Days feel like years
Like falling down a deep hole
Landing only
to fight through tall grass
Flowers singing songs
Lyrical riddles and thymes
Nothing makes sense
Then I see the sky
Showing me signs
Confusion sets in
Who am I again?
Stabbing words
Stinging ears
How could anyone
understand
Not I who feels
Broken when
It's over
With a blink

As I drift I find myself looking down at a beautiful copper fox coyly staring upward. Head cocked to one side, he is unafraid of my presence. I crunch through the snow to the chain link fence beside where he stands and he does not run. Through the diamond shapes I can see my belongings....a set of car keys, some credentials and my leather covered Bible. I cannot reach them. I look up slightly to see a police woman ranting on about how she found my camp nearby and confiscated my things. I realize I must get to them but how? I am cold. I begin to run and my path turns to a reddish brown. I no longer see the fox or the snow, I am aware that I am completely alone. I feel a panic and begin to imagine a wolf and what I might do in the instance he appears because I am unarmed! So I imagine I would roar like a lion and of course he would run scared. Ahead and to my right there is a tall rock. It is completely grey in color with possibly some greenery. A beautiful grey puma sits atop the rock. Is it possible for a puma to be grey? I do not know but somehow I know this large grey cat is a puma. I am nervous. I begin to jog. My path is soft, I am worried I may fall....the cat jumps from it's perch. I am running now, my heart is beating fast and the cat is gaining speed. He is right behind me now! I can visualize his body much faster, more agile than mine. I turn for just a brief moment and to my fright the cat places his paw to the back of my shoe and gently pulls my shoe down off my heel. He is toying, playfully. Time seems to slow down and I see the picture in slow motion. As he licks my heel I am lost in confusion and fear; my mind tells me he is in for a treat which is me, but somehow his actions seem harmless. I am terrified. Suddenly my heart speeds up as my eyes open! For a moment I am stunned then I breathe out, a sigh of relief.

If only anything
Decisions especially
Were for sure and without a doubt
Only expectancy
If I could wrap my brain around
The why's or what's so crazy
How could I be so blind
Self destruction plagues me
I long for positive thoughts
For a life without longing
If only it were easy
I would never be lonely

Pounding the pavement
Looking into blank faces
Talking to brick walls
Looking for a diamond in the rough
only to find a pitch black cave of angry coal
chiseling away at the grime and sometimes
It smears onto me
It seems the impossible task
To make something so ***** shine so bright
Like a needle in the haystack, a collection
Of stolen goods
Trying to play Robin Hood
are we as black on the inside
As we seem on the outside?
Chisel and break and peel away
The black alone to reveal what's true
Bringing out the best in us
Is all we aim to do

Why is love so complex
It should be simple
It should be something
you know right away
Without doubts
Without a question
It should be magnetic exhilaration!

Instead love is cruel
heartache and depression
Isolation
Broken hearts
flooding eyes
Bleeding
Crippled minds
Empty arms
Empty lives

Empty hollow holes
echo anger, tears & shame
Criticism destroyed all of her true colors that only
bleed to black
Helpless
crushing vices
became her only comfort
sending her to a bitter end

Slowly it trickles
Softly drives me insane
The constant pressure
The soft relentlessness
The tightness that grabs
The pounding
The sudden awakening
The hurtfulness
The unending abuse

Everything ends eventually
Nothing is good but Jehovah God
You're not good, I'm not good
No one will acheive perfection
On their own
Eat the most organic
Collect rain water
Workout everyday
You may prolong your life some
Still life ends eventually
"I am no part of the world" said Jesus
"My kingdom is no part of this world"
I believe Jesus
I believe his words
So I know nothing from this world
Belongs to my king.
He does not promote the violence
He does not sexualize messages
He does not punish us for our sins
No, he died for our sins
Yes, everything ends
Eventually
And I am grateful it does.... for now
I would be happy to not have the stress
To not experience anxiety
The only thing that keeps me focused
Is knowing
When Jesus takes over
All the violence will end
All the sickness and death
Man and his dominance
The ruining of the earth
And it will be filled instead
With pure love and good
With the knowledge of Jehovah
Forever

