I've noticed most kids date their entries
I'm not
I refuse to keep tract of which day
******* hits the fan
Like freight trains on a one way collision course
With biochemical waste
By the way the names Joshua

Just yesterday my dad called me queer
That I'm no longer his son
Just because I'm gay
He doesn't understand
I was born this way
And listening to Lady Gaga's song doesn't really help
It just ****** him off
And leaves me in the corner of my room
Crying because nobody understands me
Every gay person at school is in the closet
Afraid of the criticism
Afraid of run ins with the jocks

Diary I kissed a guy today
We were alone in the gym bathroom
He eyeballed me down
It was after P.E
We were taking showers and he kissed me
I wanted so much more
But we knew that was unlikely
We scheduled a date later on in the week
I think things might be turning around for me

I was wrong
I WAS SO ******* WRONG
HE PLAYED ME
I WAS JUST A PAWN IN HIS STUPID GAME
HIM AND HIS FRIENDS
HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND A BABY
THEY BET HIM $40 JUST TO DO IT
That ******* ******* will get it

So when I calmed down yesterday
I thought of all the ways I could get back at them
ALL OF THEM
The jocks, the cheerleaders, the whole school body
And I figured it out
There is a farm by my house
Maybe a mile down the road
I can **** a goat
Take the blood and write each and every one of their names
On the gym floor
They all think I'm satanic already
So I figured I throw in some Latin
Make a pentagram and slit my wrist
That should scare the hell out of them
I'll watch from my special place in hell for this

So I'm almost done with all my work
I don't know how I'll get rid of you diary
You have a gothic look to you
So if they see you
They'll think its some satanic book
Well goodbye diary
You're the only one thing that understood and listened to me
I wonder why that is
I guess I'll never know

I kissed your best friend
Loved her like I would love you
She called my name like you do
She dug her nails in my back
Like I was a scratch pad
She did all the things you did
I don't know how she knew
All she did was whisper in my ear
The very sentence you screamed every night
I'm sorry I know you'd **** me if you ever found out
But I'm not going to run away with my tail tucked
I ****** your best friend like it was the end of the world
Like the sky was falling
Like I would make love to you
Still it was you I came to
Your face I saw as it all happened
No excuses I deserve whatever is coming
But if you only knew
Your best friend was always your reflection
Your shoulder to lean on
You'd always run into the bathroom after a fight
Talk to yourself for hours
Tell me you hated me
But rushed out before the words even pierced the door
Kissed me like it was forever ago before you had them
I'd never love anybody but you
And I'm glad I traced you on my mirror so you'll never disappear

I saw today become tomorrow
While tomorrow became yesterday
And my watch hasn't moved a hand
Both still gripping the steering wheel
Waiting for the red light to turn green
And leave this ghost town day
In the dust of next week

I hold you close
Your lips meeting mine
My body warming yours
Giving the moment a boost

Your skin smooth and soft
As my hands
Reach every inch
Gripping you and pulling you closer

We make love under the stars
The moon whispering a song
Making the thrill even better
As your moans grow louder

You finally surrender
Knowing too well we want the same
My lips embracing every inch
Of beauty your body contains

Chills run down your spine
As i pull you even closer
Going deeper into the moment
As i whisper in your ear...I love you

It must seem startling
Almost petrifying
Knowing the one man
Willing to sacrifice it all for you
Is two inches of his **** deep
In some pretty little town *****
Mocking the vows he made you
As he wears his sins
Like a badge of honor
****** sashes
Instagram post of them all
Blocking you from facebook
Changing passwords and hiding behind closed doors
Running from himself
More than shying away from you
Disgracing you with all 26 women
And you know them by name
Their your best friends
Colleagues and co-workers
Your 27 and still only one question lingers
For all the times he ****** you
He made love to another woman too
So how much does he love you
When I bleed when you can't cry?

