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Robyn Jul 2015
On a Saturday morning, one unnaturally warm for the usually brisk Pacific Northwest region, a girl woke up early.
Her first thought was not of the time, 6 am. She had woken up at this hour many times before, every Saturday in fact. Nor was her first thought about the unnatural warmth of the air seeping through her window. Her first thoughts were not of her legs tangled in her blankets, of the large breakfast she wouldn't eat, or of the last remnants of her dreams.
Her first thoughts were of a boy.
As were her second.
Her third. Her fourth.
Her fifth however, was that she should probably get ready to leave.
That summer, the girl had spent every Saturday morning 3 miles up the road at a small farm owned by a family from her church. Her father, the pastor with a history of dairy farming, had encouraged church goers to head up to the farm to help pick the bushels of fruits and vegetables being grown for his churches personal food bank. The girl simply assisted him.

The boy was on her mind every other minute, as she dressed, washed, loaded her allergy medication into a bag and trekked out the door into the misty morning heat. All through the drive she was silent, wondering if he every thought about her. Her father was all but indifferent, speaking of little but weather patterns and permaculture.

The farm was large yet quaint, owned by a woman who evidently had an unfulfilled dream to become a Barbie doll. Farm animals were littered unnecessarily around the property, serving little purpose but to appear cute. The girl supposed they succeeded.

45 minutes of plucking kale leaves offered little satisfaction to the girl, her fingers shaking and *****, aching for contact with the boy who she admitted to herself had probably never given her a second thought. However, this thought was in fact her 67th consecutive such one about the boy. She was unaware of how her 79th thought about him would happen to coincide with the gentle vibration in her pocket. A small blue box with an early morning greeting would appear on her cell phone screen, making her dirt covered hands oddly still.
She was unaware that the boy was motivated to send this particular message by his 104th consecutive thought about her that morning. She was unaware that, much like her, he had thought of little else over the previous month. She was unaware that hours of conversation would lead to revelations of startlingly similar music preferences, opinions and thoughts.

She was unaware how deeply he felt for her. Yet she was all but unaware of how deeply she felt for him. She was unaware that two years from this warm Saturday morning she would be laying in bed at 1 am, rediscovering her writing talent while recounting the beginnings of a love story. Her own.
Robyn Jan 2013
Is this emptiness
This hollowness
This unappealing lowliness
I want to crawl beneath my bed
And cry myself to sleep
But the tears won't come
I can't explain this feeling
It fills me up and it's unyielding
But I still feel empty when
I think about myself and
What to do
I'm scared
I'm scared of crying
Scared of trying
Scared of it all
They're not scared
I don't know why
They seem so strong
The more I talk
The more I'm wrong
The more it seems like something
Gone
Or missing
Maybe  something added
Either way
It feels so bad
And I don't want to blink
I'm scared that wink will
Send me out there screaming
Throwing me over the edge
Are they weeping?
Will I be wept for
If I leave?
Or am I just something
People will leave?
Is this a matter of worth
Or money?
Am I a product?
And my saleswomans
Not sunny?
I want to be purchased
I want to be owned
I want to used
I want to be broken
And fixed like a clock
That refuses to tick
I want something else
Something more than this

I seek you with intentions
Of quite little worth
And it hurts but
I know that you'll make
Me quite sure
That I'm righteous and
Funny and happy and true
Enough that quite possibly
I'll be good to you
Robyn Apr 2014
The curls behind your ears
The silver in your eyes
A thousand missing tears
A thousand missing lies
The way you say my name
I'll never be the same
Robyn Mar 2015
I know how much you love me
Because I know how much you love horror movies
I HATE them
So when we're sitting on the couch
And the preview for Ouija comes on
And even though I'm scared I can't look away
I trust you
To always put your hand under my chin
And pull my face away
So I can bury it in your neck
While you watch TV
Until you kiss me under my ear
And whisper that it's all over
I know you love me
Because I know how much you love horror movies
Robyn Nov 2014
I stare at the swirling well of my fingerprint and spiral down inside of it until I'm as black as night and engulfed in the silence of space and ink where I can scream and sob and sing and ignore the tumult of ignorance and fear and bitterness that surrounds me otherwise; thick and viscous, pouring down my throat and choking me.
Robyn Jan 2013
This can't be right
My heart whispered
Love shouldn't cut my wrists
Love shouldn't break my bones
Love shouldn't clench its fists
And tell me I will always be alone
This can't be right
My heart screamed
Love is kind
Love is unconditional
Love is never wanting

**Why do I do this to myself?
Robyn Oct 2015
I want to love you better now and love you better later.
I'm trying not to hate myself because I know you hate it.
If this is how I love you, I don't think I'm meant to love.
I miss the days when you could say you fit me like a glove.

