the girl that only shares emotions with pens and pages,
intended phases
or a sudden craze;
the girl once counted out
& counted days...
-
who knew freedom would actually come.

my trips to high
became too frequent.
im up high,
i’m way too high,
it's like how high can i go?
-
high beyond the space
where i'm racing through time,
chasing after spaces in mind
& drawing lines that lead me back to my roots.
there’s life in darkness
& i stand as living proof.
-
hell,
the realm of mind-control towers &
cryptic messages in music.
the realm where masses are asleep
yet somehow still starting movements;
& mammon keeps account of all the monetary systems
that mold the youth & hide the truth so that they stay in roles of victims.

the wind blows
& so does the smoke from the ground rolled up,
it keeps me grounded.
am i searching for a high above the highs
or a heaven in this hell?
as i inhale the paranoia & the bliss of being anything but sober,
i allow myself to let go..
-
letting go of all the things that i wonder about
that keeps me wandering at night;
i get lost in my thoughts.
i get lost in my world,
in myself
& i forget to live.
i forget that life still goes on
regardless of if i am moving at a pace to keep up or if i am stuck.
it wishes me good luck
like “good luck”
but does it wish me the best?

your role is not one of mastery,
its motherly.
you serve as portal
of a world so otherly.
you are guardian
and guidance,
confidant,
enlightened.
a protector by all means,
an example
and all seen.
influencer of cycles repeated,
dear god,
please take responsibility
you are in need
and you are needed.

depression has me by the throat,
it’s gripping tight,
it won’t let go.
anxiety,
has ruined love for me,
entirely.
im holding on by hair strands,
moving with death,
a slow dance.
im drowning,
with a life jacket,
without
your touch,
i need a hand,
will you reach out?

i am not to be pursued as one your ****** interests,
because i wear clothing that are tight-fitted and lack inches.
refrain from holding on my arm, don't approach me with the famous mating calls; matter of fact don't approach me at all.
"ayo ****",
NO, you cannot text me.
no you cannot take me home, or use slick talk to undress me.
"maybe if you dress more appropriate, with elegance and class"
how about i wear what the **** i want without being harassed.
"act like a lady"
please do not play me.
i will not submit to your labels of what a woman should be,
or how she should dress.
really? what's next?
will i have to wear nun outfits to get a date,
because it's respectable, then will i find a 'mate'?
get the **** up out my face.
maybe i shouldn't use profanity,
maybe it makes me less of a lady.
& maybe words like "****** & hoes" make me look ****** crazy?
*** you're so unlady like.
ok but i sleep great at night!
maybe i should be a lady, so tell me what is a lady like?
sorry, nope, i will NOT shave my legs every night.
i will not wear extra clothing to be pleasing in your sight.

ill strip my soul of its value and place it on your crown,
ill bow to your highness
if you'll never let me down.
-
im loyal,
law-abiding
and i want to be ruled.
string me by my neck with ropes of promise
and potential slaughter if i might ever stray away from the likes or thought of
you..
you alone are all i would ever need if you alone would make a space for me,
find a home and find a place in me.

stop trying to re-write the story you already know the ending to.
evidently you weren’t meant for him like he was not meant for you.

i am not the bigger person,
i take things personal.
i trade in my emotions,
vague role reversal.
i cash in my luck,
for a few moments of silence
by the waves.
i’m out of balance,
as the days go by
i waver
like
skipped rocks across the sea...

gotta go ghost,
running from a host of parasites.
parasites that want my light
and my vision,
they need my sight
and so they fight against me
with side eyes and envy.
-
they say that kind hearts come last,
i speak present talk and leave the past behind me.
no words can define me,
im a symbol of divine.
never questioning my mind
or what's mine...
-
i gain favor from the innocence,  
cleansed of all the inner sins,
tapped into whats imminent.
connected to my inner sense.

im losing my mind..
its violent
but for some reason when i look close enough i see a glimpse of what i once considered
sanity.
its strange.
-
all of the new beginnings i begged for; on bended knees with so much hope and surety, are so close in reach but so far from logic...

share a home with the monsters,
made friends with voices.
settled in what is chaotic,
still at peace in the noise
and
the madness doesn’t scare me one bit.

no love for the weak,
only loving on weekends.
no love through the week,
i am at my wits end.

let me love you,
let me need you.
you can have your cake and eat too.
Superman, your cape is crumpled in the corner of the room.
you can’t save these hoes and me too.
i can’t let them win, i need you.
i can’t let you in, if you don’t let me in.
i wont lose, you know im playing for the win.

look outside your window,
is it god that you see?
or is it just
"winds and rain,
and it should be over soon..."
-
if you might live to see another day,
i encourage you to live a different way
for you are not pleasing under the eye.
-
disconnect yourself from what keeps you scheduled
and hindered,
re-connect to the source from which you came.

but i crave connection...
unlike the mediocre 'claim to love' that has disguised itself well as what it can never be.
-
& i wont settle.