Everything I ever owned
Bound to pages never published
Sealed beneath flesh only wanting to peel
Off bones too heavy with the burdens
I'll leave it all to the sands of time
Let the wind carry it all away
Let the salty beaches nibble at the edges
All I ever was, was a book waiting to be wrote
My will
My last decree
The ending to a story
Finally writing The End
On the last breath of this life
Was the biggest achievement in my life
So bury my memory in your hearts
It will someday fade
Destined to be another light breeze
Everything I am
Everything I was
Leave it to be the way it was meant to end

For a kid with the name Aledro things get difficult
I'm a bully at my high school
I don't play any sports
Even though the coaches want me
I'm 6'3" and 246 lbs
I lift 500lbs with no problem
But instead I pick on kids like grape vines
I don't mean to be mean
I'm just trying to take out my own emotions
Show somebody that I have feelings too
Yet when nobody listens I turn violent
I've gave some kid a wedgey so bad
His ******* ripped
I almost drowned some kid in the toilet
Broke a kids nose
I wish I could take it all back
Tell them I'm sorry
But they ended up killing themselves

17 years old I could go to jail
Honestly I wish the cops would take me now
I'm a murderer not just a bully
I made somebody else's life worst
When I tried making mine better
Guess I'm a failure
Needing more than pills and a counselor
I wonder how long my name will last in these pages
I doubt it everyday a murderer writes his name in here

Not much else to say
I wrote a letter to my mom, my dad, the principle, and the parents
Of all those kids I bullied
The very ones that died
Even wrote letters to all the kids I still bullied
It wasn't long
Just an apology and saying what I've done
Also where they could find my body
When it drifts back to shore
After these pills, this blade, and this gun
Drift me off to that special place in hell
I know the devil kept warm for me

It sits there residing
Silently growing harder to ignore
The delicate decisions of my future
Should I continue working
Hours too long to count
Forgotten before they even began
Or rather an education
Degree built just for me
Which trade to begin
Journalism
Art
Gaming
Driving
Construction
Decisions decisions
Made never so easily
When your head is constantly itching
It's a merry-go-round
Chasing an itches shadow
But hey look at me
Money in my pocket
Probably no future
So why does she continue loving me
A has been poet
A wanna be artist
A not so good gamer
Accident prone driver
Failing painter
All I've ever done in life
Skate by with what I had
Never looking at what I could have
Yet this itch in the back of my head
Hazes my future
With questions causing ****** charges
As they stab me in the back
Closer and closer
Seclusion encompasses me
Overpowering burdens of juggling life
Why the **** didn't it come with a manual
But itches are itches
Not all remedies work
So I guess I'll do what works

The one thing I wish to do
Is burden myself
With the pain of others
Rid this wretched world of it
Letting it die with me
Just a dream I guess
Something I thought
As I watched
The pain grow
And graves being dug
Something I thought
As I read another poets poem
Just a dream I guess
Yet I don't want it to be a dream
But a reality
I wish to someday come true

This list gets long
Everything I am not
Listed below
I'm not your world
I'm not your heart
I'm not your soul
I'm not your perfect little demon
I'm not your the man you need
I'm not your the best decision you can make
I'm not your altar
I'm not your reason to smile
I'm not your reason to laugh
I'm not your dream man
I'm not your pillow
I'm not your kleenex tissue
I'm not your castle walls
I'm not your safety vault
I'm not your cushioned landing pad
I'm not your 911 operator
I'm not your saviour
I'm not going to make this any longer
You get the point
I'm not your anything anymore
That's basically everything I am not
Everything I am though is a different story
I'm hers
And her name alone sends chills down my spine
As it rolls off my tongue
Sadly she is not mine...yet
One day though
I will make her happier than any one has ever dreamed
Happier than she could possibly imagine
I will show her the true meaning of love
Even though my heart feels dead
But only when I'm not talking to her
<3

This is the only thing came to mind
I wanted to capture your essence
But my system is flawed
I can't hold you
You're too far away
I can't kiss you
You're hiding the smile
That always beckoned me too
I guess the only thing that really matters
Is that you're on my mind
In my dreams that seem not to come
Daydreaming is the only way I can be with you
I love you
I hope you like this
Maybe one day we'll be happy together

It should be a crime to be me
This life a wasted effort in improving all others
An artificial defiance to the heavens
People so hopelessly look up to
Pray and waste there breathe believing
This life is synthetic
Pure and simple
But these emotions are raw and true

Help her
Save her
Someone hear her
Shes begging
Shes on her knees hoping
For someone to set her free