I'll never know if I'm doing this right will I?
I'll never know if You approve, so what's the ******* point?
I miss that little happiness that felt so big inside of me.
I miss those little moments, where he could just belong to me.
I'll never miss, this broken aching stinging slicing tearing soul ******* ******* pain.
Never again.

God, find me in this hour, in this infinity.
Give me the tools to be who I need to be.
Show me what to do to, to honor You.
Show me how to love him in Your name.
Give me the strength to be who I want to be.
Give me the patience to see the way I'm supposed to see.
Lord, give him happiness, even if I cannot be a part.
No matter what, he will always keep and hold my heart.
Robyn Nov 2012
In the Fall it smelled like hickory smoke and rotting leaves and maples
I would stand outside on the cold dry porch, cutting my bare feet on the staples
It reminded me of Camp David, when the fog layed on the water
I was all alone and the weather wasn't getting any hotter

In the Winter it smelled like diamonds and sugar and glacial water
I would run about in the yard, feeling my toes freeze slowly
It reminded me of Leavenworth, when I would get trapped underneath the porch
I was all alone and I carried a torch

In the Spring it smelled like candy and apple blossom trees
I would read poetry on the lawn chair, feeling it scratch my arms
It reminded me of Christ and the blood he must have spilt
I was all alone and it was becoming hell

In the Summer it smelled like fire, cotton candy and beach sand
I would lay on the porch and let myself melt
It reminded me of Roslyn where we wrote our names in charcoal on cliff faces
I was all alone because I'm a girl that someone replaces
Robyn Jan 2013
As we got closer to Seattle
The fog cleared my eyes
The lights eased the pounding in my head
And the scent of her coffee
Filled my nose
Robyn Mar 2013
It's the way he keeps talking even when I close my eyes
The way he'll invite himself over, how he tries, how he tries
They way he'll change his mind on a whim
It's why, despite logic, I seem to love him
Robyn Jan 2013
Everything is about me
I'm the star of a movie
And you're interrupting my scene
You stand there eating, eating, eating
Spitting question after question
Why do you have to know?!
Let me be, let me be
Because everything is about me
Here you come again
Coughing, coughing, coughing
I could care less what you think
You're fiddling in the kitchen sink
Shut up
I'm tired of listening to you
I want to scream
Because I'm not getting my way
And everything is about me
I wish I didn't think this way.
Robyn Jan 2013
What is a shadow?
It copies me
It follows me
It knows my every move
It sits there while I'm writing this
Arm or leg?
With me, it's smooth
It knows my every twitch
Every shift, every slide
It copies me
It follows me
Unlike me, it will not die
Robyn Nov 2012
Shame is this thing in my hand
Shame is my heart
Shame is this part if me
That I can't control
Shame is this thing in my lap
Shame are my eyes
Shame's none the wiser
Than I claim to be
And I am ashamed
I'm ashamed of me
Robyn Sep 2015
"Sometimes you treat me with disdain, other times with affection and love, both these treatments mixing in with one another until I can't tell if you're confessing love or hate for me, or confessing nothing at all and I reprimand myself for assuming that anything you do means anything, that the most likely scenario is that I am nothing to you, and then I wonder if I am missing the meaningful moments altogether and all these thoughts and hundreds of thousands of others come crashing through my head everytime you look at me and then once again when you look away, forming this huge, cacophonous, bewildering mass of everything that's happened within the last five minutes and how it relates to everything that happened five days ago and everything one friend has just whispered to me and everything my other friend has confessed and how it all fits together and it's like a puzzle but some of the pieces are invisible and others are far too big to fit and hold very little of the picture and some pieces are almost microscopic and hold the most important parts of the image and there's no picture on the box to go off of, there's not even a box, it's like I'm sitting underneath a chute that drops more pieces of the puzzle on me, sometimes huge heaps and sometime single pieces, so I wonder what I'm missing if I'm missing anything and some of the pieces are from other puzzles so I don't know which ones even matter to me at all, and this is how my head is every second of every minute of every day unbeknownst to everyone around me.

