It was a long train I was on
When I saw the sun illuminate the clouds
And cylindrical beams reached the ground
Making me think the heavens had opened
And that there was a way up from down here

I pictured myself, laid flat
Alive. Elevated. Spread arms. On my back.
Floating upwards, transcendent
And never coming back.

And then I imagined meeting you for the first time
Seeing you physically and spiritually
You were there waiting for me, precious.
The child I never met.

I found you alone, still young.
I was crying with happiness
There was nobody else in heaven but us
And I could hold you, touch you for the first time and never stop.

In my head I picked you up
We floated together
We were happy
Because there were no problems.
No reason why I'd be a ****** mother
We had everything we needed just through
Embracing each other.

And then there were no words, no more.
What a dream, I thought.

Maybe in the future the others would join us
But some of them don't really understand
They try.
No, there would just be us.

The train felt longer after that.
Eventually I approached my stop and knew it was my time to stumble off
Wishing I could instead, kiss your head

Thinking about how sad it is that
Heaven doesn't exist.
And neither can you.