If you've ever stayed up until 4 am,
you're either lonely or in love.
And I don't know which one is worse anymore.

I have lost my mind
this is not hyperbole

I am suffering

I have lost control
I am in a twister of doubt
I do not know who to call

I am alone
there are no ears at the door
nobody knows to be concerned
I wear armor everyday

My armor does not crack in public
it is hard metal
my tears have remained invisible

yes, believe I am clenching my jaw and my fists
I am holding on for dear life

you told me it was worth living...

barren friendships
love lost
my armor is still on

I sob under my blanket
alone like a child

I do not want you to see my pain

I am afraid to tell you why it hurts

That year was so cold
As cold as that winter that wouldn't end
All I remember about that year
Was how little I fit in anywhere
How I connected with no one
How I sat alone at school
While in a room with 40 others

I lost count of how many hours I spent
Alone in my parents cold garage
Sitting in my car that needed a new motor
Watching the snow fall from the window
And the breath rise from my mouth

All the times I sat staring at a handful of pills
Too broken to go on, but too scared to sign out
Caught in endless torment, with no future in sight
Half of me not caring anymore
Half wanting so bad to hold on

I never imagined I'd survive that year
Or the next, then 5, and 10
Or have the life that I have today
But I am evidence that all of it's true

And giving up too early in life
Is like throwing your cards down too soon
You just might be holding a king or a queen
But it might take you more time to know

by Lj Mark