The man at the bar
He is a young ****
He's got years on his slate
Double my own

A bottle of scotch
He swishes away
The British way

Born in London
Now a Southerner

Touring the country
With his Wife,
Elene

Not missing a thing
Quite the engineer

Laughing away
With each glass
The bartender brings

Flapping his yap
At the pretty young miss
Residing at the bar
Enjoying her dinner
No longer feeling a part
From the crowd

There could have been the world for us
There could have been endless nights
Passed out on the couch
Locked in each others arms
No reality
But our own
Happiness in the smiles we proposed

That girl with the burn
Had the prettiest face under the sun
I would never have guessed
That she had such a disfigurement
Permanently on her arm

Her eyes were brilliant
Like dragonflies
Flying about in the sky

Wings of color
Fluttering in those eyes
I tell ya

Who would have known
That even I
Have had some work done

Cosmetically,
I have been altered
By some pretty ingenious doctors

My eyes and my smile
Are a result of new science
That was
Well constructed and performed
By those
Who have earned
The green paper
We like to burn.

I do a lot of thinking
A lot of feeling
A lot of living for others
But what…
Have I done for myself?
Consideration for others is one thing
Consideration for oneself is another

Computer screen flashing
Humming of the fan
Rapidly getting louder
Absorption of humanity
Click, type, update

No secrecy
Laid out thoughts
Public setting on
Privacy, none

Books and pages
Unheard of
No wifi
No hook up!
No way to communicate,
Terror!
Panic!
Boredom...

Push on
Keep pushing on
If you happen to break,
Call a tow truck to help you up

Push on before it's too late
Push on, this gas won't last all day

Brittle bones, they might hurt one day
Push on, before you are in your grave.

These secrets I keep,
Are hidden behind an invisible thread
That I've woven around me

This thread,
Tightly securing
All that I hold deep

The world may creep up on me,
Cast out shadows
That ordinarily...would cause a girl to scream

But, I'm not afraid of the dark
I'm not afraid of much of anything
Other than, letting him see the real me

My *****, gritty insides
The scars that never healed

The decomposing lies
The dust that flickers past my eyes
The ghosts that haunt my mind

It's dark, it's morbid
Maybe too frightening for anyone to see

For once,
I want to rip the thread to shreds
Let the darkness seep out of me,
Like blood in the morgue

I want to bury my fear,
In a deep grave

Lock it up in a tomb,
Bar the doors so I can't look back

I want to show him who I am
Through unfiltered means
Without fear,
Of what could be.

I need more depth,
I need more ******* depth
Please be deep
Like the ******* sea
Let me breathe in your ideas
Let me lick your past from your lips 

The good with the bad
I’m starting to forget what I had
Am I meant to know 
A list of all the reasons
That I love you so?


I lack that knowledge 
I am unsure of my tone


I can't get a grip
My emotions flee
Quite frankly
My glee,
Has gone missing...

I've got a knot in my satchel
It is becoming frayed and torn
There are no needles and thread to sew it back up.
What's next?
Where can we go from here?
If it is a disguise you seek
I've got the right cover
My friends are skilled and
Leave no traces behind
Just lost souls in the abyss

There is not much that I miss
Besides your deep kiss
I need less than nothing from
Your being

The meaning of these words
Are lost on those who believe in
Sanity
And only vague to the insane.

Cause you said
You said
That I would be dead
Once you leave 
That I would be heartbroken 
But you did not
Did not
Get it right 

I'm more alive 
Free from the constant 
Droning of your voice 
Speaking sarcastic tones 

Those miserable woes 
That I felt rising inside of me
Clawing at my throat to speak
I am free
They are no more 
You cannot control me

maybe love isn't enough 
this feeling 
this feeling of distrust
detachment 
and lust

I give,
         I give 
I've given 
          I gave

Withering here now,
I am innocent babe

this love ain't enough

All day I just want to lay
Here lonely,
With sad songs playing
Tears making the journey
To the ground
My stomach tight
No food in sight

Hurting is odd
Unlike me
All that I'm saying
Seems useless

There are no good excuses
This pain is ruthless

You came here to show me your side,
I looked up at the sky
seeing a storm unfold,
surely it would break through soon

I could see that this wouldn't end well,
I would be soaked in remorse
as soon as you uttered those words

Those words,
shaped liked daggers
ready to split me in half

It was never good
when you would raise your voice,
shout at me
as if I were partially deaf,
or a simpleton

