my earliest memory of yeye (grandfather)
is one with the garden
it was once a large space of emptiness, yet
sometimes emptiness is not a lack of but an opportunity
for planting and for growing

in this garden he planted memories
looping a hose around the garden suddenly created new meaning
chasing after turtles my cheeks turned rosy and drenched in the sun the details are so clear
it’s like watching a motion picture in slow motion, the speed of everything melting into a single emotion i can only describe as childish joy.

and when the sun slept the garden was still alight
with firecrackers and sparklers
the sizzling sound of springtime spirit
he kept the garden glowing, bustling and radiating with life.

as i grew the flowers did too,
a new type of rose, fruit, bud each time i came back
and this is where i learn
how life begins and ends
just like flowers we must seek the sun
wilt and
fall
root and rise
and only then
can we bloom
and he bloomed so bright that the Lord hand picked him

and so he may have left his own garden
but he has not wilted
he only continues to bloom
this time in the garden of heaven.

we all want a movie ending
those romcoms you see on valentine’s day
that kind of ending
after all, i am a film student

but film has taught me more than the hollywood romance
it has taught me the crushing realities of life
the noir, lesser known tragedies and
the indie, underappreciated art of living

so the days that i wander and think about how we might reunite on a new york city street, coffee in tow and heels on, catching up and suddenly eloping in a whirlwind romance,
i curse hollywood for tainting my imagination
for cursing me with unnecessary pain through setups and disappointments

but then again, film has taught me that i will get my movie ending,
except i am not, and will not be the audience
i am the director, the screenwriter and the editor.

i owe myself
an apology
for who i used to be
and a promise
for what i will become

she is your dearest,
you hold her close, about a seat apart, miles of tension, unspoken words, uncomfortable silence.
she is your beloved,
i wonder how much you think of her, whether you compare her to me, if you’re bored of her.
she is your queen,
you, the knight in shining armour, are never there, she is constantly waiting for your arrival.
she is your sweetheart,
adorable, cute, big eyed, never your type.
she is your happiness,
and you wear her like a medal
simply because you
cannot find it within yourself.

i’m sorry i
broke up with you, i really am. i hope
you still do well for exams- i know it’s bad timing,
and i take responsibility for that,
but this relationship was really toxic
for me,
and i can’t
go forth with this.

****,
i didn’t think this would hurt so bad. it’s okay- this isn’t our first time
at the rodeo.. is that the saying?
i think i should
get back to studying
thanks for giving me my stuff back.
you can keep the teddy bear though

oh, you want answers? well, you kind of took it out on me alot, how do i say. oh. we’re using the word abusive. then you were kind of abusive, and i get that you’re psychotic and whatever but that’s never influenced
this decision
hope you understand.
have a good holiday,
see you in
two months

i’ll admit. in those two months, i did mess around with another girl. you know her. i won’t say who. that’s not the point though. i’m on a ****** vacation of sorts. oh. i’m sorry to hear that. hope you get better. hey, can i definitively say we’re friends?

yeah. it was her. how’d you find out? right, sorry. this school is too **** small. happy birthday, by the way. sorry if the hug earlier this day was awkward- wasn’t expecting to see you there. sorry to hear that. hope it gets better. live your best life, yeah?

everything okay? ah. thanks for the apology. i appreciate it. sorry for the way i handled the breakup. oh. yeah, we’re dating. you don’t have to be happy for me. okay. it’s alright. it gets better. hmm. i get that. i’ve been there before- oh right, i told you this story. i forgot.

well, moving on is just a matter of mindset. i was at my lowest. i made a lot of mistakes. but i kind of just stopped moping about it. decided to turn my life around. learn from my mistakes. just appreciate yourself. baby steps. yeah. see you around.