the black rose: Poems

May 2018 · 90

Untitled

the black rose May 2018

Untitled

good girl, gone bad
soft girl turned hard.
why they do you like that?
you let them make you so cold,
let them dim your light & dull your soul.

now you hate to feel.
what does it take to heal?

why does it feel so good,
to feel nothing at all?

Apr 2018 · 107

reelDistance pt.2

the black rose Apr 2018

reelDistance pt.2

UPDATE:
distance is misleading..
you think its what you want, and maybe it is but it is also not what it seems.
the idea that "if we can work from this far, we can definitely work" is so wrong.
communication is one thing, its good & once you can communicate you think you're already at a great start.. but its complicated.

i thought it could work simply because i was willing.
we both were.
but, there was a disconnect.. sometimes people dont realize their own flaws. they notice the flaws of others but when it comes to realizing personal issues, they become oblivious to whats seems so obvious.
i can state my every flaw, i can own up to them and i can apologize and adjust myself.
but he couldnt?
i appreciated his effort,
but in efforts to show my appreciation, i failed.
i valued him beyond what i showed him,
i was a wall.
i thought he understood.
he said he understood.
i was the one creating trust issues? though i was simply trying to adjust, i never disrespected. i kept my word and without being sure if it could ever work, i continued to seclude myself.. making myself unavailable to anyone that wasnt him.
it was clear to me that whoever was before me made it harder for me to ever get a fair chance and i was fine with that because i know how it can be!
everything that was thrown at me, i understood from another person's stand point and i adjusted without ever distancing myself or leaving..
but it wasnt enough!

i put everything anyone has ever showed me aside and i trusted that he would never hurt me.. i knew that he would leave and he made me believe that he wouldnt.
i hesitated.
he left.
though, im still here
better than ever now.
all i wanted was time.
all i wanted was the permission to repair the broken pieces of me,
in hopes to give you the best version of me.
all i needed was time.
its a process,
it still is.
but some people prefer finished pieces over works in progress.

honestly, all you gave me was honesty and clarity,
you were there, always.
thank you.
our timing, so off.
but our encounter, as small as it may seem
was essential.
you were everything i didnt even realize i needed,
you were everything i wish i loved and cherished while you were here.
but now you're there,
im still here.
my mind and my body still crave you,
the love i have for you still awaits its release.
you are perfect in the most imperfect way.
beautiful loss..

Apr 2018 · 763

to my daughter.

the black rose Apr 2018

to my daughter.

lost in the world, losing myself.
the first thought of you didn't help.
what will i teach her?
don't even know myself.
what will i give to her?
will my love be enough for her?

the reality of you came quick,
but reality forgot to kick in.

dealing with the world,
dealing with myself, as well
i found heaven in your eyes,
you brought heaven to this hell.
i take care of me so that i am able to take care of you.
i value me because you see the value in me.
i love me because you love me.
and i love you. i will always love you.
and because i love you,
i will treat you with care and affection.
i will speak positive over everything that you are.
you are kept & all your days will be full of complete bliss.
you will never grow weary,
you will not be mislead or insane
nor will you be torn down & content.
you will rise, always.

you saved me & i owe you my life, my love.

i owe you a life of meaning
full of peace, love & happiness.
i owe you wisdom & understanding.

bubby, i cant imagine a life outside of you.
my sanity relies on you.
my peace of mind and pieces of my life requires you.
thank you for showing me how true love feels.
how true love is.
thank you for keeping me,
without you i wouldn't know how to keep me.

my entire existence lives off of yours.
im just basically trying to say that you are my world,
and without you i would be lost.
i would not know how to love,
i would not know that there is love.
you are love & you are the most beautiful being i have ever laid eyes on.
the way you're so passionate about everything,
the way you are so challenging, and the way it annoys me but i wouldn't want to have it any other way.
you are so unique,
so full of energies that make others feel.
feelings of warmth and feelings of light.
never let the strains of the world take away all that you are.
please, don't allow it to make you hard.
stay soft & stay true
stay you.

i am here, i am there, i am everywhere.
i never leave you.
i am in the stars.
i am where you need me,
i am everywhere you are.
my promise to you,
to keep you.
to grow you.
to be a light to shine upon you.
to protect you,
to be true to you.
to be there for you,
when you rebel, and that you will..
i will hold my peace because i know.
and because i know me, i will know you.
and because i know you i know that the world can be trying,
but all that matters is your happiness and your peace of mind.
i know that we have to stay pure, and treat ourselves and others alike
; with kindness, care and genuine love.
we have to stay positive, and always see light in the darkest of things.
because, if you can make it through the night there is always a brighter day.

love, mom.