You were such a degrading
*******

I had no respect for you,
and you had zero for me

I could see the fire heating up,
behind those ****** **** eyes
that gazed at me
as though,
I were the devil incarnate

You were a melting block,
that nothing
and no one
could stop from burning

The hate,
the anger,
it boiled deep in you

It was like hell
was inside of you

Nothing I ever did
was just right,
and all you ever did
was fight

As the morning sun
Rose up
and shined upon my face

I smiled
and giggled some

It was Saturday after all
With no work in place
I could be free
Of wasted sums
Worry none about who might come
And give me misery

No clocking in
No breaks today

Laying in the sand
Awaiting the end of the day

Watching men throw
The football around
Girls shivering
As the wind kicks up

Propping myself on my shoes
Looking out at the view

Negativity surrounds
Making me feel blue

Tear drops on a ***** face
Mascara flowing down her cheek
Legs have gone weak

The element of surprise
is quite meek

I'm over here
standing on a side street
off in the dirt
looking guilty as sin,
trying like hell to get cell service
out in this miserable rain

I've had two nightmares come true this week,
and I've had enough of this hell

My mind is wrought with the truth of my life,
and it's awful that it's so real

The greatest thing I can see
from finding out these terrible things,
is now I don't have to hide my true self
from your pathetic eyes

I don't have to pretend
that I'm this committed person,
but that I have an unresolved desire
to be admired

That love is enough
if that's what it was,
I have doubts

If you only knew the real me,
you would probably cry
for all this time,
you've never been enough

It's all been a deep deep lie,
seeping its way out

And I cared,
but you're right
not enough to stick around,
and now you are the one
wishing that I would stay in your life

You can't have it all
You can choose only one,
sadly I've learned that the hard way

We could never be friends after that,
you've tainted your image

The illusion that you were this good guy is gone,
all that's left is the reality
that we are all the same,
some of us may bleed more,
and some clot right up,
but we all bleed someday

Been reading poems lately
And they've led me to thoughts of you
Memories just came up
Of all that you wrote
In my high school yearbook

I write often now
Not sure if you were aware
I wrote back there
There, then back when
We were a pair

I hope this does not muck up
Your day
My plan is just to
Open up
And breathe

Past feelings have come up
Due to these memories
That I have stirred awake

I made plenty of mistakes
Of that, I am sure you know
All I hope for now
Is for your intelligence
To be brought out
And shown to the world
Because I always listened when you spoke
Words on the phone
Or those that were on paper

You've got quite a rhyme scheme
You always were so clean
Often just stepping out of the shower
It seemed like, walking towards me

In the airport
You held such a handsome smile
Blue eyes that could shine for miles

We never used to let go
Not back then
We would hold tight
With an iron grip hold
Breaking briefly to make a mold

Cried tear after tear
Back then
Those days long gone

It's my birthday
I'm a year older today,

It's all going by so quickly
My life is sprinting

It has been four years since my family split
The separation of it
Still doesn't fit

I still get upset on major holidays
When I have to choose which one to visit

I still hate the negative tone
When I hear my Father say my Mother's name,
As if speaking of her in a positive way
Would **** him

I'm older today,
Yet, I'm still broken
I'm a clay *** shattered
On the tile floor

I'm still missing some pieces
That fell behind the door

I'm still in shock that I'm twenty-four

Yet, I'm alive and well
I'm young, and breathing...
Although, just barely
The pollen suffocating me

I'm free to be me
I'm not tethered to a pole
I'm not chained to a cell
I'm not knocking on the gates of hell

I'm free
I'm young
It's my birthday today,
I might as well celebrate

Went to the grocery store 
Tonight
Thought of you 
Thought I might
Want to talk to you

All because I saw a man
Who had a hair cut like yours
A build like yours 

Made hot cocoa 
Tonight 

Remembered the times 
I made it for you

Mushy marshmallows
And your arms
To keep me warm

The good times
The weather 
Makes me dwell on

Typically you were a ***** 

Mostly I was angry 
Pretty lame
I'd say 

For me to think of you today. 

Sept. 18. 2011

These tears are a basket of lies
Just meant to disguise
All the hatred inside

The hopelessness
The fear
It's all right here

I'm holding it near

These tears
Are unbecoming
For a young lady
Fully fit to provide young

With her well rested
Birthing hips
She could provide well
For a man wishing to continue his name

She cries in the corner
But it's okay

This is a man's game
Women are just the pawn

Fishing for useless junk
Is the insecurity
To be oneself
True and true
The deeper meaning is
Hard to find
Hiding under that rock
30 feet down
Below the briskly blowing breeze
The swish and sway
Of the current of the Atlantic
In the light of the sunrise

Waves crashing
At the pier
Sharks circling their feast
It's all in a hard days work
Just breathe.

