Silent screams
                           begging for life,
                                                         dying on my lips.



Empty emotions
                         crying for love,
                                                  burning in my heart.



Torn thoughts
                         craving stability,
                                                       leaking out of me.





I'm a mess of opposites
burning inside,
trying to come out of sealed box.
I am nothing
and everything all at once.
I feel found and
lost,
close yet
so far
from everything I crave.
Everything is clear
and yet
nothing makes sense.

...  

daughter
sister
aunt  
niece
granddaughter
nice
sweet
good girl  
baby faced
lost
unemployed
uneducated
questioning
wandering
stuck  
dissapointing
hopeful
sinful
alone
sad
happy
grateful.....

i am so many things  
but..
Who Am I?

I'm a brick wall
Not in the sense of stubbornness or
being close minded
But in reference to my outer shell  
With which no emotion can pass through
And to most it means
There is no place where my emotion dwells
Or worse they take a wrecking ball to the strong wall
Hoping to crack my resistance
Only giving more reason to build it higher, wider

They claw at my walls
Not bothering to knock with gentle hands
Delicate touch opening the door
Not barreling through
Looking and knowing there's a wall
To keep my feelings in
Not to keep others out

Sadly no one knocks at a hidden door
So do I make a new door,
Tear down a wall,
Or wait a whole life for someone who might never knock?

I was lucky
Drama never exploded upon me
Half-truths
Half-lies
I never took part in them
Being shy and quiet,  
I never really cared for it
Nasty mean words
Hate that poors from mouths like
Bile

I always thought drama was a way for attention seekers to be seen
And a way to hurt people deemed worthy
Such a lovely way to be noticed
Through rumors and hate  
Thick sludge that even the pureness of honesty can't defeat

Honesty was a strong suit for me
A quiet girl with little to say
Why say something if it's a lie?
And most honesty hurts others so I stayed quiet
I had poetry anyway

Poetry
A language of it's own
Flowing, curt, inspiring
It was magic to me
Somehow it still is
A magic that is real,
Yet feels so unreal

Why would I tamper poetry  
With petty drama?
It's pure beauty enables emotion to meet a life in ink
All emotion freely flowing from a pen to a page
Erasing and capturing them into glimpses of what is real and felt

Instead of lies I tell truths
Which is why I rarely speak
The truth is hard to handle
I don't want to be half of something
I'm so whole and full to the brim of life
How would it be right to speak half,  
To live half a life?
It wouldn't be fair
So no half-truths
Only fullness
To represent the life I have to give

do you still read my poetry?
take in every line
search for meaning
and for me
curious what you'll find

do you still think about me?
wonder how i am
read through my rhymes
through my lies
i hope to say you can

do you hate my stupidity?
raging at my hope
seeing my pathetic mess
the ludicrousness
hurt that i won't mope

do you still read my poetry?
get wrapped up in my words
hope to find i'm alright
the truth i hide
is that what i deserve?

do you still read my poetry?
for I still want you to
marvel at the wonders
my little treasures
it's more than you deserve

I enjoy singing
not in a grand way.
But I hum and sing to
my favorite songs.

Losing my voice is such a big fear.
In more ways than one,
it connects my thoughts
to the world.

I used to believe
my voice wasn't worth hearing.
That being silent would be easier
then being heard.

I don't have anything special.
I can carry a tune
and run words together
But not in a grand way.

I sing because I enjoy it.
I write to feel my emotions, show my perspective.
It's not very magnificent,
but no one else could do it quite
like me.

inspiration is a fickle thing.
it lurks around in the shadows.
sometimes to far in to be seen.

other times it seeps out,
flowing like a babbling brook
straight from my heart.

it leaks out of small things.
the way a leaf blows,
or how deep and loud he laughs.

yet still, it can choke me up,
the flow haulting at my tongue,
draining down my face.

so often the flow stops at my eyes,
soaking up what they see
and simply enjoying the moment.

inspiration is a fickle thing.
phasing in and out like the moon.

only when full to the brim
or dried like a well
do we notice that it's beautiful

And oh so wonderful

Assault my senses
Let me breathe in your skin
Feel your hands pull my hips
Bite my lip as our whole bodies kiss.