This is how you make me feel."


I'm the worst. I can't control my anger or my thirst. I'm so ******* confused, I might implode. My heart might just collapse beneath this load. No longer understand a single thing I think. Trying to drown myself in my bathroom sink. No longer recognize a single thing I say. No longer think that I can ever find a way. I'm ******* tired of treating you the way I do. Don't know how to love you how God wants me too. I don't know if my sanity I'll ever keep. I'll never know, so I'll just cry myself to sleep.
I think I'm going crazy. I don't even know what's going on in my own head. I'm sorry for the way I treated you.
She
Robyn Apr 2012
She
is not afraid of anything
not insects, crawling biting things
not mountain tops, from many fall
not heights, though very tall
not grizzly bears with claws so sharp
not steep and rocky dangerous scarps
not loneliness, although it hurts
not being stranded in dry deserts
not getting lost or feeling pain
not being stuck out in the rain
not being giving up upon
not staying awake until the dawn
not fighting or losing a good friend
not reaching her untimely end
not falling and scraping herself up
not being seen from very closeup
not losing her family or losing her phone
not living or dying completely alone
not being made out as a fool
is not afraid of anything
but you.
Robyn May 2013
I feel like I'm your shepherd
Fighting off the wolf with a staff
But you
Oh you, silly sheep
Keep following the wolf
His claw curled in summoning
His howls soft and comforting
Yet they send shivers up my spine
And my blood to boil with anger
I beat the wolf round the head
Tearing his fur
I'll make him wish he were dead
For seducing my sheep with his hungry eyes
His honey gaze
His bitter glaze
I'll rip out his fur before her gets to you, my sheep
But the sheep doesn't understand me
THE WOLF IS DANGEROUS
I scream until my throat bleeds
But still
My dearest sheep tilts her head
And saunters off into the forest
Where the wolf it waiting with wet lips
Jaw twitching in anticipation
Maybe I should let you be eaten, little sheep
I could scream all I want
Show you my dead flock
But you won't listen
Maybe I'll just let you get eaten
I'm tired of saving your life
Robyn Feb 2013
She may be broken
But she is not the victim
She may be crying
But she is not the victim
She may be battered
But she is not the victim
**A victim wouldn't terrorize
To some of you, this may sound unfair but think . . . people who result to bullying and torture are just as broken and sad as the people they hurt, that's why they hurt people. Just because someone is hurt, it doesn't mean they're the victim. They can be just as much the bully. This poem is about myself. How I can so easily picture myself as the victim in a situation, when in reality, though someone else may have done some horrible things too, I as well as that person are to blame.

It's both our faults. And it's OUR job to fix it.
Robyn Dec 2012
She tries to write
But her efforts are in vain
But now that she's written,
She will never be the same
So she will keep writing
And making us blush
Because she tries, but she's failing
She's trying to be us
Robyn Dec 2012
A cigarette between her lips
Pink like a satin rose
And from her mouth the smoke goes
Floating towards Mother Moon in ringlets
A head of hair like Marilyn
A honey headed luster
With her curls, so still and wild
Eye you like a jaguar child
A nose thin like her fingers
But long like her face
A set of eyes that dance when she doesn't
That shine beryl and jade
With lashes like her fringed boots
And ashes in her hair
She wants a different woman for you
But she still wants to be there
Robyn Mar 2014
How many ships Lord?
How many ships?
How many ships are you sending?
I want to come home
I say as tears wet my lips
Lord
How many ships?
Robyn Jan 2013
If my heart is my hat, a Jester I shall be.
Robyn Jul 2013
I don't know what to say
So I just speak
For if I squeak
I'll shrink away
Robyn Jul 2014
You're sick
And I'm sad

Sometimes I'd like the rain to end
I wish I wasn't depressed
I wish I wasn't so broken
Sometimes you'd like to stand
On you're own two feet
Sickness lingers, grasping fingers
Failing bones, painful moans

