i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when we talked about going to seattle?
you said you liked the rain
and the fact that no one there would know you,
i just wanted to be wherever you were.
i was never afraid of the dark
when you talked about yours.
i still don't have words for what i felt
when you told me the only other number
you had saved in your phone apart from your mother's was mine.
i keep telling myself you're not allowed
to just exit and re-enter my life as you please,
but i leave the door unlocked,
so what does that make me?
the last "i love you" from the last time we spoke,
is still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
other lovers have tried to pry it out of me,
but the memory of you is like lockjaw.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember the lizard you caught last summer?
you let me name him forrest.
if life is a box of chocolates,
there are pieces missing,
and whatever is left has gone stale.
i can't smoke cigarettes in my backyard anymore
without wondering where you are
or if you're smoking too.
i hope you're not drinking,
i know you hate what it does to you.
your secrets are still tucked between my ribs,
i will hold them safe and repeat them back to you
if you ever lose your way home.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember when you told me
about the person you were afraid of becoming,
i said i wasn't scared,
and i told you i was proud of you?
i'm still proud of you.
i hope you're in school or at least keeping busy.
i hope you still make yourself laugh.
i miss you so much it hurts my whole body.
do you remember what movie we were watching
the night you got arrested?
i still can't finish it.
i am holding the place.
can we pick up where we left off?
can we stand up and wipe the dust off?
i never got to tell you why i only write in pen,
or why i can't sleep with socks on,
or about the day i caught god with his hands in a public fountain
fishing for change.
i'm not mad at you for disappearing, but i'm lonely.
the only reason i haven't called
is because i'm afraid of being sent straight to voicemail,
but if i ever find myself in indiana again,
you'll be the first to know.

- m.f.

i can tell you how i feel later
i know you only want to hear about
the happy stuff -
sugar-coated lies always taste better anyway

Government wants to run our lives
But they keep telling lies

You order your pills
But to your disgust you can't get refills

You go to the doctor to get a script
The doctors don't care cause  they are all
crypt

The government don't care about your pain
They only care about their mane

It's a mother F'in shame how this could end
Just wait and see if we can mend

Gonna have to get some pills
No matter what it takes to fulfill

This is just a money thing
That feeds into the drug ring

We might as well be on crack
At least we don't need a script for that

They believe they are helping us
But in actuality they threw us under the bus

It's so hard not to equate my worth with my beauty
I wish I could rip off my skin and my bones and muscles so that the only thing left was my brain
My thoughts
My love
My spirit
I hope we end up like that somehow in the end...***** of energy that emulate our spirit
The way we saw the world
The way we tried

I feel like I'm wasting time
Being sad over things I know aren't tangible and connected to my worth
It's so hard to separate my brain from what I was brought up to believe
I've learned that if my stomach is flat enough and skin is clear enough that everyone will like me

(They will. It's true.) Everyone falls in love with a beautiful person a little bit
As if they did something to deserve or create their physical appearance
The only thing that happened to create them is animalistic

We are all animals in the end
Reduced to dust, funneled through plants, eaten by animals, who are eaten by something bigger
A vicious cycle of death and rebirth
There is nothing left for us. Our minds have created a world soft enough to tread through; protected by gods and love and kindness

If you're really a nice person, you'll be rewarded
There is no reward. There is no secret. We are all here to exist and make the most of it
I'm not making the most of it. I'm sitting and dealing with oth(my)ers expectations
I'm going through stress to make my life harder
For what?
Acceptance? To get along with other animals?
We all start, act, and end the same; as animals.

Any love I've ever found has escaped, like I captured it against its will
Only wanting me when you're drunk
Only wanting me when it's night
Only wanting me because I'm close
Only wanting me because you thought I was something else

Never enough. Not yet. I know I'm more than this but somehow my feelings just keep getting twisted and stepped on and it's making me feel bad
It's making me feel bad
It's hurting me now

I really loved you
I really tried
The same lips you kissed me with
Told me goodbye

My dreams are more vivid now
I'm out of the fog
I have a schedule, a routine, a home
Yet somehow I still can't sleep
I stay up too late
Just thinking, being, processing myself
Eternally exhausted
Permanent gray weights sit underneath my eyes, pulling them down towards the inferno
I feel pretty though, I get attention
I feel light most days
Until night comes
I slip, I fall, I carry this weight until I'm alone
And it all comes crashing down
In the fog of night.

And that's how you exist in my head
When I hear your name that's what I think
You're an idea, a mantra
Too big to ever shrink

You're too large to ever wander
Too bright to ignore
And when you come close to me
I get this feeling that assures..
Me.
That you're religious, youre holy
You're a spirit, control me
I speak in tongues, mold me
Don't give in to the old me

Awaken me, give in
To the sinners and the sins.
Be my arms, be my lips
Erase past relationships

Guide me, be my arms
Be my legs, snake my charm
Empty me of loathing
Empty me of clothing.