I want to feel you explore me
Touch my soul, as our sweaty bodies collide
Awaken my deepest kept secret
As I expose to you my every weakness

I want to pull your hair
Lay my head on your chest.
Listen as your heart slowly beats
As my legs touch yours through thin sheets

Hold me till the morning comes
My skin cold from sweat
Warm me up with a sleepy smile
And mumble "Stay for a while.. "

.
flit flit

                    flit flit

                                          flit

My mind is endlessly flitting from one thought to the next

thoughts of hate cutting deep through my skin,
carving out parts of myself that feel and tingle

No. That's too harsh
flit

longing for the loving touch of another,
Imagining the soft caress of a hand brushing my-

No. Stop imaging what you don't have.
flit

fantasizing what it'd be like to have deep love for someone
talking, arguing, laughing

No. Stop. That will never happen to you
flit

I long to-

No. You can't.
You are pathetic,
Nothing good will come from your life.
You are pathetic.

just a waste of space


flit

i want to bleed this out of me
let it flow through my fingers
watch it all drift away


no; flit


can we move on now?
my eyes are flowing, my soul aches,
can't i remember good things?
i want to be happy,
i want to be alive.
i feel.
isn't that enough?

I want it to be enough
flit
.

.
flicker flicker
the fake candle blinks in a dark room with a loud mind
twisting and turning trying to unwind.

sigh
deep breaths calm down the racing
thump thump
of the petrified heart, just bracing
thump thump
for the worst.

sigh
shallow breathing forces the heart to slow
and she turns off the rinky **** candle instead of blow
it out.

only darkness and the glow of moonlight now.
the loud mind forced to take a bow.

you'll never be good enough
still she hears the whirring of gears
that will never stop in a trillion years,

until she's thought her whole life away.
but what if
.

Another time I'd write and write
About the world's spite,
My lack of life,
The loss of fight

I sit endlessly thinking,
Writing,
In my mind
As I grind
The little gears in my head

Wasting away is my great fear
Yet I sit here,
Absorbing no knowledge

I hate who I am,

A pathetic use of space
I try to move, I try so hard.
But stay a still lumpy rock
While people knock
And push and pull.

Their words lurk like vultures,
Trying to pick at my pieces.
Churning me up like cream
Waiting for a scream,
A shout,
A call to myself.

But how can I move outside of this cell?

Goodbye
Only i didn't get one
Never will i again
Everyone leaves

You're distance
Overwhelmingly hurts my
Under appreciated feelings

Are you blind?
Not quite like I am
Deaf and mute

Is it ever love?

Rough and lined
Quite defined
Cut and scarred
Oh so marred

Dark veins
And sharp pains
Short nails
But when all else fails

I hold your beautifully scarred hand too
And smile at the wonderful gift I've been given

I want you here,
Always be near.
I love you

"The flower that blooms in adversity
Is the most rare and beautiful of all."*

I climb to the top
I won't ever stop
I may be a woman
But I don't belong to a man

I am not the same
Or even sane
But I have fought
Because I've been taught

Fight
Never lose sight
Of life
Take the knife
Keep it near
To turn on peers

I've learned to defend
Against those who pretend
To be friends
But stab you in the end

I've fought so much
To die by my own touch.
I will fight my battles
And make the world rattle.

I'll stay true to me
Instead of flee.

It started with hello
With no where to go.
You then me.
How could this be?

It was great for weeks,
But then came streaks
On my heart.
They hurt like a dart.

Months of nothing
How was it something?
It didn't end in good bye
I just watched it fly

Miscommunication broke it
And I choked on it-
The words and tears,
I would have no fears.

I left because of you,
But who wears the shoe?
Who gets the blame,
And all of that fame?

Has it happened to you?
It doesn't have to..
TALK.. please
Don't let it freeze

Went to bed at six
And I slept all through the night
Now I'm awake again

What does it mean
To be clean?

Hygienic?
Sober?

Do you want to be clean?
Do you need to be green?

It has many meanings
What's yours?

Out **** spot, out, out!! -Macbeth

I see a pimple
Bright on my face
There are quite a lot
To even trace

They travel down
My neck and back
It really makes
Me feel like crap

There are quite a lot
Of things I hate
Like my short legs
And nose that's not straight

My hands are small
Kinda stubby
I have stretch marks
Around my tummy

Even though I have things I hate
Never would I change

For I love it all
Even my so called 'flaws'

My body is mine
And I'm pretty **** fine

Her eyes sparkle
Her cheeks have streaks
From the diamonds she cries

Her tears are more beautiful
So unlike salt water
They shine showing the joy seeping from her soul

She is the epitome of riches
So gorgeous and sad
With her diamond tears

They always mean so much more
For she rarely cries
Her diamonds clinking onto the ground

She is so precious
Far more than the diamonds
That fall from her eyes

I wish I could stop the spilling diamonds
So she could keep that beautiful sparkle
In her soul

The robins chirp as
Bees busily buzz by
The sun gently warms the grass and
A breeze rustles waking trees.
Chipmunks scurry in the cool air.
The creek gently roars while
Squirrels hurriedly run tree to tree
The sun peaks through dark clouds
Promising rain.
Dogs roll through mud
And children splash happily after them

I can't help but smile
At the joyful scene.
It help stirs my hope that
Maybe
the sun can thaw my frozen heart too

I'm losing myself
I'm just





l                                  t
      o              ­ s

















I'm losing myself...
Just floating in my mind










f
           l                       o
                                             a
                             t
                                      i              n
        ­                                                         g














It's like I'm not me
But I am not someone else
I'm just stuck here in my

M                                   N
                  I                                       D















It's like I can't get
O.                        U.                      T.  

















