has  this delicacy
of invading my space
and touching my soul

1.
i fear you more than i love you

2.
sometimes i wish you were dead so that i wouldn't have to leave you but i wouldn't have to live with you either

3.
i went to dinner with a friend you forbade me to see. when i hugged him, his body was neither as soft nor as warm as yours and i didn't like it very much. there was no ****** tension; only liberation, and deep, deep guilt.

4.
sometimes i lie to you about my phone being out of battery. it's on airplane mode because i need some time to myself and you don't like it when i ask for "alone time". why do you need alone time, you always ask. i don't know how to explain it to you anymore.

5.
i wish i had never met you because i am in a cycle of evil and fear and guilt and pain and sure some days you make me feel loved but mostly you just drive me insane. insane, not in the oh my gosh i'm so in love way but in the i don't know what's real anymore way.

6.
i feel weak because i am not strong enough to leave you.

7.
i feel strong because through it all, i have survived.

i.

Each night she will hide inside
while blankly staring at the ceiling
a fake smile will paint on her face
and there flashbacks will start to appear
mixed emotions inside her
the feeling of being unwanted
will slowly destroy her heart again


ii.

Without even knowing tears will fall
trying to wipe it with a piece of cloth
yet it won't stop till she fall asleep
her sobs are becoming louder each night
trying to cover her mouth so one will know
that she's in pain and just pretending to be happy

iii.

Bucket of tears day by day
caused by the unknown pain
of loving unconditionally
yet got nothing in return but
pain, sorrow, despair and hatred
bucket of tears is what you gave to her
instead of embracing her onto your arms

iv.

To leave is all what she wanted
yet there's no more escape
she's inside a jar of memories
that you made together
but she's now left alone hanging
and only looking back at those
while you walked away
without even saying your final goodbye

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

I used to look at you.
And feel everything in me scream.
They may say I'm empty.
I almost believe them.
but that quantity of love wouldn't pour from an empty vessel.

I don't regret you.
May be I should.
But why should I.
Because for love's sake.
You gave meaning to my heart.

Will not make you feel better about your hate
Your certified misspelled life that echoes solitude
Your craving for purpose
but still clinging to your virtual reasoning

This poem will not clot your wounds
neither be your salvation in your agony
or your hope in your fading conviction

This poem is not for the faint hearted
Or obtuse sluggish thoughts
the ones with trifling victories of life
that are swept away inevitably

This poem is nothing but a speck of your lives
it'll not suffice your haplessness
Or your pitiful endeavors

This poem will not reborn your hope
Whether it was written by Born
Or not

One day you showed up.
I remember hugging you at the door that night.
I was so happy.
I always believed all my problems could go away.

I sat every weekend and waited for you.
Mama said I was crazy.
Mama always knew best.
I don't know if i should have listened.

On a cold veranda every weekend night.
Listening for any sound.
Watching every shadow.
Hoping you would show up.

I don't know if I still wait for you.
Years have gone by.
To the world, it may seem like i found you.
But deep down, I know I wait for you still.