I was never one to play by the rules of the game
A cheater, a liar
But you don't care
You'd follow me to anywhere
Though I'm insane
We're so the same
Inspired by Sick and Sad by Streetlight Manifesto
Robyn Apr 2017
Just when I feel you gone -
You arrive
Just when I feel you dead -
You survive
Just when I think I'm free -
You're not far
Just when I think I'm me -
There you are
Robyn Feb 2013
7:43 AM - Period 1 - Symphonic Band
I hid behind a bank of instrument nooks, each beaten, worn and termite chewed to ruddy brown and grey colors. Doors of old supply cabinets with peeling, plastic, paper coverings squeaked in a draft that no one could find. I kept my backpack against the trumpet section, just around the corner from the door, where no one could see me. Class started eight minutes ago, but Mr. Rants was gone as usual, and our student substitute Nick, was not not here yet. I unhooked the metal clasp on my Fossil backpack, searching around in the front backpack for my gum. I popped it in my mouth and bit down. Crack! Stale.
In a side pocket I found a tube of mascara I had shoved haphazardly in due to my rush from the house this morning. I untwisted the cap and wiped the tip of the brush on the rim, looking for a reflective surface. In the cubby directly in front of me was a trumpet case and a harmon mute. A shiny harmon mute. I stared at my warped reflection in the surface and laughed at myself. I thought "Only a real musician would do her makeup using a trumpet mute." I stabbed myself in the face leaving a long streak of gooey black on my nose. "******" I whispered and licked my finger to wipe it off. I laughed again, my hand still at my face. "This is one of those significant moments" I realized. "I'm not sure why though."

2. 4:21 PM - After School  - Way Home From Orthodontist Appointment
She stroked my hand, which was flat against my leg. "Sorry honey, just because I am a little disappointed because of what happened doesn't mean that." I was silent, staring straight through the windsheild. She sighed and pulled her hand away. I fiddled with a rubberband, my legs crossed beneath me in the passenger seat. I was hurt; I thought we were done talking about this. Hadn't she forgiven me? Like it mattered. Telling her was the right thing and there's nothing more I can do. Light Gives Heat by Jars of Clay came on the radio and as I looked through the rain, repeatedly punching my window, I felt something well up inside me. The feeling that actors must get in dramatic movie scenes. Closing my eyes, I imagined I was in a movie. That it was about me, that I would win whatever I wanted in the end and that I was clever and beautiful. "This is a significant moment" I thought. "But not like this morning, not at all."
I looked over at her, she was expresionless, tapping her finger gently on the steering wheel.
"Maybe I'll post something about this on HelloPoetry later." I thought.
Robyn Jan 2013
This is a woman I do not know
If she hurts, it does not show
If she cries, she does not seem to know
That the pain will go, the pain will go
Her heart has many secrets now
The kind that she may never allow
Me to know, or me to see
But I cheated
I took a peek
I know that it was wrong to do
But sometimes sister
I want to know you
But know that no matter what I know
I love you darling
I love you so
Robyn Feb 2013
I've been sitting here too long
But I can't join the throng
My eyes begins to twitch
My back begins to itch
I've been sitting here a while
I'd move, but that's not my style
My lids begin to droop
My shoulders start to stoop
I've been sitting here forever
And it's only getting better
So
Robyn Mar 2013
So
I simply don't know
The way to go
I'd choose you if I only knew
Because you
Appear a lesser feat
And know
I'd love you so
But I don't know
Which way to go
He's beautiful
And I know
That he is wha I want
A thousand times
Or more
If I'm the sea
He is my shore
And I keep wanting more
Please know
That I so love him so
But I don't know
Which way to go
You're easier
And oh so sweet
You see
You are a lesser feat
And please believe I'd love you so
But I don't know
I am in love with him
And he does not love me
or does he?
You see
I simply do not know
It may not show
That I do not yet love you so
But please believe
That I can see
That you are what I'd best for me
And I do not know
I sincerely wish that soon
I will love you so
Robyn Jul 2013
I love you
But not everything about you
You love everything about me
But not me
Robyn Jul 2013
Everything's
Ripped paper and
Damp cheeks
I think I loved you cause
Your whole body shrieks
"I'm alone"

Everything's
Sparkly lace and
Blonde hair
Brunettes don't belong anywhere
In a world that screams sunshine but
Really means nighttime and
My time is crying to God

Is there a way
To get away
From a world that is dying to say
"You're not enough"

