i remember

the warmth i felt
the euphoria
something i’d never felt before
there in your arms
with your heartbeat in my ear
you were alive to me
i could hear it for myself

i closed my eyes
keeping it
my hand on your chest
eyelids flutter
smiling
my cheeks hot
that warmth everywhere

i feel you look down at me
watching
i knew i mattered
in that moment
i gave in

that feeling

so ephemeral
i knew it wouldn’t last
with you
i was right to want to preserve it
it really was but a moment
one moment
gone

the sound of my own breathing gives me comfort
tells me i’m still alive
even though i can’t feel it

empty, hollow
full of air, of tears, of ice
of something missing

all the heat leaves me
through my eyes
shivering in the negative space

falling
into the dark
behind everything and everyone

forgetting to keep my head up
i let myself slip
just like everyone else

forgetting to remind myself i’m worth something
i’ve seen the truth
i’m nothing, in everything

when you kissed me on the forehead, before leaving after I lost my virginity to you

when you told me you wouldn’t let me have him over when you knew it would only destroy me further, that you’d tell my dad i was having a party when i was home alone

when you told me you’d always stay up to talk to me, that i wasn’t bothering you at all

when you texted to make sure i was okay after we got pulled over at 2 am and our dads had to come get us

when you said i was too unique to ever let go, and you stayed on the phone with me while i cried about my parents

when you told me i knew about the world more than anyone else you knew

when you wrapped your arms around me and stayed like that for the whole fire drill because i didn’t have a coat

when you told me to stop, because you couldn’t bear to fall in love again

when you were the only one who would ask if i was okay when i’d just started on my new medicine that summer

when you told me to just go outside and look at how beautiful the moon was, the night you got lost

when you said he’d gone on a date with a girl from his work in california, and that it wasn’t always about him

when you told him not to tell me about those girls who said he deserved better than me

It’s been lonely here in my mind
without you

When the night comes
I wish I could hear you
But
things come between

I wonder
if I occupy your mind
as much as you do mine

It’s cold
and dark

I miss you.

i cannot believe you’re this fickle and pissy to me after everything. who was the only one there for you after madison decided you weren’t worth her time? who made sure you ate when you wouldn’t even come to school? who watched out for you and answered for you when people asked you what’s wrong, why you were carrying that book around everywhere? who listened to you rant about how eero doesn’t understand loyalty and doesn’t get you at all when he spoke to madison one day in latin? who got you off and bore the brunt of your disgust at yourself because you’d cheated on emily? christ, oh emily, oh perfect, flawless, god-like emily. emily who partied and lost control and got drunk nearly every weekend and yet you still loved her. who could talk to and be with and **** with anyone she wanted and you still loved her. what that would have been like. but if i speak out about how i should have freedom? about how who i choose to be with should have no effect on you? about how i ******* want to still be friends with meredith who was ***** and who had marks all over her body and who couldn’t feel her ******* ****** when she woke up?
don’t ******* talk to me about loyalty, stuart. you’ve been my best friend and i love you and i want the best for you always and i don’t expect anything from you, i never have, but this shows that we are just fundamentally different. i’m not able to understand why i never deserved your respect and why nothing i could do would ever change the fact that i’m expendable to you. but i’m not sorry that i’m done with it.

who are you?
a different you for everyone.
what’s really there?
i don’t think even you know.

i wake up, emotionless.
like falling, hips to a concrete floor.
like cold fingers through my hair.
everything is loud and frozen.

i shiver.
i remember how you smell
and realize it won’t ever be the same.
i thought i’d want to know your past, to know you.
i wish i’d never dove in
head first to the ice.

i don’t know if i can blame you
if you know what you’re doing
if you think about it.
i just know i’m hurt
and confused.

i thought i’d be safe
from the ground.
when the sky promised rainbows
it was really hiding thunder.

what’s the point?

I feel you with me
Let’s just be together
So it’ll leave

I want to be young
with you
Get lost in the empty air

Feel my stomach drop out
As I look up at the dark
I feel you with me

To fill up with a smile for an hour
And feel you with me
So it’ll leave

I know it haunts you too

the pills don't do anything
and i'm lying here with my stomach convulsing
and i'm choking on all the memories
all the times you were happy and i was happy and i knew you. and it's like nothing matters anymore and i can't stop thinking about every time you made me smile because now i fall asleep with you in my head and i dream about you and i wake up and you're still there
but all you do now is just make me cry because i know i did this. and i keep thinking about graduation like it's going to hurt so much when i finally have to leave you

but you're already gone