my memory can no longer make out the seahorse shaped birth mark swimming across your thigh
the one you said was a good luck charm to rub every time you got nervous

i have packed all of our adventures into a box in the attic and broken the ladder so no one can climb up and memories cannot slide down

your hips sang songs bringing me to my knees calling
come back to me but

your mouth has become a cavern that I once wanted to crawl my way into
and now I'm standing in the sunlight peering into the vastness

and the dark is no longer calling to me

this would be the moment i would savor
running my fingers along your jawline
tracing the stubble up to the nape of your neck
up through your hair

this would be the moment i would savor
the second our lips grazed each other
your tongue slipping into my mouth
teeth nipping at my lips

this would be the moment i would savor
our bodies rocking in unison
the music pulsing in my ears and through my body
the way my heart was beating in my throat

this would be the moment i would savor

this would be it

all these words and I cannot form a single sentence about you and me
it’s like you are forbidden fruit
the apple I so violently want to grab
the devil is egging me on
when there is a greater force begging me to recoil

you know I thought I had ruined it
You know
ruined you
But you never forgot how to love me
And when I love you slipped out of my mouth that night you said it right back

you know who you are-

if you are reading this i am sorry.
truly sorry

you're eyes are a hurricane in the distance waiting to strike
like a fierce gail force wind blowing in my face
knocking me on my ***

maybe i am foolish,
for i feel i am biding my time
waiting to meet my creator
drawing my blood to check if i am still alive
purging memories from my mind
gulping  hallucinogens to try and see the future
but all i can see is the past
all i can see is you

i remember the nights we filled the air with laughter
shining our faces to the stars greeting them like old friends
lying on a carpet of grass that molded to our bodies
listening to each others breath sounding like the hymns of angels descending

but now all i can do is sleep
pretending the world hasn't ****** me up seven ways to sunday
trying to calm the rattling in my lungs
trying to pretend i haven't bee split in two like the spine of a book and ruined everything inside

I have been waiting to tell you this for years
but every time my lips began to part all that was left on my tongue were the ghosts of words that were once there
my throat starts closing and it feels like i have just swallowed a million shards of glass
so i don't say it
i want to say it
but the glass is multiplying and i can't
i can't tell you
i already know it won't work out
we've tried after all and we were always on different planets
thousands of light years away
it is 7 p.m. and i am thinking about you as much as i do when i can't sleep at 4 a.m and
now that we are on the same planet
i've found the words that were lost for so long
and they sound **** close to I Love You

I am 21 and i watch as
his hair curls slightly as he combs his fingers through it
he buttons the last button on his shirt and all i can think of is teeth
and how one by one i could so easily undo them and reveal a canvas of  tanned smooth skin

I should have kissed him there

I am 19 and sleep has become an option since the night he told me i was the only one he wanted
i replied with the timing isn't right but told him i loved him anyway

I should have kissed him there

I am 18 and timing is a *****

I should have kissed him there

I am 16 and I thought that there was only one person i could love and it wasn't him
it was his best friend

I should have kissed him there

I am 15 and he is the only one who gets me
he is my best friend

but now he isn't mine to have

I am 21 and
i should have kissed him there

how to get over someone that was never yours to love:

step one: remember everything, savor every moment
remember the time you went long boarding and you crashed, breaking your ankle and he offered to carry you the rest of the way home.
remember the time he told you he loved you but you were out of his league (you should have disagreed)
remember when he let you cry on his lap when his best friend told you he hated you.
remember everything

step two: hate them,
hate what they wear and how their shirt hangs loosely over honey comb colored skin
hate who they talk to when they are consumed in a conversation
hate their smile and eyes and lips and finger because they are the parts of them you loved most

step three:  cry your heart out,
dry out your tear ducts until all that falls is ash and dust,
drink until your blood turns to alcohol,
drunk dial him a few time and tell him exactly what's on your mind
finally tell them you love them because maybe you don't know it but they may love you too

now i am a burning being
and you're the one
that set me on fire

we belong together
maybe as friends,
maybe as lovers
but god do i hope it's the latter

i am a ghost story
a glass half full shattered on the floor
a dusty attic holding feeble bits of memories
memories like you and i firecracker fighting
being daydream drunk in the middle of the afternoon

i am weak
i cannot bear the weight of your eyes upon my body and so i breadcrumb crumble
ashes to dust
dust to ashes
onto your dank cement floor
and i see you thinking that if you clean it up fast enough no one will see what you are capable of

you're still a mystery
aren't you?

i still haven't composed a web of words for you
have i?

