everyone
talking,
dreaming,
obsessing
over finding their "missing piece"

what about the girl who has always been whole all on her own?

(does whole have to equal alone?)//

Have you been writing since I left you?
Has the notebook on the dresser been collecting dust?
Has your quill gone without human grasp for the past three months?

Have you kept your brain shut off from your constantly screaming heart?
How is your head lately-
you were fighting those demons pretty violently the last time we spoke.

I'm sorry I left you.
I'm sorry I had to do what I did.

I didn't want you to get hurt.
I didn't want to ever cause you pain.
Please remember that.

It's just that you put me on this pedestal;
and I'm afraid of heights

You thought I could fight your demons, but it was never my fight.

I'll always do what I can to help you, I'll always answer when you call.

I'll be the one jumping and screaming to celebrate when all your demons fall.


I hope you're writing.
I hope your thoughts are being put into ink.

I want to read everything if you'll let me;  someday sooner than you think.

Please keep writing,
it scares the monsters
keeps them at bay.

Please keep writing; one day soon they'll give up and go away.

Until then, know that I am thinking of you,
writing about you,
praying for you.

This battle can be won.
But only when you realize, dear
you're the only one who can make your demons run.//

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm not afraid of people seeing me
Who I am
What I want
What I dream.
I'm not afraid of failing just as long as I can say that I'm trying;
That's more than you ever wanted me to be able to say.

I'm not afraid to laugh,
To cry,
To get hurt.
I'm not afraid to get angry,
To be fragile,
To be breakable.
I'm not afraid to feel all of it
Everything.

I'm not afraid anymore.
Not afraid of you
Of your opinion of me
Of the consequences after I do something you don't approve of.

I'm not afraid of me anymore.
I'm not afraid of anything and everything that makes me
Of the things that can break me
Of the things that consume me.
I'm not afraid of the things I stay up thinking about,
Dreaming about,
Obsessing about.


I'm not afraid anymore
you don't own me.
You never did.//

Secrets 

(v)
Well did he tell you the one about the brown haired girl? 
Different girl, different world 
Did he tell you he would invite her over, wait til you were gone and then ******* both over
Three days before he offers a ring, do you know who he offered his bed to?

(c)
I didn't think you knew about his secrets 
The lies he's been telling you 
I know you think he's perfect
Just want to let you know it isn't true 

I know you wanted him to love you
Sometimes I really think him to
But I just want to let you know, dear 
His secrets will haunt the both of you 

(v) 
Did he tell about the one
Where you and he would have a fight 
And then he would get all lonely 
And invite her over that very night

Did he tell how he fooled her
Into thinking he really cared 
And she just fell right into it 
Bet you didn't know there was history there 


(b)
And I'm not trying to sway you 
Not trying to change your made up mind
I really want you to be happy 
But I just think you deserve better than lies

She read poetry books and stopped to smell the flowers.
Not the roses, like the expression-
She always thought they were a little strong and quite frankly smelled like dirt trying to impersonate flora-
But she literally stopped when she saw a beautiful flower, walked to it and inhaled and she gazed on its beauty.
It's innocence.
She was innocent.
So everyone had always said.
She didn't feel innocent.
Though she never had bad intentions toward any breathing thing, she always felt her mind to be a battleground and honestly, a little bit messy.
Never quite sure what the sides were, and even still more unsure of who she should want to win.
Since they were both part of her, how could she determine which part of her was unworthy of glory  while the other reveled in victory?
"You're so innocent" they would say.
She would chuckle slightly and reply with "oh please, you have no idea" (the usual, ever-repetitive twenty-three year old response)
And they would scoff.
But they didn't.
They didn't have any idea.
No one ever had been able to see.
How this queen was her own villain and how her nightmares ran parallel to her dreams.//

they were different.
they were the sun and the moon, and the rest of the world stars.

both magnificent from a distance,
but very few were made to be close to them.

they were both bright in their own senses,
she possessing unparalleled grace and he being the essence of mystery.

they, of course, were attracted to each other.
like magnets though, if one was pushing and one was pulling they were unstoppable.
but if they both put out force simultaneously they sometimes repelled each other.

