It's not that this space
Aches in your lack
It's that it feels fuller
When you come back

I'll never quite get the games we play
Power dynamics and bedroom eyes
Spinning rooms with smoke and mirrors
When what we really need
Is our exposed hearts on wrinkled sleeves

Your words, to you
May not have little importance
But to her
They are what she thinks about the rest of the day

Your phrases echo in her mind
The syllables and dialect dance in her brain

You may even find yourself of little importance
You had decided a long time ago
That you were never worth it
Because everything else was so messed up in your life
And it was your fault,now, wasn't it?
But I know it was never your doing
And she does too
Maybe this mysterious woman and I
Are one in the same
A little too understanding
A little too inviting
A little too forgiving
A little too naive
A little too in love
For our own good
After all, the girls who love lost boys
End up lost themselves

I could never say goodbye to you
I could just never pull away
It's something in the way you move
That makes me want to stay

Even in the silence that falls around
Simply you holding my hand
Simply the feeling of your heart
Others could never understand

Even in those last moments
When I had to leave for good
I stayed for hours in that moment
Even though I doubted I should

It's in the way you make me feel
And in the way for you I fell
In the front seat of your car
And without you, life is hell

"I don't like it when you're not around"
The tears welled up and his eyes fell to the ground
It's only temporary, but it stings still
Two years yet, the time alone gives me chills
But as time does, it quickly passes
And as I learn and grow in classes
You will live out your uniquely you dreams
We fall into place, as it so seems
In the end, I hope it's your arms I fit into, and you, mine*
And our love, like I always felt, would be suspended in time

The days where you just feel okay in yourself are my favorite
Where others don't abraise you like an itchy wool sweater
Where trouble doesn't sit in your stomach like bad pasta
Where you can float along, just being you
Feeling confident that your face is fashioned in just the right way
That your tights are pulled up
That your shirt is pulled down
Those days where you just embrace the fact that others talk
But it doesn't have to define you
I know I have trouble with this
I think we all do
Others talking is a great part of the things that make me unhappy
I think "Well, if only that person wouldn't be talking about me, I would be happier"
But when the truth is, I can choose whether or not to listen
I can choose whether or not to sit with them
Or whether or not I believe something someone else is saying about my life
Because we all know that other people are the experts on all our problems
Fastening their opinions of us based off the exterior of our faces
Well, if there is someone who knows more about me than I know myself
Come, please have me meet them, because I would sure like the answer key to life's book of problems
Because perhaps they play God, too.

My best friend in third grade
Knew I liked this one boy
So we imagined ourselves in twelfth grade
At graduation night, throwing our caps in the air

She dared me to kiss him on the lips at that moment
In the very distant future
To declare my "like" for him after all that time
When we were about to say goodbye forever
Because to a third grader, graduation doesn't seem so final

But thinking about it now
The boy I liked in third grade
Is not the boy I love in twelfth
He wasn't even the boy I liked in fourth

Even several years ago
I imagined that if we never were together
I would find you on that night
Diploma in hand, blushing uncontrollably under my tassel
And kiss you
Tell you that I have loved you for as long as I can remember
And that I will love you until I forget myself entirely
But times changed again like they did in third grade
I am different than I was, but yet love the same

Graduation seemed to always be that time
Now or never, now or never, now or never
That if I were going to do something
Confess something to
Someone I never had the courage to love
It would be on that date
Because the next day
*We would both leave

The tree house, the swings, the memories
You built it, and you need to tear it down
To make way for a new pool deck
But by you tearing it down
You're just reassuring me of the fact
That my childhood has almost past
I remember so many times being up there
Sleeping up there
Doing homework
Swinging
Rolling around in sleeping bags
Laughing and enjoying life
I would rather it not go
I love its presence, always reminding me
That however old I get, there is always magic
There is some place to go and hide
Even if there are bees, I could still go up there and escape
I could sit, all bundled up in my Eskimo snow suit in winter
And witness the stillness of the new fallen snow
I whittled names into its support wood
So it would always remember
I guess I'm being selfish not wanting to share my own piece of childhood
But we all have that thing that we don't want to give up
Even if we outgrow it in a sense
But I will be happy in the sense that another child may climb up on the steps
Look out from the top and imagine they are the top of the world
For all the time that they can

By the way we've proceeded, I've gathered
Up hints like raspberries in a basket
The fruit is sweet, but the thorns are sharp and the dye stains red
My fingers are crimson and I'm not mistaken
You don't want anything to do with me

