Purple, the color for strong women
My mother boldly says,
I am not sure what she means
But she isn’t completely right in the head
The look in her eyes  when she is distressed
When panic takes over, taking her breath

Again I take this, I turn it about me
Writing some more sad poetry
While she speaks some nonsense
Another day she runs away from the cops
I pretend it isn’t real, a cloud of vape in my head
But it is digging like a drill, all that is said

One, two, three, elementary
Tears roll down,
The same way they do from pine trees
Thundering clouds, lightning
Bursting in this shell, my head
Purple, the color for strong women
But I am gray instead.

I miss you
sometimes
just enough
so that it hurts.

When I feel like
I'm living in limbo,
one half step away
from falling apart,
I think of you
as a panacea
for all of the quiet thoughts
and dead stares.

When I find myself
painting canvases black
at three in the morning
and pressing my nails
into my wrists
just to feel
something,
I wish you were here
to coax me into bed
and kiss me
like you never did.

I miss you,
selfishly and
shamelessly.

And it twists
and slides through
my fingers like paint-
beautiful useless emotion.

I feel out of place
in the summertime-
oversized and awkward,
forcing smiles that
crack and peel
and pretending
that I am bold
that I am unaffected
that I am ready
as I shove black thoughts
back down into
silent fissures.

Now fall is creeping in
with great grey plumes
of september clouds
and all of those slippery
dark thoughts bubble up
and out to settle
in every corner.

And I vacillate
from mind-numbing
sorrow and overwhelming
exhaustion to
glittering highs
from the beauty of it all-
the contrast is acutely
melancholic and
sweet at once.

I pour out feelings
that stick to my canvas
and make love
in shallow pools
of moonlight
and smile at something
that feels real
and I am bold
I am unaffected
I am ready.

If diamonds are one in a million,
then you must be the one
who hides the eyes of hurt
and tears of sorrow.

If crystals are used for beauty,
then you must be the one
who injects it into your veins
to stop the pain of tomorrow.

If pearls were to be a necklace,
then yours must look like
charred rope that wraps around
your neck in the middle of the night.

When all of the guilt,
And all of the shame,

When all of the hurt,
And all of the pain,

Undulates through your body
like the harshest of oceans
in the middle of a hurricane.

Like the vortex of a tornado
that swallows houses and families,
that destroys the earth's being.

You will see me.
And I will smile.
Because no matter how hurt I am,
I will always forgive you.

Even if you don't say sorry.

We'd both seen this coming for awhile now
Yet we'd managed to neglect it somehow.

Through the looking glass of tears and stained tiles
Through the cracked and shattered fake smiles.

Through washed blood from opened scars
When I found you emptied out in hometown bars.

Passed blurried eyes and foggy car windows
Into alcohol filled veins and tear soaked pillows.

Instead of you embracing me I cradled you
Passing down dreamless hallways inable to get through.

The war hasn't begun it's been going on for ages
You've set up your defences but I'm not in those stages.

I don't want to fight I want you better
But this letter, I won't regret her.

Please tell me you understand my pain and sorrow
Please get better, I'll see you tomorrow.