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Oct 2016 · 965
fruit snacks
calion Oct 2016
looking back, you never wanted me.
you said you wanted a good democrat to take home to mama.
you wanted a trophy.

i sped all the way to campus.
i'm sure i went over the speed limit.
you couldn't wait one more hour.

i wouldn't say yes.
we had a date, but i couldn't say yes.
you need the answer, don't you?

i have never let another see me naked.
others have taken my clothes, but you took my shield.
i trusted you with my vulnerability.

in the afterglow, i wrapped my arms around you, a hand on your chest.
you made big promises and big plans that we both know you couldn't keep.
i trusted you and told you i'd see you after work.

you said you were so tired.
i offered up a bed, but you said you needed to think.
you always need to think.

i woke up three hours early so i could stop by your room before class.
i wanted to cuddle, you told me to stop it.
i thought you were joking.

the text still lives in my phone.
i didn't want to make it official.
so you didn't want to make it work.

you never wanted me.
you just wanted a status update.
you didn't care who you dated.

you were gonna use me.
i was gonna be the girl you could show mama.
i was gonna be your prize.

it's better that it happened this way.
you are not who i thought you were.
i am not who you wanted me to be.

-hm.
i'm back, whooo
Mar 2016 · 446
okay.
calion Mar 2016
things aren't okay.
i hope my suicide jokes catch your eye.
but they don't.
you don't care about me.
you don't love me.
and you don't need me.
Feb 2016 · 483
momentarily mine.
calion Feb 2016
i love the you no one gets to see.
don't get me wrong, you're beautiful all the time.
but i love seeing your shield shatter.
Dec 2015 · 466
all i want is you.
calion Dec 2015
I shouldnt have lied and said I was okay.
I should have asked you for help.
Oh god, I need your help.
I am shattered.
Do you not see my broken bones?
Do you not see the way I cry out for help?
I just want to be noticed.
I shouldn't have lied.
But you should've known.
Nov 2015 · 628
bittersweet (10w)
calion Nov 2015
I want to hate you.
I want to love you.
Nov 2015 · 845
timing is everything. (10w)
calion Nov 2015
maybe not today,
but in our hearts,
we are one.
Nov 2015 · 563
lightly trembling touches.
calion Nov 2015
I am not so much mad.
it was my fault.
what was I to expect?
I'm not good enough.

I am not so much upset.
you still love her
oh god
love me instead.

I will not waste tears,
only ink.
look who's baaaaack!
Jul 2015 · 493
indigo.
calion Jul 2015
i will walk
away
and watch you crash
and burn.
you are nothing with out me.
May 2015 · 1.4k
amatonormativity (haiku)
calion May 2015
maybe I am not
meant to fall in love with you
maybe nobody
May 2015 · 475
concrete.
calion May 2015
stand me up under the truck
mixer on full speed
turn it higher, higher
pour liquid on me
if I can't learn to stop
destroying myself
destroying others
make me.
turn me into stone
May 2015 · 1.1k
how to build madison
calion May 2015
colour and crashes
big eyes and lashes
this is you in mourning.

white latex gloves
white flying doves
this is you today.

careful breathes
careless lefts
this is you without.

bright flowy skirt
a smile that can flirt
this is you with him.

big perfect grin
crying over him
this is you at your finest.

smoke in the air
thick curly hair
this is you and me.
for my Madison.
calion Apr 2015
i told colton, a strange look of terror residing in my eyes, that i would break it off.
i told madison, a strange calm in my thumbs, that i would break it off.
you walked into the uniform room.
i didn't even wear my socks, i was so late. i had to run to my locker to get my shoes. should've brought em sooner you said, pulling your bibbers on.
i could feel the words climbing out of my throat, hey, we need to talk i almost said.
but like i did when i was seven and with stomach flu, i shut my mouth so the inevitable flow would stay contained.
i go searching through the guard closet for shoes, my back to you.
god, how am i supposed to get this on? you asked, and i watched you struggle to get the jacket zipped. this little look of admiration washed over my face.
I walked over to you and zipped you up, laughing with you. god, i could have and should have broken it off with you right then. i also could have and should have kissed you.
you zipped me up too, and we buckled each others top buckles.