All I want is some to
        *Hol*D
                                            ­         *me

I've been gone
It's been so long
And I wanted to see you
Well that's not exactly true
But  we started to talk
Not long after I decided to walk
It's suppose to be a two way street
But if you keep love like a sweet
It will never stay
That's why I've gone away







Are you still alive?







I can't survive







Though I did leave you
You left me too
And the biggest trick
To come from a *****
Is to believe they'll love
And hold you high above





And I am always the fool
When it comes to tools

Well soon they'll be gone
It won't be long now
Sorry you never had a chance
Doubt you will miss me at all
Only needed centuries ago
Might as well get used to it

Thank you for one thing
Everyday I'll eat icecream
Even if I don't want to
Taking a break will be good
Hope I heal soon

Down in my toes
A bubbly feeling grows
Viciously through my whole body
I smile and blush like crazy
Doubt has always been part of my soul

It was all so new
Like the shine on shoes
When I was with you

And it was hard to contain
All of the pain
I felt inside my brain

But I did

So when we came
To this new game
I was almost ashamed

And you surprised me
When you didn't flee
And tried to love me

But it wasn't enough

Pain seeped out
And sent confusion about
I felt so lonely in my drought

I shoved it aside
To look out side
Myself and tried

But it wasn't enough

Were you dying
While I was crying
From this drying?

True meanings lead astray
And I'll continue to pray
Each and everyday

But is it enough?

How can your mind speak,
when you heart is screaming?
How can you be rational,
when insanity is around the corner?
How can you focus,
when you soul dies?

Where is there peace,
in all of the war?
Where is there love,
in all of the hate?
Where is there order,
in all of the chaos?

Why is there hope,
with so much doubt?
Why is there good,
with so much bad?
Why is there something,
with so much nothing?

Who is with you,
when no one else is?
Who is rational ,
when they are insane?
Who is organized,
in the chaos?

Who is good,
when everything is bad?
Who is at peace,
when war is everywhere?

Who is focused,
when their soul is dying?
Who is thinking,
when their heart is crying?

Woke up an hour too late
My homework wasn't done
It must have been fate
Cause today already won

Got dressed for the day
And raced through my work
Forgot to pay
That incessant ****

His name is Monday
And he already won the day

A shadow rests on the edge of my mind.
Here all of the memories we left behind
Lay to rest in the darkness.
But they've traveled and made my life a mess.

I remember the words and beauty they told.
Ones of longing and worry and how you would hold-
Oh no- it's too late. Don't ask me why.
But the memories we made now make me cry.

Now I'm lost in metaphors and words.
My world dies
As my whole existence sighs
And each heavy drop drowns them out.

Being at war with myself, not picking a side.
No matter how hard i tried,
I'm still in love.
It hurts when i try to shove

These feelings down to the dark and deep.
So now I'll weep,
And sit in this heap,
Until I sleep.

I lost myself in the now
The words can't get out
Beating down the door
They poured from before

My mind overflows
While my world implodes
Secrets that can't be stopped
Thoughts that I dropped

Creativity and wisdom
Loss and pain

Will I ever get my words back?

Do I still have my voice?

Am I loved without my me?

Does this loss define me?

Are my words all I have?

Is it all I can give?

Am I worthless?

Am I still me?

What is left, if I don't have poetry?

Why the hell do I miss you so much?







Please just tell me so I can go to sleep...

It hides in the darkness
And lurks in the shadows

The sun can block it out
But not keep it away in the night

Sometimes the moon is my only solace
But it leaves

Then I'm left alone

The demons whispering
Become shouts

It leaves me deaf
And blinded

The light stolen
By the hateful thieves

With that light
Leaves
My
Hope

But it lingers in my mind
Even when it's pitch black

Even when the shouts make me deaf
I hear the words

Hold
On
Possibilities
Exist

The little birdie
My little angel
My wonderful friend

Is here
They snuck in
And were beside me
They were with me
Even through the worst

When no one was here
They still were
They became my light

Even now as I'm in the dark
I know they are here
And it gives me

Hope

Heart and soul
Body and mind

Why is it that this happens?
I shouldn't chase
I shouldn't sacrifice sanity
I shouldn't cry and bleed with

