your love sits on my chest like an overweight elephant,
imagine all that weight plus the obesity of your neglect,
crushing my heart that was once so delicate...
breaking the whole foundation of my chest.
i try to push back but my arms snap under the pressure,
i try not to love you so the weight might lessen.
but i never seemed to be able to lift you and your darkness.
because of you it takes much more pain for me to be broken hearted.
it may sound better, like nothing phases me as much..
but if pain and more pain affects me like nothing,
then how will i ever be strong enough to build myself,
how will i ever stop falling and finally get up...
i wish that you'd just get off me i wish you'd just roll over.
instead it seems you keep eating and the disease is moving closer.
instead of affecting you it drops right down to me,
my heart explodes and bleeds and you finally get up to leave.

morning.
I'm waking up
in a different world.

dreamed about you.
you where there
with me
so close.

my life
is feeling surreal
as soon as my thoughts
get lost in you.

you are nothing
but a memory
that I can't let go.

Am I really meant for this?
to love without return, without hope
to love desperately and never quite have that which I love
my heart has been yearning my whole life for something-
perfect communion, perfect harmony- a partner in crime
a soulmate, someone to love me wholly
and you're going to tell me I can't have that? My whole life
I've been waiting and planning for it, but I will never have it.
people have always been telling me I have been too much
so I stopped sharing, I can't tell you how I feel in words
without crying, because I have always been a burden, an enormous
intensity of feeling, too much love for people to handle
too much hope, too much emotion, to share without crushing
I must bear the burden on my own, never to share, never to partner
never to communicate, to be equal, to bear with each other.
I must hold all of it within, with only the help of the Lord my God.
Am I really meant for this? Why?
Why would God make this destiny for me?
Why would God make this loving heart for heartbreak?

and then I remembered.

After all, I did ask to love like you, Lord.

Who needs antidepressants when i have my own best form of therapy. It may not be what you consider healthy, but when i put it to use, it surely does make me happy. Maybe you don't know whats best for me but that's just fine because the only person living in this body is me