-
i could have ended it, and i wish i would have.
Mar 2015 · 485
rifra
calion Mar 2015
i think jensen and i have a whirlwind of fuckedupness.
he is a boy and i am a ?????
but because we are both perceived as females,
in the ******* state,
we can get kicked out of stores.
jesus,
i swear we're a straight couple.
Feb 2015 · 760
i love you.
calion Feb 2015
this is me saying
that i don't care how i am
treated, i love you.
calion Feb 2015
i walk you to class, our stubby legs powering through the hallways.
i try so desperately to keep my hands on my books, although the digits reach towards yours on their own accord.
we walk, laughing at your friends.
i know i’ll be quite late to class, i always have to push it.
if i had it my way, neither of us would attend first period.
your baggy clothes would come off, the constricting binder would go on.
i’d fix up your hair and make you feel comfortable.
i’d give you a sweater of mine and i’d whisk you into my soccer mom van.
i’d drive us far away, my hand glued to yours the whole way.
we’d go out, ignoring stares and just being.
we can’t do that here.
here i can’t even call you mine.
i have to spend 8 hours without seeing you and 8 hours without holding you it’s like i’m spending 8 hours without loving you.
that’s why i walk you to class.
you go to freshmen biology while i go to college level composition.
you take french one, i’m in spanish four.
i drop you off.
super christian Abbie gives me a look.
but god, i’d love to see her face if i had it my way.
i’d pin you up against someone’s locker, preferably hers, and call you mine, claim you as me, you’d be mine.
we wouldn’t care.
Abbie’s face would contort into a sour look like someone squirted lemon juice in her mouth, her mind searching for bible verses to condemn us with, her hands already grasping markers to scrawl “god hates ****” in big angry letters on poster boards.
but you’d be mine.
taken from my tumblr.
Feb 2015 · 328
we burn, oh we burn.
calion Feb 2015
the way you touch me makes my hands light on fire,
so every chance i get i touch you too.
maybe we'll go up in flames.
Feb 2015 · 367
well.
calion Feb 2015
i don't know what to
do anymore, i'm drowning,
i'm so very sad.
calion Jan 2015
tell me three things.
•How are you doing? I miss you and I want you to do okay.
•Why don't you believe that I love you? Why don't you believe we all love you? We all love.
•Why won't you believe me when I say that you make me happy and that I've been where you have.