Body whimpers mind is dizzy
head throbbing
I'm falling
Exhausted from helplessness
Exhausted from trying
From others ignorance
From hearing lies
From the major abuse
Exhausted from crying
So exhausted
I feel like dying

There was a time in my life
when I wasn't such a rigid realist
Before experience told me the truth
And the pain of life took hold
The bliss of ignorance
It once embraced me too
Dreams were fantastic then
Daydreams and love, it was all fun;
wonderful and intriguing
The excitement of life
captivating my very being
I was exhilarated!
Motivated into shape!
Loving my life & myself
it was easy then
but that was before
the experience set in

A name is not my aim
I am not looking for fame
I write only for maddness
To remain safely contained
On my page it stays tame
It lets me release
Keeping my brain
From going completely insane

A real relationship is the ultimate fantasy*
When will humans finally
open their eyes  
Lust is a disease of the mind
We feel almost safe wrapped up in the blanket of desire
Which is easily unraveled
Falling feels like flying
But somehow we always
Hit the ground

What does it mean
To always be ready
Offense
Defensive
I am always
On this
One way street
Fists is position
Steady
Pivoting
I am a fighter
It is all I know now
Concussions
Bruised
what is left of me
Bleeds on the inside
where none can see

Do you feed your mind
everything you believe?
Or do you believe everything
you feed your mind?

Not coaxed, forced
Like a hammer and nail
Like a pole shoved onto the ground
Not gently or smooth
Like an ice pick slams into ice
Or an axe chops wood in two
That is how forced
It felt with you

Is forever so long
You keep using forever
Saying it's never ending
Forever in love
Forever together
If love ends so quickly
Forever would be to me
Such a long long time

I'll never understand it
I'll never know why
somehow we've stayed together
after all of this time
tearing each other apart
with so many fights
words rip at the heart
so many sleepless nights
I reject you
I'm cruel
We say things
We don't mean
I'm sorry
I forgive you
will you forgive me?
and you do
it's that simple
I guess we were meant to be
so many storms come in
violent winds strike
this house must be made of stone
if it's strong enough to survive
imperfect together
you slip I fall
to really love each other
I guess you have to risk it all

My mind travels,  to distant worlds. I am without limit . No boundaries exist no cage could hold me in, I am free to make my own decisions.

You see,  I created this world around me. I do not believe in Hollywood dreams. Although we both bleed although we both breathe, the differences are vast inbetween.

You may sing as beautifully as the waves of the sea, but no song will ever be able to save anybody. You see, I heard it's impossible to please him well, not when you have so much money. It really doesn't matter how beautiful you are honey.

Money changes people when you have too much, it breeds greed and lust and it's never enough!
Power and titles and fame built up high, towering over above what is right.
  
Above each other, above the law. What happens when it crumbles? What happens when you fall? And you're just another one, just like me.  After everything you've had, could you live so simply?

This is my corner, my sanctuary, my home & my life is my family. Worldwide, I have brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers and everyone listens. Everyone loves straight from the start and it's my free will, this is where I keep my heart.

Why does it seem
only the ones who dream
are gifted of
so many things...
Yet cursed of happiness?

Call em what you will
Nights by the fire
Underneath a blanket of stars
A circle of chairs
Sounds of song in the air
laughter
flickering fire lit smiles
Salt & sand in the distance
Ocean tides roll in
Take me back
to carefree
lightweight, good times

I've been at
your beck & call
when all you wanted
was for me to fall
I picked you up
again and again
as you watched me
crawl, break & bend
For you
it was never enough
I couldn't carry it all
Like I'm nothing but tough
...as if your flaws were my own
the weight of you crushes
right down to my bones
I may be alone
Only my thoughts
to set me free
The comfort I have is
knowing me
Knowing exactly who I am
seeing through everything
helps me to understand
I gotta get back to me
Focus on what's at hand
Disappointment happens sidetracking
Chasing storms in the sand