I am constantly growing. I am constantly changing. I am reaching inward and holding on tight to anything that feels right. I am tearing out from inside anything too sharp, anything that cuts for all the wrong reasons. I am scraping together all the love I can find into small orbs of light I can hold in my hands. I am raising my voice. I am lifting my hands up toward the sky and asking for more and more and all. I am vibrating with such intention and I will direct it at anything that makes the blood boil under my skin. I am here and I am awake and I am alive and I have never been so ready and so excited and so terrified.

Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to listen
to the floorboards creak
and to the ghosts
whispering all their darkest secrets

Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to seep
into the floorboards
into the foundation
into the soil

Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to fill every room
everything
everywhere
with the same light
you have poured into me

Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to stay
until we crumble
into dust

My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long
to bloom like flowers in the spring

My mania tells me things and I accept them as truths
Like:
If you stay awake long enough,
everything will make sense
Like:
If you starve your body,
your mind will expand
Like:
If you drink another *** of coffee you will be calm
Like:
If you smoke another cigarette your hands will stop shaking
Like:
If you feel like you are going in the right direction,
turn around and run the other way
Like:
If you feel like you are alone,
stay where you are and never leave
Like:
If you stop speaking to everyone
for long enough
they will forget you exist
Like:
If you stop writing things down
it's like they never even happened
Like:
If you let another person stay near you for too long,
their aura will eventually leak out
and seep into you
and it will make your insides melt
Like:
If you try to figure out what someone else is thinking,
you will either only pick up static
or you will hear awful noise
Like:
If you love someone,
you will make them wish
you'd never met
Like:
If you try to forget,
the memory will only get stronger,
it will plant roots in your chest
while you sleep

In my dreams a publisher sees my work and tells me they think I've got a real shot

In my dreams the ratio of rejection to acceptance letters in my inbox is not quite as depressing as it is in real life

In my dreams I am not editing my suicide notes and calling it poetry

In my dreams I never burned all my best work in my mother's fireplace when I was seventeen

In my dreams I can finish an entire project before the fear consumes me and causes me to walk away halfway through

In my dreams I am not bitter over the success of others

In my dreams I know where the line between courage and cowardice truly is

In my dreams I have never once thought of giving it all up

In my dreams I am brave

In my dreams I am unwilling to compromise

In my dreams I am tearing out my insides and throwing them down on the floor

In my dreams I am offering myself up as a whole and not as broken parts

In my dreams I am shouting I am here look at me

In my dreams I am exposing my open wounds and I am not asking to be healed

In my dreams I am cutting out my heart and I am not asking to be loved

In my dreams I am inadequate and insignificant and small and I wouldn't change that for the world

Empathy is like:

I see the light pouring out of your eyes and into mine

and I know how the whole world

is tugging invisible threads under your skin

and I want to help you unravel them

until you feel free

until you feel safe

until you feel loved

until we both grow apart

until we die

until we’re dust

I never want to go anywhere without pressed flowers in my notebooks and I always want to have turquoise in my pockets and I never want to stop writing poetry and I will let it bleed me dry if that’s what it wants and I never want to stop staying up at night contemplating the stars and I never want to stop feeling every little thing like an anvil on my chest and I never want to stop agonizing over every little detail of absolutely everything and I never want to treat love like it is some big secret and I never want to stop filling up everyone I know with the same light they have poured into me and I want to keep growing stronger until I can swallow the sky and the sun and open my arms up and wrap myself around the Void until we become one with one another, until we can finally sleep.
Rest easy, sweet dreams.