Brandon, I want you to be okay. I care about you.
Jan 2015 · 427
what am i to you (10w)
calion Jan 2015
_more than wanted_
_______less than needed______
__________­maybe just a friend.
calion Jan 2015
i am water coursing through,
and remaining earth on you.
Jan 2015 · 332
get down, get down
calion Jan 2015
if this was easier
then my stomach wouldn't growl so loudly that those in another galaxy could hear it.
but i have to keep going.
i have to keep going.
Jan 2015 · 8.5k
here i am.
calion Jan 2015
once there was a time when frailty was the word that best fit me.
i was weak and childish and it was hard to wrap my big body with soothing words and well fitting clothes.
my body was so large and my self esteem so low that when i looked in a mirror i couldn't find my personality i couldn't find who i was.
my wrists shook under the pressure and my voice screamed out when i thought about dying.
i was weak and could not live.
now, 3 years later, both my body and self esteem have gotten larger.
mirrors don't make me cringe anymore.
my best feature isn't my ability to become invisible here i am.
over the years i have developed a flashing neon sign over me called confidence.
i may not wear short shorts and revealing clothes but i have this new found aura of confidence.
here i am.
i will not hide.
needed.
Jan 2015 · 567
with you.
calion Jan 2015
our highs are like the
himalayas and our lows;
death valley. but all
i want is to be at sea
level with you.
calion Jan 2015
when asked what i got for christmas,
couldn't say you.
Jan 2015 · 856
juntos.
calion Jan 2015
i have no idea what to do.
i am so lost.
last time i was in this situation,
i pulled away and realized how little she cared.
i do not want to realize the same about you.
but i can't make it work for both of us.
-
i told him.
i know that i said i wouldn't.
i had to get his advice.
he said to break it off and pull away.
he said you'd snap back.
but i can't believe him for a second.
-
im sorry.
i am torn between hoping you see this
and hoping you never do.
this has to be done and i hate this so much.
im sorry.
but i know i will be sorry.
-
when she started giving me resistance,
when i was clearly more in it that she was,
i pulled away.
i tried getting close to her again and she was stuck.
i had changed so much.
but the part of me that loved her stayed the same.
-
this isn't you and her fighting each other.
it's you and me.
juntos is spanish for together.
Jan 2015 · 398
falling out.
calion Jan 2015
my feet are slipping again.
(you say you just like to  disappear, you hate texting.)
I just have two ways to go.
(I knew this was a mistake.)
I can't fall for you, so I'll fall from you.
(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)
(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)
Jan 2015 · 638
this song is about you.
calion Jan 2015
I cannot make this work without your help.
it's a whole lot like a school project; I'm the straight a valedictorian 4.0 and you're the sports star only in school so you can wear a jersey I am not a jersey to be worn.
when the project takes a turn towards sports you're interested but I do everyone else and I picked you as my partner after seeing what you can do I bring up the project you pale away you ignore me.
I cannot make this work without help and it hurts me that I can't have you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Dec 2014 · 554
earned it.
calion Dec 2014
many times, when you run through someones thoughts, you know why you are there.
i know i am in my best friends thoughts because she worries about me.
i know i am in my grandmothers thoughts because she worries about everyone.
why am i in your thoughts?
what makes you hate me?
i have said a handful of words to you and now my crush and i are your favourite targets.
you barely know me, and yet i apparently disgust you.
well, maybe the repulsion you feel upon hearing my lower timbre voice, my lower timbre instrument, maybe the repulsion you feel upon seeing my too big waistline, my too big ***, my too big face with too little makeup on it, maybe all those awful feelings would vanish if you knew me.
i bet if you took time to dive into a lake, you could find gold at the bottom.
even if the top makes you wanna **** yourself.
Dec 2014 · 542
target practice
calion Dec 2014
shoot arrows with those hurtful words at me.
fire bullets with those laughs.
just know that the best marksmen never shoot at the biggest targets.
calion Dec 2014
am I truly that evil?
comparable to relentless bullies,
the ones that you embody.

am I that awful?
like looking in mirror
seeing a body you despise.

am I that annoying?
like the voice of depression
that sounds a lot like you.
Dec 2014 · 382
she loves me not.
calion Dec 2014
I feel like she was fleeting.
her love depending on the day.
on the pick of a petal.
she loves me (keeping my voice on her phone)
she loves me (walking from lunch)
she loves me (pep band games)
but then, I go to the next petal.
she loves me not. (forgetting to text back)
she loves me not. (not knowing how to react)
and even though it hasn't been picked yet.
she loves me not. (leaving me)
Dec 2014 · 566
clingyness
calion Dec 2014
I first learned the definition of clingyness when I met you.

clingyness is when someone is too emotionally attached; when they just can't give it up; when they're too close to someone; when they can't just throw in the towel; they have too much money on the game.

but clingyness is something you show none of.

some how it is so easy for you to just give it up.

you are like a 911 operator; people call you; people ask you for help, you give them help; you stop caring.

when I first walked into the strange building with no red no white all gold; when I climbed the stairs for the third time that first day; when I finally found a familiar face and heard them say I was finally gonna meet; when I saw you, I was drawn.

your name had lingered once on my lips before I was desiring your lips on mine; your greeting had rolled off my tongue once before I poised it to speak paragraphs of your greatness; your image had sat in my temporal lobe once before my cerebellum was telling my fingers to pick up a pen and write things for you.

