It's not that I don't want to see you,
It's just that I am scared to see you.

It's not that I don't want to be with you,
It's just that I don't want to lose you.

It's not that I haven't tried my best for you,
It's just that I don't know what I can do for you.

It's not that I don't care about you,
It's just that I can't get attached to you.

It's not that I don't love you.
I do, way too much that  I don't want to let you go.

- ponder

i write my feelings
for i lack the courage to speak
coz darling my emotion
is vast as an ocean
and if telling you them
with my voice
trembles at the sight of you,
you'll drown

and i'll be left with the thought
of drowning with you
or left, rubbing my voice
against the wind

At the back of my mind,
there are many thoughts,
There's always that one voice,
The voice convinced me of things,
If not all the time, it will be some of the time.
I never thought it could harm anyone,
In particular, I never thought it could,
But I underestimated the small voice,
I misunderstood its determination.
It takes control of me, feeding me,
With thoughts that hinders me from living,
Deters me from my path,
Bind me from reality.
I give in to it a couple of time,
My weak self can't seem to win over it,
Their determination overthrow my rationality,
Controls my life and action.
It tells me I'm not good enough, it tells me,
I'm not worth it, it tells me things that hurts.
It retreats sometime, and when it does,  I get so happy.
I could be happy with no second thoughts,  I can respond.
I can smile, I can laugh.  
It felt liberating to do so.
It felt as if everything are perfect;  my life is perfect.
It made me forget.
But then,  it didn't want me to forget.
The chain that held them captive wasn't strong enough,
So they broke free, they resurfaces.
"I'm back" it claims.

- ponder

I fear, that one day
You won't be there anymore,
That none of you will be there,
Probably going off to do something
Valuable in your life,
Or that you got sick and tired of us.

I fear,  that I won't be able,
To handle the feeling of,
Letting you go, after the journey
Of having to know you,  and
The memories that shared.

I fear,  that one day,  I might forget you
That I might get over you,  without
Knowing, that memories fade in time.
Then we start to fade.

I fear, that I might love you too much,
That I don't want to let you go,
Even when the time comes, for you
To let me go.

- ponder