Hoyden

Perched in a tree
high aloft her mystic mountain
a hoyden sits
wrenching daisies from her hair

She cackles as they cascade
down to earth
Fluttering in a last attempt to fly

The last recognizes defeat,
alighting on the forest floor

She bursts from her throne
crashing atop the petals she’s discarded

Whooping, she stands,
brushes off her dirt covered skirt

Some day, I will be free

I’ve never been good at writing eulogies
and I forbid myself to say Adieu
It’s always been see you later, Alligator
or after while, Crocodile
It’s nothing so blunt as Goodbye
Because Goodbye is not open ended
and goodbye does not leave room for next time
and goodbye is finite
and I live for infinite moments
stretched out beyond our galaxies
for forever to kiss in the palm of it’s hand

And you ruined my infinity
**** inconvenient horse
Not only did you say goodbye
kiss my old sweatshirt until it was covered in dirt
filthy my face with your nuzzling antics
but you said, mom, I don’t wanna go
and on two broken legs,
you followed me around
and pleaded, mom, I can do it
I just need some time

**** it, horse, don’t you understand
I cannot give you more time
I cannot let your agony stretch into eternity

I can kiss your head so many times
that I forget what I taste like
and remember only you

I can breath in your scent so many times
that I can no longer smell the air around me
but only your sweet stench

And I can hold on to memories so long
until they crowd my vision
and I can see nothing else

But I can only say goodbye once
And you knew this, so you said goodbye
enough times for the both of us

I have never been good at writing eulogies
and I hate saying Adieu
but Summer, I will bend the rules today
just to say I love you
and
Goodbye.

Summer, you were anything but ordinary
you kept me on my toes

I mean, how many horses can say
that they were sling loaded out of a canal
because they were too enamoured with the water
that they refused to leave

And how many horses could say that
They spent a weekend herding geese
just because it was fun

And how many horses
had the guts
to try and scale a wall
with a broken leg
just because I asked them too

Just one, Summer
and that one would be you

I never thought death could be graceful
and
I never thought passing could look so serene

I’d heard all the horror stories
and I’d seen some myself
but you my dear Summer,
couldn’t be like all the rest

Before your body kissed the dirt one last time
you didn’t crumple, and your knees didn’t buckle
you simply gave me one last breath
A final goodbye
before swiftly laying down

When a large animal falls,  
It’s traumatic
but when your body hit the ground
stars fell out of the sky
they made room for your presence
and they showed you where to go
So that when you graced them with your appearance
illuminated the sky with your glow
I could still trace your tail,
brighter than the moon
as you became a star

Daddy, I have grown up and
Daddy, I have become a woman and
Daddy, I do not need you anymore
I have learned to live without your love
to starve myself from your embraces
because I got tired of expecting something
that wouldn't ever come
Exhaustion is a beast
it eats up all your reserves
and greedily asks for more, but
Daddy, my soul has no more to give
I have nothing left to feed it
mo more energy to devote to waiting anymore
I am broke
and you never came
And I wish I could have packed up
and moved on, but
Daddy, I never heard you say it,
I am proud of you
Five single syllable words
Oh, I heard them plenty
when I had gotten an a
or when I won a medal
Or when I did
something so spectacular
that I was lucky to wear your last name
but, Daddy, what about all the other days
you were only proud of me
when I made you look good
so what about my car crash
what about my fractured fingers
what about the times I broke my heart
So they weren't my crowning glory
and they definitely weren't my favorite memories
but they're still mine, and they still define me
And I don't know, can you be ok with that?
Can you look at me, busted head and all
and say, I am proud of you?
Daddy, I have grown up and
Daddy, I have become a woman and
Daddy, I do not need you anymore but
Daddy, that doesn't mean I want you to leave

I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to cover
the list of apologies I have to make to you,
but that won’t stop me from trying

I’m sorry that I let you fall in love with me
opened my arms and welcomed you into Hell

I’m sorry I didn’t warn you
I am not an angel
I’m a time bomb in disguise
and the closer you came, the faster I ticked
until my world lit up in an array of technicolor fireworks
worthy of a Texas Bicentennial Independence Day celebration
with you as my Grand Finale

I’m sorry I’m a creature of habit,
because although I say enough
I really mean I need you more and,
Darling, that is not fair
Because you need space to become yourself again
and I need fresh air before I stitch up the pieces of my life
I desecrated just through being myself

Oh, yeah, and I’m sorry I’m myself
because myself is never going to be good enough
or pretty enough
or perfect enough
for you parents and
no matter how hard I try
they’ll always be wishing
that you had dated my best friend instead
and I’m not sure you can live with that
so I'll leave before I hurt you worse
and with my dignity still in tact

but I’m also sorry for saying goodbye
because all I can think about is how nice
it was to belong to someone
and now I can’t even look at you
without my heart exploding into fireworks
wishing we were still there
staring up at the stars and
promising each other eternity
saying that as long as the big dipper shown
we wouldn’t stop loving each other

I’m sorry I kept that promise
because even though I said goodbye
left the best thing that had ever happened to me
I. Still. Love. You.

So I’m sorry for all the unwanted pain
unnecessary heartbreak
unneeded audius

I’m sorry my love isn’t ever going to be good enough

I love you doesn't encompass the warmth that spreads through my soul
I love you doesn't realize the need for your friendship
I love you is so generic, so simple, that it really has little at all

I want to say that with you,
the world is at my fingertips,
with you I feel alive,
with you my heart races a nascar driver's and wins.

I love you doesn't amount to much, it's three simple words,

But then again, no words ever do.

Because words are lost in seas of actions, and
picture's speak a 1000 times faster in their 5x7 frames

But it's the look of your eyes,
the caress of your touch, that says I love you,
So much more infinitely than I could ever dream

And I'm left sitting here,
scrawling down syllables,
trying to capture the infinity that is emotion.