Ataya A'keah Racquel Saunders.
03/19/2016

#tomydaughter #lettertomydaughter #babygirl #love #mommydaughterlove #myworld

Apr 2018 · 915

Oblivion

the black rose Apr 2018

Oblivion

the world's a ******* mess
its gone to ****
and i am every bit apart of it
i may have started it.
try to find a greater shade
to be the way
to lead the way
i need the way
teach me the way.

the worlds a ******* mess there is no love
we need the love
we need to love.
show us your love, or how to love.
show us to care, we need you here.
show us the light inside of us,
give me the light to shine for us.
the worlds a ******* mess
its gone to ****
is this what you planned for us?
do you look down on us?
don't frown on us,
we are so lost.
we need your guidance.
we need confidence.
as we try to find a brighter side
to an elevated higher side.
its out of sight,
give us a sign.
oblivion,
wish i would go back
can i go back to no one?
can i go back to nothing?
my life's a ******* trip,
it makes me sick
im jaded, i hate it.
hate that im faking it,
as slow as im taking it.

can i love without losing?
how do i live without bruising?
no pretending, no delusion.
sweet, sweet oblivion.

inspired by jhene aiko's oblivion.

#jheneaiko #trip #oblivion

Apr 2018 · 2.9k

dear young chocolate girl.

the black rose Apr 2018

dear young chocolate girl.

just a young chocolate girl, in a toxic world. dipped in caramel and glitter with some tight chocolate curls.
how are you young chocolate girl?
are you happy and healthy?
are you successful and wealthy?
do you smile? do you laugh?
are you stuck in the past? are you over-thinking life?
why you quit on yourself? why you quit on the world?
hoping to be free like the normal girls.. that are living faster than the moral girls,
how you 20+ with no morals girl?
how you still let them young boys get to you,
how you less paid and more ******?
never mind that,
how your body on fleek but your mind whack?
how don't you miss an event?
trying to impress those that care less..is it hard to pretend?
you, young chocolate girl? are you lost in this world?
you should be searching your soul,
and setting your goals.
growing, knowing, minding your business.
$1,000 shoes and Gucci purses ain't at the top of your wish list.
you don't do it for the gram and you too focused on your goals to be dumb over a man.
you just do it like you planned and they do it like they can. why they just gossip like they fans?
set an example young chocolate girl, you gotta be strong for the younger chocolate girls.
you gotta teach her that its more to the world.
that love and unity means more than diamonds and pearls.
shape her and grow her, help her to get her **** right.
while you get it right so you can be bright and shine upon her, cause these little flowers need light.
young chocolate girl.. dont wait on the world.
be happy,
you are peace and you are love.
never lose your sparkle, you are a star from above.
you are the sweetest creation, and you are blessed beyond what you see.
don't settle, dust settles. it will get better.
so seek and don't be blind and then you will find that everything is yours already if you just free your mind.

oh, and young chocolate queens.. lead your special chocolate kings.
also confused and lost in some non-chocolate sauce.
help us, all powerful source.
God. Jesus?
shepard, your sheep's are lost.
why are the things they teach us so... off.
you are with us through the suffering? tell me when will it get better? will we be stuck and comfortable one more week or will we suffer forever?
am i not supposed to question you?
then how will i know? .. &
how come the ones that do the most ugly never reap what they sow?
& why must we wait for heaven, when we're only sure about earth? i said why must we wait for freedom and happiness while we are content broken and hurt.
how can i not worry about the nation when they don't live as you say,
but things continue to go on the same everyday.
dear Jesus? please show mercy on your children.
actions speak louder, please show us that you love us.
please open our minds, & open our eyes and show us what's among us...
dear universal God,
lead your children to whats promised.
take the blindfold off our eyes, and give us hope for tomorrow.
rid us of the pain and sorrow,
make our hearts pure and make us royal.
everything we face make us question and make us wise.
be our guide. lead us,
mold us into true KINGS and QUEENS. less followers more leaders.

ranting at 4am. raw & real. honestly without having to even think about words to write, i wrote this effortlessly and its simple but its coming from such a genuine place in my heart with such genuine feelings i can't even explain.

#youngchocolategirl #melanin #bahamas #blackqueens #blackisbeautiful #kings #queens

Apr 2018 · 91

x2

the black rose Apr 2018

x2

these days its like I'm getting less interested, running from things that don't make my life interesting.
ain't playing them games or doing them things with ya, ain't making a change or adjusting things for ya.
tho im never losing hope im too focused on the growth
& when you no longer need people is when they need you the most.
but when i needed you most, when i needed you close
you stayed so far away, so you can stay so far from me.
i built myself up, i built me up tough & i ain't losing my ****, im not losing with ****.
did you forget? you were the one being choosy, the one being so confusing
searching for something better baby and now you losing..
bet them other girls ain't like me, can't ease your mind like i did
can't put it down like i did
dont handle **** like i did for you..
you know its true, they ain't waiting up til 4am to listen like i do.
i can't even lie you caught me by surprise, you opened my eyes and made me realize things aren't what they seem to me and you ain't what you seemed to be. all the **** you claimed to be, was all a claim its plain to see.
in love with the idea of me but let's face it you broken too,
both got issues and both need fixing but i still never got cold with you.
trust got ****** up and you, you lucked up.
you got me in my feelings, you got me wanting to feel on you.
you had me into feeling all the things you said you feel to do.
emotions going crazy for you baby boy i feel for you. all those issues must be hard to carry
with all those issues it must be scary,
to give up your heart and give up your love..
but if you can't give up no trust then it just ain't enough
you knew i was good for you, do anything to do good by you.
i wanted to be the good you see when life showed you how ****** up it can be.
now the only thing i can give to you is words that will make you regret walking away, words i couldn't say..
words that make me wonder if they could have made you stay, or were you too far away?