It's in the trenches we fall
When our roads get icy

It's in the sky we look
When our world is dry

It's in the fire we look
When life is cold

It's in your eyes I look
When I want to see love

It's in your kiss
That I never want life to end

I can be blunt
And distasteful 
In your face
Like a disease

I can be sick
And morbid
Blood pooling 
Into a puddle
At my feet

I can be cheery
And bashful
With sunshine
Coming out my ears

I can be all 
That you need
If only you could see

Give me your etchy sketch
I'll shake it all about
So your future is dim
Plain and pure

Promises should be held with high regard
No resistance at all
Passive stretching assists

In the clouds
The art is written
Like a molded craft
Sitting desolate by the fountain
And the trees

I'm hope bound
******* in transition
Raising arms up with
Slippery doubt
Gripping the wheel
There must be control

Losing it
Will break all molds
The hours of ease
And testy talent
Will be all for naught

I cannot stop 

The pressure
Of these thoughts 
Are weighing down on me

Pushing me under
Plunging me into the deep
I'm drowning in these thoughts
That I keep having of you 

I cannot fathom
Why I am so unglued
I cannot speak of these things
You abandoned me
Only to expect a full recovery, 
From me
The degree to the level of pain
That you caused
Ranks higher than the fog 
Above the treetops 

I gave up

Lost the thought
That we could be 
Together as one

I blocked off
All emotions that would not repair

This ability
May seem to make me appear 
Transparent 
Heartless and icy
But this is simply my protection mechanism 
Fit for an army
That has built up over time
To fight off my enemy
And protect the treasure
That is within me

So yes,
Regretfully I cannot stop
Thinking of you.

I thought this would be easier,
being that I have been unhappy for so long

The memories pour in
like a bad case of diarrhea

It disgusts me
that I spend anytime at all
Thinking that,
what we had wasn't so bad

I have spent countless moments
Pushing the merry-go-round
in my head, until I'm dizzy
And unable to stand on my own

The other day,
I wrote some pretty sappy ****
about our future

Like we really ever had that desire
I honestly couldn't say I aspired
for us to be one with each other

I've been fighting this inner struggle
For years, that I need to find a way
to solve our problems,
but the solution was always this one

I must fight to stay apart from you

I never truly let you in,
but I did get used to your presence in my life

Your dull, blue presence
That quenched any fire I tried to start

I feel detached,
Detached like dried glue
From you

I feel abandoned,
Left out in the woods
On a cold miserable night
Left alone,
To my own devices

You're consumed in nonsense
You don't speak

I'm here
As I've been
Cold and alone

Yet you don't reach for me
You don't seek me out

You've become a robot in the modern world
While I'm here, waiting for warmth from your words

I'm hearing silence
Bitter silence
My insides are freezing now
I'm succumbing to frost bite
My body can't survive

You've left me alone
For far too long
I'm dying now
Without your words of warmth
Your actions lack what I need
I can't survive here

I'm going to bury myself a hole
And cower there
For all the things I've done
And who I've become

I want to disappear,
And not face the irreparable damage
That I've prepared

It's a waste land
My mind
My heart,
It's been misguided for a beat too long

I've decided what's best
And now I must carry on

It's the sadness that comes along
Surprising me into thinking
That perhaps I'm wrong,
Perhaps I should entrap myself
In this unhappy jail for a longer sentence

That perhaps my heart is right, and my mind is wrong
That perhaps I'm meant for sadness
That happiness is bad

Today's a day
Much like jumping off a ledge
Without a bungee cord tied 
In a boy scout's knot
Falling free
Ready to hit the ground
Pit of rocks
Breaking your fall
At the end

I hate that we are vague
I hate that I want to pour out all these words onto you

I hate that I threw away the many pages
Of words written about you

This is not written
In sadness
Or regret

Just annoyance
In letting myself try to trust

That man was just a boy
With psychotic tendencies

He would have broken my face
If I had stayed in place

He ripped those pages
To shreds almost
In his jealous rage

It was the past,
The past I tell you!

How can one be so angry over
Past memories?

Like swimming in ripped jeans
They can be disposed of
With the torn seams
No worries there

I feel chaos
At your feet

I see blood
As you weep

Broken glass
A sodden lass

What a mess
OH, such a mess

Weren't you taught
How to tie your shoes
How to clean your feet
Scrub in between your toes

Weren't you taught
To not,
Speak to strangers?

