Fires from a living hell
God has plucked me from conflagration
For the first time
I wiped tears of peace from my face

God, this universe larger than I, powers that be, Please hear my cry

I want to grow,
To make more music and write,
Meet people and travel.
If I don't, I'm going to stall,
Tumble into free-fall.
I would be the living dead;
A shadow of what I could've had.

I'm not scared of dying,
I'm scared of never living again.

No value,
Direction, motivation, trust,
Guidance, inspiration, role models, voice, belonging,
Career, money, health, hope, encouragement,
Patience, acceptance, love, sympathy, safety, or salvation

Driven insane

Lonely mountains of sadness, anger, courage and pain

Lets change this world
Let's make it better than we were left it
Let's make sure we have clean oceans and healthy land
Water in our lakes and rivers
Food in people's mouths
Olive branches in our hands.

No more wars
No more corporate overreach
No more fears of what we cannot see
No more sitting in our houses
Take back our democracy
Take to the streets

We can't think straight
Our stomach is in knots
We can barely eat anymore
And our love is dead

Ruthless world it is
Struggle is never ending
The rich proceed to get richer
While the poor feed on each other

I see my neighbors stop trusting
While friends and townsfolk cower
The market claims it's our own fault
When the chips were never in our favor

I want to fight a thousand people
Yet I'd only get my *** beaten
But I'm so angry at the treatment
This can't be the human condition

More than this world could hold
She was rough sketched perfection
A temporary rose

I think I figured out how to make her happy
Even though she is up there
And I am down here

Clippings in my life
Staying up at night
Are memories of afar
As echoes of the past
Flow through the portal door

In visions ballroom dancers
Masquerade and banter
I see through their eyes
A shade under the sky
Where kings of kingdoms
Repaired their stables
Repenting with each staple
Wondering if they destroyed the world

Warm summer blooms from the cold spring
When rain falls and snow melts
Flower petals show off their life and vibrance
Roses don't care for November
While the orchids dream of summer nights
Few violets will have memory of winter
Yet I will remember them all of my life

I write you my love, with words like a lonely angel
For eternity you have my dark adoration
Being with you was one in a million
Nothing compares to all the situations

From the domestic violence
To the endless interventions
To the drugs we did together
To the constant confrontations
To the cops we avoided
And the hit-and-miss rehabilitation

I'm so sorry you fell...

A whisper to our past
Haunting my future
Hinting at the emotions
Hearing your aberration
Beyond the earth and years
Wondering if this was all a dream, or just tragic fiction

When I look up at the stars, they give your description

In every city that we traveled
I wrote a diary at every station
I recorded every tear, every scream
Every laugh, every sensation.
The times you walked out of my car
The times I locked you out of the condominium
After we would both forgive so easily
We kept a strong and struggling relation

Though you are no longer by my side,
I walk the earth waiting,
For the day the end comes
And the goodbye becomes a reunion
Without fear, without hesitation

We don't want the wars of our fathers
We want to heal,
We want to learn,
We want to see what comes after.

Stripped naked, burned alive and thrown in snow
Sitting silently as job after job lets you go
Showering under a faucet in a metro
Savagely being beaten by someone you love and know

Exiled by your teacher
Kidnapped by a dealer
***** by an actor
Drowned in a theater

Locked in a crematorium
Lost in an aquarium
Arrested in a museum
Killed in a stadium

Shot in a field by my favorite person
Stabbed in the chest with a needle that's bent.
Stumbling blindly, helping her up, feeling it pierce again.

Every night, for ninety-nine straight
I have been losing my heart, losing my love, losing my mind over a woman that fell from above and plummeted far below.

These nightmares started when I stopped holding on and I let her go ninety-nine nights and days ago.

Delayed response to ground control, oh how I was crying.
In retrospect, I was just shallow; like an astronaut only watching
himself as the rest of the world kept steadily spinning.
Impersonal up here, never caring about winning or losing.

The star charts that mentors showed lost to what my mind followed,
A winding path through this sacred space which I unhallowed.
I didn't flinch at blastoff; it wasn't bravery, it was me being a coward.