Apr 2018 · 173

the last feeling.

the black rose Apr 2018

the last feeling.

"this is not to say that i wont ever feel anything for anyone, ever again.. but i will avoid everything i feel for anyone.. at all cost!" *

2 years.. left me broken, insecure, lost.
you tried to pick up the pieces but you failed.. was it my fault? was i too much of something too broken?
i knew i was.. & i warned you. you persisted.
my biggest fear has always been opening up to someone because in the end, i am left alone. by myself. where i started.. but with each time, the temperature drops and it leaves my heart a little bit colder than before.
i told you my fears, i made attempts to clarify my actions.. all you needed was time, i made time out of the little energy i had left..all i needed was time yet you didn't have that.
far from ready, i ignored what i felt in preparation to fix myself because i valued all that you seemed to be.
i was willing and even tho trust has gotten me nowhere and my mind kept reminding me how unloveable i am.. i still dropped all doubt, to fall freely into the words you spoke to me while at my lowest point.
you saved me above all else..
you made me realize how much i didnt realize.
but even tho at that point you made me feel so high, somehow you left me feeling lower than before.
now of all the things i realized, what i realize most is words are a waste. they sound good, and they seem essential but all they really bring is false hope and they channel feelings that are not backed by actions.
now, i dont hear anything.. words fall on deaf ears.
whatever is spoken is dismissed by my fears.

Apr 2018 · 195

the truth.

the black rose Apr 2018

the truth.

from the concrete, i grew.. a rose, more thorns than petals.
withering & dull.

growing has been deceptive.
i stopped cutting my wrists and my thighs, i stopped drowning myself in depressing music to cope with depressing thoughts. no longer walking with my head down, no longer crying myself to sleep each night; pillows smothering cries that are loud in the most silent way possible.
to the days *** & intimacy were ways to cope with issues deeper than me.
where being invisible was the only thing i dreamt of.
the desire to just fall off of the face of the earth, to disappear into my darkness and no longer feel anything. i was happier than i ever even realized.

now, i bottle things up. i DEAL..
i don't cry, i don't cut, i deal.
i put a smile on my face and keep my head high, i am the imperfectly painted image that could define the word strong.
i speak positivity, i breathe, i meditate and i know how to channel better energies.. but i am still numb.
though i seem strong, i am still weak! weak because i shut down! i let situations make me cold and hard.. no longer soft and sweet, i no longer feel anything so how does happiness get to play its role in my life?
whatever happens to me, i take and i make situations that should destroy me look like child's play.
there is fire beneath my skin and i am unintentionally still broken.
ive made peace with the parts of me that tell me to give in and that i need someone.
i cant give in.. and i don't need nobody.. nobody needs me
but, i need someone?
being strong is lonely.
being lonely makes me feel weak.
too dependent on myself... "i cannot depend on nobody" so i don't need nobody.
too afraid to let them near me, i would rather be alone than to return to my brokenness. i choose me. i choose lonely over the bittersweet feeling of having someone, because you never really have someone like you wish you did... but i need somebody?

alone with myself, alone with my thoughts..
mind racing because im infatuated with the idea of perfection and control. the only form of perfection i need is the perfect way to get over myself and let go.
i think too much because i am too alone with me.
i don't give anyone the chance to be alone with me because i am busy being alone with myself.
can someone handle all that comes with me? how will i know when the only interaction i have with people consists of me realizing how incapable they are of ever having me on the levels i want to give myself..
i love me. and i know you love me too.. but i love me way more than you.

my pieces have gotten less 'put-together', less about making sense & more about allowing myself to write freely.

Feb 2018 · 129

reelDistance.

the black rose Feb 2018

reelDistance.

this is not a love poem.. this is a trust poem! or maybe it's a lust poem.
a free-falling, free from failing, question if you must poem.

i feel everything so deeply, starting to feel like you complete me.
i know it's real because you teach me..without teaching me..
you taught me how to love myself. how to trust myself!
you made me feel like i was someone else & somewhere in the spur of my growth i realized i needed you most!
& in teaching me.. me.
you introduced me to you.
the idea of you seemed so perfect.
it was worth it but how can we make this work if
..we're this far..
but 'this far' feels so close, and the fact that being this far i still cherish you most.
& the distance doesn't disturb the connection.. the perfection that is your reflection is a reflection of how other men should be!
& when we reflect we'll see that this is the way it was meant to be!
               i want to be all you dream & be there with you as you chase your dreams.
i want to be there when you wake up, still there when you fall asleep ..
when you fall off i won't fall back always know that you can call on me!

