They fed me,
you see.
Fed me full
of pain,and hate,
and despair and
loathing.

They fed
my eyes, my ears,
my mouth, my soul.

But my heart
it refused.

With my blood,
a steady beat,
a flowing rhythm,
my heart fed me.

Joy and love,
and hope and gratitude.

and now,
here I stand.
My true self,
emerging from this
dark shell,
a shadow of
my hearts true being.
Stronger.

For still even now,
they try to feed me.

The heavens mourned
   in my stead love.

They railed and rent
   themselves through,
   in the deep knell of the thunder,
   and the flashing light of the lightning
   as it struck in all its fiery promise.

The gods themselves
   wept my tears, my love.

Rivers upon rivers
  from those fickle immortals,
  for where they are,
  they were moved.

Because I mourned you
   my love,
I mourned you.
I mourned you,
  so deep.

But I was too far
  from my eyes to weep.
Cut off from my arms
  that I could not tear my
  clothes.
Closed off from my throat
  so the world would never
  hear the banshee in my wail.

For as my body mourned,
My soul sought you.
It reached out ,
  to Hades Realms
  if that was where you went.

It asked
   why would you leave us here?
   this body of mine and
   it's soul.

So I could not weep
   and I could not wail.

And so the heavens,
   they mourned for me.

for I have seen,
     my word is death.
my word in my mind
     creates my life,
and in my life is death,
    so my word is death.

there's so much of it,
so many versions of this
  word.

a word written, spoken,
        thought...
and it is death.
       over and over,
       it is death.

many deaths,
      one death,
      over and over
      by one word.

but what word is it?
      what word that creates life,
      and therefore death?

because this one death,
this death I die,
      over and over,
      by this word,
it is killing me.

it smothers my life,
      my love my heart.

now if only it was
     this word,
a word of love,
      would that it would create
      only love,
      but hate would follow
      in it's stead.

and so it is with all
     these words,
      joy and sorrow,
      hope and fear
      charity and greed.

and so thus it is
       that my word is life
       and it was death
       because in both
       all things are
       over, and over.

and my word was death.

It is the vastness of it all,
the grandness of it all,
the feeling of wanting to
know it all.

Our worlds, our links
to lives around us,
to stars above us.

It is the greatness of it all,
the knowing of unknowing
never knowing...

That destroys me
Everyday.

I am descended of Lilith,
I am a child of eve,
I am cast out, i am trod on.
I am likeness of Kali,
re-incarnation of Aphrodite.

In my arms nations
  have been built
  and destroyed.

My kiss has charmed
    and killed.
My hips have
    cradled kings and emperors,
   borne beggars and lepers.

I am all this WOMAN.

Woman
  not of hips and *******
  and womb.
Woman
  not of servitude, meekness
  and petty deceit.

I am Woman.

Woman
  of pain and love
  and hate.
Woman
of blood rivers and
  barren deserts.

I am Woman.

So heed me
Heed my pain,
watch my deeds,
for my meekness,
  my servitude,
Are mere cloaks worn
  to shield, to imprison
  to impede...

And as the soul sheds the body
So do I now shed
  this lie, this deceit
You create for all to believe

And become just
    WOMAN

This is the voice of the face at the mouth at the heart of that woman
This is the tear of the smile in the chamber where she lost her soul
This is the hate from the love drawn deep in the well where she stores her hope
This is…

It is what I make it,
It is what she wills it to be
My nemesis, my lover, my judgment, my retribution

This will say that I do not care,
That I never did and I probably never will.

This will write that I do not love,
Nor hate, nor cry or laugh
Not in this life time,
            the one before nor the one after.

This will decide that I am
Haunted by hate,
            by my apathy,
            by my indifference.

This might touch you or loose you,
This might move you or change you,
But it cannot show you me
You will show you me
You will show me-me
My self, my disgust, my filth, my dirt
How?
In your eyes,
In how quickly you turn away when I walk by
In how soon you will forget my name
In how much you will disown
Me, disown my words, my feelings, my hurt.

And yet I am drawn
To still do this
To reach out, to play, to hurt, to maim

I am sadist,
Narcissus
Alone
Yet I still


Rock forth
Rock back
See in, see without
Look,
Touch,
Feel,
Yet what does it mean?
What do I invite?
Who am I now?

I do not know this person
Do not feel them

Think
Think
Think about man
Long, hard, hate
Think about life
Pain, alone, death
Think about love
Left, hurt, tears

Alone please
Shouldn’t be touched by me
Bad spirit
Bad heart

Do I know why this
            is interesting
            hand hurts now
            stop.

again i meet you,
stand and see you ,
in another's eyes,

again i hear you
sit and listen to the sound of you,
in another's laugh.

again i feel you
reach out and touch you
through another's skin.

again i love you
i turn and hold you
in the closeness of another's arms.

again i smell you,
and kiss you,
and want you,
and find you... again.

will you stay this time
are you real or just a shadow...
of what shall not be.

again.

Dear World,
I apologize
if this seems like a cheap attempt
at romanticizing
something that is
already dead.

but i must at least
try and put down
my feelings of joy and love
before they are all too quickly drowned
in the sea of bitterness
pain and hate.

I must first write
about how gentle
his kisses were
how strong and tender
his touch was,
how much love i saw
when i looked in his eyes.

(before i turn and call him,
devils spawn,
son of a gun
worthless good for nothing.)

I should mention
his words of love
his meaningful
promises
and how i needed
to believe him

(before i say out loud
how deceitful he was,
lying pond-****.)

I'll try to tell you,
how it felt to be
loved by him
and to love him back
how strong we were
how we both let this go

(before i dump the weight of guilt at his door,
and sum it all with its his fault)

i will say now and here,
how much I love him
still
and how much i miss him
and wish him well
and want him back.

(then for sure i will walk out tall
and proclaim my disenchantment
and wish a plague of a thousand years on him,
and tell the world i do not love him
and never will)

so world again forgive me,
for this confusion
that i add
to your foray of days
but i must.

and I sold my brother
for the weight
of fame
***** my mother
in my quest for
power
I stole my fathers name
for the wealth
it bore
and yet still I am...

please...
  find me my faded dreams
  and neutered childhood
  and restore them to me.

search for my
  wide eyed innocence,
  my shrinking violet,
  and console them.

dig deep for my
  buried heart
  and its frantic fancies,
  and return it.

look hard for my
  clouds of tears,
  their storms of sorrows
  and blow them past.

part my waters
  of relentless pain,
  and denied chances


and give me love.
   please...