I haven't written about the time we went skydiving and i didn't scream
but when i did scream riding the roller coaster on the boardwalk
you made fun of me

i didn't tell you that the words got lost up there at 18,000 feet
and i haven't been able to find them since

I haven't compared you (nor will i) to the stars and the moon
but i will compare you to a bed of rose thorns
craving and drawing blood with the slightest touch

i will compare you to a stargazer lily
my favorite thing to look at

no one can stop this evil
the devil is crawling from the pit of my stomach
causing an aching throughout my bones

no one can escape the dungeon of my body
luring in victims
hanging them noose neck from my ribs

waves are crashing and in them is me
flames are burning and in them is me
wind is howling and in it is me
the earth is turning and in it is me

He wears his hiking boots to bed
and feels at home in the pines
he feels his heart hurting as he looks across the glacial lake thinking that this is the only place to be

he dips his feet into the river
and casts his line with the grace of a dancer
he calls to the fish to offer themselves
handing me the rod when one takes the bait

he starts a fire and breathes in the smoke
sets up his tent and bows to the wind that whistles his favorite song

he pulls me towards him
and we ponder the stars
where we came from and where we are going

this is it
this is him
this is us
and this is our forever

If there is a god he will have to beg my forgiveness

- carved into a cell by a Jewish prisoner

I want your last breath
before the unknown of sleep brings your world to a halt
before the nothing of your world is consuming
unapproachable
unimaginable by anyone but you

I want your body
before you give it away to the sandman
before you becoming heavy with relief from a long day

I want your touch just one last time
burning embers against my skin

take me away with you
give me your love
give me your heart
give me all of you

he wears cowboy boots to bed
and says "yes ma'am" like sweet tea pouring from his sunburnt lips
once we went up to the lake hitched our horses and went skinny dipping and he left his hat on

he removes his hat as a sign of respect
he holds a hand over his heart for the friends he left behind
he taught me to ride like my soul was being set free from that castle walls that were built

he two stepped with my mamma
when the music rang out through the grass
but that didn't make up for the time I was late for dinner because we couldn't pull our eyes from the stars

he shook hands with my father over burgers on the grill
high fived my little brother and called me baby
but that didn't make up for the time that we drove out the canyon and danced our way to the top of a mountain with no reception
we danced and swayed and stayed until the moon called me home

I'm calling from every cavern trying to hear myself louder
to make me believe that it's over

I don't want me right now
so how am I supposed to want you

wanting death is a poison
it takes over selfishly
but all of us in here want it
all of us in here are selfish
pinning for the first dance with the devil
for the first sip of poison

the woman in the bed next to me hears voices
the cackling of the clowns in her face
she tries to sleep and in her dreams she's running towards death

the russian woman in the 34A is screaming for someone to help her
but help her from what?
no one knows
she is pulling her maine of hair out
which was once so pretty when she was a young lady

the boy in the bathroom is trying to throw up lunch like purging will make him more of a person
now he asks me for a breath mint pretending like it's our secret
the next day he took a bite of the poisons apple hoping prince charming will find him one day

I kept begging to turn back time because i didn't belong here
but when I found a girl who's scars matched mine we told stories of the devil's diseased trees
and how laughter become painful noise

we talked of how the wind began to hurt and whisper to us
it would tell us that the only way to escape was to pick the leaves off the trees in the forest of hell

she made me realize death wasn't what i was running from
she made me realize that hell may be at my heels but it doesn't mean that i have to keep running
she made me realize that if i want to i can turn around and look the devil in the eyes and say
you won't be the end of me

wanting death is a poison
it takes over selfishly  
the slow seduction of the devil
the encroaching madness of the clown at the carnival
a stampede of stallions running straight at you
and snow whites situation doesn't sound that bad

leaves become razor blades hanging off of brittle branches
laughter becomes nails on a chalk board screeching into your ears
the wind bites and slices you to pieces
and no matter how fast you run hell is at your heels

"Tap on my window, knock on my door, I
Want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore"

you sang me these lyrics as the car slide
ice skater triple axel
fumbled landing

the trees became massive
bigger and bigger
screams blurring my vision
i didn't know i could make the noise of an animal in agony

but he was silent
like he had already gripped the reality of what was about to happen
hurtling backwards now his eyes haven't moved from straight ahead
like a trance had taken him away
his spirit already gone

the car didn't make it
neither did he

he spent years in the pouring rain
just trying to make me feel beautiful
and i did when he looked at me
but i always belonged to someone else
and before i could come knocking on his door in the pouring rain

he was gone

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there are six basic human emotions
sadness, anger, surprise, fear, happiness, disgust

sadness:
always remember how powerful you are
you can change the weather with your tears
making the sky cry out and light up in flares

anger:
you can crash the waves with your anger
peaking at colossal heights
swallowing everything that gets in your way

surprise:
you could power our whole neighborhood with the light in your eyes

fear:
you quiver an 8 on the richter scale
bringing building to the ground

happiness:
your teeth are the stars and your face is the moon
I could stare at them all day

disgust:
papaya tastes like ***** anyway

our heart creates enough energy to drive a truck everyday
and I chose to drive mine on a collision course with yours