& i wonder about your lips .. do they feel as good as the words they say?
& are you as warm as you feel from this far away..
    it's special how we connect, its a challenge
    it's reeling but it's a balance .. you keep me balanced.
                  *D.E.B

2.14.18

Dec 2016 · 696

laer

the black rose Dec 2016

laer

you see the potential, then you think of time wasted; you seek true hearts, but to you love has basted.
you visualize happiness, complete bliss and unity; but sadly you know how cruel love can be.
here's to a time where it doesn't pain to love! to a time where people are so above; dissembling, dishonesty but are aware and complacent, that admire soul & value aside from childish relations!

in search of real, true, honest, unfeigned
here's to the real, true, honest, unnamed.

im sooo rusty, I haven't written in years :( & I still **** at titles.

Jun 2015 · 474

omg

the black rose Jun 2015

***

there was always a fire in his eyes,
i mean the way they lit up at the sight of me was almost crazy.
he was my book of ****** fantasies,
i loved everything about him but the things i loved most were the ones hidden behind closed doors.
his voice would immediately arouse me,
but the moment he laid hands on me it was salacious.
as i bit my lip & gasped for breath,
it was almost never too much for me to handle.
you see, when you open up yourself to someone & not just anyone,
someone worth opening up to..
the feeling takes you places beyond what you can imagine,
its no longer *** its something bigger, more immense.
i can say not everyone deserved me, but he did..
never promiscuous.
we bonded in a different way,
i thought about him & the way he made love every chance i got.
it made me wonder, did he love me? or was the heat so misleading..

Mar 2015 · 579

Untitled

the black rose Mar 2015

Untitled

i just get upset.
i get so indignant, exasperated, bitter.
because i know that you are being mistreated, you are putting up with a flame you should be putting out.
you are wasting time with something that should remain beneath you.
you're so inure to the most unpleasant of things,
you just allow yourself to intake every bad detail of something that should have never even existed.

and i myself, i know how hard it is..
when you fall in something that seems so familiar,
it seems like love but its really the farthest thing from it.
darling, its been understood that all you want is a love compatible with what you give off.
but let me be of reminder, you will never find what you deserve if you settle for what is undeserving of you.
sever yourself from what is killing you,
you are better and oh so genuinely deserving of much more.

i can't stand to see you like this,
i myself were in the same position.
we are not perfect, though we try to be.
we cannot point fingers relentlessly, we cannot blame the ones that hurt us..
for they do not know how it feels to be so above simplicity,
so above feeling so below,
so above caring for beings that show nothing but lust & pointless liberation.

i want to show you how good it feels, the act of *redemancy.

been in my draft for awhile.. decided to finish it :) *i **** at titles, wow im sorry*

Mar 2015 · 590

yang.

the black rose Mar 2015

yang.

and its like the love never died but my soul decided to give you space,
i figured if you had wanted me, you would've made it clear to me.
or maybe you were afraid, that if you had shown me too much of you i would beguile.
your previous fleeting lovers, they left you so cold & so desultory.
i don't care that you are so full of insouciance,
i just want to show you that there is more to what you have been given.
i want to show you that the walls you have put up are worth letting down for someone.

it seems you are caught up in a past love, i know you don't want to be there but you're settling..
i have no clue as to why you are settling,
give me a ******* chance.. allow someone to show you better and stop being so grotesque.
allow me to love you til you're so drained, so empty that you have space for no other.
i will never allow you to get jaded.
with me, i will turn your calm days into stormy ones..
i will turn your shade luminous,
you will always want more.
when your mind tries to wander away from the thought of me,
my demons seek to drag them back into the deepest parts of you.
i will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible,
and you will love every waking moment of it.
i promise, you will never want to leave me alone..
you will fear anyone ever seeing in me what you see in me!
darling, you are the only thing that means anything.

Mar 2015 · 722

do they still exist?

the black rose Mar 2015

do they still exist?

so used to shallow minded, soul-less, only want to ****, only want you to ****, could care less about your goals, plans, dreams type of guys.
where are the gentlemen? the bring you roses, kiss your forehead, open doors & pull out chairs.. the "get dress, we're going to dinner", the what you need ima get it, the what are your plans, i wanna know your dreams, the "baby you can do anything". where are the guys that are over-protective, the "you can look at my lady but you cant touch", the uncalled for i love you's, the unexpected gifts, the traveling, and thrills.. we fight, we makeup! we dont ever break up.. the rumors dont mean **** to him, cause he already know whats up.. i want that.
do they still exist?
the guys that aren't afraid to open up, the ones who aren't too G to show you love.. the guys that cant get enough of you, they wont give anyone else the opportunity to get at you, focused on getting it for themselves & also helping you get yours.. champagne dreams & cartier wishes, walking down the isle, long nights & tongue kisses.. "**** them other girls, i got mine & she's enough" showing your lady love while these childish guys out here 'acting tough', haha.
so used to all of the same, that when i come across someone 'different' i rarely ever know the difference because my trust is ****** up, my mind is like get the **** and my heart is just pushing everyone away.

feels.