Nothing

To show I'm with you
And not pining

I should be chased
I should be given flowers and chocolate
I should have the world
I don't know where you are
Or what's happened but
I know you could give me the world
If only you knew you can
That the world to me
Is very little
It's moments
It's warmth
It's the light in the dark
It's the hand brushing away tears
It's knowing you
It's seeing you
It's mutual trust



But how can there be anything in






Nothing

Self deprecation
Mood deflation
Perfect jeans you had
A size too small
Looks when you wear
Clothes you love

Silent thoughts
Silent tears
Encouragement
Sometimes makes it worse

Wishing it wasn't like this
That your thoughts didn't turn on you

It's not about the size
Or being a zero
It's about loving your body
And I don't love me like this
I did when I was healthy
I used to love EVERYTHING about me

I feel weak
I feel used
I feel fat

The mind is powerful
It is great at deceiving
Even the strongest minds
Have a breaking point

Each person is beautiful no matter what
Because there is no one else quite like you

I wrote a poem or two,
Nothing too flashy.
I was wiggling my shoe
When something tickled my fancy

I'd stumbled upon a page
That made my head spin
Few fueled by rage
And most made me grin

Like there was a secret
One that came out in each piece
As if writing would weaken
The barrier of your heart and release

A truth so wonderful and bold.
So I followed and logged that day

When I returned a day or two after
I was shocked and crazed
I was filled with laughter
A single message left me dazed

I scrambled, my mind thinking
While silencing Jimney  
My friend started winking
My reasons flimsy

That's how it started
So long ago
I've changed
I've grown
Somehow I know
I should not be
Here
Waiting for you
Waiting for something more
Something like a fairytale
Where we meet years after
In a little cafe
Where we are past this teenage stupity
And we finally understand what love
Means
But for now I'm left waiting
Because I'd hate myself
To leave someone like you
I'd hate me for never having the guts
To be left waiting

Hate
Negativity
Loss
Pain
Loud
Anger

alone

*Acceptance
Silence
Scars
New
Positivity
Love
FRIENDS

Wind blows through my hair
The grass soft against my feet
Everything seems fair
Even constrained in my seat

I have plenty of food
I'm safe and warm
Even if it's crude
I'm part of the norm

I'm sent to a place
That is padded ceiling to floor
I play with my dress' lace
While I sit there and bore

This is my punishment for speaking
I acted out to Him
The one who's been 'tweaking'
Me since life turned grim

Awful things happen here
But I'm grateful too
That I don't live with fear
The one I once knew
  
This punishment is minor
I've had it a time too many
For asking about her shiner
And counting to twenty

If I continue rebelling
And I do worse
Then spelling
I'll ride off in a hearse

I've been taken to a big crowd
I'm out of that room
That's when it went loud
And I heard a BOOM

That's the day I was found
The day I was me
I heard no other sound
But those of glee

I never understood
What I hadn't been told
And now I think how could
My parents never want to hold

Me

That was the day I was taught a word
One of beauty and glory
A word that I heard
That is its own story

A story so sweet
Saying I didn't need 'em
That I could meet
A world of freedom

The poetic justice
The lovely rhyme
They leave me now
With endless time

The wonderful words
The beautiful depth
They're taken
What a horrid theft

The simply superb
The eloquent
Shoved aside
Till there's nothing left

Shallow and empty
It's all swept away
Maybe it'll come back to me
Someday

My loyalty
Is gained
Easily

My trust
Is
A must

My love
Is harder still
Flying like a dove

But when the are given
My word is true
Life will be liven
Thinking of you

But if they are taken
And abused
You would be makin'
A
Mistake
For I'm filled with love
And hate

Quickly we forget
How fragile we all are  
And I fret
Over how you'll take this
Of how you'll react
I want you to know
I
Don't
Care

About your inner demons and self hate
They are keeping us apart
They intervene with fate

But I do care
And
Oh
So
Deeply
Love you

The ones you want to keep
And the ones you don't
The ones you do keep
And the ones you don't

They say don't make promises you can't keep
Does that stop you?
No, but you don't sleep

Do you try to make less promises,
Or do you simply keep every promise you make?

So I lay waiting

For someone to keep theirs to me
And I realize when I'm old and gray
That no one will be

Keeping promises like I do
So I'll be waiting for a prince
But I never knew

That I could stand on my own
Keeping promises the same way
Never putting my heart on loan

For promises are good
But trust is far better
When battling in the wood

Darkness beckoning
And the demons all around him
Reckoning

They ask for him
I plead no
But he goes

And I'm left with broken promises..