I want to touch the ink that covers your body
ask you your secrets
search your gooseflesh skin

I want to sink my teeth into your perfect lips

I want you to **** the nectar from my sweet spots
tangle our hair into one

I want you to hand me your soul in a cloud

I want your jumbled teeth
and your tell me everything smile

it started as an escape
a way for you to lose yourself
you don't need to disappear baby
but when the weight of life becomes suffocating
think of me

don't swallow that hatchet
think of the rainbow sunsets
the way the sand contours to your body
no crevice left untouched

don't drink that poison
it will slowly drown everything you love
watch the children running down the street
they still see in neon
the world hasn't lost its color yet

my mind has gone up in flames
all that's left of my soul is embers
"let it burn baby"
you say this like it's possible to escape the fire eventually

if they say blue fire burns the hottest
then i am as blue as the glacial pool we drank from a thousand miles away from here

i feel the fire encroaching
burning holes first in my stomach
up my throat like i am tinder
and then all i can breathe is smoke

it's in my nostrils
pouring out of my lungs
scorching my eyes
and then
then
i fall to ash

there you are
grinding the words that crawl out of my mouth
a hello holds a thousand questions
you could be the one
lets entwine and find out
lets search each others bodies for sweet spots
coffee ground stained fingers
touch me
hold this cream skin
you can't take your eyes off of me
maybe we are meant to be
you're electric
you're mysterious
it's time to be welcomed into this hollow home
ramble on
I have a soulmate
but you make me question whether my soul is split in two

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look into my eyes
let the hurricane world fall away
touch my skin
kissed by a sunlit sky
feel my soul
blanketed in stars

I watched as loose skin, hung over bones so fragile they threatened to break, joints cursing at every bend, willing to stop working at any given moment. White porcelain filled with lukewarm bath water kisses her naked body ever so slowly as she allows me to help her lower her brittle body onto the harsh bottom of the tub. She looked up at me and smiled a half hearted smile filled with thousands of apologies that she could not find the words to utter. In that second my heart broke. Her eyes are glazed over with shame that she is incapacitated in this way.
I did not know skin could loosen in all of the places that it has, it’s as if it sags to cover every memory, good and bad, and make room for more. As we occupy the same bed she turns her back and forgets my presents, but as she rolls over and sees me she tucks me in as if to say, we will do this together.

it's a production
a pirouette into ptsd
a bone biting oblivion
a comatose cry
a shattered glass masterpiece

it's a production
this living with monsters calling your name

it's a production
a sold out performance
of silent dancers longingly gliding across your brain

my nightmares are full of disappearances
and lately I have been losing myself

I wake up gripping for any remnant of who I was
only to roll over and find you white knuckle gripping the girl I really am

straddling the fine line of past and present under a seamlessly perfect blue sky I was hit breathless with the thought of existing

ever since I began trying to comprehend the fact of human existence
my world has gotten fuzzy
right has become left and my brain has been set on fire

my nightmares are full of disappearances
and the first the to go was me

And it hits like a semi  
Rumble strip road vibrations
I must have fallen asleep
Just for a second
But that second was enough

Sideways divider that didn’t win the fight
The metal flying towards it
Cracked concrete bed
Upside down sky scraper
The unforgiving 17
Winding up the pass like a snake about to strike

Stay away from the careless
Ripping down the left lane
Ease up behind the reckless
Be the cautious
Be the snail
This is where you don’t hold your life entirely in your own hands
This is a flock all headed to the same place
Unaware that the people next to you exist

Break lights flashing
Glass cage shatter
Airbag punch
Stay awake

I have become a maelstrom
ripping down sheltered memories
shifting plates
and drowning secrets in my wake
so, I will start to keep company with myself
go back
spell check the dyslexic scribbles of full feelings
to make the story new
the prologue has to change
contradict my appetite
I am no longer hungry
for you
though I am hungry for
new
I have a way of ******* things up in total
but what if I **** up in pieces
put them together and the story will be whole
I will rebuild the house
rearrange the plates
the ground will stop shaking
and I will leave you in my wake

sshhhhh
slow down
everything is moving at a mind numbing pace
I can't tell where I am anymore

this body feels like a vice
growing tighter and tighter
the madness is coming back
my brain is swelling and my skull has no give

all I can feel is my body shaking willow branch in the wind
I can't type fast enough to get the smatter of chaos out of my head
this isn't a poem
this is a frantic plea of distraction

I just need the pill
it's sliding down my throat
ten minutes is a life time when you are counting the milliseconds

here it comes
relief
the swelling is reducing
the wind is dying down
everything is coming into focus

You asked me to write a love poem to you
But I don't know what to say to a whole heart
Being broken is more familiar