Everything's
Romance
****** and lust
I'd run away but
My bike's caked with rust
So I'm stuck

Everything's
Lovely ladies gone wrong
I used to be silent
Til I wrote this song
When everything's ***, drugs and money
Will God break a twenty
While everything slowly erodes

Can I be free?
Will I ever be me?
Stuck in a world that is trying to be
Someone else
I'm ******* at song writing, oddly enough. This is my attempt at a song, but I have no music.
Robyn Jul 2014
Soon there will be stars and sound
Soon there will be smiles
Soon we will tend to our aching feet
After walking all these miles
Soon I'll give you all I have
We will breathe and drink and live it
Soon I'll give you everything
And all the years to give it
Soon there will be a child
With her hands wrapped around our fingers
Soon there will be our child
My longing for her lingers
Soon we will be happy
Our love will finally free us
Soon it'll be just you and me
And the space no longer in between us
Robyn Apr 2016
There you'll be
Waiting for me
Down on your knee
There you'll be

*Yes
Robyn Jul 2014
mnyamata,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I make everything such a big deal. I'm sorry that I'm crazy and dramatic. I'm sorry that I bother you about things. I'm sorry I tease you. I'm sorry you don't like the boundaries I asked for. I'm sorry I'm such a ***** to you about it. I'm sorry I have a curfew. I'm sorry that I want it there. I'm sorry for so much, for so many things I really shouldn't be, for so many things I can't control. I'm sorry that I'm sorry. I just feel like I have so much to be sorry for. I love you. I'm sorry for that too.

ndimakukonda
Robyn Apr 2013
I'm sorry
I do not feel that way
I'm sorry
You did not know
I'm sorry
I thought I did
I'm sorry
But when I say "I have to go"
I mean
I don't feel this way, and I can't fake it anymore
You have always been such a sweet friend
And though there wasn't much to begin with
It must come to an end
I wish that I liked you, believe me I do
But I know that I can't
And I don't want to use you
So when I say "I have to go"
I mean
*I don't feel this way, and I can't fake it anymore
Robyn Nov 2012
With beating wings
I follow you
A thousand years behind
I hear your cries
Of all the lies
We've been told to beileve
And though we know
The lies they sow
We still begin to see
That there is truth in everything
From love to hate to stars to pain
We beileve we're all alone
And that there is no room for home
I follow you
And all the steps
You've had to leave behind
You wished to take them with you
But you chose to choose your mind
I wished to keep
My steps with me
And now my mind is rot
I hate myself
And all my friends
For seeking what we sought
The steps I took
I place them down
Just one at a time
To find my way back
When I have you
And you're finally mine
With beating wings
I follow you
A thousand years behind
I hear your cries
Of all the lies
That say you've lost your home
And though you know
The lies they sow
You still begin to see
That there us truth in everything
From heart to soul
To eagle's wings
In everything, from love to hate
That a thousand years behind
Is your soul mate
Robyn Jun 2014
No words. Joy. Tears. So happy for you both, she chokes. Psalm and pepper father proud to be the salt in his wound. Sparkly sparkly, she said yes, he says. Young, so young, so happy. Lifetimes to travel, wishes and kisses, footsteps they won't remember in the end, but that carried them to it. Love sweet love, how bitter you can be. Empty nest, a babies chest carried the heart that now belongs to him. Sparkly sparkly, my older baby brother so much older now he seems. She said yes . . . yes . . . yes  . . . yes.
Robyn Dec 2012
Of your tounge, and the words you speak
Of your hair, and the light that glints off it
Of your eyes, and the sun warmed memories of the sea
Of your chin, and the knife that cannot cut as sharp
Of your neck, and the swan that has snapped its own
Of your laugh, and its hue, dusty and callous
Of your hands, and the work they've yet to do
Of your heart, and the love it has yet to give
Robyn Apr 2015
I realized something tonight
I realized that there is enough space next to me for you to sleep
A perfect you - shaped space -
Where you can lay -
And wrap your arms around my waist
I'll have to sleep spread eagle then
So I don't have to think about the fact that you aren't here to fill the space beside me
I've never slept well on my back
But I'll sleep worse if I can't pretend that I don't know you're gone
Robyn Apr 2015
I've never been to a church with stained glass windows
I've never been to a church with pews
If I ever want to worship God
My church becomes my room
Robyn Jul 2013
Last night was all pen ink
And faded playing cards
You squeezed my shaking fingers
All it was, was time apart

