I have depression.

I suspect I’ve had it for a long time.
It’s only recently I accepted it.

Having this,
is like have an insufferable house guest that just wouldn’t leave.
He was never invited.
I don’t even know why he’s even here.

He’s very persuasive.
He tells me things and shows me what I perceive to be my true value.
I know he likes it here and I’ve had him for so long that I have found strange comfort having him around.

At times, he may slip away without
me even knowing.
But at times, he’d show up.
He’d make a grand entrance.
He’d fuss.

But I’d still wouldn’t realise.

These days,
people know I’m not alone.
People know of him.
People read and watch videos of him.
I applaud them for trying to understand him.
And our relationship.

But it saddens me and it fuels him when the aids don’t do him any justice.
They just allow people to think they know better.
They think they’ve been educated and can start to administer help.
They assume that you’re not heeding their advice.
They think you don’t even try.

But again I applaud them...
For trying so very hard.

This is me and I have a house guest that I’m sincerely trying to manage.



I have depression.

hey, it's me again
i'm just calling to say
that the sunset
reminded me of you tonight
so enticing
illuminating
and beautiful
but at the same time
so intense
fiery
and passionate
drawing me in
closer and closer
until i'm in your presence
and within a moment i'm
drenched in darkness
danger
and silence

i stay
only because
the dazzling starlight
hidden in the rubble
of darkness
reminds me of
the moments before dusk

so today you sat by me at lunch and tried to talk to me
just like i said you would
even though your new best friend is in our lunch too
so why did you do that?
why did you that knowing that you would go back to her
the next period
gossiping with her
instead of with me
why did you do that completely aware
that it would hurt me
physically
mentally
and emotionally

i know you tried to commit suicide last year
we all knew
and i was there for you
actually
i was the only one there for you
we all went through things last year
and our conversations were like medicine to me
i know they helped you too
but it's not the same this year
i wish i knew why
suddenly you don't sit by me in classes
you ditch me for your boyfriend more than usual
and your new friend
your new "best friend" to be exact
the girl neither of us liked
and the girl who goes through her "best friends"
quicker than anything else
and she'll drop you too
i know she will
i think you know deep down too

you don't text or call
or even send streaks most nights
i'm sorry if i did something wrong
i really am
and i'd probably be really happy again
if you'd simply forgive me
but in all honesty
i know it wasn't my fault
and i wish it was
at least if it was my fault
there would be a possibility
that everything would go back to normal

but it can't
it never will
and i'm sorry that i'm not willing to let it
but if i was to let it
that would mean i'd be willing to get hurt again
and i'm not ready for that

i just wanted to let you know that
i know you and you boyfriend are having problems
i know you don't deserve that
but i also know that i don't deserve to hear it from him
instead of from the girl i was calling my best friend days ago
and no matter what
i just want you to know
that no matter what happens
i'll be there for you
and no
i'm not saying it will be like the good old days
because it won't
and i would never lie to you

i'm still coming to terms with the fact
that it will never be the same as it once was
but the difference between you and i
is that while you're busy breaking me
i'll be ready to pick up the pieces
next time you feel as worthless
as i do right now

sacred silence hangs on angel wings
blessing, watching over wakened night
fluttering on the screen, drawn to the light of
consciousness, the truth of darkened mornings.
strong, alone, remotely flipping through the
channels of the restless bar-room soul
charles bukowski, angry, drunk and droll;
pavement wisdom yanked inside, renewed and
resurrected.  rolling stone lays open,
having sprung the latent-night messiahs
preaching to insomniacal choir.
cryptic muse's recipe for coping:
be consumed, entombed, re-wombed by
worshiping and feeding written fire.