We are the girls who walk around with little bird bones,
rib cages ready to snap when we spread our wings and
fly away

and for my next act,
I shall disappear little by little until I am ash.

I’m not eating for four days or until
I can feel the ***** that is my stomach start to shrink

I used to refuse food for weeks
it amazes me how self-indulgent I have become

I am ready to eat spoonfuls of air
spin my hair into a models top knot and
know that water is a privilege not a right

a million screaming girls saying
“but im not hungry”
while a tiger flays their insides open at night

Kate Moss said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
and I suppose she is correct
What happens when you learn the tongue is a muscle not to be used

What happens when sustenance is no longer needed
When the mind decides
the very thing that keeps the body alive is a punishment

What happens when you refuse a necessity of being human

there is a certain comfort in the shape of his soft lips,
in the way his bones crack while we lay together,
in the way his eyes radiate

there's this poison that has settled into my baby bones,
splattering fat bruises on my pale skin

there is a certain comfort in the ringing in my skull,
like the long lost school bell of my younger days,
the days of Easter eggs and milky ways

there's this beautiful boy in my arms,
one who smells like rain and laughs like lightning

I copy ****** expressions I see in the movies

I fancy myself a very good liar but who isn’t these days

you make promises from the bottom of your heart
but it makes me wonder just how deep that is

I try to dig
but all I hear is the echoing of sweet words off this tunnel

You tell me to cut people out of my life and I do
I peel them off like a second skin and leave them bruised

I tell you please don't talk to her
On paper it appears you don't
But you jump to defense every time I quietly say her name

I saw you liked her pictures on my news feed
Even though you unfriended her a week ago

You say you let her go

It appears you are letting her in

I once sat on a blood stained pedestal
praying to a god made out of porcelain and water

I once saw through my enemies and
crushed their spirits under my black combat boots

I lie in the face of police
I lie in the face of my mother

I wear these scars like a noose

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

What happens if you love so much
you give them everything

right down to the skin off of your back and
your organs and bones

If you ever leave me the plan will be to
drink until the pain is over

But I'm not sure even a never ending hangover
can rid my thoughts of you

Already I feel pieces and memories of you
becoming imprinted into my brain like Braille

I think I would be scared if it didn't feel like
the world is right when I am with you

I self identify as the mud caked on your shoes
after you stepped in an unavoidable puddle

I self identify as the coffee that burns the back of your throat
every morning around 5 am

which was always right before you went to sleep
and it never failed to make me laugh

I self identify as everything that reminds me of you

I am a museum to your thoughts
your dreams keep me up at night
I can tell when you are cold when you are 37 miles away

I know you just lit your sixth cigarette of the day
I'm sorry you led me astray