The next morning was all waiting
Not knowing if you were there
You walked in when I was reading
I just sat, and let you stare
Robyn Dec 2012
Just knowing
The stars are glowing
And you're out there in the glare
That you're thinking
And I'm shrinking
Cause you're not thinking about me
Robyn Feb 2013
I remember
When I use to sneak outside at night
Wrapped in a jacket
With and iPod and a chair
I'd sit on the deck for hours
Singing
Waiting
Singing
Shivering
Until I felt the tears come
And I would cry until I nearly suffocated
Surprised at how long I could hold my breath
I cried so hard
I bit the steel back of the chair
To keep myself from screaming
Until I felt my fears retreating
And I slid open the door
And went to bed
To cry no more
Robyn Jun 2014
Raining on the black parade, golden kingdom gone. Necklaces hang like corpses at her throat, your corpse a ring on her finger. Too many words. Joy, yet suffering. Tears. So many tears.  Salt and pepper father worries about her, alone in her room. She's crying, he guesses. I'm not crying, she sobs. Someone else is. They're just using my eyes. Please only be sleep he needs, please only be sleep he needs. Exhaustion, sickness, sick of being exhausted of the pain. A happy house across town with lights and crying. Two years, four years, ten years. She can't wait any longer. A lifetime beginning, while she sits like the statue she used to be, face a fountain, pondering the lifetime he has left. Love sweet love, why do you have to be so bitter. She begs him stay . . . stay . . . stay.
Robyn Jan 2013
A girl with a big broken family
A boy with a big broken heart
Once they are thrown together
They can never be torn apart
Robyn Nov 2012
I don't know why I love you at all
I might as well be in love with a wall
You're so stubborn my love
But its hard to ignore you
You're too stubborn
But I simply adore you
Robyn Jan 2015
It's million little things
A million little kisses
A million little wishes
A million little smiles
A million little whiles
A million little music notes
A million little laughs
A million little things that make me happy
But only one to make me sad
Robyn May 2014
I've seemed to stop caring
What I'm wearing
Which you know I never do
I'm suddenly wary
Of the suddenly scary
I can't stop worrying about you
Robyn Dec 2012
I find myself a worthy adversary
Though bruises wear my face
I find myself a challenge
A challenge, not a race
I have put up a **** good fight
And still I strive to win
But against myself, win I cannot
Suicide's an ironic sin
Robyn Feb 2013
It wafts up from the South
Where it sleeps, eternally huffing
Thick and red like a ****** steak
February yearns to be over
The lazy month, cold and short
It can't wait to be done
So it begs the Summer to come
And it does
Swirling in flaming patterns past the coast
It breaks the knots in my hair
And whispers in my ear
Telling me where what I yearn for is hidding
Goading me to jump
Forcing me to fall
The Summer whispers secrets in my ears
And I answer its call
Robyn Sep 2016
One day
It'll just be Sunday morning pancakes
Church with our friends
Cleaning the house with the windows open
Music shaking the rafters in our ceiling
We'll make dinner together
You'll kiss me til your lips are raw
And we'll laugh until we cry and make love until bed

One day
It'll just be Monday morning coffee
We'll stay in bed just a little longer
Crack the window to smell the rain
I'll make your lunch and kiss you a million times goodbye
Off to school I'll go, little preschool voices, little fingers wave "Hi"
Dinner will be waiting for you
Plate warm, warm welcome
We'll eat and laugh and make love

One day
It'll just be Wednesday evenings together
Doing homework, working late
Your eyes droopy, smile goofy
Giggling sleep away
Falling asleep at your desk
I drag you to bed
And stroke away the day with my fingertips

One day
It'll just be Friday night with us
We'll get Mongolian, we'll see a movie
You smile at me when the lights go down
And squeeze my hand tighter
Popcorn fingers
Sneaking little kisses in the dark
And you make love to me when we get home

One day
It'll just be Saturday mornings, slow
Sleep in late, wake up happy
While we try and get some work done
In between calculator buttons and pencil strokes
You ****** me, again and again
And our work gets postponed over and over
One person
One marriage
One life
One day

It'll just be Sunday morning pancakes
Forever
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