*Don't you have a sense of danger?

My job, you see
It is pretty ******

I seek pleasure from it
I get new perceptions
From all the distraught folks
That walk through those doors

All the coworkers I share
In these few years
I've enjoyed the many different
Inflections we have all taken part in

It has a been a good few years
People never ceasing to amaze me
The compulsive liars
The drugged and diseased
It is all carried within me

My ears hear them
My eyes see who they are
Their appearance gives them away

My heart feels their pain
In this pain, I hold no sympathy

My compassion is a movie set
It is in action on the clock
Camera is off when that doors swings shut
My body on the opposing side

When my body dissipates into the darkness
I go on to live my day
Without the stress and anxiety
No one rings the bell
Taps their feet
Screams in front of me

I do not hear the phone
No more people to call
No angry glares
I'm off, and I like it that way

Disinfecting myself from the rays
These blotches I feel
Squeezing the liquid
Straining my arm
Lubing up the branches
Covering proximal to distal

Not quite transverse
Ten minutes
Dispense and rinse

Evil flowing down the drain
Plundering materials of blood lust
Soft spoken memoirs
Papers shredded
Covering the ground

Pictures explaining what words cannot
Hole in the corner
Blocking a figure from view

This figure portrayed in the very nightmares
I awake from with hasty revolts of sadness and angst
The very presence unnerving

The scars on your face
Are what I can't erase
From my mind

These scars have stood the test of time
No healing has been done
All that I see
Is what I run from

There is a sense of despair
anger, and sadness
in this constant distance that we have between us

The technology of today,
brings us closer
in a way,

Other times,
it makes the wall of distance
more solid

The lack of control
Can be...
Disheartening

Don't waste your fears
Or your pain
On another man's bed frame

This frame has wear
From bloodshed
And fame

No life has been led the same

-10.21.11

I have been sedated
For months 
Since that moment 
You ruined my trust 

I have been without 
Feeling or emotion 
Concerning this person, you
But now the sensations 
Are coming back, they are sporadic
I believe I cannot cope

I do not want to go back into my memories 
I do not want to think of all the good times 

I do not want to think about your warmth
And how you held me tight
Drove far so that you could see me
Just about every night 

I can remember easily 
The burden that your misgivings 
Were on me
The stress that I held up
The efforts that I wasted 

For nothing but a little loving
That according to you, 
I never returned

Recollecting the past
Can cause brief and subtle emotions
It can cause hardships to arise
There are also victories and surprise

Recollecting the past
Brings you back to present
Helps you respect what you have
And gives hope for what's left to explore

I had an inappropriate dream of you last night
You with your tattoos
The fiery passion
That you exude
The desire that you had for me
It's as though I never stopped lusting for it
St. Patrick's day will never be the same
The way you ****** me up against that wall
No one knew
It was our little secret
I loved it

Let me sit here
Alone
With my pen

Let me become
Consumed in my thoughts
So much so that
I don't here the "hello"
From the friendly fellow
Bicycling on the trail behind me

Let me boil in rage
Grasping onto anything
Trying to let it all seep out slowly
I'll manage
If you just let me

Let me lose my reality
So I can become anew
Empty slate
Free to coagulate
Become thick with hate

You've struck a chord with me
One that is so loud I can't ignore

And I'm not sure
If it is cold hard reality
Or just what I choose to see

Perhaps the truth escapes me
A misperception that soon I'll perceive differently
It is hard to tell

I've never felt quite so alone
Empty inside myself

The one who I want
Too far from my grasp
Everyone else, lacking

This world is huge
Massive, just looking up at the clouds is astounding

I realize there are a million other human beings out there
A million other faces that don't make me feel amazed

Misery does not like to be alone
If I could hit a wall in my life
I've struck it hard

My bones
Are brittle
Twisting
And crunching
Cartilage broken down
From years of age
Wear and tear
Causing them pain
Stretching and bending
Loss of balance
Sitting on a metal frame
Being pushed by winds and rain

I hate you here
I hate you there
I wish not to hate
because I am not one to hate,
but I think about you
way too much
for someone that no longer cares

I think how you were,
the things you asked of me

The things that were said,
the things you screamed,
the pain you charged at me

I still walk by that picnic table
and think of that night
you chased me down
when I wanted to leave

I still look at that park
and think of those nights
full of tears and anguish

The stars we walked under,
barely visible
as if even they knew,
the end was near
the moon shined down a perfect light
for our shadows to leap on

