i remember those days when we would walk for hours and hours under the hot, beating sun with no destination in mind. nowhere to go, no one to see. just you, me, and the sun.

our bones were brittle, our cheeks were flushed, our bodies were sore. but we didn’t care. we had stopped caring about the little things.

we would laugh until our lungs burned and wake up every day thinking, “god, this really is a beautiful world if you make it one.”

we would smile until our cheeks hurt and pray that it would rain so we could dance in it.

we would sing until our throats were like sandpaper and lie down in the grass at night and look up at the stars.

we were wild.

we were beautiful.

we were free.

we were lost, but god, we were free.

one day you woke up and something shifted inside your heart and you said that you didn’t believe this was a beautiful world. you didn’t believe in you, or me, or us.

you didn’t want to laugh until your lungs burned or smile until your cheeks hurt or sing until your throat was like sandpaper.

you didn’t want to dance in the rain or look up at the stars.

one day i woke up and you were gone.

no note. no explanation. no goodbye. just gone.

you are gone, and i am still here.

i am still here, but now i wake up every morning wondering how i could have ever seen this world as beautiful.

i only like the rain now because it makes the sun a little more bearable (i’ve stopped dancing in it).

i don’t pay much attention to the stars anymore. all i know is that they make me feel just a bit less lonely.

it’s just me and the sun now, though sometimes i can feel you lying next to me and i reach over to grab your hand or look at you or say something but all i have is the sun.

not you.

we were never lost, you know. we just didn’t want to accept that we had always been found.

(a.m.)

let us toast,
my dear,
to making it this far.

even with our tortured minds
and glazed eyes;
hell,
who would've guessed it?

//

it's a good thing you don't wear mascara in public.
then again,
maybe it doesn't really matter.
you only cry when you're alone.

and i'm sure you're more broken than you seem,
though you still manage to get up and
plaster a smile
onto your cold, blank face
each dreary morning.

//

i am not the poster child of happiness,
or wealth,
or intelligence.
(they don't know that, though.)

failure is in my veins,
mistakes written into my skin
with permanent marker --
the same one they use
to write all those A+s.

//

is it really faking
if we believe it, too?

bravo,
bravo,
look how good we've gotten --
believing our own
little
white
lies.

but little white lies
never hurt nobody.

//

right?

some people don't believe in ghosts,
but i am not one of those people,
because you are a ghost
in every sense of the word.

//

i am sorry
for breaking you,
and i know
that i can say "i'm sorry"
until my lungs run dry
and my heart slows to a stop,
and even then
it will not be enough.

how can you apologize
for tearing someone's heart apart,
and walking away
as the tattered strings litter the ground?

how can you apologize
for bringing someone up
out of the murky depths
only to, just as quickly, loosen your grip
and let them fall back under
once more?

how can you apologize
for carving your name into the core of someone's heart
with a knife,
then leaving,
with that aching carving being the only lingering trace?

how can i apologize
for what i've done?

//

some people don't believe in ghosts,
but i stabbed you in the heart
and left you to bleed out
as i walked away and turned a blind eye
to your sorrow.

some people don't believe in ghosts,
but i know i deserve this haunting.

(a.m.)