Sweating in a far away bed, steel round walls with no decoration,
Straining my mind fighting the moments of suffocation.
Spots in my vision, distortion and discoloration.
Seeing stars I glimpsed my comet on exhibition.
I would have to come back around. It was just a matter of my rotation.

Retrospect from ages back and to beyond where we will have gone.
Black holes made that can never be filled, endless they came, endless they will come. To touch down in glory, or stay on the run. Life is just a rocket that departs from the sun. The rest isn't lost, it just hasn't been done.

So as we eventually drift into deep space and age becomes our dawn, remember to look out the window and wave to the passerby's.
They will cheer you on.

A cursed quench to a thirst I will never reverse
Game perverse
Coming in last, placing in first
Having nothing gives you something
Starving could be worse

Within the last few years since I left recovery, I have let many people and things into my life that have dragged me down over and over again thinking that my sympathy, empathy and support will somehow give these people the hope and help that I, myself was given. Combined with the feeling that many mistakes (that hurt people) I have made remain unfixed, my life choices from past to the present haunt me and cause me to lose sleep on a regular basis. I wake up half of my mornings feeling this isn't the life I want.

I feel used, unappreciated, helpless, unaccomplished, worthless, scared, alone, don't want to talk to anybody because I don't want to burden them... The list goes on.

(This is not every day. My friends, family and loved ones are plentiful and there for me. I am nevertheless thriving.)

This has caused me to be resentful, unable to trust, become guarded and unloving. This isn't me, nor the person I want to be. I have since cut out several people in my life, some suddenly and without explanation. I want to love these people just as much as I want to cuss at them. Steal from me, get loaded and make bad choices, refuse to pay me back, lie to me, cheat me, slander my name. Go ahead. You aren't going to be in my life for very long. Those types are no longer welcome, and I pray they stop one day because those people and those actions destroy this world slowly.

Regarding MY mistakes, there are some people I will never be able to make amends to because I will likely never see them again, while some will simply not accept it. Since I cannot make amends to these people, the only way I know how to feel better is to make a living amends and add good to this world in other places. These people will never know how badly I want redemption; for the last 6 months, I have given up my Saturdays and gone to the local ER and volunteered. My soul feels a bit better because of it and sadly it is the only institution that I feel valued at (irony that I don't get paid). I try and find things in my life that give me meaning, and do them. While some people will always hate me and only remember the messed up, strung out me, I have no choice except to breathe deep, but shaky, and trudge on. If this is the only life I will ever have, I choose to not let these people and my past haunt me. I choose to be here as a positive in the universe and will struggle with this until it kills me or hopefully until I don't have to.

I have tried for three years now my **** hardest to cope with a difficult work environment, deadly addiction and debilitating neurological issues. Few have given me answers or much less understood what the hell is wrong with me, none have provided a solution. Doctors don't know anything beyond their prescription pads it seems. The best help I get is a blank check for medical bills from my parents. They should not be suffering for my problems, I am 27. This only makes me feel more inept and worthless as well that I cannot take care of them. I took so much from them when I was bad, I don't want to take anymore.

I have gone and lost my **** far too many times because of what other people do... If you are finding yourself being self-destructive, you are likely hurting others with your actions. You need to remember that when you bring negativity to the table, you share it with those around you... I fight everyday to keep these negative demons away literally self-checking every hour I am awake and breathing (it is exhausting), but the factors adding to it must be recognized and dealt with. I'm tired of putting bandaids on infected situations, I want the infections out and the scars to form. I'm done with this phase of life's BS.

I made a promise three years ago that I would never give up, nor fall back to where I was. I am not perfect, but I will give myself one hell of an A for effort.

The few times when I see my efforts or apologies were appreciated, it feels like heaven. It is always worth it to help others as long as you don't give yourself and everything away.

We need to find a solution
To the mind pollution we have been producing.
A media illusion giving us delusions
Like ants swarming in fear and confusion.
Moths in a lampshade
With an unknown conclusion.