Shes drowning in fear
Not sure if she will survive
He told her so many lies
That her heart now dies
Slowly with every step
He takes as he walks out the door

Help him
Save him
Somebody hear him
Hes begging
Hes on his knees crying
Because no one love him

Hes always searching for something
Turning up lost
Only found when he opens up his eyes
Hes terrified of each step
Wanting to live
Knowing he will die in due time

Help them
Save them
Somebody hear them
Thier begging
Thier on thier knees praying
For a life perfect for them

They are miles apart
Knife close to thier wrist
Nuse happily around thier necks
Bottle already empty
If only they knew each other
They could of lived that perfect life
Loving each other while being free
But together unknowingly they die

why do people like me
why do they act like thier my friends
is it due to my poetry
is it my hatred towards life
is it the fact that i hide my emotions

why does life flourish
why is peace seekable
is it due to a lost adventure
is it due to the fact that we hide the truth
is it the love for humnity

why do people question me
why do the act like im important
is it due to the fact that im a failure
is because i speak my mind
is it the philosophies i acknowledge

answer these questions
somebody please
tell me lies or the truth
it doesnt matter cause im losing the grip on life
love doesnt matter to me

koti thank you for the comments
kevan thanks for the advice
all poets of time
thank you for being my inspiration
but time has it flaws
and people have thier end
my lost sanity
brought on this poem

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you
No breath left inside of me
Even as you walk away
I sulk in pools
Of my distress

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to kiss you
No breath left inside me
So tell me what I have to do
Just for you
To be mine once more

I don't want to live
If I cant awake in your arms
Or tell you I love you
I just can't see myself
Without you in the picture
Because you were the best thing I ever had

I don't want to breathe
If I can't breathe the same air as you
Or take your breath away
I just won't be the same
Without seeing the look in your eyes
Everytime I walked into the room

Please don't leave me yet
Don't move on
Atleast not until I have said goodbye
And thats the hardest thing I can do
I don't want to let you
I'm still in love with you

I have failed in the past
I have pushed you away
I hurt you
When I said I never would
Sorry just doesnt cut it anymore
And I can't live with this pain I have caused

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you
No breath left inside of me
Ever since the day I failed you
Told you I was the man you wanted
But I was too broken

Can you forgive me for the pain
Will you take me back
Im sorry
Here is my heart
All the ****** and rusty pieces
Just please dont let me go

I lost you already
I know that
But can't you just speak to me
I never see you smile anymore
I never hear your voice anymore
Is this punishment

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you
No breath left inside of me
But I know I dont deserve it anyways
I just want to give us
Atleast one more chance

Promise me you will never leave
Promise me goodbye
Will never be a thought
On such tender lips as yours
Promise me goodbye
Will never be a part of our vocabulary
I never want to say goodbye
I only want to say
"I'll catch you later"
Or "I'll talk to you later"
I want to be sure
LATER is the only option
My love
Promise the moment will never come
When you say goodbye
I couldn't take the heartbreak
I'm afraid to say it
So I'll talk to you...Later
Because I will never leave
I love you

I've set myself of the highway to success
Got caught in the traffic
Decided to walk
Got bored so I ran
That's where I went wrong
I've always had plans for myself
Sometimes they were big
Other times they were just a nuisance idea
That ricocheted in and out of my mind
I had my moments of fame
Now I'm just a has-been
Sitting at the computer
Reading the work I wish I could enjoy one more time
Drinking whiskey to hide the tears
I came to terms that I'll never be anything
I'll just be the kid with a talent that came and went
Always remembering the moments of fame
I never truly had
I'll never have back
What else to do
When everything I do
Is just like when I write poetry
Bleak and useless

Dancing and taunting me
With evil grins under oak trees and pines
Calling unto me to finish the war
Show no mercy to these wrist
Show no mercy to these intestines
As razor blades and bottles
Disposed of quite quickly
One cut two cut
Three bottle four
All gone
I'm drunk
I'm bleeding
Oh well
Maybe tomorrow will never come
Kiss the sun for me
Say goodnight to the moon
For the later nights of the distant future
The shadows of the night
Beg me to join them
To fill and quench their thirst
With rivers of blood
Underneath this moons
Vacant shadow arrayed light
I'm sorry but I must finish what I started
This war will have to come to an end
And with five cut six cut
Seven bottle eight bottle
It is over...