I still drive by that path we walked,
the time you told me things you've
not admitted to others before me

I remember thinking then
that you were a complete mess,
and not mine to fix,
but still,
it was so very hard to let go

It still is,
and after the time that has gone by
I saw your car just the other day
It just set me ablaze

You ruined so many things for me,
you laid out these lies
that I was supposed to trust
you laid out your fear,
your anger
that you held onto deeply
the past,
ours and yours
it rang inside of you like a bell
billowing out like a nuclear blast

I wasn't sure of you at first,
you were adamant
you were misleading
you were comforting,
but the things you became
riveted me in such a way
that I haven't been able to overcome

I'm guilty of a lot things,
but with you I was better

I needed time to become that way
I needed time to heal from the loss I had before you

I wasn't given that time,
and we see the results now

We see the results of two people,
claiming honesty
and getting lies

I hate to think of that day
And the way I felt pain
Upon my face

I heard the crunching of your fist
That day much like today
Sticks in my mind like glue
That day I couldn't hurt you

Blood ran off your hand
Silently mumbling profanity
I slipped over to the vanity
To disguise the mess
And make you bleed less

What were you thinking?
Screaming
Punching at mirrors
Never stopping to think
Of the way my heart crashes
Every time that twinkle
In your eye
Loses light

Self conscious, paranoia
That's all I see
In my sight
When walls are breaking
From your strong might

Aug 9. 2011

Perhaps happiness is crude
And we just exaggerate it

Perhaps you are hopeless
And you meant it

It could be,
That we just weren't meant to be

Not together,
Not ever

Your passage in my life
Wasn't designed
It was a flaw

We are human
We make mistakes

It's all okay
I've got the same to say about you

You came here
And tried to hide your pride

But I saw the brick in your hand

You can't smash my head in
That is not the design

This thing you have is a sickness

You need help
And I'm not a therapist

I'm a clean disease,
I attach to you
In a sly way

You don't realize you've been poisoned,
In your veins
In your heart

You don't notice,
That your blood pours out
Lining the tiles of the bathroom floor

You don't see,
The way your skin yellows
Creating your jaundice complexion

You don't hear,
Your breath as it catches
Due to the smoke filling your lungs

You don't feel,
Your heart as it...
Slows down...every minute
Of everyday
The sound of each beat, deafening

I'm a creeping disease,
The symptoms sneak,
They sneak up on you

Breaking you, slowly
Breaking you down
Until you're crashing

All your bones are snapping
Your heart can't take it
It stops,
You eyes rolls back in your head
And you're gone

All that you were is in the past
And I've won
I've beaten the sickness of love

I'm looking for real friends
Not ill effects

I don't want your fickle friendship
Where I hold regrets

Getting lost in weekend plans
When I just want to chill on the quiet land
Where the birds are the only noise around

Except when our voices
Compare notes
And we laugh as we pass the roads
That lead to nowhere
And everywhere in between

Glass shatters
As it hits the floor
Dad picks up the pieces
Of Mother's favorite glass
As their young daughter weeps
In the doorway
"You know, hon? It's okay."
His daughter looks up and nods

A few years pass, the daughter
Is sauntering out the door
Anger reverberating from her membrane
"Crash!!!" broken glass is heard
From inside of the house
Dad comes out, clearly enraged
The daughter feels herself boiling over, but frozen at the sound
She finds herself explaining what just occurred
Back window of the vehicle, destroyed
Long ride to school, not a sound in the car, but the air swishing through the back door

The difference in appearance
Young child, adult's patience
Young adult, adult's lack of compassion

Uprooting the girl year after year
Cries of despair floating through the house
Quieting when she fears someone is near
Alone in a home where each room is filled
Lashing out at friends who stay in contact
Folding to parent's demands
And holding regrets years later...
This girl is shattered

We've hit the mark
To your tall grave

No plaque
No flowered haze

No ribbon tied on with haste
No mourners getting in late

Locked up in a bubble
Of pain
For days
Fading for minutes
Then rushing back as if
The plague has hit the brain

One day a cure
Next day loss of hope
Lack of want for medication
Pills lack the healing effects
That nature instills in me

Smoke rings
Round and round
My head

Spider bite I fear
No feeling
Loss of movement
In my leg

Pain in my brain
Pounds more and more
As does the subwoofer
Turned on high, full bass

The crawling creature
With numerous legs
Is gone
Dead, smashed out of
Existence

Just as I am
In my lonely grave
Of pain