I keep thinking I will see you again, my best friend, my love.
The reels in my mind play over and over again, what if...
Each day away, a day of sorrow, in a lonely tale of me.
And you? What becomes of you, I wonder and wonder.
My heart pounds as tears stream silently from eyes that search hopless.
Tears, like you, fall away never to be apart of me again.
Closure they say, is for those who have moved on, estranged ones have no closure here.
Abandoned, left never knowing why, left with all these empty promises.
Those lips I would have kissed forever, the hand which fit perfectly with mine.
The beautiful person I cherished loved and adored, whom I still feel so much for.
May have well been a dream, of which bliss woke up to a nightmare.
I know I need to let you go.
I wonder when I will feel better again.
Always the fool, I will always wish the best for you.
Even if it is not me, beside you.
For you ar never coming back.

I built a fire and burned the baggage you left behind
I packed it up in a warm smoldering smokey haze

                                         Divorce records with the  ex wife
                                         Joint taxes, private school bills
                                        Mortgages, foreclosure credit debt
                                        Child support and EDD claims

        
Photos of happier times placed neatly on the shelf in my closet
Air Force jacket and duffel bag tucked in corner safe
Waiting for their owner to pick them up
I would send them but I have no idea where you are
I should burn it all, but it hurts to think that way
All those years of love notes
Buried in a plethora
Of blue stripes white and yellow
College ruled and blank notebooks
Randomly ambushing memories
When very least expecting.
*The only way around these things is through them

My first love, my blood, my sweetest Mother
Her ravaged body wrapped in white cotton cloth
White so bright as to spill into cancer with light
I brought her white chrysanthemums
Their long petals scooped away the tears
Rising and falling like tides in an ocean of sorrow
We burned incense, we bowed, we embraced change
We were reminded that life is delicate like rice paper
In all of time she was unique as herself, the only one ever
I remembered daisy chains
Sky blue eyes which said they loved me unconditionally
How she stayed in the hospital with me all night
Holding my newborn child
Whispering secrets into her granddaughters ears
Only they will ever know.
I miss her laugh, her pearls of wisdom
" Take it easy on yourself, love "
" Take care of yourself first so that may take care of your daughter"
" Remember you are beautiful, strong intelligent and loving"
I still hear you Mom

Tears stain pen to paper
Blood stains mark old clothes
Nights become quiet
Void of answers
I see emptyness plauge my life
Enough   please
I just want to feel better again
The internet, my twisted and faithful friend
O' how this introverted nature depends on you!
I search for him in all your words
Each heart felt plea
I find him, I find myself, I find you
Instead of being alone
I nestle into your heartache
Reminds me that I, we, are not alone.
Im so grateful not to be alone
Thank you.

How can I expect thoughtfulness from one who doesn't feel ?
I cringe at your definition of friendship
I know you don't know how to be
While you trample on sacred ground
with a head full of high I's
I see you've never known love
I see the writing on the wall
a play not written by you
Repeater of those vanished voices
Ashes at what once was alive
Resentment passes landing on your doorstep
Careful trotting on rotten floor boards
To lose yourself in dream killing doors
Excuses will not fill the void
Stumble around in a cloud
Clenched teeth
Hurting
Hoping in mirrors and ghosts for salvation
You're living a lie... time is tick ...ticking by

I would spend a thousand days alone if regret dismissed my company
I would return a thousand romantic nights for one with solace
I would take back all my kisses not to have your taste linger in my mouth
I would tell you all my secrets for your truths
I would let you hold me if you would show me how to let you go
I would give you back your empty promises for the hope I filled them with.
I would not want back my love for you, *have mine even if I don't have yours

This sea of sorrow we swim in keeping our heads above to breathe is a fight, life is fragile and un promised to us all. Like waves in the ocean or the turning of the cosmos , change unravels if we want it to or not.
I  hope solace finds a way into the coldest depths of sadness, hope a beautiful human feeling burns and weeps in each of us. The relationships we have with those departed is always with us growing as we do, personalized and meaningful  in our hearts and minds, touched by the light of life we appreciate our own endeavors and those closest to us more. No better a way to appreciate, to give thanks to and also to feel the compassion our cherished friends give us every day.  There is no better inspirations or sacrifice. Andy, so many here moved by you, as we will always be. Thank you for being the inspiration guiding us. You are hope.

"May the road rise to meet you" someone once said
Taking another thought added "safe travels ahead"
All these words I wish for him, I really do
Even when tears fall like fresh morning dew
Just tac on this wish please, oh remember!
Forget me not when seeing the fire's ember
Take with memories fond and light on your chest
Careful to take only those you like best
Leave the rest, lighten your load
So you may walk swift and easy upon life's windy road.