When I walk out my door, I hear the birds sing in silent symphony.
At the bus stop, the sounds of low humming engines and rolling tires.
Outstretched clouds of pure white follow horizons.
The percussion of rain clinks on boulders, drumming quietly.
Bee's wings play muted notes on flowers, sweetly collecting.
There is so much more than radio static and dull ads full of ditties.
Nature's ensemble invented the beat, rhythm, and the harmony.

Surmounting expectations create competition with me and my companions.
People now bumping into each other from exponential expansion.
Existential Conundrum.
It happens.

You have to get a job, be better than everyone else.
You gotta get rich, but donate and be "selfless". Be an entrepreneur with millions that saves dolphins, bungee off the Eiffel Tower with the Prime Minister of Ireland.

Can't help but feel like we were born in a sandbox with too much expected from us, with such little, never promised rewards.
Cardboard presentations with glitter and glue, high scores on the whiteboard.
"Mom, please... I'm bored."

A Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, immune to hangovers and pressure, while keeping a 4.0 who must always be "in the moment", in full control.
Yeah, right. Maybe with a rich football coach who lets you smoke and dope if you run a ball and don't choke... Pray you don't grow old and dash his championship goal.

So when I feel my life is diminutive, worthless with no conviction, I just tell myself that I helped people I never remembered or knew. Nobody really has a clue with all this media, race and religion. Whether you think it's science, fact, or fiction, It's just a temporary illusion of your imagination.

I sit here contemplating altruism.
I wonder why I get frustrated when there is no reciprocation.

Teach a man to fish, he will steal all your business.
Give a beggar coins, he can only buy a pint of Guinness.

I'm ******* tired of this ****. Somebody is living their dreams by taking mine away. I'd rather be beaten and hit than give up one more day.

Like trying to play guitar for others, just to be told "You ****".
I try to ignore the deterring phrase, "You'll never make a buck".

Teach a child love and tolerance, he will be abused and stepped on.
Give a loser a second chance, he will steal from you when you're gone.

Altruism doesn't exist. It's in my nature to share this exhibit.
Too bad it hurts me, feels like my belief is somehow complicit.

I hope I can see what I should give, and what I should prohibit.
Judge my charity, my gifts, my intentions, these words from my lips.

You call me an altruistic *******... But you're just a selfish *******.

I'm having a dozen dreams a night; fluid and lucid.
I prefer this imagination and fantasy in my bed.
It's a lot of fun, also terrifying,
All in black and red...

Deep diving indoor pools with oil rigs and sea monsters.
I butterfly and sidestroke across the unfathomable chlorine waters.

Gliding downstream through swampy, vine-roped forests.
I end up in mangrove lakes, a canopy of bright glowing mushrooms.

Zombie hordes making me hide in closets at my parent's house.
They never break down the door, I don't understand why they carouse.

Being in a place without time, space, colors, physics or floors,
Talking to people I barely know, with no names or faces. Am I bored?

Sitting in my underwear on a dock, waiting for the bus
The others don't even seen me, but the cute girl next to me does.

I learn to fly, jump off a roof, start falling, then forget.
I twitch in my covers from a concrete slab, comical to wake up dead.

Sometimes I just sit in a cave with a reflection of myself
Talking to my ego; arguing and reasoning with nobody else.

Every time I close my eyes and lay my head,
I feel like a mad-hatter, locked in wonderland.

Lifting my chest, I float from safety
An anxious excitement at the proposition of infinity
It's not a drug, it's formless, ironically.
Cheating won't let me.

I just want to let my lids relax
Let my hands fall free
Lean back into vertigo
And let the glow consume me.

Holy Grails and books of ancients
Cannot deny me because of sins
Nobody suffers except for the angels
Who will have one less friend

Of warm, still winds,
Which willows bow and bend,
The place where we go, we assume never ends.
Elysium, Nirvana, Valhalla or Heaven

To disappear isn't my wish
I want to be lifted away from mortal fear.
I just desire to feel more than this
With these few precious moments I have here