Heartbreak and tea go so sweetly
Sitting on the porch in the rain
Reminiscing while the leaves are still steeping
Wallowing in your own pain

Listening to the rain pour, the thunder crack
As you sip on the scalding drink
It's times like these in the hour of black
That make a person think

You sit for a while, lonesome, or you so you believe
Just sensing all that's around you
But you are more accompanied than you can conceive
As your seeker comes to your rescue

Sitting there together with no one else
At last, you are found
So you share the tea silently together
And fade into the background

The hands spin round
Lost time unfound
But I'm not looking
For that hint of yesterday

I'm not beating a dead horse
I feel no remorse
A friendly calm memory
Replaces the clashing of pots and pans
That was you and me

Two years and I am at peace
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't speak
Because I miss the friendship we had
But I've known for awhile how to live without it

So it is okay if I'm dismissed
If I ever extend my hand into the abyss
To try to reach you from afar
After so much time
It's nothing more than a wish
That you have a beautiful life

I spent my night with him tonight
Wrapped up in covers
Wrapped up in dreams
He consoled me of all of my troubles
And reminded me that life is not all as it seems

There was some magic tonight
He made me believe in love again
Like when we first were together
Staying out past 2 a.m.
Hiccuping from laughing so hard

The connection we had returned again
And He inspired me
Instead of you, to keep writing

The way he looked at me,
The way he held My hand,
The way he smiled that smile.

You are not my muse anymore
That's why I wanted to give up writing
Because everywhere I turned, you were waiting for me
In every blank Title (optional)
In any poem I read, I found you.

But the freeing thing I realized tonight
By lying in his arms
Is that poetry is what I make of it
I can read a poem about love
And it doesn't have to make me think of you
Because I have so many other wonderful people in my life
I can write about other things than heartbreak and memories
I can write of hope and happiness

So yes, you were the reason I started writing poetry
But that doesn't mean that you should be the reason I stop.

I hope you tell her that you love her
And mean it all the same
I hope you make her feel special
And don't confuse her with silly games

Allow her to be herself in your love
And accept her for who she is
Whether she shares your interests
Or just likes to do her own things

Appreciate her for all the times that she cares
When she is there for you
I hope your love is wonderful
I pray that it is true

You are so special and she will know
If she is that certain one
That you are worth her waiting for
That you are worth her love

I hope you believe in her and cherish her
That you will set her heart aflame
But in all of this, most of all
*I hope, to you, she does the same

Your distance will fade you away completely*
Hologram Man, your time has come
Hologram Man, you won't leave neatly
But at least I know you aren't the one

I'm glad I didn't waste more time
Waiting for you to reappear
Hologram Man, you were never mine
Hologram Man, you'll disappear

Once I was naive and young
Ready to wait for you to change
Hologram Man, we both know that
You won't unless you accept the blame

Hologram Man, you are a user
Hologram Man, you are so vain
You want her, but you will lose her
Then you'll cry of selfish pain

I'm glad I didn't waste more time
Waiting for you to reappear
Hologram Man, you were never mine
Hologram Man, you'll disappear

Why is it so hard to say the truth?

We say thousand of words a day
But the ones that mean the most tend to be left unsaid
For the fear of hurting others' feelings
I know I am guilty, I am that one

I would hold it in, for years
Before saying what I truly felt
Or meant to say, as to not
Hurt the ones I care about

I want to say it to you
Somehow let what I feel
Just slip out, be acknowledged
Because I don't know how much longer it can be unsaid

The truth is not overrated
Especially when it burdens you
And weighs you down
All because you care too much

But why? Why do I care so much
Probably because I do not wish to disappoint
I simply want to evoke smiles, not frowns
But is a frown worth the truth?

For the truth will set you free

It's you that I cannot deal with
You, with your simplistic complicated ways
You, who I could never get a hold of
Who just floated away
You are irritating, you know that?
For someone who is here
You are quite unreachable
Always somewhere else
Thinking of someone else
Never me
Always something else
Looking towards the future
I would go up to you
Go up to you and tell you that when I said "Happy Birthday"
It made my heart melt
I would ask you to save me from the hell of loving you
With no hope of getting out or knowing how you feel
But I don't think you can save yourself
From your own hell
Do you know that I love you?
That when he said to you that I am your ex-girlfriend in front of me
I could barely breathe or speak
And you just replied
"Yes, I know, she is still a really nice girl though"
I almost cried
Yeah, I'm just some nice girl who cares about you more than you know
I can't stop searching and looking for you
Looking for you to look for me
I have never known how to love
someone until now
Loving someone means going through this
Being quiet and caring for them in what ever way they need
Standing as far away from them as possible
Even though it's not what you want
It is the still of the silence that you sit in and wonder about them
About the curvatures of their face or what they said the other day
It is not knowing what will happen, but still holding on to something
Loving someone is grueling, it's terrible, excruciating.
Having feelings for someone, wondering if they are reciprocated
But loving someone also means understanding if they don't feel the same

