Oh, little lost girl.
You have walked;
Left footprints in
Barren soil and
Scorching sand;
Traversed legions
Of unpaved land.

You found beauty
In all of this pain;
When your bones
Kept breaking and
Left trails of blood
On every stone -
You’d step again.

You always step again.

Three words drive the knife in my heart to the hilt.
"I miss you, that's not me trying to guilt, I just want you to know"
But i already know
you wish you could stop me, don't want me to go.
But I'm leaving now because nowhere feels like home.
I miss you's possessive and that's why you let me know.
Holding on tight
I think you should just let me go,
You're not the only one who's lonely,
you don't ******* own me!
You can miss me forever.
I'll continue missing no one ever.
Put pen to paper, continue trying to be clever
"I Miss You"
Whatever.

I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided

Alien or Ghost
I'm really not sure which one
I feel like the most

you know what it is.
the shapeless shadows of a dying youth,

the hollow longing to hear
a voice you know you'll never hear again,
to feel a touch you know
you'll never feel again,
to see a familiar smile except this time
you know it's not because of you.

it's bottles and bottles of empty faces
swaying past you one after another all trying
to fill the gap he left, all trying
to know you as he did
but their arms feel different,
tattered flags on skeletal rods -
their voices sound different,
the cries of vultures circling the air.

you made me lonely,
but lonely for you.
and no matter how many places i see
or how many people i meet i will never
ever stop loving you.

it hits you mid-shower,
as you're half trying to keep soap-suds
out of your eye and half attempting to figure out
if you've got split ends yet -

one minute you're thinking of nothing at all
and the next you suddenly realize,
you love him.
you like him? you love him? the word ceases to matter.

oh god, you love him.

you love him for how the corners of his eyes
crinkle up when he laughs,
for how he cares if you're home safe,
for how the first thing on his bucket list
is for his grandmother to hold his first child.

for how you could sit with him for hours with
nothing but your shoulders touching,
and be complete in the warmth he exudes
in comfortable silence.

for how he talks and how he walks,
for how he looks at you,
for how his eyes seem to have endless depth.

and the funny thing is that you know you've lost the game
but you don't care that you've lost, you don't care
if he loves you back or if he doesn't because
in that moment you have remembered
what it is to love a person not for what they look like
or for what they sound like but for who they are

and the knowledge that after two whole years of bitterness
and hiding away in your shell
you have discovered what it is to love again
and nothing else matters in that moment because
for what it counts you have found yourself again
in loving someone and you realize that

your heart has so much left to give; who you
choose to give it to does not matter as much
as the knowledge that you are capable of loving,
the kind of love that does not fear hurt or pain
but embraces it as part of the essence of love.

you will never be forgotten.
ever.
your name twisted into metaphors and colors and distractions will forever
be painted across pages and pages of her favorite brand of notebook,
no matter how many she burns
there will always be one she forgot,
and she will only find it once she had almost forgotten you.
she will find the one Papyrus notebook
and all of your metaphors and colors and disractions will come flooding back,
just like how the ocean in your eyes
flooded her heart all those years ago.

(you are not mine)

I ride this wave alone.
surfboard.
crash.
drown.

up for air.
breathe again.
eyes open.
sunshine.

feet on sand.
i escaped the pull of pain.
within the waves.
of heartache.

i long for you.
to wrap me in a towel.
your arms.
cradle my small body.

strip out of wetness.
step into heat.
water washing away the fear.
i felt in the sea.

------

(and if you were...)

crawl into sheets.
mattress underneath,
you on top.
all your weight.
pushing me into bliss.

rise.
from slumber.
your body against mine.
warmth and wetness meet again.

chew. swallow.
nourished by grains.
tea,
brew.
wake me further.

my day begins and ends.
with you.
i find my way.
back to your love.

troubled.
over-thinking.
you quiet the noise.
crippled.
you caress this soul.

i meet the sea again.
and you pull me free.
from the waves.
of a scarred brain.
that has seen evil.
and monsters.

you love me regardless.
of my foibles.
and.
you set me free.