Just yesterday we were laughing
You were smiling
Happily in my arms
As we told each other
How deep we were in love

What the hell happened
To those days
Because it all felt like yesterday
But this morning
The world crumbled
Under a single breath

What the hell happened
To wanting an us
To knowing and understanding
The pain we have
And miserable past we had
But just for another day
I would like those days back

These arms of stones
Castle walls built strong
This chest of a hollow heart
Feathered pillows sewn for comfort
All this I promised you
Sakota
I don't expect you to reciprocate
These feelings of affection
Just know this simple thing
Any which way you desire
I'm here for you

I have been debating on a name
Worthy of your existence
A reflection on your sweet youth
But I fear every name that comes to mind
Would only degrade how beautiful you are
I may not ever be the father
Every child wishes they had
I might not even get the chance to be your father
But know that I loved you
Long before you were conceived
I loved you first
You will always be the angel
I wish I had the privilege of holding first
I wish I could watch as tears fell from your mothers eyes
I wish I could have been the father you deserved
But I wrote several letters to you
And not once have the words
Ever came out clear
To tell you in such a short message
That I love you
I still don't know your name
But one day I hope I get to know it
Watch you blossom from womb to woman
Every flower had it's beginning
I'm glad you started with a poem
Maybe one day I'll be the man
Walking you down the aisle
Taking you to your dance recitals
Or whatever it may be you're into when you're older
I just hope you don't become a poet like me
I'd like for you to make your mark on history
A hell of a lot more memorable than mine

                                                 Sincerely,  Your "one day" Father,
                                                         ­            Robert Guerrero

It took six hours to finish
The details are hard to get
Shading was a ***** as always
Yet I managed to draw you a poem
Every time the pencil touched
More words were needed
I just wish you could see it
Maybe then you'll see
How much I truly love you

So why in the hell can't I ******* cry once?

The only tears I want to wipe away
Is my own
But they don't come without a price
I have lost so much already
Nothing really phases me
I could watch the world crumble
No remorse
I could strip life from innocence
And no tears shall fall
Is it because I have become oblivious
To what I have become
Due to the lust I have felt
Of not feeling anymore pain
Or is it the lust for a tear to fall
From desert eyes
I just need one
Whether it be blood
Or acid
One tear to fall from my vacant depressed eyes
Will make it easier for me to cope
With these bottled emotions
Because I can't throw them into the sea
I will be the only thing to drown

The undeniable truth
Is that I feel I'm the only one
In this questionable relationship
Really trying to make something work
I've been more heartache
So any excuse that you've been hurt
Wont affect me
I've been used just for ***
Played with and dragged along
Rag doll to her pretty little fingertips
The truth is I dont see us together
Much longer if we're together now
Ever if we're not
I see me getting hurt again
Being used and mislead
I see me just getting snagged
In your trap you call eyes
Its only me in this
I dont know about you
But I learned to dance with another person
Or ever danced at all when I was alone
The truth, you wanted it
Me and you would be pointless
You doubted me to begin with
I doubted myself then
Here I go again
Doing it all over
Just on repeat
Because I'm too scared to tell you myself
But what's to stop me from
Telling everyone here
The truth **** it
Is that I'm madly in love with you
States away and I'm trying
The fears and realizations
Factors and data
Spreadsheets and diagrams
How the hell am I supposed to believe it
That I'm losing the only ******* thing
That's ever meant something to me
I can't take this
Scars are reopening
Liver is getting abused
Lungs suffocating
I dont know what to do
I dont know how to react
What the **** is the point of trying
When everything seems to just fail
I am insane
I am ******* crazy
But **** it I dont need a reminder
I draw pictures for you
You haunt my mental state all hours of the day
Yet I dont want to be the one to only say
Good morning
Goodnight sweet dreams
I love you
I'll just go back to talking to myself
Ridding myself of all these emotions
Become a shell that doesn't give a ****
The truth my love
Is that everything seems pointless
And you can't put it in perspective
For me to understand
I try telling you
What's wrong with me
Why I'm so short with you
Why I'm distant for no apparent reason
This is why
Its all to no avail
But of course you'll never care
You'll never change
I'm the zero in your equation
Completely redundant and pointless
All I wanted was a life with you
A future that I could be proud of
Where you wont feel fear
Only know love and compassion
But now I see if all fading
That's expected when its only one person
Holding hands with his shadow
Just to find love that he shows

