thinking back to all the times i've cried myself to sleep
i find that i can never remember the reasons why.
could've been the blood running down my pale cheeks,
or the purple galaxies that were drawn all over my chest;
the stitches ripping at the seams of my mind.

it's not like it even matters.
it's for the best that the memories i have fit together,
like a mismatched puzzle.
summoning my past doesn't have any effect either
i've blocked everything,
as deep as the marianna trench,
for the sole reason,
to keep everything hidden,
even from myself.

mama told me never to talk to strangers
but what if those strangers were my age?
and they asked me for my number from a balcony?
i didn't see the harm
and ultimately there wasn't any

all i remember from that night
30 strangers and my two best friends
flashlights illuminating the rough path;
an off road with branches blocking the way
i remember the laughter that echoed in the darkness
and the screams upon reaching the abandoned house
goofin' in the moonlight
stepping into another world
the only thing that brought me back
was a scratch
and once we all reached back to reality
the lasers flashed from across the street into my hotel room.

i do not belong in the arms of someone i can hurt
because i know of my power
and ive done it before
ive done it to you
and the last guy
and the one before that
im incapable of loving you fully
and that's not what you deserve

but its a deep rooted fear
that you'll hurt me first
im not afraid if your words cut me like a knife
rather the cold, metal blade that you bear at all times
simply the thought makes my cells tremble
so i beg of you
to leave me as soon as you can
before i beat you to it.