My heart was Pandora's Box
that someone else had pried open letting out the seven deadly sins
and you were the one to come and lock hope back in

And now I claw for you in the night until you pull me close
whispering to me words that the lonely long for
telling me that the demons of the day are locked away

You have become the master of my mood swings
breaking the chain before I get too high
coaxing me out of the hungry darkness on my bad days

But now it is time for you to lay your heavy head on my lap
allow the Sandman to take you to places unimagined
let me hold your hope

I watch her parting lips
form around tongue-tied mouth
waiting for the words to come
waiting to hear what she has done

I brace myself for what I am about to hear
astonished that somehow she can see through the cascading tears
a haunting silence fills the room
She says her time is ending soon

Don't touch me
Wait, don't go
My mind has called the rebels and
I'm scared to be alone

Hold me
Quiet though
Wrapped in your shelter I feel like I'm home

Delilah baby I can feel the weight of you in my arms.

I can feel my k to z love for you and see how that laugh of yours makes people cry
and how that smile pierces my heart because it looks just like his did.

I can feel the sun kissing each one of our toes as we sit overlooking the grand canyon in the kaleidoscope sunset.
your spider fingers are wrapped in my hair like a plea to never be left alone
your spindle legs are all knobby kneed and pale entwined with mine.

baby he left me not you.

I was a hurricane and he loved you too much to look

afraid that one glance and he'd be head over heels reeling out of control
like you were the drug and he was the addict.

they say everything happens for a reason and you are my reason.

Delilah baby you are the here and the now of forever.
the stop sign on the corner is an obstacle for street racers but its a godsend because its just enough of a pause for me to kiss you between the eyes.

and I can't ever finish anything so this story isn't complete

and at the top of the pass where the air is clear enough if we sing loud enough maybe he will hear us and remember who he left behind.

He looks so out of place curled alphabet pajamas against pale blue cotton sheets
Leaving me intravenous tube tongue tied
Wishing it was my veins the poisons were running through
Cause this green eyed baby doesn’t know the opposite of life yet

Shattered glass whispers from the hall slingshot my heart into my throat
At six this reality should be as far away as Pluto
This word that consumes life
It should be tucked away in the closet behind any monster that lingers there when the lights are off

He isn’t ready for the liquid filled lungs to take over and steal his breath
He doesn’t yet know any synonyms for love or how you feel invincible in the arms of the right person
He doesn’t yet know the imperfections that fill the world
He still believes in the magic that spills out of his favorite books
And still trusts without question
He hasn’t had time to grow into the person he was meant to be

I am not one to believe but lately I am thinking that
Whoever fills the sky
Please
Let it be my lungs
Let it be anyone but him

This perfection
at my finger tips ebbing closer and closer
circling satellite numbers inside my head
55, 47,42,38, 35,29, 28, 24, 20, smaller, smaller, smaller
This is all that matters

Brittle bones
accentuated hip bones
bruises smatter over transparent skin
like a painters next painting that found a home in the dumpster full of could haves

Flat stomach
Ya, celery is my favorite food...
and I can't seem to get out of bed

Sunken eyes,
but I don't do drugs

Perfection is so close
Numbers
Smaller and smaller
Flatter and flatter

I left behind the person I used to be
She is waiting on the other side
with open arms

April Showers

Kurt Cobain died in April
His heart hurt too much to watch his baby girl witnessing him suffer
He left a not telling her that he did this for her
and as for Courtney, she held on to him as tight as he would let her,
knowing depression and addiction are the evil in the world
I can relate to craving the taste of metal in my mouth,
of ******* someone so hard that they nearly break from all of the hurt I pull out of them and make my own.
What he did was not selfish, was not a rash decision,
what he did was self preservation, he traded his body for another one
by crushing the control center of this one.
It was his last resort and leaving behind his baby was the only choice for her to find happiness.
I understand Kurt
The last time I felt the willingness to be alive was the last day that we were together.
That last ride I took free falling backwards into your truck as you navigated the roads that we so often used to call home.
I have shriveled in this world into such a small being
I have forgotten what it is like to feel like living is a good thing
But I will stick around here for you.

“Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something. I’m always trying to get back to some kind of imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing.”
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

The war started slowly, and then all at once the battle raged on.
Serotonin against synapsis,
a battle to the death,
a savage fight to declare victory.

Ignore the trembling body that lay before you

Try to forget the sight of her sliver fingers curling around the reapers gift
remember how they caressed your hair last season when the sky was as pale as the skin between her thighs, an oasis that you knew all too well

Don't watch her growing ever smaller, the flesh you once drew your tongue over disintegrating

Finish your joint and turn the other way

Did you get my letters?
I wrote to you every night
yet maybe I never sent them
I have been tired and uninspired by this atmosphere without you
All I want is home
and the only place I can have found that is nestled in your sternum
So please come back
I'm homesick