I see you so often in my dreams,
working magic by being close it seems. It's hard to believe you've gone away, that I'll never get to see you, with my hair all grey. But I'll never have to decide for you which treatment you may need or have to put you in a home because your mind had seized. I always worried that someday I'd explain that I need to take away your keys, and that you'd look at me in pain. Those are the only positives I can muster with your loss, I can list those with a half smile because I'd feel uncomfortable being boss. Love for me in this world, went down dramatically when you left, for who loves unconditionally and who knows best? I can only weep and mourn you just like I had with mom and hope to god I'll see you both, in the ever after beyond. I am so very thankful, been lucky enough to have had such a loving and awesome dad.

Day sleep, night sleep, inbetween restroom and something to eat
Hows this much sleep even possible?
It's a special type of willpower  
To live in dreams
To pick up right where it stopped with the sound of the alarm clock
I just don't want to wake up and face a memory in your place
In dreams you are there always
We may not always get along
At times your face becomes twisted and obscure
More like a feeling than a face
Sometimes you remind me to wake up.

A pact was made in a creek under the conopies of green trees
the water cool and the air fresh with life
You asked for my hand, placing it by your beating heart
promise never to let go, we'll find our way through the dark
I never questioned your intention, Believing with all I am
Every word off your lips. I  the sacrificial lamb
Words in our hearts forever not to break or fade
On my heart, you carved your initials with a blade
Not the promise but its keeper not the promised but the weeper
The creek has run dry. the air thick with regret.

We would lay together, life's puzzle had been solved
you moved me without touching, we spoke without saying a word
shooting stars and moon beams coveted the bluest of blues
each tiny flickering light held a promise so divine
It was exactly where we were supposed to be, a perfect symmetry
The tarot got it right, the oracle of late nights
The beauty of knowing that you were a part of my life
hurts me to the point of respect of appreciation
Hinders my logical thought, for without you my love
is the last place I ever wanted to be
I pictured an old couple that would someday feel the burden of love
but that someday well worth the years i had planned around us
Is it my fault for loving someone more than myself?

I stand mute in a world of muted colors
I can't help but feel I'll never love again
honestly I don't think I will
I'm  tired and worn out
I fancy the thought of being alone.
The burden of caring that ruined my capability of loving
the damage you've inflicted on the girl who's never hurt you
Left scars no one can erase
Yet within this faded world I live
I'm lost without a trace

Covet me with comfort in your voice
I wait to listen see the sound
Delight sweeps across our faces
the scent of your full lips
pressed hot against mine
Have I ever been this close to another?
To find myself in your eyes
To find you in my eyes
Our gaze like two seas
symmetrical with no boundaries
where one ends the other begins
Lead me I want nothing more
Hold me I need nothing more
I'm happiest gazing at you
My love my Master

Light shines upon a sharpened switch blade
He smiles quickly, sinking it in my heart
Smoke rolls in, the room is dark.
Metal sliding againsed flesh
to the bone a ****** mess
Eat my heart out, build a tomb
you beautiful wrecker of homes
My hands bound, voice muted, no way to signal
given all, the last drop, no breath left to mingle
He knew, so cruel
never shedding the whys
the man with the knife never
said goodbye.

How many times did slow words drip
Sweetly, quite lovingly like honey from your lips
The words I could catch, I ate them up with a kiss
There were many from daydreaming, I  did miss
Added up like taffy and getting more sticky as time moved
We've become bound, entangled in words unproved
Lashing out, pointing fingers, who made this mess?
Both shamed to blame for not giving our best

Being Tickled
Absurd moments of fustration
nervous times
insanity, madness
and stupid jokes.

Pleading, I asked,  " What is love to you?"
Quietly listening, searching the darkness
Trembling  hands pressed againsed shut eyes
Waiting in swirls of colors
"Love means I would DIE in your place, I would die for you."
And just like that, he was gone
Eluded me in the middle of September
My only point of reference has a for sale sign in the yard
Old friend, old love, you have died for me?
He said, "Forget me, pretend I don't exist."
How do you suppose I do that?
He didn't care to ask what love was to me
Think the dead can hear?
They just don't care, I fear.
Lend me an ear
Love is the morning sun
Pouring over a thriving mountain top
Bright beams of golden light
Flooding the darkness
Sparkling off the cold dew
Warming my face, warming you
Energy abundant , lifts blindness
Feeding fruitful beauty intrinsic
Flourishing life every which way
At the end of day
Night pouring darkness like a cup
Hold me and be warm, I'll never let go
Dream of another day, fight through the cold
Fear not death or growing old
Celebrate life, it may be our only chance
When the time comes to die it will be the last dance
I hoped you knew
I will live with or without you.