Mar 2015 · 948

Untitled

the black rose Mar 2015

Untitled

one day i have it all figured out & then the next everything is so obfuscated.
i have my mind set on those goals far beyond me, then i lose it as if i weren't just concentrated .. on things so important, on raison d'etre.

one day i'm at peace & then the next im in pieces.
i have my heart set on a man that probably wants someone far beyond me, and although he's losing & he's not concentrating on the fact that im rare.. fond of kalon, he is fond of me.
he doesn't know that what he is searching for is only right before him, foolish yet gapseed.

one day im alive & then the next i am barely breathing..
i have my feet set on a path too far, too complex, too difficile,
and although it may bring to me wary & bereavement, i will gait to the end.

Feb 2015 · 867

to you..

the black rose Feb 2015

to you..

and although i've never met you, i miss you..
i got lost in you, the kind of lost that's exactly like being found.
i want to explore you, objet trouvet.
i get toska thinking about you & your lover..
that should be me darling, you are well deserving of me.
well deserving of a lover that will love you until culmination.

feels.

Feb 2015 · 683

Untitled

the black rose Feb 2015

Untitled

ironically, love has ofttimes robbed me of my sanity & my peace of mind. my being.. destroyed by the time in which i’ve endowed in those i came to love. those whom requisitioned to love me in a way that would make forever seem reasonable..

and i find myself conflicting with people like myself, people that are looking for the same things that i myself are: soul intelligence, brilliance, killig, and a love that loves equally in return.

and when im away from him & his 'love', i feel homesick.. homesick for a place that doesnt even exist.
i sometimes question myself, i ask myself will i ever be able to experience hygge.

& sometimes i want to apologize to him.. for loving him so much, for being so passionate about caring for him in ways that he could never imagine, for trying to hold onto him when he obviously didnt want me in his life. all he wants is to be set free, but i dont think that i will ever be able to completely let go.. & i know he'll probably be happy without me & heaven knows that happy is all i want him to be. but when i love someone this much, a piece of my ego is with them.. if i let you go then you'll have to take a piece of my pneuma & quite frankly, im on my last piece. i am dying for your love & i am willing to face mortality.

venting..

Feb 2015 · 1.1k

allow me.

the black rose Feb 2015

allow me.

allow me the opportunity to show you something new,
something better, something real.. something that you're not used to.
allow me to explore you, get to know you better.
adopt your vitality, make you feel like a King.
let me show you that love can really mean something...

Feb 2015 · 2.5k

jaaneman.

the black rose Feb 2015

jaaneman.

jaaneman, do you think of me like i think of you?
do you believe in me as i believe in you?
i dont know if its me,
or my pessimistic outlook that is keeping us apart.
but, i need you like the stars need the moon.

sitting here on this day of inamorata,
wishing we could be together..
but dear, i know you've got somewhere else to be.
i know your heart is already full,
with no room left for me.

though, i'm never giving up on us.
i will fight for you.
i will fight until your heart is empty,
empty and shallow.
i will fight for you until the day that you realize,
i am the only one that will ever fight for you..

when your lover betrays you & leaves you out in the cold..
allow my being to be a form of warmth.
all i want is the taste that your lips allow,
i want to be your reasons why
& your reasons how.

this is my promise to you..
to never hurt you, never betray you dear i will never let you go.
here's to the day that i can finally call you mine, the day of *euphoria.

#love #bliss

Feb 2015 · 559

cheers.

the black rose Feb 2015

cheers.

cheers, to the day you find someone that challenges your inner being. someone with vibes so powerful that the only option you have is to bow down to her. cheers, to all of the broken pieces of your heart for she yearns to pick up those pieces. a being so powerful that even she is intimidated by her noumenon. an individual so passionate that when she moves the earth quakes, trees quiver and bones break. at the very foot of her throne, there are peasants trying to love her in the utmost unique way possible but darling, she is reserved for you... for she is only fit for a king. her melancholy so positive that you'll smile from ear to ear at the calling of her name. she will be yours to keep, i warn you.. she will be broken, she will have a past, & you will not understand most of her but darling.. please darling, do not give up.

its 3:08.. insomnia

Feb 2015 · 626

()

the black rose Feb 2015

()

i hear brontide as she calls your name,
a lover that she is undeserving of.
too monotonous,
she could never make your soul wonder..

of course she was beautiful,
but what you wanted was beauty beneath the surface.
she was no fit for you, a King.
she was a quean, you needed a Queen.
but you stayed, why?

i have cryptoscopophyllia but, to your soul.
she wanted to just love you,
i wanted to destroy you with the complexity of my love for you..
darling, why are you settling?

you cannot be apprehensive,
we are of the same unique animating principle,
yet in the end we are nothing more than love and space dust.

