i hear you say
"i don't want to hurt you"
as i feel your words, like a knife
pierce through my chest
and go through my heart
and suddenly my passion
is deflated like a balloon
being pricked by a pin
-
"i don't want to hurt you"
but this feels like an elephant
is stepping on my chest
and i hurt.
despite your narrowing efforts
to keep me feeling safe
please stop making me feel like
i should just jump into the lake

o.o.

i want to give you hickies
all over your neck, and stomach, and thighs
i want to kiss you so much
that we forget that we need to breathe
i want to deeply love, write you poems and songs
and cry with you when it is too late to
hold it in any longer
your lips are perfectly shaped,
your eyes hold some type of magic
please let me be the one to love you
endlessly and without limits
we can do things that you
have never experienced before
i want to give you hickies
you can give them to me too,
if you want.

o.o.

4/6/16 11:01 pm

I want to kiss you
Leaving hickeys down your neck
And feel butterflies in my stomach
I want you more than
Anything in the world
Please want me too

o.o.

i want to hold your hand
and gaze at the stars
listen to our favorite songs
and drink out of twizzler straws.
this isn't quite a fairytale
but it's good enough for me

o.o.

A list of things for when you think you just can’t take it anymore

1. things get better.
at least thats what everyone will tell you
every time something goes wrong inside of your head.
But you reply with something along the lines of
“that’s what everyone says”.
What that person forgot to tell you
is that things only become cliche when they’re said a lot
or at the wrong moments
but most cliches are true, and it’s too easy to disregard cliches

2. there are people out there who love you
i mean, sure, the last time your best friend said that was months ago
and she’s stopped checking in on you
to see if you’re okay
but she loves you.
At least that’s what you should convince yourself of for a minute.
She has told you time and time again how important you are to her
yet lately that doesn’t show
and you feel like you’re fading fast

3. get help.
okay, but you don’t understand how hard it is
to get help
when I still blame myself for this hell that I am in
when I feel undeserving and help
feels unnecessary.
some days it feels out of reach
because not being able to take it anymore
might mean not being able to even whisper
“help”
but they’ll keep telling you to get help.
no they don’t know how it feels, but they can’t help you anymore

4. people will miss you
and if that thought isn’t reassuring, or people were never your type
think about your dog
think about your cat
they will miss you
they say that a dog is a man’s best friend
your cat will have no one to sleep next to in the frigid winter months
but don’t forget that friendships are a two person relationship
think about the flowers you planted in your garden
how sad will it be if you are not there to see them bloom

5. sometimes things are too much
sometimes the weight of the world is too much for you to carry
the weight of the world is too much for ME to carry
sometimes things feel like they’re too much
but I don’t know what to say to you to make things better
I wish i could help
I wish i could have helped
I want to help you just let me in
WHY don’t you ever let anyone in
I don’t know why I can’t let anyone in

6. I’m sorry.

o.o.

its 2am
and I don’t know where the time has gone.
the sky has opened up and the rain is coming down
it makes me feel calm and happy
something that most people don’t feel
when the earth is crying.
the thunder is far away
and the soft rumble keeps me company.
thoughts of you are running through my head
again. i wonder if they ever get tired.
sometimes i wish that i would have
people for company
not just the thunder and my own thoughts.
i hope to someday find a person
who enjoys the rain as much as me
and who isn’t afraid of staying up late
and indulging in the stillness of the early morning.
it’s not raining much anymore
its almost 3am

o.o.

i do not belong here
where i am right now
this is not my place in the world
please help me survive,
help me get through school
until i can figure out where
i am meant to be
and my chest will stop aching
and my eyes will no longer burn

o.o.

Listening to the killers
At 12am in attempt to numb my brain
It's normal at this age they say
To become overwhelmed with pain
My head is heavy and dizzy
I've heard that blood will stain
But there's no need to worry
If anything my voice will strain
When I yell at you for being so blind
I feel like a tiny grain
Of sand that you have forgotten about
I write down my thoughts in attempt to refrain
From causing you any inconvenience
Like how the sky opens up and it rains
The windshield wipers on your car barely work
You complain
It's okay, you can't see, you're allowed to
But I feel like I'm going insane
And I need you to try to at least pick up on the signs
That are small. I'm able to maintain
An even smile though.

o.o.

She tasted like cigarettes
Like sweet nicotine
That lingers in your mind
And on your tongue.
I wish it was me
Maybe then I could stop your cravings
And you could enjoy the taste
Of coffee on my lips instead
And I could replace her
With me in your head

o.o.

Love is a **** show,
a circus without any clowns
and a juggler who can't juggle.

Love is the tightness in my chest
when you call me baby
or say you love me.

Love is you going to bed
without talking to me all day
and I'm sad
but I convince myself you still care.

Love is the way I wake up in the morning
my heart hurts
my body is tired
but I want to talk to you.

Love is not knowing how to be loved
it is re-learning how to open up
how to accept compliments
how to tell him you love him too

Love is a whirlwind of emotions,
a human condition,
how i dream of falling asleep in your arms
your throat after sipping hot tea
the first snow of the season
cold pool water in the summer
the leaves crunching under your feet
the first tulips peeking out of the dirt
your smile when i say hello
my favorite songs

what is love

loss of motivation
currently leaving me alone
my grades are about to drop
faster than a rock
thrown by a rebel teen
at a neighbor's window
my mind has some loose parts
for now, and i have
no tools to fix it
i hope my mother isn't mad
when i'm missing all of my assignments
i was too busy
listening to music that makes me feel
and crying alone in my room

o.o.

Space is big and scary
And maybe even infinite
And one thing I know to be true
Is that I am alive
And I am breathing
And the beauty of the night sky
Can bring tears to my eyes
But I wish you were here
Because I'd then be able
To see the two most beautiful things in
The entire universe
At the same time

o.o.

my eyes are heavy
but i will not fall asleep
just incase you call

o.o.

do you miss how the sun would kiss you each morning
when you woke up and the birds were singing
and you were not yet afraid
you were not yet you
because I remember how you used to love picking flowers
and activities that resulted in grass stains
we were young but not yet full of sin
not to say that one can not remain pure
just that we were not trying hard enough to
and I hope when the sun rises tomorrow
or the day after that, and kisses your skin again
you will be able to remember why you love living
and all of the sadness
the anger, the pain inside of you
will melt away like the popsicles we used to eat

o.o.

10/31/15 12:40am

i want to kiss you
on the lips, your cheek, your neck
and please don’t forget
that kissing me will be nothing like you’re used to
because my lips are not candy
and my hands will not wander

o.o.

I would tell him to guess
what movie had I been watching
the soup I had been eating
how I felt inside.

I don't know what to think
he would say
you never tell me
tell me how you feel
about me, about us

I don't know
I leave you guessing
not on purpose
not because I don't feel
my life is a guessing game
and i'm sorry you had to play
but, man, guess my favorite album
my middle name,
my dreams
and i'm yours either way

a guessing game.