you were like the sun and I was a planet orbiting around you; I was pretty much like pluto; you had so many planets around you; your effects barely reached me; everyone forgot about me; I still orbited around you because I had no choice; even though she did receive benefits and no one forgot her your venus felt the same way; you were your own mercury.

you may be smart; you may be able to balance equation in your sleep; you may speak circles around a college professor but if you were truly smart you would know how a treat a women the way that they should be treated.

see you have this way of making women feel like the only way they'll be loved is by being broken; like there is some innate limit on the intake and output of love; like love works like a speed limit; this is so toxic; when I first got pushed away by you I thought it was perfectly okay to hurt myself to receive love from you; the joke was on me because you spent all your love on yourself; maybe that's why you push everyone away you can't give or receive love; so I gave all my love to you and it bounced back but didn't go to me it was just wasted in the air kind of like when I said I loved you as you walked away and ****** I know you heard me.

I was too close to you; when you chose her I cringed; it was my fault; I'm too clingy.

when i began drifting out of your arms and into hers I realized that wholeness is valuable; love doesn't have a limit; I shouldn't have clung to someone who treated me the way you did; I cling to her now but it's okay because things are reciprocated.
Dec 2014 · 379
tingly.
calion Dec 2014
she makes my heart
beat
just a little faster.
Nov 2014 · 2.3k
sex+ sex-
calion Nov 2014
in the asexual community,
a lot is done to coddle the ****** interests of those who don't feel ****** attraction.
the thing is, *** negatives are often ignored.
*** positives get countless affirmations, but *** negative are pushed under the rug.
simply put, all people are important regardless of ****** desire.
Nov 2014 · 873
On Why I Don't Belong
calion Nov 2014
I have this little pink composition notebook with that title written across it.
After feverishly writing in it while I was in Europe, a ******* our trip asked what I meant by that title.
I made up some excuse,
because when you are stuck in a room with three girls, the last thing you want to admit is that you aren't quite a girl.
This notebook is full of prose and poetry about gender and binaries and prefixes that a national merit scholar has trouble understanding.
Most people on that trip would not need a notebook on why they don't belong.
Because they do,
and I do not.
Nov 2014 · 778
dear konr
calion Nov 2014
a poets sin may be the words they create,
but when you said poetry isn't pretty
you forgot about your own.
and in violet,
you have truly succeeded
in speaking the language.
your words are concise in a way that mine will never be.
but you are amazing.
calion Sep 2014
why are bathrooms
and t shirts and pants
gendered?

i am not a girl wearing
clothes, i am a human
wearing clothes.

i should be able
to wear what i please
and still be human.
Sep 2014 · 1.5k
this is for madison.
calion Sep 2014
i will never feel lonely as long as your name can float up on my phone.
you are the ocean surrounding me, but i don't feel like you'll sweep me up.
because you won't.
you just gently rock me over beaches.
you know where to take me.
i thought, since i was so surrounded by you,
i needed oxygen.
so i found oxygen in another.
but after sustaining me for 9 months,
he left.
i felt panicked, because surely the water would drown me.
i was wrong.
you kept rocking me, gently swaying me back and forth.
i underestimated you, i had no faith in you.
but you never let me drown.
Sep 2014 · 574
i know where to hide.
calion Sep 2014
nearly 2 years later,
i am gracious that you were my first love.
if i hadn't have fallen so hard,
everything would be different.
so thank you.
thank you for ******* me up.
calion Sep 2014
today i was walking down the stairs and thought i heard someone catch the door.
i turn around and i see no one.
was it you?
you told me that on spring break you wanted to see me.
i asked if you’d come up here.
no, of course you wouldn’t.
i envisioned that the person catching the door was you.
your hair is a little darker now, but i think you’d still be the same.
i can imagine you telling me about the same things as always and getting really excited and ignoring me.
but, you are just a ghost.
no one has filled the space you did, but i don’t need a lifeguard or a babysitter.
maybe i just need an endless series of 911 operators.
or, maybe i just need a self help lecturer.
maybe i just need me.
because i dont need you.
Aug 2014 · 355
Ritual, We Lose it All
calion Aug 2014
I can't stop thinking about you. I look in your direction and it physically pains me.
2. I burned poetry about you and her, the fact that I regard you the same way as her scares me. Something has changed.
3. I burn poetry as means of destroying myself.
4. Only I can destroy myself that way.
5. I miss you but I can't. Not today.
6. I'm gonna throw up because water has filled my lungs. Water has filled the space you used to.
7. Blood courses through and sometimes I wish it flowed out but *******. You made me stop.
8. Worthless. You told me I was not and now, that's how you make me feel.
Aug 2014 · 1.2k
thunder.
calion Aug 2014
I love thunderstorms.
I love the rain, the wind, the cold, and the lightning.
But I hate the thunder.
Boisterous. (It goes through the air like a thousand trash cans being hit.)
Heavy. (It hangs around, and as the sky gets darker it gets louder.)
Arrogant. (It interrupts conversations and plans and gets in the way and assumes it's welcome and perfect.)

