter

She wants to sing,
Pour her heart out,
To me,
feeling so lost and alone
She sings of love,
She sings of loss,
Of how she's turned,
And how she's tossed
And how she's been through this
More than enough

She looks to me for guidance,
I hold her through the night
She looks in my eyes, so,
Kiss her, I just might
A kiss that could bring us together,
From now til forever,
Or make her go back to him,
And leave my with my lonliness,
And my sins

When she smiles,
It's like a baptism
Freeing me from all the worst things in life
Her happiness floods over me like God reforming the world
And I'm adrift on the arc of her love
The only thing keeping me afloat
Above this sea of melancholy and despair

Though sea monsters reach from the bottom,
Trying desperately to sink a claw in my throat
I feel protected by your omnipresence
As if your hand could smite any foe
From a thousand miles away

You are the lighthouse,
That guides me to the safety of your shores
And when I port, I'll step out
And kiss the ground you've laid before me
In eternal gratitude for your safe harbor

I'll always find safety in you

When you're gone,
And I'm far away,
I hear the silence,
and the slow decay,
Of faith, and the way I see
And the things I believe
Rear their heads and gnash their teeth
At me, and I wanna scream
And run away to a better place
Where the sunshine hits your face
For me to appreciate
your grace

And I'm filled with these images
Of a happy life and care-free innocence
I can almost taste the vividness
Where life would pass without incidence
Sun up, sun down, synchronous
Rid the plague of ambivalence,

Let me fly away

I need freedom
I long for an open road
That leads to Rome
Or anywhere else
I could ever want to go

I feel so confined
These concrete structures keep me in
I need to unwind
Find somewhere I've ever been

I can't stay here anymore

My dishonest nature pushes people away
I'm so immature, but I'd beg you to stay
But I guess, I'll leave, and head for the come what may
With nothing but old photographs and memories of yesterday

I would rather conquer myself,
than win a thousand battles.

I miss your touch
The taste of your skin
Sweet like chamomile
and honey
Dancing on my tongue
Like venereal ballet dancers

It's only you that can light this fire,
Carnal desire,
Lay your head back,
Let me take you higher
And know that I'm not a liar
When I say your eyes drip liquid lapis
On a world that's only known
Black and white

Sometimes I feel I'm a little fish,
In the big pond that is the world
And I see bigger fish,
Eat little fish like me
I mean, it's only survival of the fittest,
But what if we could change that?
What if a little fish could change the world?
with an idea bigger than all the biggest fish combined
This is all metaphorical, you know
But I feel like it's the best way to explain my ideas,
And that is that no matter who you are,
Or where you come from, the path you've walked
And all the hardships you have had to endure,
You matter.
you may be a little fish in a big big pond,
But little fish can change the world

Speak with kindness,
Act with mindfulness,
See with clarity,
without disparaging
Keep yourself clean,
Never take unjustly
Give, openly
Love, wholly
Walk in such a way that
Flowers bloom before your path
And birds sing the praises
Of the good you've done to this awful world  
Free yourself from suffering,
This cycle of death and rebirth
Live compassionately and devout
Without wanting, or ego
Detach yourself,
Let go..

I lost myself in darkness
Trying to find your light

I watched you write me love notes,
Appreciating the way you loop your y's
And the cursive that looks like graphite smoke
On an untouched canvas

The way you hold your hand is elegant,
Every movement fine, performed with grace
And you mutter what you're writing
Just to make sure it sounds perfect.

Sometimes, you scribe little poems outside the margin
Sweetness dripping like honey off tongues,
Enraptured by your words, spellbound
I'll fall into you

What can I do to make you love yourself again ? You literally make me the happiest person on earth. When I wake up you're the first thing in my mind and I dream about you when I sleep. My whole day is preoccupied with thoughts of you. When I think of beautiful sounds I think of your voice. When I think of beautiful sights I think of your smile. I wish I could do something to make you see this is all worth while. I want you to love you the way that I do. When you look in the mirror I want you to see a person that emanates light from all your pores and supernovas in your iris. You're all the good things I could never find in myself. My other half. But I've blinded you to these things through my own moronic action and ethical pitfalls. And for that, I'm truely sorry... I love you so much... Please don't leave me..