Dream a dream of me
Wait till I've gone
Out of sight with eyes open
Closed you're permanently there
You promised to always be
This is what you must have meant
Popping up in dreams to say hi
Reminding over how you moved mountains
These stray emotions unwanted and thrown aside
Ill tell them again the foods run dry and the old lady died
To find another home where someone cares
To forget the dream when the wake comes

It must be great to be one of your shape
who's not a particular shape at all
Troll around, flip floppy, like a four sided ball.
An oval, you wish! Maybe an octogon, or a blob, so long as it's hip.
Can't you tell by that chip?
It's the one up your ***... If you call it an ***...
Oh, snap! That's your face?!  
Wow, where the **** is your soul?!
What!.? you aint got one?
Nor an opinion of your own
Too many points your trying to make man
grow a pair momma's boy get out of her hole,
**** it's pathetic when squares try to roll.

For when loved, with every facet of the soul
From all one could give, a broken heart in toll
Memories like little ghosts riding atop of sparrows
holding beating fluttering hearts bound by cupids arrow
Promises believed to the core of what one loves and knows
set ablaze these once gifts now fire and smoke bestows
An impression of time imprinted within
carries sorrow heavy by the weight of misfortune
One step at a time, one moment to rhyme
Striving away that beautiful love unto death in our prime.

Absconded and stolen an unchangeable minute in time
You've taken all the answers, all but the pain.
This sorrow lies distasteful and lingering like a hangover.
I've come full circle
The questions are the answers
Turn up the silence think on it no more.

Winter comes falling crashing from the sky
Picking up clouds whisking them by
Strands of hair give way in our embrace
Dancing around your golden green eyes
Floating across your face
This a perfect dream on a perfect day
In welcoming outstretched arms we sway
Silently we say, You are mine, I am yours
Veneration from us pours
A perfect man, my master
My apotheosis of love
My gaze rising up, to you towering above
Lost in those eyes like light to black holes
Unescaping uncaring even if space time folds
It just doesn't get any better than here
Now I see my future so clear.

A sleepy haze of yellows, reds and greens
whispering from rooftops
The  air  mad with cold the ground slilly slick
A clumsy climate  breaks words into holograms
Seeding Thoughts into clouds like snow
Nervously the wind whistles emotions colorfully
As the sky crys out like a wound torn open
Look up, see the universe
Marvel at it's beautiful structure
Be in awe of the elements speaking your name

Seven months have tortured, mocked and grayed out my life
Seven months ago I'd bet on my life that I was your wife
With you life rushed fast and colorful not taking a moment
Without you each breath a slow moment farther away
I can't seem to understand  
It's me your best friend
It's me the one who talks herself in circles
Who always waits your reply
Treasure your company
Need your friendship ​
Believe on countless times
Your words wrapped up my heart
In a chorus of love and always and forever
I have my good days
I have more of those bad days
I miss you
So very much

Sitting alone far to much lately
Paralyzed by thoughts of what could be
Meditate through pain hoping to get through sorrow
How many days now things weren't better tomorrow
Wonder and wonder why it just won't end
Starting to wither and break at the bend
It's not feeling better, it's not going away
How many months have I sat in decay
I'm ready to beg get down on my knees
Awesome universe, end this please!
Just want to feel better move on with life
Not sit here in misery night after night

Together we harbored an atmosphere of feelings
    Combined oceans of compassion, depth of character
         Eyes closed we could touch and feel the others joy, pain, love            
             through our embrace we defined a psychometry of soul mates
                An  orchestra of stars playing music only we could hear
                    Yet share with the world as if we could help it
                        Showed anyone who passed or glanced, love abundant
                            How many attracted to our glow did come?
                                Our visible gleaming spectrum of *hearts as one

The stars, the rain, the sun's fire
All my hearts desire
Thinking back on wavering roads
How I never let you go
Found again after countless years
Diminishing all my lonely fears
Love which never faded away
In the background the songs you play
I reach to run my fingers through your hair
I love the way we'd look like a pair of love struck teens
You, the very root of my fantasies, and bad dreams
May countless flowers bloom for you
The sky's warm kisses soft and blue
I've loved no man more
He  had been an open door
welcoming me in from the cold

Thank you for the music, you may be gone but the music is here to stay
Thank you for the endless kisses and perfect hugs
Thank you for loving me when I could not seem to love myself
Thank you for being my best friend
Thank you for the memories which keep me company on these lonely nights
Thank you for the lessons you've taught me
Thank you for always being perfectly you
Thank you for having been a part of my life
Best wishes to you, my love.

Eyes look down so low
It appears the sidewalk frowns
When thinking upon you

I play for the win but lose just the same