We always want what lies behind
Door number two

I see them pass by
All the exits on the highway that could lead to you
I'm mentally driving myself to your house
At four in the morning
So I can crawl in your bed
And sleep until the sun peaks over the hills

So I can feel your warmth under the covers
And feel you breathing beside me
That way I can tell you when we wake
How proposing to take a break
Broke me

My love for you lives at I-95
Right past the exit for Towson
Where we stopped at Lito's for pizza
After we kissed for the first time
I passed I-95 today and didn't remember
Those soft kisses in back seats
Until I saw that pizza shop sign
I could see myself, 13 and blossoming
Holding tightly to your hand
It was like I was standing outside of your dad's car
Looking in at the events that just unfolded
That thirteen year old that won the bet with her friend for having her first kiss
It wasn't why that thirteen year old wanted it though
She just mustered up the courage to move her face close enough
So that the tiniest amount of contact could be made
It was intended to be soft and meaningful, the first of many
But it turned out off-centered and askew
But it was lovely
You, thirteen and dream like, were shocked
Yet intrigued, so you kissed me next time
Then it went back and forth
Alternating kisses, testing the feelings of new connections
Tingling fingers, tapping toes

It is not significant by any means
But yesterday I hurt my toe
It bled and is still sore
I almost said on the phone

And I almost disclosed
How my fitbit is precisely
Two days, three hours, and twenty seven minutes off
In time to wake me up at 4:33 am
Wednesday through Sunday
And to turn it off
I must walk
Half asleep, tripping over crumpled clothes
In the dark
And most days I must do it twice
Because it doesn't believe my feigned woken state

I almost said how I think of you
And miss being able to spend all day
Inseparable and evergreen
Sometimes I ache to think of how far
I put myself away from you
Constantly
But when I mention the aching
I am met with an "It's okay"
But it feels the opposite way

And just yesterday, as I gave it more thought
To something I forgot,
Something I had been scared to ever feel
Palpable and real
With a wide open heart, I concurred
That I could be happy anywhere in the world
If you and I were together
I forgot how I used to be
How the sheer thought of needing someone else
Has terrified me

I don't feel as alone
I almost said on the phone
I don't feel as without
I am enjoying the time by myself

These things are by no means
Things you absolutely had to know
But things I had hoped to share
I know you are busy
I know you care
But I wanted you to know
I had more to say on the phone

They say ninety percent of an iceberg's mass is below the surface
If that is so, then think about all the things you do not know.
You could not know about all its underwater purposes
Or of its unknown arctic woes

If this is also true about people, imagine what I don't know about you
You, with all of your fake faces
A stranger that I don't know like I used to
That I searched for in multiple places

But it is not a one-way street
This secretive disguise
It is half way where we must meet,
For you to see what's behind my eyes

Yes, you probably couldn't even recognize me now
If you were ever so inclined
To try to break down the barrier, for you, I have made around
To try to get inside my mind

Then you would really see,
Who I was, and who I am
Because, from you now, I am free
But, to see inside again, you never can

Even if all the signs point to no
Everyone tells me to let it go
Even if it's written in the skies
Or it's ridden with goodbyes
If it's separated by space
If it's in an unfamiliar place
Even if our love was never true
I still can't forget you

Songs transport me back in time
No matter where I am I can listen
And feel as if I am in another place

This time it was a different song
I Just Can't Get Enough
The music video is set in Japan
And the song lyrics reminded me of you

I remember listening while I was in Colorado
And you were across the ocean
Visiting your sister in Japan
Two years ago

I imagined myself there with you
And hoped that we would visit together
Sometime after we were married
Perhaps ten years down the road
Like we had planned in childhood fascination

I had imagined us touring gardens
And the bright city of Tokyo
Riding bullet trains and visiting ASIMO
Eating ridiculously overpriced McDonald's
While old Japanese women ask us if we're famous
And practice their English with us

While I hold your hand and gently sing
"I wouldn't want to have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough"

"How do you know?"* You asked me
I only looked at you and smiled
*"Because I could see it in your eyes"

What an intoxicating fallacy
Is perceived immortality.
The belief of ones vitality
Will be one's true, final fatality.