fallen in love with writing, honestly.. i hope you enjoy every single one of my pieces. xo
btw, i **** at picking titles.. lol

#love #beauty #soul #depth

Feb 2015 · 936

bêtise love.

the black rose Feb 2015

bêtise love.

i am sorry to temerate between you and your lover,
but when i want something i go after it..
i am on metanoia &
i am of finifugal,
because endings are not my cup of tea.

let's love each other recklessly,
lets rebel against our demons..
they may not agree with the choice we've made,
but who are they to have a say in anything that we do?
i mean, we are not always our own people but tonight we are..

i have saudaded to be near your love,
a love that i've never met.
promise never to ure, abuse or take advantage of my love,
comfort me with your being, allow our souls to intertwine..
allow our souls to dance to a beat that's loud to our ear but to others the music is deaf.
**the world is ours..

completed draft.

Feb 2015 · 787

the devil wears polo.

the black rose Feb 2015

the devil wears polo.

i find perfect peace in lalochezia ..
your being is selcouth,
this piece is adoxography to the world
but everything to me.

darling you drowned me so deep in lust,
i started to believe that it was love..
i sit by the ocean in the night time as if i am a paralian,
listening to the most peaceful sound that is the waves roaring..

the horror of my desolation,
seems to be washing away at the sound of the ocean..
i never want to leave this place.

i suffer eremophobia,
i just need us to move..
we cant stay here, we have to leave,
this is torture.

i dream of rasasvada,
i dream of apanthropinization.
le mot juste.

the title has a meaning behind it..

Feb 2015 · 419

can that be you?

the black rose Feb 2015

can that be you?

you know, i can sit here and write endlessly about how i feel & try to express through words what's hurting me..
but, at the end of the day this is only temporary..
the relief i get from writing is similar to the relief i get from cutting, its beautiful yet so ******* temporary.

of course, its better than nothing at all but i dream of a time where i no longer need to write poetry with anonymous subliminal statements\ messages.. where i no longer run on here every time that i feel an urge to cut or every time that i get this beautiful yet dreadful tingle in my chest.. i dream of a time where i can run to you, and you know without it being said what i am feeling..
a time where your ear becomes my canvas.
i dream of a lover that doesn't despise my scars but finds so much interest behind them that they won't rest until they know what caused them, who caused them and when it will stop.
a lover above all lovers, my lover... *but i'm stuck between "if its meant to be, it'll happen" & "if you want it, go and get it."

Feb 2015 · 1.3k

xxx

the black rose Feb 2015

***

did you hear them?
my cries for help, did you hear them?
of course you did, but you were so caught up in the *** & how beautiful it felt to touch me in ways that most had never gotten to.
you were too caught up in the grips of the walls of my ******, instead you should have been focusing on the way i was gripping onto your arm holding on for dear life, trying not to drown in everything that you seemed to be but weren't.

when i knew that you were only there for the ***, it was too late..
darling, i was already lost in your soul.. fighting your demons that couldn't stand even the scent of me.. they hated me, you hated me..
you claimed to be passionate about me when the only thing you were ever passionate about was the warmth of my body against yours, and the fire that we were so near to starting from the friction of your body rubbing 'gainst mine..
you were caught up in f--king me, when all i wanted was for you to f--k the **** out of my desires dear.
you wanted to 'make love' to me, when i really wanted you to make love to my being.
you were caught up in the depth of my intimacy when you should have been lost in the depth of my soul.
**my brain is a ****** *****, dont forget to stroke that also.

Feb 2015 · 573

you did this.

the black rose Feb 2015

you did this.

as i fell on the ground with a dull thud, listening to the cracking of my bones, did you really have to pretend?
you pretended to love me, you pretended..
i allowed myself to be intrigued by the lies that slipped from the beautiful place that is your lips..
you made me feel so powerful and now i feel... nothing!
because you lied & you had no idea what you were doing to me..
as i dug deep into my skin with a razor so sharp that it could **** a man, i thought of you and all of the things you said to me.
you destroyed me.
i had forgotten about you but you've somehow managed to escape from the oubliette.
is there a lover that i can run to for cwtsh?
NO THERE ISNT.. so what am i to ******* do to escape this horrible feeling? this mess that you made of me, how do you expect anyone on God's green earth to be able to clean it up? to be able to love me without question? you were selfish, i would've never done this to you.. but i should have, you were undeserving of my love, undeserving of a Queen and i hope any trace of happiness in your life crashes & burns.. i hope any bond that you try to create dies a slow.. horrific death dear.

just something i was feeling.. i never stopped typing once to think of things to say.. sadly

Feb 2015 · 846

to you.

the black rose Feb 2015

to you.

some say "i crave a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous", but i feel like i'm deeper than the ocean so what i crave is a love deeper than me.
i crave to love you so passionately, so beautifully that the demons that live within you will cringe at the thought of my being.
i crave to unravel all the horrific scenes of your soul and make them bow down to me, for i am Queen.
my love for you is numinous, so powerful that every virtuoso that has gotten comfortable inside of you will be begging for freedom. eleutheromania..
when you are frightened i will be your latibule, although the only duel thing you should be frightened at is the very touch of my lips pressed against yours & the touch of my finger tips running down your back..
let our skinship be the most powerful source, when we make love i want the demons of your past to scream in awe.
i will franch at your soul, until you are no longer of existence in a world so cruel, darling NOBODY can love you better.

