My mother told me
Stay away
She'd make sure of it
I had to bootleg you
For my personal alcoholism
I couldn't imagine a life
Without you rushing
Spiking my blood
But you took that bottle
And smashed it on the counter
You didn't have to stick it
Through my lungs
For me to stop breathing
I sweat at night
Screaming your name
My hands shaking
The withdrawals kicking in
I chugged down the
Medication they gave me
To stop it from hurting
But it never did
And it became a cycle
Pill
Whiskey
Pill
Whiskey  
Pill
Until the pain was

Gone.

There is nothing beautiful about
Crumpling to the floor at 2am
And begging yourself to hang on
There is nothing beautiful about
The artwork that covers your body
There is nothing beautiful about
Purging so you can fit into that dress
Yet society is glorifying it all.
Sadness is not beautiful
It's a twisted relationship with oneself
A million compliments couldn't build someone up
But one remark can send them crashing down
You become more afraid of yourself than
The monsters under your bed
We continue to praise something
That causes people to suffocate
Even when they're still breathing

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

it kills me to say this
but i've forgotten what your voice sounds like

it's been twenty-one days
and i am alive
(sometimes)

i want to drown myself in drugs
i want to drown myself in Jesus
i want to drown myself in self-loathing
i want to drown myself in you

the thought of kissing you
brought me solace on
sleepless nights
now it's the source of
my worst nightmares

i tried making dreams my reality
and reality my dreams
but you haunt every crack and crevice
of my being
i can't dust the places i can't reach

i am not well.

I always thought
You were the humming coursing through my veins
Until I realized
I was just the dust on your fingertips
Which led me to war
Between remembering and forgetting
I wished to read you like a book
And then burn every last page
I'm frozen between
Not wanting to breathe if I'm not breathing you into my lungs
And dancing in a dark alley with my fingers around your throat
I'm loving the person I thought you were
While you're deepening the knife into my chest