Look at your phone
Three to four times
Hoping for a text
A single call
Perhaps a notification
People you love or know
Forgetting you exist
Emotions of paper
Just the same old *******
You felt two days ago
Its all repetitive
Everything I know
Its deja vu
I wrote poems
To forget myself
So the world would remember
Who I was
But the world changes
I'm a lonely record
Broken, stuck on repeat
My life seems to be the captured image
Of broken glass
There is no fixing
Maybe I really am
Just losing who I am
When words fail
To escape me
And I can no longer
Explain how I feel
I'm truly lost
Because its all so repetitive

I want to kiss the heavens
I want to know what it's like to be pure
I want to feel the tender lips
Of a midnight embrace
I want to feel a sense of sanctuary
But when I open my eyes to this reality
Nothing left is pure
Everything tainted with the rattling of imprisoning chains
I want to kiss the heavens
Lay down in a bed of rose pedal tears
Just fade away
Slip deep into my fantasy
Lock myself away
Hide from this daunting misery
No longer being victimized by the memories
The all too real nightmares
I want to kiss the heavens
I want to know what it's like to be pure
Before it's too late

Oh yeah I forgot
You don't have a voicemail
Only way you'll talk to me
Is if I text you and wait almost 6 hours
Just for a reply to say hi
Well I wanted to see how things were going
Like *** it's fabulous on my end
Understand the sarcasm and annoyance
In the tone of my voice
You stupid *******
I'll leave a message on your face
When my nuts are covering it
After I get done beating the **** out of you
You're suppose to be the person I can talk to
Yet you're always frowning
I'll leave a message at the...
Oh **** I'm calling myself

Heard an old blues band out front
Walking down the banks of the Mississippi
Made me think of you
"I lost my baby"
The old guitar playing its final tunes
"In fields of clovers"
I can see you now dancing
"Where did she go"
Happily smiling never wanting to stop twirling
"In the arms of another"
Gone. Ripped from a heart
To stubborn to admit its missing a beat
The old guitar stops
Old man looks out on the water
Whispers
"Made me think of you"
His last song was about a woman
Loved and lost
Because she didn't know her heart was true
He waited
59 years
Never came
Same song
Same guitar
Never tuned
Never good
But he waited at the same old bar
Hoping for one chance
To just say goodbye

This young lady
I have no recollection of her name
So let's just call her Mystery Girl
She's having fun
Playing with my heart
Opening it up and reading it like a book
Seriously she's been reading nonstop
I think she's slightly insane
Has to be by now
Reading every poem from my heart
Anytime now I might have to start charging a fee
For every poem she reads
Lol
Thank you Mystery Girl
Hope you've had your fill
Come back again
When your hungry for something to do

From lips to neck
Neck to shoulders
Your body my lips caress
Nails dug into my back
Trying to bring me closer
Legs bare and running
Up down wrapped around me
My hands only managing to tame them
Your sighs of yearning
Growing louder
With every motion my body makes
Every notion of *** in the air
But here we are still dressed
We're only teasing
Slip of tongue
Pants are gone
******* soon following
My shirt torn
Fighting cloth only making our desires
So much more real
Cradle my kisses
Theyll be the reason your back arches
The reason you lay half naked
Begging for my **** to stop licking your ****
And penetrate you with full intent
Of making you moan
You know the deeper I go
The more times over you lose your virginity
Faster I go the more you tear
This is love making at its finest
Are you sure
You really want to cradle these kisses
Bc they be the reason we never leave this bed