I feel my pupils,
Dialate,
My legs become,
A nimble stalk of grass
Blowing in the breeze

Everything is ******* awesome,
The hand of God Himself could not bring me down
From this man made chemical high

I struggle to pull a cigarette,
From a freshly opened pack
Because I can't quite feel my finger tips
**** you, Marlboro..

Leaves shake involuntarily,
On the trees before my eyes
The little piece of square paper,
That rests upon my tongue,
Brings me harmony

Dance with me, Lucy
Show me kaleidoscopes of the spirit
Colors mixed and found, anew
Make the little clock
On my iPhone,
Spin in violent motion
As I stare into your eyes

Lie with me, Lucy
Tell me your stories
As I lie on my back and listen
In wonder
To the sounds caressing my soul
It's only you that brings out
This wonderful, wonferful feeling
in me

You make my mind do backflips
I lose myself in you
My conciousness expanding
The third eye peeled open
By your paper fingernails
And the taste of you,
Keeps me coming back
Wasting all my money,
Wasting all my time
But I'd lose all that only if
I can have you by my side

Why do you have to go away?
Why do you leave me drained?
Do you find solace in,
These tired eyes that remain?
I can fall into your influence
Like a perfume inviting my sweetly
To the breast of a conscience yet unexplored
Miles away, I am from me,
With you alone, the third eye sees
everything left unexplained
To me
I love you

Baby, you know I love you
Won't you marry me?

forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
I have stolen, lied and cheated.
I've lashed out at those that did not deserve it
and praised those who put themselves on a pedestal.
Yet, my most awful transgression
was self inflicted suffering.
I let others steal from me.
Lie to me. Cheat on me.
Let them break every bone in my body
And stomp me into the ground.
But I didn't mind..
I cared for them.
Be they friends, lovers, or enemies.
I only wanted them to love me.
To be proud of me.
So I let them destroy... everything.
I am disgusted at myself.

I love her,
She loves me
We were always
Meant to be

The years first snowflake
Lands on the face of a boy,
Not quite yet a man,
Who's yet to figure out where he stands

His brown irises scan the background
For a sign of what he's lost
Looking past his breath, into the frost,
He expects to find something, anything,
Profound

His hands curl in his pockets,
Fingers numb with cold
Spinning a heart shaped locket,
Feelings the memories, etched in gold
A place inside for a photograph
Of a lover or mother or brother,
He has none of these anymore,
Won't let remembrance and mourning
Pull him under,
He continues on his path

On this tiny piece of paper
Lies paradise
Awakening of the third eye
Pupils dilate and the giggles set in
My teeth start to clench and vibrations begin
From the top of my head to the tips of my toes
Energy is flowing and my problems corrode
Visual distortion
Things out of proportion
Walls bend and breathe
My hands clench my knees
And my peak has been reached
Everywhere I look, a visual change
Temporarily I'm mentally deranged
LSDs a way to get you feeling strange
But in a way that's so positive
It makes me think that god exists
My mood is lifted and my spirit soars
A happiness that I feel down in my core
A lone string of laughter
Till four hours after
And I begin coming down
And you can really enjoy
The drug that fills he void
Still hallucinating but not so belligerent
Off the peak you feel the difference
Acid a catalyst of mental deliverence
But expect to be up all night,
Till morning light
What a sight to see the sun
And your getting sober now
Sad because your high is over now
And it's time to lay down and catch some z's
You had a hell of a night, rest easy, pleased

Sometimes I call your voicemail
Just to hear you speak

The coffee machine was dripping a little louder than usual. Sitting in my kitchen waiting for the blinking red light to stop was the last place I had wanted to be. All of my friends are out and my girlfriend is asleep. What else is there to do?

