i force my eyes open
only for them to meet the white ceiling
staring back, as the light from the soundless
tv changed the white to pink,
the pink to red,
and the red to black,
making my bedroom as dark as i felt inside.
i can’t bring myself to move a limb,
because i know that if i did,
it’d make it all real.
i’m still here.
maybe if i laid there long enough,
i’d sink into the endless slumber
that i was supposed to fall into to begin with.
the colors dancing on my ceiling
called me a failure
over
          and
                    over
         ­                     and
                                        ­over
again until i shut my eyes,
and the only thing staring
back at me were the words
‘failed attempt’
in bold, bright lettering.

curiosity lingers in my veins
as my fingers type in the
four digit passcode that
holds all your secrets.
the thought never crossed my mind
that maybe i should leave it alone,
it is your property after all.
your property that would answer
all of the questions
that could never leave my lips.
my heart leaped out of my chest
where it shattered on the kitchen tiles.
i yearn for your acceptance,
but i believe that you can never
give me the one thing i ask for.
because if you are in conversations
pleading that your beloved daughter’s
sexuality is only just a phase
when i asked you to keep
it a secret in the first place,
you throw away all of my cries
for your love.
my limbs go numb as the words
are stuck on repeat inside
of my empty skull.
and when i look at you
from across the dinner table,
i can’t help but think that
when we meet eyes,
your mind is full of the fact that
you will never love me
because i am an abomination to your beliefs,
even though we believe in the same thing.
“i should’ve seen it in the way she dressed.”
sorry mom, i’ve always been a ‘tomboy,’ as you’d say.
and no matter how much you try
to push me into being a person i’m not,
i’ll always have this love for you
in the heart that you broke.
or did i break it?
after all,
i didn’t have to type in those numbers.
2111.

if you were to ask someone else what your
hair color is, they’d say ***** blonde.
i never understood why they called it that,
because to me, your hair is golden.
it’s golden when it’s shining in the sunlight,
it’s golden when your arms are wrapped around me,
it was golden when you left me.
when you packed up all of your belongings
and left the cottage that we built together in my heart.
it’s vacant and deserted, and i am silently
begging for you to please come back.
when you left me, your golden hair left you,
replaced by a midnight sky that i wish
i could be the stars of.
i love the new hair, it looks absolutely
beautiful on you. i wish i could tell you that.
i wish that i could be the golden star
shining the brightest within your sky.
but i am sure that i burned out.
and as much as i hate to say this,
you deserve a sky full of stars
that will shine better than i ever could have.

your soft fingers caress my cheek
as lonely tears fall from my eyes
for what seems like the hundredth time.
do you know that you’re the cause
of the oceans that i cry at night?
do you know that with each tear shed,
i drown under the waves of my misery?
with each gasp of air that i take,
it feels like it’s my last.
the only air i want is yours,
and i’d wait to see if you’d give me cpr,
but i know if i did, i’d be long gone.

your lips meet mine for the first time,
and i’m no longer drowning
under the crashing, violent waves
of the sea that i’ve created in my mind.
i’m suddenly being lifted up
to an unfamiliar turquoise sky
full of hard clouds that were supposed
to be soft to the touch so that
they can catch me in my unpredictable plummet.
i tugged at the hand around my throat,
but it squeezed tighter and tighter
as it lifted me out of earth’s atmosphere.

your arms are wrapped around my waist,
and i think that this turquoise sky
might be the last thing my eyes ever meet
because my body can’t function without air
and the grip on my throat is only getting tighter.
at least a few of the last things i’ll see
are fragments of your favorite color.
the thick air feels hotter than 100 degrees, but i shiver
because my body feels as cold as december.
the sky starts spinning around me
as i start my descent to the scorching sand.
i’m not sure whether i should be thankful
that an unknown hand’s
merciless grip on my throat is finally gone,
or pray that it comes back just to
save me from the landing.

your hands explore my hair
as my head is perfectly placed on your lap.
you wrap individual curls around your fingers,
and i wish that we could’ve
stayed like that forever.
but of course, i hit the hot sand at full speed
only to be enveloped in the relentless grains
that heat my skin to the third degree.
i open my mouth to scream, but no sound exits.
i guess now i know where quicksand got its name from,
because it has never worked this quickly,
and it seems like i’m going under faster
even though i’m not resisting.

i see you in the morning and
my eyes light up with excitement
as i run over to have you in my embrace.
i’m so glad that i can call you my girl, and as
you’re a foot away from me,
i reach my arms out to meet yours,
but you’re on your way to him.

my tears comfort me as i watch
your soft fingers caressing his cheek,
your lips meeting his,
his arms wrapped around your waist,
and his curls wrapped around your fingers.
all this time,
i was looking in through a one-way glass.
i’m banging on it, yelling for you to come back,
but you don’t hear me.
for a split second, i love to think that
we’ve met eyes, and we aren’t over.
but as quicksand fills my lungs,
making it impossible to breathe,
i soon realize that your mind is clear of
me and whatever we had.
you wouldn’t care if i suffocated,
and you wouldn’t dare come and save me.
the quicksand is too strong anyway.
i’d love to waste my last breath next to you,
but i guess wasting it crying out
your name works just as fine.
remember me when i’m gone,
it’s the least you could do.