I stand here in the cold
Over your grave
With a dozen roses
Today is your birthday
The saddest day of them all
Because two years ago
You called me
You were crying
Saying you couldnt handle it
Your boyfriend left you
Told you how worthless you were
Saying you were just a game
You said you loved him
You couldnt believe he said that
You said you were going to end it
I started to cry
You were the only person
That knew my life
Knew my soul
You just didnt see the truth
That I really love you
You were always blind when it came to love
It was your 15 birthday
You grabbed the gun
And I heard you blow your brains
All over the walls
I called your name
You didnt answer
I rushed to your house
Had to break the window
I skipped every other step
Broke your door down
And there you were
Laying on your bed
Blood covered blankets
Gun still in your hand
Hole in your head
I broke down and cried
Cops arrived
They asked me what happened
I told them everything
I saw the note on your night stand
I picked it up
It was folded nice and neatly
I opened it and it smelled like you
I read it
It said you love me
That you were sorry
You signed it with a kiss
Now here over your grave
I hold that note in my free hand
It still smells like you
Your lipstick has faded
But I read it every night
I remember that day
I have the same gun
That you killed yourself with
And now I realize life really aint worth living
If I cant talk to you and tell you of the day
So here on your birthday
Over your grave
I end my life
Hoping to see you one last time
Over on the other side

I know every time you look at me
You see a little of yourself
You see the strength in these eyes
The horrors I was born ready for
I'm only this strong because of you
You raised me to be tough
To never underestimate my own capability
You see the sands of time
Age me into a better version of you
As you grow older
You grow prouder
Knowing your youngest is doing great
Even though I'm struggling
I don't let it stop me
You keep your hands folded
Never offering a hand
Always teaching me life is a lesson
I love you Pops
Even when we're too much alike
And our anger gets in the way of it all

Clear skies
Clear water
Staring off into the distance
At the point where they meet

Such a beautiful sight
But you still can hear
The current calling you
Violently wanting to drown you

Even the most beautiful things
Hold the greatest evil
Even hear on the shore
I'm not safe, only mesmerized

Clear skies
Clear water
All seen with a clear mind
No longer clouded by my emotions

I procrastinate, I'm aware of that
I plan everything for tomorrow
Just in case tomorrow comes
You're fighting it
Hoping it doesn't come
I don't know about you
But I like to have something to do
I'm not sure if I have tomorrow
But I'm trading yesterday's agenda
For tomorrow's unknown future
I have tomorrow
So I'll plan for it
Just in case it decides to show up

A hollow chest
A hollow mind
Where your name echoes
A hollow sense of being

In the end
I would rather
Face the world
Go out in a blaze of glory

Im not afraid to die
Im not afraid to say goodbye
To all those who helped
To make me hollow

A hollow chest
A hollow mind
Where your whispers shatter walls
Built so thick and tall

In the end
I will still be nothing
A nobody that barely survived
Forgotten so easily

Here in this world
Im not afraid to die
Im not afraid to say goodbye
To all of you and fade away

Have you ever
Thought your life
Was like a Shakespeare tragedy
Or one epic fantasy

Like the love you have
And trust you gave
Was all for nothing
When it couldn't be given back

Like the voices you hear
Or all the fear
Push you closer to the edge
Making you wanna jump off the ledge

This life I live
Is another Shakespeare tragedy
One ****** fantasy
When I failed millions of times over

Your moans turn concrete to paper
These walls no longer sustains them
They only grow louder
Your thighs placed tightly together
As if to hide something from me
The bandit of unknown treasures
Shhh..keep quiet
Keep very still
I think your looking for this rabbit
To jump into bed with you
Honey, jackrabbits' ****
Like me and you on Sunday morning
I'll take you to church
Between these silk sheets
Make you sin ten thousand ways
So every syllable of the lords name
Wont be used in vain
You can feel it
The grip of my hands
Tracing a canvas of innocence
With outlines of chaos
Let go, taste freedom
The freedom of *******
And sweaty moans knocking
On paper walls
Shhhh they'll hear us
I can't control it
My lips ever so softly
Trying to find the best part of your body
From lips to neck
Shoulders, chest, and stomach
Hips, thighs, and retreat
Clothes no longer an issue
Im free to lick wherever I please
****** to bellybutton
Perhaps a little lower
Im sorry I'm such a tease
Maybe I'll just satisfy you now
I tug at your hair
A quick little play of it on the back of your neck
A smack on your ***
As we pretend we're animals for the night
Dogs or horses
Either way I'll teach you
How a real man
Pleases the woman he loves