Junior year was a thunderstorm.
I had rain (like the times I actually got invited to things) and wind (like the times I swore I felt her holding me) and cold (hide-and-go-seek in the school) and lightning (spinning flag in the hallway).

But I also had thunder.
Thunder. (You pulling me with you.)
Thunder. (You giving me encouragement.)
Thunder. (You asking her to prom.)
Thunder. (You avoiding me.)

Because no storm is complete without thunder.
calion Aug 2014
its getting harder
to even breathe
without you.
without air.
this is one of those poems I don't think I like.
Aug 2014 · 599
internalizing.
calion Aug 2014
I have this really bad habit of not getting angry.
I don't allow myself to.
I shut down all human emotions.
Like when a friend treats me like a backup plan, a just-in-case friend,
I just shut down.
I begin yelling at myself in the mirror, imagining that it's my friend I'm looking at and not me and really if they were here there'd be no problem,
but before I get done with the first sentence,
I stop.
Breathe.
Feel nothing again.
Maybe it's because I think so little of myself.
Even expressing negative reactions toward a friend makes me less of a person and a super ****** friend.
Maybe, I've always lined up with my friend's favorite person in believing
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Because if they try,
I get back at them by not feeling at all.
I like this poem. But, before she yells at me, I'd like to say, Madison, I'm really not mad. I just overreacted and the more I wrote the angrier it sounded.
Aug 2014 · 968
re-recovering (20w + 4line)
calion Aug 2014
this is my fourth day 10.
my fourth recovery run.
but this time, it'll work.
I know it will work.
sorry its been so long.
Jun 2014 · 748
gambol.
calion Jun 2014
the sun beats on my shoulders.
the autumn breeze ruffles my hair.
i walk happily.
the path is laid clearly.
the destination is near.

i near your location.
the house is in front of me.
the siding and roofing is deteriorating.
i knock on the weakened door.
the door blows down.

the house is too worn down.
i barely recognize it.
the color is different.
the memories are gone.
i am without a childhood home.
calion Jun 2014
the back of my neck.
my collarbone area.
the area between my ****.
the area under my ****.
my stomach.
my wrists.
my back.
my hips.
my thighs.
my calves.
Jun 2014 · 1.7k
we argue we don't fight.
calion Jun 2014
we either have really good times
or really bad times.
i miss the you I fell for.
Jun 2014 · 782
mun.
calion Jun 2014
I don't know if I am the writer
or the character.

I don't know who has control.

Am I the mun?
The writer?
The one who makes decisions?

Or am I the muse?
The character?
The puppet?

If I am the muse,
what mun would **** up
a character this bad?
Jun 2014 · 960
black hole
calion Jun 2014
you left a massive impact on me.
i have scars of both the mental and physical variety from you.
i fell too hard and too fast.

why am i falling again?
why do i want to see you?
why do i want to apologize?

i hate that i miss you.
i hate that i think you're a monster.
i hate that you hate me.
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