and as we sat beneath the dazzling sky
wishing upon constellation after constellation,
our hearts exposed and our fingers barely touching,
you whisper “we are alive.”
and I chuckle, knowing what you meant:

knowing that you are just as astounded as I
that we just so happened to meet
and that we are sharing the same air
and gazing into the same open universe
despite this moment being minuscule in the entirety of time.

and I whisper back “but are we living?”
a question that has haunted me day after day
a question that most will brush off.
but you turn to me,
your green eyes burning into mine
and you smile, knowing what I meant:

knowing that nothing in this world is as it seems
that it’s possible this is all a dream
and that your vision of me is nothing but  
and the rustling trees are merely empty sounds
despite my gentle touch grounding you to the earth as we believe it to be

the struggle lies in looking at the reflection
whilst walking down the street wondering how large my mass appears
the struggle is in wanting nothing more than a sweet yet knowing that i will regret it later
in wanting to be happy with my image
and yet never finding such happiness
...
it lies in building others up
simultaneously unavaible to myself
dedication to fitness and activity and never seeing change
...
the struggle lies in finding validation for myself
in search of something that is just beyond my grasp
...
wishing i could only believe the words that i believe when i send them to others
if only once
i could find acceptance or peace within my reflection

you know,
i have trouble telling my feelings or expressing myself,
but i will try.
if i told you i missed you,
would you believe me?
if i told you i wasnt okay,
would you tell me you’d make it?
if i came to you crying,
would you hold me tight?
what if..
i told you i still loved you,
would you kiss me and say you loved me too?

In the glimpse of the morning sunrise, I have found peace.
In the wake of the birds orchestra, I have found solitude.
In the first sip or morning coffee with a pinch of hazelnut creamer or maybe more than a pinch,
I found a calm serenity.
During my morning drive I have discovered the beauty of the rolling hills that reek of the stench assosicated with a dairy farm community.
During my entrance to a city I have the sensation of belonging, this road has been slowed down by the constant speed in which we all desire to go, we all must go.
During the work I realize I am part of something larger.
Withdrawing from the city and heading for home I am reminiscent of the hum echoing in my head.
Withdrawing to my work out I am pleased get my daily dose of happiness.
Withdrawing to my family is where I am comfortable.
Heading to my love is where my heart soars.
In the shut of my eyes I am smelling the sea, I am hearing the ocean, I am seeing the sunlight, I am hearing the crunch of leaves, and the sounds of exploration pound inside, I am feeling his kisses on my forehead, I am feeling the love of my family, I am feeling the hope for a better future, I am determined to enanct change, I will not rest until I am me and you know it.

It is an awkward thing being depressed, in love, happy, suicidal, at peace, determined to bring change to the world, and being completely drained of all energy at the same time.

There are oceans
there are forests
there are castles in my mind

There are gardens
with fresh flowers
and each plant and tree is mine

There are paintings
there are candles
there are masks that live and breathe

There are hallways
there are doorways
there are windows, locks and keys

There are seasons
used as reasons
to escape what can’t be seen

There are shadows
in the meadows
but no people there for me