I hear the ding and pour myself a small amount of coffee. I still wanted to sleep tonight so a full mug wouldn't be wise. There was some lame horror movie about snakes on the tube when I made my way back to the living room. A woman was struggling with her leg thigh deep in the mouth of an oversized Anaconda. Pass.

I finish my coffee and take the cup back to the sink. I stare into the night that looks like it was smeared with mottled grey ink that had been sitting out for too long. The tree was waving it's weird branch-hand at me in the wind again. I don't like that tree. Never have.

I start to wander back to my bedroom. My bare feet cold against the old hickory floor. This old house squeaks, but it's what I can afford right now. If you didn't know me, you'd think I was squatting. But no matter. I started to walk up the stairs, careful to avoid the spot where water drips from the ceiling and runs down the banister.

Once reaching the top of the stairs I turn right to go to my bedroom. I turn the **** and get in bed when I shut it, thinking nothing of what I was doing. I reach over. Where's my girl at? She was just sleeping here not even an hour ago. Did she leave and I didn't notice?

I get out of bed again and put my house shoes on again, wondering exactly what the hell was going on. I shuffle out to the hall, just ready to sleep. I stick my head out the door and look both ways. "Babe? You there?" I say to the emptiness, hearing my echo.

The emptiness responded back.

I heard footsteps, and a small laugh.

Now I'm starting to get scared. I step out into the hall and call again. "Hello? Who's there?" Nothing. I wait about five seconds and there were three knocks coming from downstairs. Who could be at the door at this hour? Maybe it's Cheyenne coming home.

I make my way down the stairs, a little scared and slightly *******. I open the door- "Did you forget your... oh" There was no one there. Just the sounds of the wind. "Where the hell did she go?" She was nowhere to be found. I searched the whole house. But the car is still here. This is weird.

I shut the door and turn around. I'm so confused. I can't make up or down out of this entire situation. Maybe I'll wake up suddenly and this will all just be some crazy dream.

I move to my couch and turn the channel from the snake movie. Chick flick, chick flick, talk show, news, news, news, more news. I give up.
I turn on the tv and something in the reflection of the glass. It appears to be Cheyenne. I jump, almost out of my skin and turn around suddenly. Nothing. I feel the sweat beading up on my forehead and the back of my neck. My first instinct is to run. Far, far away. No. I can't do that, my girlfriend is mysteriously gone. If I don't find her soon, I'm calling the police. Bottom line.

I go to the kitchen and I'm utterly horrified. Dripping down the wall in blood, was a message. A message meant for me. "Find Me!" was slashed on the wallpaper in that sentence as if by a first grader. I scream. I run upstairs and into my bedroom as fast as I can. I cower under my bed, fearing for my life more than I ever have before. All is quiet for a few minutes, and then I hear it. The footsteps. Coming up the stairs slowly, but with purpose. They reach my bedroom door and stop. It creaks open. I see two bare feet. Hers. She says "Why are you hiding under there, silly? Come out and kiss me." I'm so relieved. I crawl out from under and go to tell her what's transpires, and then I see it. Her nightgown. Covered in blood from top to bottom. She holds up her arms and I see the slices. I'm in utter shock as I see this, unable to even scream. She holds her arms out, as if for a hug, and whispers "Didn't you miss me, darling?"

I run. I run past her as far and fast as I can. Down the stairs, out the door, crying out to the night. I flag down a car and they stop and I tell them what happened. The police and ambulance arrive, check me out, and clear the house. She wasn't there. The blood wasn't there. Nothing was there. The only blood found was what got on my shirt when I ran past her.

Months after this incident, I'm still in this asylum. I'm not crazy. I'm not delusional. This diary my only outlet. But I know she wasn't finished. I was supposed to die too. But she was never found. They just assumed she left me and I went insane from grief. But that's not even close to the case. There's something unholy out for me now. You can't cheat death.

As I was writing this entry, I heard her whisper in my ear.. "Miss me, darling?"