you are full of tears
but that does not make you sad
you can get emotional but you are so much more than a shipwreck
maybe you get upset sometimes but that does not reduce you to a puddle of saltwater

you am so much more than sad.
you are strong, you are intelligent,
you are sweet, you are wonderful.
maybe you are sad but you are also inspiring and beautiful and valuable and unique

do not ever let yourself be defined by an illness. do not let a boy leave you because you are "sad", because you are so much more than a tear on your cheek, you are so much more than ugly crying, you are so much more than smeared makeup and sad is a feeling, not a state of being, not a personality trait.

do not ever let yourself be reduced to just "sad"
and tell that boy to go **** himself because you are so much more than sad

DEPRESSION IS REAL.
depression is not being sad. depression is gray-tinted glasses that affect how you see the world, depression turns your emotions from stone to glass, you never knew the meaning of "emotionally unstable" until someone drops you half of a foot and you shatter. until someone cancels on you and somehow you find yourself sobbing in your room because the demons in your head tell you that nobody ******* cares about you, nobody ******* cares about you, nobody ******* cares about you.
depression is real. i can feel it in my chest and on my eyelids and in my head and i can even feel it's iron death grip on my throat.
some days i swore to God there was a four-ton elephant sitting pretty on my chest, but i was the only one who could see it. some days there were five-pound weights hanging from my eyelids and the only way to keep myself awake was to pump myself so full of caffeine that my hands shook while my eyes were still tired, making me exhausted and anxious and hyperactive all at once. some days it took hold of my head, squeezing my eyes so that my reflection was warped and twisted and grotesque, whispering into my ears that i needed to eat less. you need to eat less. some days it attacked my heart. i can not describe the sensation better than to say that some days it felt like my aortas were being beaten by dull wooden stakes or like my blood had been replaced with icewater.
you're sitting in class enjoying a captivating psychology lecture when that thought pops in your head: "why are you even alive?" and your blood freezes, your ribs tighten, and something grabs hold of your windpipe so that all you can do to not say "i want to die" when the teacher calls on you is shake your head and say "i don't know."
you're sitting in math class and you're supposed to be learning about integrals but all you can think about is everyone's reactions if you didn't wake up the next day; you're sick but all you notice is that no one noticed you were gone. maybe no one would notice if you were gone.

one year, food was all that could make me feel happy; i found hope in the dopamine rush from the sugary calories; i rejoiced at the satisfactory feeling i got from devouring half of a pan of brownies.
the next year, yes, i know i have always loved dark chocolate but today i just can't seem to taste it. or anything for that matter.
the only thing i could get myself to ingest were liquids that would take my memories away for a while. i had no problem pouring cheap caramel apple ***** down my throat but could not get myself to pick up a golden delicious and bite into it because i knew i wouldn't have be able to finish it anyway.

depression is real. depression is a ****** up monster that leaves no part of you untouched and can steal the very essence of who you are if you let it. depression can ******* rip you apart. someone will tell you that they love you and all you will be able to say in return is "no you don't."
depression takes away who you are. because you haven't always cried every day, you haven't always been unable to eat, you used to be able to stomach an "i love you" and you used to smile when you saw your little sister.
this is not you, this is depression, depression is real. you are not pretending, you are not 'not trying', you are not 'broken'; honey all you have are some unbalanced chemicals in your brain. but we're going to try as hard as we can to make them go back to normal. i know you're in there.

depression is real. but so are you.

when he tells you that he loves, tread carefully, because chances are he's saying it under exasperated breath drunk off the essence of nightlife

when he looks into your eyes and smiles, know that it is not because he cares more about you than anyone else - he just likes the view

when he tells you that you take priority over others, know that you shouldn't always believe him, because at the end of the day he's out partying and you aren't; he's drowning in liquor but you're drowning in tears

when he wants to be let in, make sure you have your lock secured, and make him find the **** key. no more handing it to him, no more thinking it'll be different this time, no more making excuses - this is your heart and you cannot just play around with it anymore, he needs to know that you are a forbidden fortress and in order to get inside he has to climb every **** brick that you have put up for him

make sure that he knows that this isn't a game and your heart is on the line - do not let him woo you back into this cycle of boom and depression because you were taught that's only for the economy and god knows you want to believe that

do not believe it when your heart tries to flutter out of your throat and do not let yourself write beautiful metaphors to him because he doesn't deserve it when all he's giving you is a stab wound in return

you can see the blood and you can feel the pain, do not believe it when he tells you it'll be okay

I watched you give her the kiss of life
I closed my eyes, a memory returned
of the day you gave me
the kiss of death. Then, I drowned in the waves of your deceit, & those
fraudulent lies flooded my lungs
like an overflowing well.

The day before it happened
a deep resounding stillness,
the calm before the storm, &
now I'm choking on toxic gas
the smoke of your words
leaving me breathless
needing the kiss of life.

© Sia Jane

I dream of a home,
of a beautiful place
where I would be welcomed as somebody's own,
and have my own space.
I dream of a home,
where I won't be ignored,
where I won't be alone,
and I'm always adored.
I dream of a home,
where I can be free to be who I am,
where I could always be free to roam,
and instead of a 'can't' there would be a 'can'.
I dream of a home,
where I have all the things I could ever need,
I'd have clothes beautifully sewn,
and all the books I could ever read.
I dream of a home,
where the weather is always warm,
where the sky reaches up like a blue dome,
and I'm never treated with scorn.
I dream of a home
a home where I'm loved,
a home where I'm somebody's own,
where I won't be so alone,
where I'm always free to roam,
where I have clothes beautifully sewn,
where the sky is like a blue dome.
And I dream of a place,
a place where I'm free.
Free to be myself,
and to have a real family.
And maybe someday, I'll come down from this dusty shelf,
and finally be able to let myself love,
and to never be thrown below,
but to be risen above,
and I'll never have to suffer another blow.
…

Water drips in from the ceiling,
Diazepam kicks in to stop the feelings,
And no one even knows your name,
A pretty picture with a broken frame,
Room B just looks so empty,
Room C is a friend and A is the enemy,
Now you got to believe it or not,
This is your bed and it’s made so get in and be forgot

A cough becomes as natural as breathing,
Believing in something better is only deceiving,
I hear the screams echo in the Old Mill,
The shakes shaking up when I’m trying to be still,
You lock the door and tidy all your things,
Rest on the crutch that’s holding up everything,
Now I think you’ve already gone and said too much,
You make a castle out of sand and it’s gone with the smallest touch

Now you have a good time,
Be on your best behaviour,
These memories of mine,
Such a bitter flavour,
Voices in my head,
Whisper implications,
A hunger that’s not being fed,
Gives into temptations,
I can’t see the light,
This room’s got no windows,
Waste away at night,
Hanging out with my shadow

Now I’m the kid everyone hates,
Gets the girls, the grades and always turns up late,
I don’t talk to my shadow anymore,
It talks to me when I’m passed out on the hallway floor,
The same problem a different fix,
Different magician using the same old tricks,
The same problem a different fix,
Different magician ******* up the same old tricks