I do not want to be a girl so easily over looked for sleep.
The blessed invitation for your hands to make my planes and valleys your home answered with fear, maybe?
I want to be desirable
I want to be unforgettable
The feeling of rejection stings like scraping fingernails across my deepest insecurities
I want to spit out this feeling into my wineglass.
Instead it is silently swallowed
gathering like bile in my gut
My therapist calls these ANTS
(automatic negative thoughts)
and they whisper desperation
Aching “fill me”, “fill me”
Consume till you feel whole.
I give so much to those who only know how to return less than half.
Remind yourself that you are a storm
and everyone is a walking warning label.
and really we all have spaces to fill
like the area behind me on our friends couch which you take up till you are wrapped around my like a vine
and how I have always loved the resilience of plants, just like I love your arm around me
and you and I are resilient.
each in our own ways I know, because the physical is the physical and the friendship is what we have got
those mornings following your body with mine
your lips on my neck tracing cigarette burns
I have never smoked in my life, it would not ever feel nearly this good.
The light in me sees the light in you
singed at my edges
I want to see more
and
I want to ache less

“Pretty”
You start telling us so young
Not even letting us take time to smell
To sniff of the world we’re in
Before you pull it from our fingertips
Leaving us with “Pretty”
Making us weaker than we really are
Just by saying “Pretty”
Making the poor girl smiling, feel lesser
Making her want or even need to be more
Making her uncomfortable in her own skin
Too uncomfortable to breath
To let out the air
In fear of looking fat
Because you said “Pretty”
But you don’t see it
You don’t see the damage that you’ve done
You won’t see it
Because you don’t take the time to look
Deeper than her flawless skin
Deeper than her penciled-on brows
Deeper than her plastic nose
Deeper than her silicone filled chest
And deep into her heart
Her mind
And her soul
To see that her smile is fake
And it’s only there because you said “Pretty”
When she was so young
Not letting her have the time to smell
To sniff the world she was in
Before you pulled it from her fingertips
Just leaving her with “Pretty”

When you break five beer glasses at work
do not berate yourself
imagine yourself as a young child
she is with you for this instance in your life
would you be as cruel to her as you are to yourself?
You have as much right to let thins shatter at your feet as she does
Do not take this as a mistake
Take this as a subconscious act against the addiction that held you parents in its ugly hands for years
2. If you want to find your joy in speaking to strangers
then allow it
hang out with the boy in Hawaii at 3 am that you just met
discover that his leg resting on yours feels like the warmth of the island
even in the depth of the night
realize that you do not have to miss the cold skin of the boy who was your first everything
you are a girl who needs warmth,
and you are a girl who can find this warmth in others
3. I’ve learned in the past month that the best way to figure out who should be in your life is to love yourself harder than you ever have before and watch for who resents it.
4. Do not apologize for your emotions
You are human
Do not allow someone to tell you that you are lesser because you are angry
Because you are sad
Because you just don’t know
5. Teach people the acceptable way to treat you by reciveing nothing less than what you need
Wear your self-love for all of them to see
Scream it from the rooftops
You are a goddess
You are not to be underestimated
Sharpen your eyes so well that a look will keep them in line
But do not forget to keep your softness as well
Do not harden your heart
Just because they fear your fire does not mean you should douse it
Do you not realize how many other people it keeps warm?

My mother and I
are twin fires

she, a controlled burn
I, a lost wildfire

I was born a mistake from a spark

touch our lives
the wrong way
and be silently scalded

we refuse to dim

without her I would not know how to burn on my own.