I offer it to you
For it is all I have left
I know its a wasteland
But within your hands
It holds potential

I have brutally murdered
All those I loved within it
Sacrificed everything
Just to be with you
Hoping you would take it

So as I stand here
In the cold pouring rain
Offering this wretched wasteland to you
Will you honor me
And make it an angel kissed wasteland

Please I beg of you
I ask only this
I know you cry everyday
I know you feel pain
So allow me to take it away

Allow me to love you
The way you have deserved for so long
Allow me to love you
The way you have waited for
Just give me a chance

I know you are reading this
I don't plan on hurting you
But if it comes to bad times
I would rather have them with you
Than any other person

I love you so much
I hope you will consider
To make my barren wasteland of a heart
An angel kissed wasteland
So we both may find happiness in each other

Under these stars
That dance in your eyes
Under the full moon
While it whispers a sensual lullaby
Let's make love

Not caring if the owls
Wish to spread the word
Or if the wolves howl
Echoes from the mountains
Let's make love

Express out eternal emotions
Let the adrenaline
And the closeness
Bring forward a torrent of passion
Let's make love

I want to hear your heartbeat
Wake up to your smile
Know that neither one of us is going anywhere
It's the dim lights of morning
That make me see how truly aspiring you are
How beautiful you are
I know what I want
I want the sweet sound of bacon
Sizzling on the stove
Coffee on the ***
Filling the whole house with good morning beautiful
Breakfast in bed on the days we both don't have to work
Dinner already ready
Late nights buffets of each others company
I know I want you in my bed
Every night just to cuddle
The sound of little feet
Pit-patting up the stairs
The not so sneaky laughter
Of our beautiful children
Ready to pounce on us
I know what I want
I'm ready for every possible scare
I'm prepared for the hours of labor
The screaming and superhuman strength
The cries of our newborn
The late night bottle feedings
The up and at em diaper changes
The racing around Walmart
Chasing after the little ****
The laughter we'll both share
When we realize we forgot the diaper bag
The oh **** feeling when I know I ****** up
Forgot to grab a gallon of milk
The U-turns I'll make just to make you happy
I know what I want
The masquerading of feelings
At least on the day I pop the question
I know I want this
The life of a father
The life as your love
Your best friend
Everything you want me to be
I know I want it
Especially just being yours
I want it all
Every waking minute of knowing I love you
Every sleeping second knowing your next to me
I might not be made of money
I might not be perfect
I may be half a man with these scars
But with you by my side
I know I'll be more than your man
I know what I want
I want you to call me your teddy bear
No awkward name like snugglewuggle
Call me insane when I write poems
Trying to capture how much I love you
I want those kisses when I get home
Throw the keys on the table
Grab you and hold you just for the hell of it
Pick you up and start dancing
Just so I can hear your laugh
I want to call you from work
Just to see how your day is going
Get you to laugh if its been bad
Make you smile bigger if been good
Show up at your work
To bring you lunch
Even if you already have one
Take you on dates even when we're together
I want to keep the passion between us alive
You know what
I know what I really honestly want
That's a lifetime with you

Another sip
Another ****
Fading into the haze
Of my own self destruction
You act as if I'm human
That I can be hurt
That I'm not willing to suffer
Just for your own entertainment
I'll pave my own path to my early demise
Dont think you can help
I'm miles ahead of you
You're only just beginning
Polishing the fingernails of deaths hand
I've felt them
While I fade into my eternal oblivion
Another bottle down
Another cigarette smoked
Maybe I'll continue
Driving this dead end road
At 90 miles per hour
Fading once again
Back into the man I used to be
The man I'm always meant to be
Now I'm wondering
Was the psychic right
Will I ever see my 31st birthday