#love #depth

Feb 2015 · 1.1k

a corps perdu

the black rose Feb 2015

a corps perdu

here's to a la mort of a love that can never be,
a outrance of feelings that never got to be expressed.
i hate that my heart is so refractory,
how can i be in love with someone i know nothing about?

never seen you yet somehow i've seen you,
never spoken to you yet i've had numerous conversations about you..
i want to enodate my thoughts onto the canvas that is your heart,
but how can i?

you're probably in love with a lightskin beauty,
but is there any room for a caramel skinned Queen?
or will i be too much of a challenge,
too much of something too brilliant?

my feelings for you are pygalgia,
please darling allow me the chance
to search your soul & find the most unappealing things,
but love you anyway...

you're soul is too ostrobogulous for a quean,
may my being coruscate in the very darkest place of your heart.
til you realize your soul's worth,
til you realize yupukta my love.

for one of my readers..

Feb 2015 · 408

the days of the weak..

the black rose Feb 2015

the days of the weak..

Monday is a struggle in itself, how treacherous she is, so unpromising..
Tuesday is just another day.. i try to get through but when you're losing hope its hard to even.. exist..
Wednesday is my least favorite day, im just waiting for Friday to get here.
Thursday, by the time he's here my existence is about ready to just fade away into the darkness that is similar to my spirit.
Friday is here, this is what ive been waiting for.. glasses full of whiskey as i try to numb the pain and as im half way through the only thing im able to do is remember you.. the very thing i am trying to forget.
& then Saturday comes, and i try again.. you know, it never works out but im not giving up! til the day i can drink glasses of whiskey and get inebriated without pouring out my heart halfway in because i miss you! i live for that beautiful day.
Sunday... oh isnt this great? one day before Monday and i start all over again.. the process.. its eating away at my soul & i dont know how much longer i can do this

idk..

Feb 2015 · 953

thoughts.

the black rose Feb 2015

thoughts.

he was a mystery in himself,
allowing me to have no trace of an idea of how he felt..
i was kind of mystery too, but the kind that if you got close enough you could easily find clues to whatever you were unsure of..
sometimes i wondered.. if behind closed doors he felt the way i did..
did he obsess? did he shed a tear? was he still awake at 4am?
of course he wasnt.. i was in this alone, werent i?
was it only me shedding the tears that burned my skin in the most beautiful way possible? was it only me obsessing over the things i would say & the things i wouldnt?
i believe it is only me..
but you know, i dream of a time where both he & i can feel the same unique feeling of love & bliss for one another, at the same time..
on the same level..
and for all the right reasons i have hope!
hope that he too will shiver at the wrath of my touch,
hope that he will open up to me enough so that even if i wanted to destroy him.. i would have the power to.

you know... just something im feeling!

Feb 2015 · 1.5k

4am.

the black rose Feb 2015

4am.

hello 4am,
we meet again..
but do you have to be so rasping?
drowning in my thoughts,
they want me to give in..
im nazlanmak.

mono no aware

reminding me of my Erlebnisse.
am i lonely or in love?
which one is worse?

i am an enternitarian.
i help me to live another day,
so 4am you will not be the decider of my fate.

i am druxy, indeed..
but do you have to rub it in?
will we ever get along?
are you interested?

4am you are franching at my soul,
eating at my being
& i can never be of eunoia
.. because of you

Feb 2015 · 608

when?

the black rose Feb 2015

when?

and with a heart so empty,
so fill with nothing..
does it even still beat?
i dont know, i cant hear a thing!

with my thoughts so loud,
they never let me rest at night
& when i finally do close my eyes in hopes to escape..
i know that the sun rises again to give me hell.

when i try to forget you,
thats what makes it worse..
i try to eliminate the urge for you to hold me,
i would hope that my screams are louder than the sound of your voice,
that lingers throughout my body at 4am.

when will i find peace?

Feb 2015 · 579

Untitled

the black rose Feb 2015

Untitled

i allowed myself to destroy myself in the process of loving someone who could never love me back..
*-an 18 word poem.

#love #pain #hurt

Feb 2015 · 1.4k

to a guy ive never met

the black rose Feb 2015

to a guy ive never met

ive been brooding,
lurking your pages,
thinking of how we would conflate so well..
do you think of me?
do you ever ask yourself, "does she exist?"

i admire your cynosure.
& i hope my eloquence impresses you.
will we ever be?
erstwhile.. maybe

im tired of relationships that are evanescent,
so when you get here, will you be here awhile?
i will imbue my love in you..
it'd require you to have interest in a non-ingénue being.
a being so brilliant that you will start to question your soul and the size of your crown, my King.

you will not become jaded,
inure,
for i am a Queen of lagniappe.
i will have you twisting and turning at the quakes of my soul..

is your mind as beautiful as mine?
is your soul as deep?
can we be panoply, i hope.
can our love be sempiternal..

