Yesterday - a funny word
Holding so much meaning,
Impact.

Sometimes yesterday lingers,
Following me home after dark.

I don’t want to feel like that again-
The heart breaking,
Gut wrenching,
Want to die.
Death,
So close yet so far away.
Almost scary,
Or…
Relief.

But here I am again.
The next day.
Waking from a horrible nightmare,
A cruel trick of the mind.

I sit in silence,
Though my thoughts scream loud
It’s not peace - it’s  exhaustion.

Will it pass?
Maybe tomorrow.

They tell me tomorrow holds promises,
But I don’t see them.
I don’t believe in miracles,
But I might believe in maybe.

I didn’t want tomorrow,
But I opened my eyes.
They call it trying-
I call it surviving.

Another sunrise I didn’t ask for,
Another breath I didn’t choose,
Same ache,
But different.

Because I’m still here

Sometimes I stop eating,
just to see if they’ll notice.
Food becomes disgusting-
A horrible punishment,
A twisting of my mind and stomach.

I don’t hate food
I know I need it
Yet I still throw it away,
Hide the meal I never ate

Would they care?
If they saw the untouched plate?

I tell myself I’ll eat tomorrow.
I told myself that yesterday.

I know this isn’t kindness,
to myself.
I know this isn’t strength
It’s just a call for help.

Some days,
I just want someone to notice.
Notice what’s happening.
Notice me.

A weighted question.
A right answer,
And a true answer.

I would say-
I’m doing great.
I have friends and family.
I have a home.
I have security.

But honestly?
I’m doing horrible.

My mind creates demons-
Ones I can’t face, even in daylight.

The simple joys of childhood are no more.
My friends are fading.
My family hurts me-
Words slicing deep into my heart.

I have a broken home.
Only half my family ever there.

I feel alone.
I feel scared.
The allure of death
Waits at every corner.

Life is desolate.
My heart, my brain, my soul-
They just can’t take it anymore.

But I will never answer honestly.
“I’m doing great”

100 percent effort
100 percent of the time
100 for all my grades
100 hours of work
100 times I was the best
Perfection.
100 percent depression
100 percent of the time
100 nights I didn’t sleep
100 hours of crying
100 masks I wear every day
Perfection?
100 percent expectation
100 percent on display
100 forced smiles
100 ways I hide the pain
100 versions of myself
Perfection…

When they talk
It’s an inside joke
“You wouldn’t understand”
They say while they giggle together
When you ask to hang out
There’s an excuse
“Sorry I’m busy”
They say while you watch them together
When they talk about a group chat
But you aren’t on it
“We must have forgotten”
They say while they keep texting each other
When they bring up memories
But you weren’t a part of them
“You must have been sick”
They say while they plan to hang out again without you
When they forget your birthday
But they’ve planned presents for each other’s
“I’ll bring your present tomorrow”
They say while they haven’t thought once about it
You are forgotten
You are left out
You are always the second choice-
death by a thousand dismissals