And no I'm not tired, I'm just sad
If you ask so, I don't need sleep
It's too convoluted to bring up
So I plunge it back to the deep

Whispers between telephone lines
Small talk about work and weather
The tone in my voice echoes empty
Tonight shows it to be no better

So why open my mouth brokenhearted
And empty my indecisiveness to you?
I had better just keep quiet for now
Until conclusions come out of the blue

So no, I am not tired, I'm just sad
Sad because we are broken in two
Like two heart halves aching to be fused
But I suppress it and say goodnight to you

I like to feel the heat
On my bare feet
It's hard to feel so sure
Even at my best,
I must confess,
I get wildly insecure

I cannot comprehend why you ask me
What I'm doing a week in advance
I don't even know what I am eating for dinner tonight

You my golden girl
The one I idolize
With golden hair abundant
And capturing indigo eyes

I run to you at any time of day
Even at three in the morning
You will sit up in bed and talk to me
While Dad sleeps next to you, snoring

You are the one that keeps Dan, Evan, and I
Like chicks in little lines
You nurture us and comfort us
And make sure we don't fall behind

You put your heart in everything
Whether it be us, driving bus, or fiber
You are just so pleasant to be around
And you don't complain at all either

I love you like I can't explain
It's just some bond we have
Like friends almost because we're close
Around you, I can relax

You are the most genuine person I have ever met
And, knowing you, you will always deny
How you became to be that mom, who, all along
Carried light in those indigo eyes

Insecurities surround me
This is not how I used to be
I don't know what changed
Something broke, something snapped

For a while now I feel it
The fear of hurting others
It commands me to obey
Something demanding, something controlling

And I never knew why
I am consumed by guilt
For voicing my opinion
Something honest, something genuine

I guess it's just because
I never wanted someone else
To feel a modicum of how I felt when hurt
Something disposable, something discarded

So I avoid it at all costs
I take the long way home, but get lost
And I end up hurting others anyway
Something accidental, something unintentional

I have good intentions
But they are masked by the fear
Of hurting others in the end and it is
Something unavoidable, something inescapable

If you wish to read my mind
*Read my poetry

I know this one
Whom I admire
For the way love has
Set his heart afire

He burns himself
In his midnight oil
Love's cruel game
Leaves him to toil

Tossing and turning
In the midnight seas
If only she could
See what he sees

If only he were to
Again feel her touch
If only she knew
If she cared that much

But here he sits
Not drifting to sleep
Knowing in his heart
The secrets he keeps

His love is so tangible
It is so real
That even an outsider
Can feel what he feels

The pain on the inside
The pain on the out
Is because it is her
He can't live without

In twenty years
It will matter
To me that
I did not receive
A card
On our anniversary
And it will matter
That you
Did not listen
To me
As I was asking
For your love
And affection
Over and over
Again

And now it is
“My fault”
That I left
You alone
To feel the space
I took up and now
I’m disturbed
For disrupting
Your world

I gave you myself
Wrapped up
In a little bow
All of the beautiful
Things I could think of
Generosity and
Kindness and
Tenderness in the
Face of stress and
Sleep deprivation
And my financial support
Endlessly
Despite my own
Tribulations
Yours were always
More pressing
More stressful
More important
I was constant
For you
I wanted to be
Perfect
For you
But I didn’t realize
The toll it was taking
On me

When I tell you
I love you
You could never believe me
Not now, especially
But I have to finally
Love myself
More than I love you
Do you understand that?
I cannot pour myself
Out to you
If I have nothing to give
The nurturing love
The love I needed myself
I gave it all away to you
Because I felt that
You needed it more
Than I did
Maybe you did
But I need it now

I need myself
Where is she?
I’m finding her
I need her
I need her sweet love
That I’ve never had
That you loved so much
You loved the love
I gave you
But did you love me?
My cracks and flaws
And imperfections
The darker parts of me
The parts I tried to hide
I am gathering myself up
To find a way
To care for the parts of myself
That I’ve deemed unlovable
That no one would want
I want to want myself

I drove by your house this afternoon
On an errand of a sort other than nostalgia
Looking down the way, I saw your place
I remembered the last time I drove by you

After work I visited you at night
I drove in the dark, I arrived and I parked
And bounded your dimly lit staircase
In a familiar place, I saw your lovely face
And we would melt together in an embrace