they never could quite figure it out, why love and hate seemed to sometimes run together;
why they longed to wake up next to each other every morning but never wanted to see the other again at the same time

why they felt so bright standing alone but so often eclipsed when next to the other.

they couldn't help that they were so passionate about their own worlds but so indifferent toward the others.

they couldn't quite grasp any of it.

they were different.

they were different because she longed to be light, and he always insisted on being darkness//

there's this certain feeling I get in the car.
When it's dark out, the windows are down and the music is loud.
this feeling in the pit of my stomach like I've reached it; my goal, my destination, my true happiness.
like I'm living in a dream.
like my heart is floating above my body, watching myself like I'm in a movie.
speaking of movies, they sometimes have a reminiscent feel.
late night conversations in the dark would be the closest second.

that's what my whole life has been about.
surrounding myself with people, circumstances, places that feel like that.
that feel like music.

most people don't understand,but I've never been willing to stop. I won't stop chasing it. I can't.
it's what keeps me going.
I hate the silence.
the melodies, for me, are as vital as breathing.
I've never been willing to stop or even slow down because of this.

It isn't personal if I can't stop for you.
I just can't stop chasing the music.

I've never needed anyone to come along. I've never needed anyone to sit in the car with me. I was born for the chase, and more often than not its a one-person gig.
and that's okay.
No one has ever quite understood me, and that is fine.
I'm different.
I've always known.

and if I chase the music alone until my lungs give their very last note, I'll be okay. it's always been just me and the melodies.  

but one day, if I happen to meet someone on the same chase, maybe we will create harmony.
maybe our melodies will go together.
and that will be favorite song.
and I will sing that one forever.//

it's so easy for her,
when she's out alone during the day

she knows her worth,
she sees how she shines

and it's sad when they all come out,
you don't see her anymore

but I wonder;
even though she knows she's the brightest of them all

I wonder
if when the stars are out;
I wonder if the sun ever feels alone//

They were both light.
That's why they were attracted to each other,
why they were so good together.

But the thing most people don't understand about people of the light
is that their dark times are so engulfed in blackness,
their pain so deep in those times
that it's all but unbearable;
It's a wonder they make it out.  

And so if two stars burn out at the same time, and if for a while there is no light in either of them, they lose each other whilst trying to find themselves.//

(not finished, in memory of my grandparents, I miss you both

a hundred pictures on her walls, a million more in her head; that girls soul has a thousand words for every one she's ever said.//

My Sleeping Symphony

He was so intricately composed;
I would sometimes stare, in awe of this melodic form that lay next to me.

His heartbeat, the gentle metronome that his existence kept in tune with.

His breath was the purest voice my ears had ever heard. His words (when he was awake) were my favorite chorus; I would listen incessantly.

I could hear the music when I touched him,
I could hear the notes as my fingertips traced the curves of his skin.

When we kissed the moment before our lips met always seemed like hearing the first note of your favorite song on the way to your favorite place.

He was mine.
We were our own harmony.

His heartbeat was my favorite melody,
His existence was my favorite song.

Oh, but why did he have to sleep so long? //

I've always loved the constellations;
I always felt as though somehow they were mine.

I'll never forget the day I discovered new ones here on earth and how happy I was to know they were actually made with me in mind.

Imagine how my soul smiled when I saw them for the first time.
Imagine how my heart exploded the first time I looked in your eyes.//

so many words hit me deep in the heart,
so many quotes engraved in my soul,
but nothing has ever given me life
quite like the sound of your 'hello'//

She was it.
Everything you've ever looked for.
The sun
The moon
The stars.

The light you search for when you're surrounded by darkness.
The air your lungs long for when you feel like you're drowning.
The only hope you have when the world is dragging you under.

She was everything you'd ever dreamed about.
And you could have had her.
If only you would have believed in yourself.
If only you had asked.

But you let her slip.//

admittedly, some days she was just tired.
some days she just didn't feel like climbing or stretching or even trying at all.
but she knew, as did anyone who had ever met her, that the stars had always been hers.
she just had to reach.

and someday, when you pass her,
sometime when everything seems so normal,
you'll look at her.
and you'll know that one day when you weren't looking, she took what was rightfully hers.
and you'll know that she climbed.//

//she may have a ***** mouth, but her heart is clean
and wasn't it Jesus who hung around the lepers?