I can't be that drunk
I'm walking in circles
Chasing shadows in the fog
Cold asphalt nipping at numb toes
Where are you!?
**** it answer me
But who's to answer
When it's nobody I'm looking for
She's gone and so are you
Just shadows in the fog of my abyssal heart
Numbness spreading like a virus
From toes to mouth
No longer able to walk
Just mumbling mumbo jumbo
What the **** happened to me
I used to be a human
Capable of writing every emotion I felt
Acknowledged those of others
Now I'm getting drunk
Playing hide and go seek with imaginary shadows in the fog
This isnt me
This isn't you
It's like an echo
I no longer know if its mocking me
Or just agreeing with it
One step closer
Maybe I'll find a face I recognize here
Sirens blare
Noise complaint
I'm resisting arrest
Screaming you have to find it
Puzzled faces plastered on the officers
Flashlights and barks
They think I'm talking about you
They think you're still alive
We both know where you are
I'm just too drunk to recall
If I was the murderer or the victim
Did I sacrifice you to be a god
Was it me I fed to those heathens
Where are you!?
When I need you most
When you're all that I want
When everything is falling apart
You could help me hold up a dam
I don't need to be flooded by these emotions
I'm scared I'll never wake
Just lost to the endlessness of it all
It's too much for me to take it
Where are you!?
It's getting dark
Please hurry
This fog is too thick
I'm sorry
I failed you
As the cops haul me away
I know I'll never find you
I'll never know where you went
But at least I got to see the outline of what you used to be

Every tear is like a bullet
Piercing through my chest
Spiritual shadows putting holes
Where you once laid your head
The river of mascara and eyeliner
That stains your pillows
Matches the blood the floods
My once white shirt
Baby please stop crying
I still love you
Yet I know those tears aren't for me
Nor are they the keys I gave you
To the gates of my heart
They're the tears I can't wipe away

I wasn't meant to be alive
I'm a ******* failure
The day my life deserved to end
Was three months before I was conceived
The day I was thought up
Ever since that day
One of these ******* gods
Needs to answer my prayer
******* End My Life Now!

I need to let it go
But how can I
It MADE me who I am
Its the past
Its my past
But I wont let it ruin my future

It ruined my present already
Why did it happen to me
What did I do to deserve this
Its the past
Sadly it cant be forgotten
I will never forgive

Its my life
Its the past
My unholy past
My unforgiving past
Its the past
And i dont want to remember anymore

Clear my memory
Just end my life
This past is haunting
Like the demons in my dreams
Someone help me let go of the past
Because i wont be able to let go

It made me
It kept me alive
Its the past
That saved me
That ruined me
The part of me you will never know

Started with a fight
Forgot about what
I only remember screaming
Fingers scratching at my head
Clawing trying to find them
Growing louder with every pull
My hair thinning quicker
Its happening all over again
I'm fading into another episode
The demons pleading to show their faces
I'm chasing the needle once more
Begging for that high
Praying for the pilot to turn the motors
I want a piece of it again
Taste the sky on my lips
Run the milky way on my fingertips
Its happening all over again
I'm losing who I am
Stranger in my mirror
What have I become
Eyes sinking in
Playing xylophone on my ribs
I'm moving but standing still
Lost touch with my dear friend reality
Are you a dragon or a tree
Could you be a clown or my boss
Do you wish to eat me or kiss me
I can feel it crawling under my skin
The high growing stronger
The looser this band gets
Candles burning stirring my thirst
Veins twitching prisoners to my own body
Tortured by these invisible beings
Its an invasion
Dropping corpses in every pulse
Instinct to run gone
I'm alone in this world
Maybe another 15CCs
Will bring me home to my wife and kids

Why I love the moon
Why the eerie lullaby
Lures me to sleep
Why I am terrified of my dreams
The hollow glares of ruby eyes
Carved into my very eyelids
Why am I so afraid of me
These hands of desolate crimes
Blood stained from her tears
I wonder...
Why I am the villain in this
No happy ending fairy tale
Why don't I get a happy ending
I wonder...
Will you cleanse my soul
If I lived life on my knees
Clasped my hands together
Every night at my bedside
Giving you a round of applause
As I talk to you
As if you exist
Begging with you
Pleading for a perfect ending
I wonder...
What do I have to do
For a happily ever after

I didn't cut myself
I'm just fine
It's just a scratch
Oh the red stuff
That's just ketchup
I was eating a hamburger

You walked away
Bad decision
You didn't look in my other hand

Everything I just told you is *******
I'm carving "Help me"
Into these ancient veins
I'm not mining for gold
I'm mining for iron
A little bit of nickle
I just didn't want you to worry
I'll wake up in the morning

I think?