You would lead me to your room
I'd close the door, remove my shoes
And we would laugh as I told the night's stories
Then you would kneel over me
And us two became we
But the details are too painful to think of

I remembered loving you today
It was so beautifully excrutiating , I couldn't stay
I turned down another street, feeling so incomplete
Because I can't think of you another way

I wanted it to be me there sitting beside you
I wanted that so very badly and part of me still does
I miss our friendship and how we spent our time together
I just could not tell you that I miss us and think
Like about when you told me you wanted to take me to Disney World after graduation
Because I have never been there
Or the talk of waking up next to each other and having breakfast in our kitchen
We made so many beautiful plans for a beautiful life
But life works around our plans
It careens and twists around all that we want
And decides what is best without concern of breaking our hearts
I am only a product of my environment
I am lost because I haven't found the map

I am
So proud of
Who I’ve become
Who I’ve always been
I am someone
Who is
Flexible
Not malleable
Bendable
Without breaking
Resilient
And ever changing

Reflecting on
The path I’ve
Blazed
The ground I
Lit on fire
To forge a way out
For myself
I had to
Nurse
My own wounds
At the end of the day
No one is
Really there
To fix it all
For you

It’s as if
I had to spill myself
All over the floor
In order to sort
Out what was me
And what was foreign

There was so much time
Where I only saw grey
In my eyes

But
It’s been a year
And the cherry blossoms
Are beginning to bloom
The spring sun is warming
My face
It’s as if my monochrome
Has had rainbows
Put in its place

I’m in love
With the life
I have designed
I have hope
For a future
That’s unmistakably
Mine

If you wish to talk to me no longer, I understand
I wasn't prepared when you grabbed my hand
And when you looked at me like that I must confess
I felt and aching and breaking inside my chest

Because I knew and said that I wasn't ready
My head is a mess and my balance unsteady
You were nothing but wonderful near and far
Talking with me till morning in your car

What I felt was honest, what I knew was true
I don't deserve the things you do
Because I know it now than ever more
I'm not ready for you knocking at my door

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please please believe
Even though it's cliché, it's not you, it's me

You don't dare disturb me
When I drift off in your arms
You run your hand across my head
Smoothing out my frizzed hair
Such a sweet gesture
For a girl who is half-asleep
Partially in the hologram of slumber
Partially in the dream of reality

But in due time, time has past
The hourglass always runs out of sand
You rouse me from my daze
To drive me home in the midnight hour
I'm Cinderella missing a glass slipper
My horses have already turned back to mice
I have to leave again in a day's time

But as we drive back in the dark
You tell me that you love me
You adore my taste in music
The way I think and speak
My quirks and abnormalities, to you,
Are just like freckles on a cheek

You divulge me deeper in your fondness
You tell me I'm different from the rest
You confess your long high school crush on me
Your love of my head upon your chest

All along you cared for me
Before I cared for you
And as life seemed to fall apart
It reformed into something new
It was us all along
I know it now like you knew it then

Is it so bad for me to say*
That I want you in every way?

The way I look at you two
Is like a sweet syrupy luster
That coats and envelops you both
Like a dream of only the most divine

My heart bursts with how I feel
For both of you
And I can't quite articulate how I feel
Out loud without breaking into tears

I know already of the missing I will do:
I will miss you both
I will miss living here
I will miss you asking me if I'm going to bed soon
When I am staying up late doing homework
I will miss car rides talking
I will miss laughing with you
I will miss being close to you
I will miss crude humor
I will miss piano lessons
I will miss home cooked dinners
I will miss sitting on your bed at three in the morning asking advice
I will miss your laugh that resonates throughout a room
I will miss his smile
I will miss his stubborn ways of tying railroad spikes to everything
To keep them in place
I will miss the "Do you need a rides?"
The "Is there anything I can do to help?"'s
I will miss the way you make me feel better
Even after the worst day of my life
I will miss the bond we share

And even though you will only be a phone call away
I will miss *us

I wished you could have
Followed me home
Opened the door
Felt my hands roam

I wish you could have
Watched me undress
Felt my eyes linger
Knew my intent

I wish you could have
Been there tonight
Fed my addiction
Grabbed and pulled me in tight

I wish I could tell you of every
Passing thought I forgot
To write down
The ones that escape like Bobby pins
On a slick bathroom sink
Oh I wish you could know the same
Every phrase
All those days
That compiled together
Formed the rubber band ball at my center
Able to be stretched three hundred and forty seven miles
And still not snap
I wish you knew
All I thought of you