I hated doors when I was a kid
I hated the floors
And pots with a lid
Comfort and ease were always at stake
That's why carrots and peas were last on my plate
The older I grew it was strange to see
The more that I knew made the world more for me
So, focused on self and with visions of wealth
I lead with my passions
And needed no help

To my dismay I remembered those doors
The light through the crack seeping in through the floors
It's funny to think how without that small light
I'd grow fearful of all the unknowns of the night
I wonder what changes in minds of young men
When the switch to "I've made it"
Gets flipped in their head
All grown
And strong ***** stands a man so he thinks
Looks at his dealings through blind eyes that blink
Ahhh
But he's married
This would fix it he thought
The baggage I've carried can now be dropped off
She'll make me happy
And I'll give my best-
Seize without failing;
Save and invest
Dollars he thought...
"Why's she upset?"
By this time next year all our needs will be met
Know in your heart the real reason she cries
You're a well seasoned vet in promise turned lies
With justified thoughts and a rationalized soul
The tempter comes gleaning
Sold!
For pure gold
And after awhile the young man looks back
Again,
Remembers the light spilling in through that crack
The comfort it brought to a scared fragile mind
Now lost in his years of "I'll take what's mine"
There's always a story
Someone else's we want
To me be the glory
Amen.
I've been bought!

I saw the writing on the wall, forever slow upon the draw
Its just the beginning- the beauty of infancy,
celebrating the baby’s first steps.
At times I need a minute just to catch my breath, at other times I feel so ever quick to cash in all my chips.
I question if you’ve felt the same.
My past is riddled with a longer list of what consists of shame- in terms of pennies on the dollar,
I’m the brokest of the lame.
I’ve had the aims of matchless flight,
I’ve fought the battles not to fight,
but on this night you’ve rattled cages,
and exposed just how shamelessly, what’s good is truly right.
Still I’m caught off guard when petrified beyond a breath.
Calm my trembling hand,
Please build a man who’s firm to stand,
I beg you’d loosen up my grip
Before I slip and fall on sinking sand.
I get shattered bones when struck by beauty;
Should I touch?
Is this forbidden fruit?
Is she the tree of Eden’s garden?
Has my fear become a crutch?
Can I be trusted
when there’s lust?
Am I disqualified from love?
Cause in this moment I’m completely incapacitated by this drug.
I flee from struggle, it’s a challenge.
Are there habits not to quit?
Yet there’s something different here,
It’s unique in how it shifts.
I watch these movements closely,
while I’m fearful of the critics eye.
Terrified that I’ve become, what I have known, who I despise.
Frustrated to the core when little foxes nip and pick,
At what I know is crafty workings of a gardener with gifts.
They come to feast the choicest fruits, they gnaw and nibble at the roots-
if I had any sense at all, I’d buy the biggest pair of boots;
three sizes bigger then what fits and tie them tighter than a noose;
go trouncing through that garden;
not thinking twice about the fact that “oh, those foxes seem so cute.”
I’d kick them hard and send them running- one by one, then two by two.
Exhausted in the end, but maybe then we’d have our chance to rest.
Not alone, but now together- we’d be closer non the less.


Catch the foxes for us father, cause even if I give my best.
My self sustaining effort will not help us past this test.

Passionately in love with language, with the irony of how I only speak one.
Minutes... hours... days...
Months...
years...
I wonder who you've become.
You couldn't stay.
I understand.
I wouldn't say I had a plan.
You knew your course and I was drifting...
Infinitely shifting I was missing all at stake.
Caught inside those minutes,
Stuck behind those lonely days.
Sometimes I go walking
There I look to find your face.
Different strangers passing by
Another time
Another place.
Across the lake I spread my glance
Where tucked away are quiet homes.
I contemplate the times I once saw us with our own.
There upon the shimmer of the hopeful golden rays
Are the days of summer dimmer
Where I test the waster's grave.
Dreams turned to regret
I'd have far rather seen mistakes
Yet you know most of all
I'm too quick to give insecurity it's space.
Now the pavement echos back with every step I dare to take
I've lost track of what I'm counting so I listen...
Hear the hum of roller skates.
Soothing as I walk
To think of conversations past
Far too painful when we talk
Knowing we aren't meant to last.
I watch a fisher cast
Think of what I hoped to catch
If I'd have known it'd be this long I'd have drawn on every breath.
Make it last
Make it last...

The pen can strike much deeper than the sword.
Yet the sword will always have its place.
It deserves the utmost respect.
Like a solider who sets out to meet his foe- he recognizes his enemy and acknowledges its power.
He's prepared for every blow.

Know your place and learn your stance.
Be ever quick to hold your tongue.
The man behind a rifle analyzes every angle before he pulls the trigger on that gun.

Both a bullet and a word can send a ripple in effect.
Make no mistake in all your judgments
they may stretch the length of death.

Pressing on into the future yet we never know what's next.
What does tomorrow hold?
Take a guess, and I assure you it's as good as mine will ever be.

I see a man behind a desk;
he conjures up a thought.
I see a soldier set in battle;
he's prepared to take his shot.

You see before the lights go out, there's always work yet to be done.
As the clock continues racing,
set your pace against the sun.

Take aim.
Your opponent is at the ready.

And so...
moreover- there came a time I thought
we should talk
But lessons in love,
are the lessons
it seems we're not told
or taught.

They're learned in time,
and the pain does lose its sting,
Well...
that depends.

I heard there was an interest;
On her part,
But that was quite some time ago.
Shorty after,
There was another interest.
I still haven't met him face to face.
But in that time I have truly met you.

There's something about timing,
How I can't get it right-
Now I'm tired.

Tired of dropping you off,
Saying goodnight, while not being able to say,
what's true on my mind.
Tired of waiting for break ups.

It probably won't happen and I'd be better off to just grow a pair.
Honesty...?
Well honestly-
I have thought about us.
I've thought about talking,
That's when I get stuck.
You don't bring him up.
Why won't she tell me?
Are you two in love?

Last time...
The only time-
You said you were, "unsure."
And I don't ever trust my interpretations.

So,
I hold on to hope.
Hope that there's strain;
A tension you face.
Relational strife of the misguided type,
The kind that you'll question-
Is this relationship right?

What a horrible hope.
I know.
It makes me a ****.
What a tragically sinful idolatry slip.
But that's just me; always taking the throne.
It's not bad I don't like being or feeling alone.
Nor do I think it's good.

I would rather be confident, trustworthy and true.
Secure in real meaning, not "what if’s" of you.

Because without that,
Would I even be a good fit?
Doubtful.
I know you can't complete me;
I'd be sad to even think, or try.
But still...
I wonder how it would feel,
to sit across the table
on a real
date.
To share nibbles and bites from the meals on our plates-
reaching across- "do you want a taste?"
Hand me a fork with a morsel on end;
if I found it unpleasant, still, I'd pretend.
"Ummm that's good!"
Smile, and hand back your fork.
Then look in the eyes of someone,
who I trust
is my friend.

I guess I care.
I wish I'd dare to fill you in on that truth.
To not be so scared of these problems with youth.

All being said,
I'm left with attempts to let go.
To just move on,
and be content with the fact;
These lessons play the long game.
There's no instant glory, or spontaneous fleet,
And victory comes when we're knocked off of our feet.

So I've learned to take loss as a tally marked win.
Poor judgement call?
Maybe.
I'll find out in the end.

For now,
Let's keep talking.
I'll make prayerful pursuits.
And hope He sees fit...
To pair me with you.