I do not fear the usual

Like monsters under my bed

Or flying in a plane

What makes my palms sweat

And my heart thrum

And my body shake
Instead, is quite small


And most don’t understand

The fear it causes
Knocking on a stranger’s door

Asking customer service for help 

Or making a phone call

Answering a question wrong 

Picking up a prescription

And ordering fast food
Simple tasks that anyone can do

That should be easy 


Make me squirm
Anxiety doesn’t choose obvious fears

That other people will understand

And help me with

Anxiety chooses the little things

That no one will really get

And maybe they’ll think it’s weird

So I’m left standing all alone

In a grocery store or super market

Terrified out of my mind

My hands are getting shaky
My heart is beating fast
I really just want out of here
How long will this last

I hear some people laughing 
I bet it's right at me
I tried to look my very best
Is there something I can't see

My head is getting dizzy
My lip squeezed beneath my teeth
I wish I had my hoodie
Something to hide beneath

I heard somebody say my name
Oh please don't make me talk
Maybe they won't notice me
If away from them I walk

My hands are getting kinda shy
So I pull down my sleeves
My lungs are getting kinda stuffy
I really want to leave

They're looking in my direction
Guys, staring isn't nice
I know I'm not the prettiest
I cried about it last night 

I become a little more frantic 
I can't speak even if I try
I'd do anything to get away
Even if it means I have to die

Out of class; out of state; out of mind. Carelessness implied; wrong questions with answers to find.

And perception viewed and seen as shame. But, coming from the shadows, I say I'm not to blame. Only if strangers knew the real side of things. As anxiety expands and spreads its wings.

So my disposition would be clear. And people would know I believe in fear. It is represented through a single tear. People aren't prophets, they're not seers.

And that might be the reason I hold composure. Knowing there aren't cameras; no exposure. No bright lights as the clouds part. A notion that stings and steals my heart.

With all that said I wonder why I feel lost. When my mood dictates weather, and the earth sees frost. So yes, I act cold. Some see bold.

But that is the farthest from the truth. I'm just the image of confused youth. The mental equivalent of mental abuse. Yes...confused.

It brings my mind to a bind. As I state: Out of class; out of state; out of mind.

Sorry I fail at communicating.
    Sometimes I get nervous when I talk; my words don't always come out right.
Sorry about the thing I said.
     I promise it didn't sound that way in my head; I'm trying to get better at that, I promise.
Sorry I'm bad at having conversations.
     I care a lot about what you think of me. Sometimes I get scared that I'll say something wrong, so I won't say anything at all. This is one of those times.
Sorry I don't speak a lot.
      I'm really interested in what you're talking about, I just can't think of things to say right now.
  Some toddlers can hold conversations better than I can.
  Thanks for putting up with me anyway.

I've been losing a lot of weight recently, and I fully understand why.
It's not because I feel like my stomach's to big, or there's to much fat on my thighs...

It's because I don't eat my lunch-- no this isn't a plea for help.
All this is is a chance for someone to explore my mental health.

The lunch bell rings and I trudge my way to the cafeteria day by day.
Head straight to the line, grab my sandwich, milk and head on my way.

Beeline to the seat before anyone notices me.
Sit down, take one bite and then I start to see.

I can't help but look around when I'm sitting there all alone.
Or feel the stares back at me as if I'm sitting in the danger zone.

You see nobody pays much attention when you're with a clique or a group,
but the moment no one is with you, all heads turn as if they're stuck on a loop.

And when you're like me- battling with social anxiety,
Every stare can feel like a dagger, you begin to feel each eye as if you were all that mattered.

After maybe one bite of my lunch I'd get up quickly, toss away my tray and leave.
Head bowed down hoping that no one still notices me.

But leaving the cafeteria I find myself back on a battle ground
For I still have to sit in silence, waiting for the lunch bell to sound.

When you go through three weeks like this, something begins to catch your eye.
You're no longer filled out, every breath becomes a sigh.

But even then you know you still can't help yourself
You're stuck in a battle, get away from the stares or help your health.

Paranoia, Frighten, Crowds, Petrified
I Can't Deal, I Cannot Cope, Frozen In Place
Moving Through, Crowds Of Many, No Method
No Order, Push, Shove, Bump Me, Help

Someone Help Me, This Crowd, Suffocate
Sweaty Palms, Drip Drip, Where Am I
Why Am I Here, Why Leave the House
What Am I Doing, No Safety, Where's Home

Someone Save Me, I Need To Escape
Breathe Breath, Remember To Breathe
I Need A Way Out, Anxiety Attack
Bad Choices, Don't Move, No Hope

I Can Not Do This, I Must Leave
I Need Out, Looks Of Judgement
Musn't Do This Again, HELP HELP!
Petrified, Crowds, Frighten, Paranoia

trying to get by with high anxiety
I cry to the sky, why are you trying me
hiding from the grind of my society
I have my mind set on finding privacy

I've tried my best at buying entirety
dying inside, my pride is fighting me
impropriety as a light, my irony
wiping away my right to piety

Placed on the spot, People walking by
Eyes shift to my direction,
Snickering and smiling
My anxiety rising
Trying to grip reality,
My superficial temple artery starts pounding, as my heart rate rises.

I can't take this any more I must find the door.

I am a snail I like to go slow and stay behind.
I wish I was a video tape so I could hit rewind.
I'm not the person I used to be.
I hate that I feel like it's just me.
I am a turtle and I hide in my shell.
I do not like it when people yell.
I do not like the outside.
I just stay home and say at least I tried?
I am  a rat you may not even know I'm there.
It's okay I know you don't even care.
I know all I do is fear it .
But I haven't lost all of my spirit.