*wherewithal of our love.

Feb 2015 · 428

euphor...

the black rose Feb 2015

euphor...

do we really want to be here?
or are we living in the moment?
.. with a scare from my demons,
the moment you realized who i was and what i was capable of..
why didnt you run?

you should have ran for your life,
you never should have came here..
and now,
now you made a mess of things and the bantam of sanity i had left..
disappeared

darling, did you realize the detriment?
did you realize the anguish before you left?
im not angry with you, because who would stay?
you should have left though..
when you realized that i was impractical..
when you looked in my eyes and saw my demons playing hopscotch in the back of my head..

did it scare you?
of course it did..
you left me here, alone..
you abandoned me because you were afraid but i dont need someone who's afraid to face my demons and all that comes along with me..
i need someone that will channel the demons and stare at my soul even if it is the most darkest thing that they have ever seen..
even if it scares you to the point where you wont know if you'll ever be sane again..

Feb 2015 · 632

Untitled

the black rose Feb 2015

Untitled

i've dreamed of cafuné,
long nights of habromania..
i died a little as i realized how much i wanted you,
no matter what your past was, or what you had done..
which was not to say that i would let you know,
but you moved me..
more chemically than anyone that i've ever known.

every other man seemed pale beside you,
had a scintilla of what we would be like together..
i believe we loved each other,
just never at the same time.

as im capernoited,
i think of you
which makes me only want to down the entire bottle of whiskey...

fanaa..
i have destroyed myself,
destroyed myself in love...
i dont blame you at all,
but with your help i did the very things i never thought i would..

i dream of an amaranthine love,
so eternally beautiful that we forget ourselves and our past
& just live off of love.
love, ive witnessed peripeteia..

ive dreamed of redemancy,
but i can only dream darling..

Feb 2015 · 389

title..

the black rose Feb 2015

title..

when its all said and done baby,
what was there to hold onto?
empty promises and lies?
i bet my passion still haunts you..

i bet my soul still makes you nervous,
i bet my voice still lingers in the deepest parts of your body..
like a disease spreading through your veins,
& i hope it never ends..

you will always remember me,
you will always miss me..
when you try to build something new,
with someone new,
all that you think you have will crash and burn..

everything you think youre creating,
will be diminished
& whatever little piece of happiness you find,
will die a slow death..

you will try to find someone like me
someone better than me but,
sorry dear..

Feb 2015 · 419

*too soul.*

the black rose Feb 2015

*too soul.*

is this really love? or is it more?
a feeling that cant be described..
yet, it feels like ive been here before
this moment, ive seen it
these feelings arent new to me..

this is deeper than love
its bigger than love
this is more powerful than any two lovers can even fathom

the way my soul quakes at the very sound of your voice..
the way my nose cringes at the calling of your name
.. the way im awake at 4am, expressing my feelings through a poem because i cant build up enough courage to spill my guts to you..
it hurts..
holding it in hurts more than letting it go,
you not knowing is hurting more than if you knew..

not afraid of being hurt by you,
babe im strong enough to get over it..
ive encountered too many sleepless nights,
too many dark thoughts,
too many cuts at the wrists,
too many wet pillows and broken pencil sharpeners..

too many to be afraid of love..
im stronger than ive ever been and im not afraid to search you!
im not afraid,
to search the deepest parts of your soul,
to love all of the bad parts of you.

i yearn for a lover that drinks whiskey and eats roses,
a lover not afraid to love me until i strain all of the energy from him
i yearn for the depth,
a certain compatibility that everyone else has failed to achieve

i want nothing to do with the ordinary,
i will not settle.
i want to know that your soul matches mine
that we are on the same mental level
so that when we are together, we are a force so powerful that the earth will quake along with our souls..

**or is that too much too ask?

Feb 2015 · 339

you.

the black rose Feb 2015

you.

....and the moment i saw you i knew you were trouble..
the way your eyes held so many different emotions
a devil in disguise

did i really let my guard down?
did i really?
held my breathe and dived into my feelings for you.
no regrets
    n
             o
                       n
                                e.

for a moment i hated the thought of what could happen..
but then you smiled at me
and...
well, i lost all control over my being
                         loving you recklessly..

no what if's, buts, or maybe's!
no why's or regrets
the moment i fell for you even though i was unsure if you felt the same way..
i was fine with it, baby is that okay?

i mean... you..
you're so perfect in your being
my soul is in love with you
in love with what we could be..
in love with the very thought of you loving me back
.. **can you?

my first time ever writing a poem.. my soul was made for this tbh

— The End —